Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

These friends ARE being unreasonable, right?

239 replies

MaloryArcher · 05/03/2015 08:32

Two years ago we lent our cot to some friends (the H is a colleague of DP's). DD was 4 and we weren't planning anymore DC.

But DS came along 6 months ago and a few months later I asked DP to ask friend if we could come collect the cot. He said no Shock . They were still using it as their DS's bed. I was raging and had to be talked out of saying something.

Now DS has outgrown his crib. He's mostly co-sleeping but I want to turn the spare room into his room and start sleep training him. We don't have another £100 to spend on a cot when we already own one. Their DS is 2 and a half.

DP was meant to ask friend about cot again yesterday but 'forgot'. I'm half tempted to text them both (can't ring as they work) and say we're coming to collect it on Saturday.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 05/03/2015 11:01

Think about this from their pov - their dc has been given a second hand cot to use, and they must be close to coming out of it now. You want them to now buy a new cot, assuming that's what they still need, for, what, a few months?? They might as well have got a brand new cot in the first place. I would be pissed off if something I was loaned was whipped away at the eleventh hour, rendering the whole loan pointless.

WaxOnWaxOff · 05/03/2015 11:03

YABU.

I get the impression you've been as vague with them about the 'loan' and specific (or rather, not) requests about having them return it to you, as you have on this thread.

I suspect your DP also thinks YABU and I doubt for one minute he 'forgot' to ask or mention anything.

countessmarkyabitch · 05/03/2015 11:04

Jurgen, how is it kind to lend something to someone and then demand it back while they are still using it?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 05/03/2015 11:04

Cannot believe people are saying that you are being U.

It's YOUR property.

SunnyBaudelaire · 05/03/2015 11:07

"It's YOUR property."
well then she should have hung onto it not given it away saying she was not having any more children, shouldn't she? Then changing her mind and demanding it back.

Viviennemary · 05/03/2015 11:08

They are being unreasonable. It's yours. Ask for it back or you will take them to the small claims court. Cheeky pair. It's your cot. They should buy their own. Honestly can't believe people are siding with this pair of thieves.

countessmarkyabitch · 05/03/2015 11:09

Small claims court? Bonkers!
Some people have a very black and white view of things on here. No appreciation of nuance.

SunnyBaudelaire · 05/03/2015 11:09

"Ask for it back or you will take them to the small claims court."
omg I cannot believe how mean and anal some people are.

HeisenbergsBlueMeth · 05/03/2015 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 05/03/2015 11:10

well i cant believe how cheeky some people are tbh

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 05/03/2015 11:11

"indian giver" Hmm

Perfectlypurple · 05/03/2015 11:13

Yanbu.

To me the op is clear. Dh asked the male friend for it back and the male friend said no. That is made quite clear by the op raging and having to be talked out of saying something. If she meant her dh said no to asking she wouldn't have said that bit.

Can't believe so many people think it is ok to not return something on loan.

Viviennemary · 05/03/2015 11:14

But the point is now the OP will end up buying two cots and the other pair won't even have paid out for one. That isn't fair at all. They can be annoyed if they want to be at the inconvenience but it isn't their property to hold on to.

SunnyBaudelaire · 05/03/2015 11:15

I bet she or her DH 'gave' it to them and she only later decided it was a 'loan' when she found she was preg again. But what do we know? The terms of this 'loan' are v vague, despite us asking OP.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel · 05/03/2015 11:16

I think the friends ABU as it was a loan and they should know that you might ask for it back one day and be prepared for it, especially once they knew you were pregnant. Also I would assume a loan of a cot would be until the people borrowing got round to getting their own, if they havent after this length of time they obviously never intended to give it back.

However, I would see this as an opportunity to find out that these people are not people to lend things to. Some people dont give things back (IME most people dont give stuff lent to them back)

I think you will have to put it down to experience and move on. I realise you want your cot back and I can see why, but without making working life difficult for your DH there is not a lot you can do. In future be careful who you lend things to, definately dont lend anything to these people again and remember to "never lend more than you can afford to give" Something I learned on here.

countessmarkyabitch · 05/03/2015 11:18

None of this is the point though, nobody has to buy two cots, no-one has to sue anyone (as usual aibu goes right to the insane end of the argument)
all OP has to do is actually say politely "hey, now that your kid has grown out of the cot we lent you, can we get it back as our baby needs it now? Thanks"

In the real world, its simple. Only in aibu world is anyone calling them cheeky theives. Hmm

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/03/2015 11:18

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_giver
www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=indian+giver
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Talk:Indian_giving

Every day is a school day on MN.

OP - if you weren't present when your DH asked for the return of the cot, I'd be inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt. Despite the fact that it was a loan, my husband would be mortified to ask for it back. Just because he's easily embarrassed by weird stuff being English and all ;)

AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves · 05/03/2015 11:20

I thought this was so clearcut I couldn't see how anybody could say YABU!

OP says yes, you can borrow our cot. She may have mentioned they were not planning any more children. That's irrelevant. She said right from the outset that it was a loan. Lots of people hang on to the cot for sentimental reasons.

OP becomes pregnant. Colleague is asked to return cot. He says no. He and his wife are definitely being unreasonable not to at least say 'Could we possibly hold on to it for x months longer?'

(a) Colleague's child is now old enough for a bed.
(b) Colleague has plenty of money to buy a bed.
(c) OP and her husband and their second child need the cot!

OP, you are in my opinion very definitely not unreasonable and you haven't been dripfeeding. As so often happens, a lot of posters have not bothered to read your OP properly.

countessmarkyabitch · 05/03/2015 11:22

Ahem, I think you've understood somewhere Mimsy, as your summary is inaccurate.
HTH.

funnyossity · 05/03/2015 11:22

They are very cheeky but having lived through this sort of thing in the past I realised how some people are and adapt my own behaviour.

Only loan stuff to people with the same ideas as yourself, i.e it's a temporary favour not an entitlement for use until they decide they have finished with i or trashed it. Any loan requested via my DH I usually turn down as he will never rock the boat and indulges people who are users imo.

I do give stuff away for good freely.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 05/03/2015 11:27

Yanbu. Another one amazed at some of the replies here - though as ever, Aibu seems to attract a number of posters who will swear black is white in an attempt to wind up the Op.

It's yours and anyone in their right mind, upon discovering you were Pg again, would have offered/given it back quick smart. DC1 was in a regular bed at 20 months as she could climb out of her cot. I think cots for children over two are ridiculous - surely they'll be cramped and uncomfortable? DC2 is huge (off the charts in terms of length and weight) and there is no way he'll fit in his cot at two unless he's all curled up in a ball.

Good luck Op - sounds like your DH needs to man up too.

diddl · 05/03/2015 11:28

So what if OP actually said that they could have the cot?

Circs have changed, she now needs it for her son & the other couple don't need it any more.

it's not as if they were never going to have to move their child out & buy a bed!

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 05/03/2015 11:29

countess Mimsy's account looks right to me.

AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves · 05/03/2015 11:29

I don't think so, countess.

OP's post #1:

Two years ago we lent our cot to some friends (the H is a colleague of DP's). DD was 4 and we weren't planning anymore DC.

But DS came along 6 months ago and a few months later I asked DP to ask friend if we could come collect the cot. He said no shock . They were still using it as their DS's bed. I was raging and had to be talked out of saying something.

Now DS has outgrown his crib. He's mostly co-sleeping but I want to turn the spare room into his room and start sleep training him. We don't have another £100 to spend on a cot when we already own one. Their DS is 2 and a half.

DP was meant to ask friend about cot again yesterday but 'forgot'. I'm half tempted to text them both (can't ring as they work) and say we're coming to collect it on Saturday.

Who is BU?

OP's post #2:

It was abundantly clear it was a loan.
Their child is now a toddler and, I would have thought, too big for the cot. We moved DD to a toddler bed at 18 months.

Friends are wealthier than us and can afford a new one.

Bottom line is, if I had someone else's property and they asked for it back I would say yes without batting an eyelid. To say no is flat out bloody rude. In fact, I would have dropped it round to my friends house the moment I found out she was pregnant again.

The cot is a lovely one that cost us £150. I don't care if they are ten a penny on Gumtree. I want mine back.

Since when has a loan automatically turned into forever after a certain period of time? That's a new one on me.

OP's post #3:

MrsBiggins why would I need to state explicit conditions when it was a loan.

The word 'loan' implies temporary does it not?

OP's post #4:

Nope pressone

Their first notice was me announcing my pregnancy.

Their second notice was us outright asking for the cot back.

They've had 3 months since then to go buy a bed and transition their DS into it.

Their failure to do that is not my problem.

minionmadness · 05/03/2015 11:29

If I borrowed a baby item from someone who then found out unexpectedly that they were pregnant, my first thought would be to see when they needed it back.

I'm sure that friend/relative would then say. No, you keep it, we'll get another... or... Keep it until (insert date) which would give me time to sort an alternative.

It was a loan... not a gift.