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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend she has upset me?

158 replies

Lucinna · 06/03/2015 22:52

I am probably being silly but I feel like I really need to tackle this with my friend otherwise I will keep thinking about it and will probably end up distancing myself from her as I'm quite upset.

I have known her for about 5 years, and thought that we were very close, good friends. We talk loads and spend a lot of time together; we confide in each other a lot. I have been there for her during various things that she's gone through in the past couple of years, and have done lots of nice things to cheer her up, as well as helped her out a lot with things like picking up her child from school when he's been ill and she's been at work, and having her DC overnight when she's been away overnight with her husband.

Anyway, tonight she has shared on Facebook one of those poem type things about best friends and has labelled it "For all my besties" and has tagged six friends of hers but not me.

I know it's only Facebook but I do feel it actually says quite a lot about how much she values me that she has done this. I have considered her my best friend for several years and I thought that I would at least factor in her group of best/close friends but it seems that I don't :-(

I think I'm going to have to say something to her, because it has really upset me. I'm not usually one for speaking up about things and am quite easy going but I guess as she's a friend I need to at least talk to her about it before I decide whether to carry on being friends with her or not?

OP posts:

NARsWife · 07/03/2015 07:46

Read all op posts and skimmed the rest so sorry if this has been mentioned...

Op do you have a short name with 3 letters or less? Because Facebook only suggests names to tag once you put 4 letters or more in. I've missed off people before until I realised this presuming they had settings that didn't allow tagging. Now I put their second name to tag instead

InTheWhiteRoom · 07/03/2015 07:47

How horrible.

bananapickle84 · 07/03/2015 08:00

I had something similar happen to me and I'm still friends with the person. Facebook is REALLY annoying for this kind of thing and I had to have a word with myself about it!
I am still very good friends with the person but I did mentally distance myself a little at the time and it gave me a bit of space to clear my head from it all.
I think you value this friendship and there is nothing wrong with that but you may need to take a mental deep breath IYSWIM and then carry on as if this hadn't happened.
But YANBU to be upset, Y would BU to ruin the whole friendship over it.

Redglitter · 07/03/2015 08:02

I hate these type of fb posts. I don't post them and my friends don't tag me in them. Maybe she didn't think your friendship needed validated via a tagged picture on fb.

wobblebobblehat · 07/03/2015 08:02

The dreaded Facebook....

What's all this crap about 'besties' too? Makes me think of teenage girls.

Do you really need all this? Walk away.

magoria · 07/03/2015 08:07

Does she reciprocate on all the childcare and helping out?

Sounds like you think more of her as a friend than she does you and she may be happy to use this.

If it is one sided back off and stop doing so much for her. Bring the friendship to a mutually equal level. Expect less from it.

Go out and enjoy your other friends as you have said.

Undecided90 · 07/03/2015 08:08

You sound lovely . Please dont say anything as I think you will regret it. You have said you do more for this woman than she does you. It sounds to me that you have invested a lot more in this friendship than she has and therefore have different views of it. If you say anything, I fear you will come across as childish.

I would take a step back. Give a little less of yourself and see what happens.

I would also lower your expectation of people. Its a tough lesson I have learnt recently after being let down by a friend.

popalot · 07/03/2015 08:09

Can't stand those stupid fb posters about 'friends', how much people just love their mothers and 'reply to this or you don't care about me things'. Totally fake and childish. It just shows how immature someone is with their relationships. Take it as a compliment that you weren't tagged and keep your distance from now on. Don't bother with the chat thing, you'll just end up being passively agressed in a status like 'why are people so mean...?' sort of thing.

Littleturkish · 07/03/2015 08:12

I can't believe you're bothered about not being tagged in a poem. Really??

She's not 'not bothered with you' she hasn't hurt you or ignored you, it's just tagging in a poem. It's facebook. It isn't even real!!

Maybe she thought you would think it was tacky??

If you like her, spend time with her, if you don't, don't! Xx

Cabbagesandcustard · 07/03/2015 08:16

My "best" friends are both people who I've known for 30 years since I was a teenager. One lives abroad so I see her once a year at most and we don't even speak often due to the time difference. The other lives an hour away and I see her once every month or two. But I still have a real loyalty to them and love them like family.
The friends who I see very week feel more circumstantial somehow - I see them because of lives and children in common. I'm very fond of them and we share a lot of confidences but if they moved to the other side of the world I'm not sure we'd stay in regular contact. I don't feel that I'm being disloyal to them by referring to my old friends as my best friends.

Darthsloth · 07/03/2015 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheresACatInMeKitchen · 07/03/2015 08:28

Is this the only issue you have with her or are there other instances where she hasn't been a good friend to you?

If its the former then its a very minor issue to get so worked up about alone. As others have stated there could be a few explanations why she didn't include you on the list

But if its the latter and there are other instances that you feel have made you feel like this is more of a one sided friendship then that would explain the need for you to start re-evaluating the dynamics.

But for the poem alone i wouldn't throw away a 5 year friendship.

livsmommy · 07/03/2015 08:37

I would be upset to OP I find that kind of thing really hurtful. Maybe it was an accident she thought she had tagged you, or maybe you have different ideas of how close you are. Does she reciprocate all the favours and nice things you do for her? Does sound like she treats you as a bit of a mug.

TwoOddSocks · 07/03/2015 09:23

Some of these posts are just plain rude and unkind. OP YANBU to be upset.

The fact that someone says something on Facebook doesn't magically stop it from being hurtful. The difference though is it's not clear exactly what she meant by the post. Are all of those people in a group of friends that you aren't part of? She probably wasn't giving the post that much thought and hasn't considered that it might have hurt your feelings.

I would just approach it in a non confrontational way. Don't accuse her of doing something wrong but mention you consider her one of your best friends and her post made you worry she didn't feel the same way. I think a good friend would want to reassure you.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/03/2015 09:26

I have a friend who would consider us to be "best" friends.

I don't feel the same, I consider her a good friend. Mind I think adults are a bit old for "best friends". I have various friends whose friendships I value for different reasons.

She probably would be hurt if she knew that I didn't value the friendship to the very same level, what am I meant to do about that though?

I don't expect all my friends to hold me in the same esteem I hold them. It is needy to do so.

musicalendorphins2 · 07/03/2015 09:28

Lucinna Fri 06-Mar-15 23:03:52 I know it's only Facebook and that it sounds silly but to me it just sums up that she doesn't value me as much as I value her and I find it hurtful considering how much she leans on me.* I understand exactly how you feel. Yanbu to feel hurt.

keepsmiling2015 · 07/03/2015 09:40

I get where you're coming from. But, losing a friendship over it sounds childish in my opinion. There could be a number of reasons why she left you put, all innocent I'd imagine. I wouldn't say anything. If she's a good friend, she's a good friend leave it at that. Actions speak louder than words!

WitchesTits · 07/03/2015 09:53

You sound like an absolute nightmare tbh. It's facebook ffs!

If you say anything to her, you will become the laughing stock of her friendship group.

OatcakeCravings · 07/03/2015 09:54

Are you 8? This is honestly ridiculous. Take a step back and you will realise that.

notnaice · 07/03/2015 10:02

I'd feel the same as you op.

The fact it's on facebook is irrelevant. You've just learned that you think more of her than she does of you. That's upsetting. How can you be over invested about a good friendship possibly ending?

Either distance yourself and see if she makes an effort or talk to her if you think it will eat away at you. Either way it will never be the same. Concentrate on your other friends.

InTheWhiteRoom · 07/03/2015 10:55

God some people on here are horrible

Just cos it's "only fb"

It's not only shitty its tantamount to bullying imo. Ops friend is the childish one, not op

HermioneWeasley · 07/03/2015 10:59

Well, she's a user. Lesson learned, distance and move on.

Purplepoodle · 07/03/2015 11:07

I'd be hurt. Just back off a bit

AuntieDee · 07/03/2015 11:09

Any update this morning?

Charley50 · 07/03/2015 11:22

Friendship isn't about 'doing things' for other people. It's about getting on and enjoying each other's company.

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