These friends ARE being unreasonable, right?

[MaloryArcher]

Two years ago we lent our cot to some friends (the H is a colleague of DP's). DD was 4 and we weren't planning anymore DC.

But DS came along 6 months ago and a few months later I asked DP to ask friend if we could come collect the cot. He said no . They were still using it as their DS's bed. I was raging and had to be talked out of saying something.

Now DS has outgrown his crib. He's mostly co-sleeping but I want to turn the spare room into his room and start sleep training him. We don't have another £100 to spend on a cot when we already own one. Their DS is 2 and a half.

DP was meant to ask friend about cot again yesterday but 'forgot'. I'm half tempted to text them both (can't ring as they work) and say we're coming to collect it on Saturday.

Who is BU?

This thread shows very clearly that nobody should ever lend anything to anyone else because a good 50% of the population (if this thread is representative and if it is god help us all) won't feel any obligation to give it back.

A: Will you look after my bag for me while I go to the loo?

[Two minutes later]

B: You want it back? Well, you didn't make that clear. I thought you'd given it to me. I've sold it on.

In my opinion YANBU at all. You bought it from new, it is yours, you lent it, they now need to return it.

Had a similar situation, we lent something baby related that cost me £160 to some friends. I am now a SAHM and we just about cover our bills each month and our children have never had a holiday. We asked for the item back so that we could sell it to recoup some of the money that I paid for it. £160 was a lot to me, when my only income at the time was statutory maternity allowance, and even more so since I have stopped working. They have never returned it and it's not something like a cot that is actually used daily. They also never bought us a wedding present when we got married. We had bought them something generous off their list when they married, despite our finances being v tight. They live in a million pound house. They have so much money, and I can't forget their behaviour. It's not behaviour I was brought up to display to your friends.

All of my children slept in cots until they were 3, my son was almost 4. If they are skint I can see why they'd be reluctant to return it tbh. But it belongs to you so you aren't being unreasonable either.

You seem confused again Mimsy, how is asking someone to mind your bag for a minute lending anything to anyone? It isn't, is it?

Really surprised so many people think you can demand something back that you'e lent to someone at any time and you are automatically in the right. Odd.
"Hey you know that cot I lent you for you child, the one he sleeps in every night? Yeah, I want it back. Toss the kid out on to the floor and bring it round, will you?"
I'd be fucking morto to ask for it, wouldn't have the balls. Guess some people don't really give a shit how they behave with people though?

My nearly-3yo DD is currently sleeping in a borrowed cot. If its owner asked for it back, my response would be, "Sure, could we have a week or so to figure out new sleeping arrangements?" I fully expect to give it back to her eventually, even though she has no plans for future kids, as I got it when she got it back from the previous person she lent it to's son moved out of at 3.5yo (which is where I formed my idea of how long kids sleep in cots! I didn't realise 18mo/2yo was the normal time...)

So, if everything has been clear, I agree that they should be giving it back.

However, it is really unclear what OP's DH said and whether he tried to impose any time limit at that point. I can imagine if he just said, "Hey, can we come by and get that cot we lent you," and colleague said, "Actually, DS is still using it," and that was that, a text to say you're taking their son's bed this weekend is pretty aggressive. Actually, without DH saying anything now, even if he'd said, "We would like it back in a few months time" such a text without warning still comes off looking pretty bad. Better would be a follow up to warn the time for OP needing the cot is fast approaching, and only then a note of specific time.

The OP was unpleasant in calling anyone who wasn't agreeing with her a thief and a grabby twat. No one on this thread has said the OP shouldn't EVER have the cot back (and theft is intention to permanently deprive, for all of those so quick to fling out the legal jargon), just that she hasn't been clear and that it's a bit mean to kick a child out of his bed because she wasn't clear and is now having a strop.

Sorry OP, but I think YABU.

It's their child's bed. I want to keep my (just) 2 year old in a cot for as long as possible and wouldn't have a clue what to do in their position. To return it I'd be turfing my child out before we're ready, alternatively buying a cot at 2+ would be a complete waste of money.

Obviously it's your cot and you have the right to it's return. But if you lend a cot I think you have to be prepared not to see it again for the next 3 years.

Im sorry that your kind gesture has led to a problem.

WTF Why is everyone obsessing about the inconvenience to the cot snatchers? What about the inconvenience to the Op? Should her baby have to "sleep on the floor"? These people are R U D E. (Unless if course Op's DH didn't actually ask for it back. Maybe he just said hey that cot, are you still using it, hey no worries then ...)

If you made it clear it was a loan yanbu and they should give it back asap. If it was lent with wishy washy terms, they should still give it back.

To those saying it's no favour to lend something if it's wanted back before they've finished with it, I don't see that as strictly true. They've at least had the large item, expensive, baby things costs spread out. They've had an extra two years to provide for themselves something that they were always going to need. Why should the offer of a loan mean they never have to provide that item, even at the expense of the lender, unless it was specifically stated they could keep it until finished with?

I'd put it down to miscommunication and firmly but politely insist on it back.

I feel more or less the same as countess there.
I'm no pushover people pleaser either...I just wouldn't be so attached to a bog standard cot as to ask for it back if I knew it was still being used. I'd write it off as bad timing and an ill conceived loan on my part, and let their kid keep his bed...crazy though that apparently is.

This thread is a timely reminder as to why I never borrow anything, and only give stuff away for keeps. Too much scope for hassle.

Send them a nice copy of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, open at the page that says
"Who's been sleeping in my bed?"

They know it isn't their cot. They know they need to give YOUR cot back to you and buy their son his own bed.

Yeah, they haven't got it anymore and don't want to tell you. They thought it was a gift rather than a loan & either sold it or gave it away.

That or it's fit for nothing more than firewood.

I think YABU a bit.
Firstly you should have asked for it back when you were pregnant. Also you need conservation a rather than texts with these people, ie ask them their plan regarding their DC and whether it would fit in giving it back. You gave it away thinking you would have no more DCs so you've given the impression it was forever.

Mimsy... the handbag example is really silly! If you want to compare it to a bag it would go something like this: 'I've got an old handbag I don't need and won't ever use again, do you want to borrow it?' (Then after 2 years) 'you know that old handbag you borrowed years ago? Well I want it back now, I need it after all. It had better be in pristine condition too.'

When an item changes hands, there's often confusion over the word 'borrow' or 'lend'. Some people assume this means 'give' unless you're very clear. I often 'lend' unwanted furniture, books, bags, clothes etc to friends with no desire or expectation to have them back. If it's something I do want back I'm very clear eg 'I'll lend it to you until (insert month) but then I'll need it back because of (state reason).' I only lend to people I trust. If it's something precious I won't lend it.

Failing to return a borrowed item does not make someone a thief! esp if it wasn't made clear when it would be expected back or the person assumed it was to use indefinitely. Sometimes things get damaged, lost, broken... what sort of person would expect a friend to reimburse them for wear and tear/accidental damage?

Years ago, a friend of ours moved abroad and gave us lots of kids toys as they couldn't afford to ship them. The move was to be permanent but didn't work out, so 3 years later they moved back to UK and demanded all 'their' toys back! We gave them back immediately but I thought it horrible and rude of them, my DD and DS were attached to the toys and had been playing with them for years, had names for some etc. I'd also bought extra sets so when the friends took 'theirs' back we were left with bits and pieces that didn't work together. The friend also complained some were broken and asked me to pay for replacements! When she's originally given them to us she hadn't said anything about wanting them back if she ever returned... she just said she wouldn't need them again and seemed glad to get rid of them. Wouldnt most ppl in that situation assume the toys were a gift rather than a loan?

OP needs to stop being so petty, accept the cot is nolonger 'hers' to demand back while it's still being used, and buy a new one!

I'd assume the same as you boat

I had a similar situation when someone gave me a skirt that they didn't fit any longer. About 2 years later, I was wearing it one day as it was a fave of mine, and they saw me in it, and said "I'd forgotten how good that skirt looked, I'll have it back please." She'd also lost weight so could wear it again.

Cue her then telling me that it was always a loan, never given it to me, although I don't remember ever being told it was a loan. I gave it back in the end as didn't want a fuss, but wasn't happy about it.

The OP is not responsible for the friends' child being "kicked out of their bed." Fgs. If the parents are that concerned about their pfb remaining in the same little nest until he starts university, then they could always have shelled out for their own cot in the first place.

Yabu as its two years unless you said at the time its only a loan.

The op has hardly turfed anyone out - she's been pregnant & had a baby. If I'd borrowed a cot & the lender has got pregnant the first thing I would have asked in hearing the news would have been to find out when they wanted the cot back.

Clam, the OP is responsible for the friends' child being 'kicked out of his bed' since she's the one trying to do it!! When you lend a cot (without setting a time-frame at the start) people expect to use it for as long as they need it. It's not OP's decision when their child is ready to move to a bed. It's controlling and selfish to tell them what to do about their child's sleeping arrangements! If she'd said at the start 'you can borrow my cot but only for 2 years' the friends would probably have declined the offer and bought their own cot, or borrowed one they could use for longer.

OP yanbu you have been far from it. You need to talk to them directly Though

That's a ridiculous argument, theboat as of course the OP wasn't going to say for two years only, as she had no idea she might become pregnant.

When I had babies, we decided how we were going to bed/house them, according to our circumstances. OUR responsibility. If we had decided to borrow something, then we would have been taking the risk it wasn't forever. And if the person who lent it then needed it back due to her circumstances changing, then I'd have to make alternative arrangements for MY child.

Clam, no-one said OP's friends want to keep the cot forever. But it wasn't offered as a 2-year-loan it was 'use it as long as you need it' because OP thought her family was complete. The friends therefore missed the opportunity to borrow/purchase a cot they could use as long as needed. There's no point buying one now their child is 2!
How were they to predict OP would get pregnant again? OP changed her mind about another baby and consequently the terms of the loan.. so it's her responsibility to find another cot for her baby.

YANBU.
These guys are completely without moral compass not to immediately offer to give you back the cot when they knew you were pregnant, let alone being asked for it and refusing. Good Christ, what a crowd of tossers.

That said, depending on whether you want the battle or not, I'd be fuming but would probably chalk it down to experience and go for the free trade option.

I suspect the actual wording of the conversations between your DH and his work colleague was absolutely nothing like as clear and black-and-white as you have reported.

Loans were probably not mentioned; I doubt the colleague said a blunt 'no'; did they even know when you were pregnant? You may have 'announced' it, but I bet your DH didn't. It probably never occurred to them that you would want the cot back -- in which case from their point of view this amounts to a sudden turfing of their son out of his bed.

I doubt they'd want to get another cot at this stage, so they'd have to weigh up getting either a cotbed or a proper full-sized bed -- both of which are going to cost more than a cot.

Yes, they should give it back and I daresay they will when they've worked out where they're going to put their child. But YABU to be 'raging' and not even to consider things from their point of view.