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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend she has upset me?

158 replies

Lucinna · 06/03/2015 22:52

I am probably being silly but I feel like I really need to tackle this with my friend otherwise I will keep thinking about it and will probably end up distancing myself from her as I'm quite upset.

I have known her for about 5 years, and thought that we were very close, good friends. We talk loads and spend a lot of time together; we confide in each other a lot. I have been there for her during various things that she's gone through in the past couple of years, and have done lots of nice things to cheer her up, as well as helped her out a lot with things like picking up her child from school when he's been ill and she's been at work, and having her DC overnight when she's been away overnight with her husband.

Anyway, tonight she has shared on Facebook one of those poem type things about best friends and has labelled it "For all my besties" and has tagged six friends of hers but not me.

I know it's only Facebook but I do feel it actually says quite a lot about how much she values me that she has done this. I have considered her my best friend for several years and I thought that I would at least factor in her group of best/close friends but it seems that I don't :-(

I think I'm going to have to say something to her, because it has really upset me. I'm not usually one for speaking up about things and am quite easy going but I guess as she's a friend I need to at least talk to her about it before I decide whether to carry on being friends with her or not?

OP posts:

findingthishard · 07/03/2015 13:28

I have a friend who considers me her best friend (as I discovered when she used the phrase a couple of times). We are close, confide in each other, etc.

But my 'besties' are people I have known much, much longer, who lived through all kinds of shit with me.

Runningupthathill82 · 07/03/2015 13:30

But OddSocks, that kind of misses the point. The OPs mate hasn't "said" anything at all - she just hasn't tagged her in a post.

Which could be because she forgot/ pressed backspace so it deleted/thought she'd tagged her already/chose not to tag her/any of the bloody above.

Not tagging someone in a post is such a non-issue that I wouldn't even notice if one of my friends did it, let alone think it was some sort of comment on the strength of our friendship.

OP, you sound insecure and a tad neurotic. Please don't read too much into this. Your friendship is about what your friend actually does when you're together and how she behaves towards you, not what she may or may not have done with a mawkish poem on the internet.

finnbarrcar · 07/03/2015 13:36

Not RTFT, just the OP's posts and this is why I don't do Facebook. It seems to turn grown women into silly teenage girls and can cause a lot of hurt and unpleasantness.

I completely understand why you're hurt OP, your friend was thoughtless (in the true sense that she just didn't think about you).

You really just have to make a decision...do you want to risk the friendship ending, because if you confront her, be prepared for not liking the outcome, this is the risk we take when airing our grievances.

All friendships are trade-offs, friends will sometimes behave in a way we find hurtful or odd, you just have to weigh up how much good they bring into your life, and if the balance is out of kilter, that's when you know you have to get rid and move on.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and I do appreciate why you feel left out and hurt, it's a crappy way to behave.

YouTheCat · 07/03/2015 13:39

Are you all 12?

Seriously, I get that you find this hurtful but back off and stop doing her favours. There is no need to talk to her about it. It won't achieve anything good at all.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 07/03/2015 13:43

Was this thread really started by a grown woman??

Aeroflotgirl · 07/03/2015 13:44

Either distance yourself, which is what I would do, or sit down and talk to her.

googoodolly · 07/03/2015 13:47

I don't get this "it's just Facebook" argument.

If the friend had given six people little personalised "thank you" letters at the school gate because they were such good friends, but didn't give one to the OP, would you still say she shouldn't be upset?

It's the same thing, just not in person.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/03/2015 13:49

Its not childish, its kind of a confirmation of how she views you and the friendship, you obviously feel close to her and thought she felt the same, mabey she was using your kindness. You talk about the things you done for her, what has she done for you op! I would be distancing myself tbh.

KikitheKitKat · 07/03/2015 13:54

Couldn't you say a jokey "So am I not one of your besties then?" Type comment face to face, or even the same on fb with the obligatory

DoJo · 07/03/2015 13:55

It's the same thing, just not in person.

I disagree - clicking 'share' on a silly poem and typing the first three letters of the names of a few friends requires nothing like the effort that goes into writing a letter to someone and handing it to them in person. In the same way that I wouldn't ring up all my friends to tell them the funny thing that happened to me this afternoon, but I might post it on Facebook because it is just a three second job.

Tagging someone in a silly status is a throwaway action, being a good friend day in and day out is not - if one outweighs the other, then it should be the latter outweighing the former, not the former undermining a solid friendship.

Mrsbird311 · 07/03/2015 13:55

My friend did one of these and missed off my name, then later messaged me apologising and begging my forgiveness, I really hadn't given it a single thought and couldn't give a monkeys, but it shows that things that mean a lot to some don't always mean much to others, I'm sure she just forgot you off the list.... Be glad I bloody hate those cringy poems

Aeroflotgirl · 07/03/2015 13:59

Its things like this that make you reevaluate a friendship. Next time she asks you for favours, I would actually tell her, well why don't you ask your best friends.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/03/2015 13:59

Good idea kikithekitkat

DrownedReindeer · 07/03/2015 14:22

Be passive-aggressive and 'like' the post.

globetrotter141 · 07/03/2015 15:00

I feel for you, it's rubbish when the friendship appears to be more important to you than the other person (especially when you thought your feelings were mutual! ) But you might just have to accept that she doesn't see you as her 'best' friend and get over it. Either accept the imbalance or invest in other friendships that are important to you. But if you get on well and she isn't using you I wouldn't lose a friendship over a silly FB post.

iLoveMushrooms · 07/03/2015 15:02

that would hurt me too

Canshopwillshop · 07/03/2015 15:09

I think your relationship history should tell you a lot more about how she feels about your friendship than a daft FB post unless you feel that the friendship has been a bit one-sided? Has she been there for you in the same way you have for her over the years? If so, I would let this go.

AlfAlf · 07/03/2015 15:32

I felt a bit hurt by something slightly similar. My close friend put up a fb post about how lucky she was to know so many women who were not only intelligent but beautiful on the inside and outside too, then named names but not mine. It smarted a bit that I was obviously overlooked (and not beautiful or clever ) but I didn't confront her, which I think would have blown it out of proportion or been really awkward.
I know that she values our friendship by all the other things she does.

I never post stuff like that on fb because I'd be bound to miss out some lovely friend or other!

finnbarrcar · 07/03/2015 15:41

I'm heavily biased because I HATE FB and all the problems it seems to cause, all the digs and attention seeking behaviour, it just brings out the worst in people.

WitchesTits · 07/03/2015 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bambambini · 07/03/2015 16:36

I can understand you're hurt if it is a case of you think much more of her than she does of you - that would hurt. But, you've no idea if this is the case at all, you can't judge this on one FB post like the one you described but on your general interactions with each other. You really could be reading way to much into this one post.

Bluetone · 07/03/2015 16:46

Is there any need for that WitchesTits?

If the op feels hurt by it then who is anyone else to say she shouldn't.

And all this crap about fb not being real life is balls. The Friends I have on their are all real.

ShortLashes · 07/03/2015 17:44

OP, rather than distancing yourself from her, I would ignore the Facebook post, get in touch and make a plan to do something nice together. If she's a friend and you enjoy spending time together, use this as an opportunity to try and keep the friendship alive.

miniavenger · 07/03/2015 17:53

It is hurtful to think that someone doesn't think as much of you as you think of them or doesn't consider you that close.

Where you go from here OP is up to you.

TheChickenSituation · 07/03/2015 18:58

I hope the OP has hidden this thread.

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