These friends ARE being unreasonable, right?

[MaloryArcher]

Two years ago we lent our cot to some friends (the H is a colleague of DP's). DD was 4 and we weren't planning anymore DC.

But DS came along 6 months ago and a few months later I asked DP to ask friend if we could come collect the cot. He said no . They were still using it as their DS's bed. I was raging and had to be talked out of saying something.

Now DS has outgrown his crib. He's mostly co-sleeping but I want to turn the spare room into his room and start sleep training him. We don't have another £100 to spend on a cot when we already own one. Their DS is 2 and a half.

DP was meant to ask friend about cot again yesterday but 'forgot'. I'm half tempted to text them both (can't ring as they work) and say we're coming to collect it on Saturday.

Who is BU?

YADNBU.

If as you say they could have afforded their own why on earth would you then still accept something you might have to give back, that's also already used and can be pretty cheaply bought if you have the cash. Their attitude is very rude, you have every right to ask, and have it given back.

You do if you are STILL USING IT.

Besides the conversation probably went something like this.

OP's dh - You know that cot we lent you, any chance we can have it back?
Dh's friend - Well...we're still using it. Xxx is still sleeping in it, sorry.
OP's dh - Oh right...okay then. Never mind.

OP goes mental thinking they're trying to steal her sodding cot.

aye, pictish, exactly

OP doesn't want to phone because they are not really friends at all, and because it would be an awkward conversation and because she knows she is being unreasonable.

Apologies op, I somehow missed the fact that you've given them plenty of warning about wanting the cot. YANBU, their behaviour is rather strange!

If the friends are still using it then they can offer to return it within a few weeks once they have a suitable replacement. OP shouldnt need to keep texting or being made to call, they have already asked for it back.

Hmm yes I see...OP told them she wanted the cot back three months ago. That does put a different slant on things.

It's either a) they haven't got round to buying an alternative yet...which they probably should have, or least be assuring OP they will buy something else very soon.

Or b) They've thrown it out or given it away.

I think there are still too many gaps to form an opinion.

Who was it who had the conversation with the colleague about lending the cot? If it wasn't OP, is she sure that her husband made it absolutely clear?

What was said about the loan - was it along the lines of "You can keep it as long as you need it" or "you can keep it till we ask for it back" or "in the unlikely event that we have any more children we will want it back but otherwise you can keep it"?

Why was it a loan when they had no intention of having any more children? I know it has sentimental value but would they really have wanted a well-used cot back if it was only going to gather dust?

Or its knackered.

I agree Icmoi.

OP my solution is for you to speak to her. The men probably don't care about the cot either way, so the conversation about it was most likely brief, with a serving of 'whatever'.

Yes, I wondered about that gamerchick.

You can't ask for it back!! You say it was 'on loan' but did you clearly tell them this when handing it over and set a return date? You weren't planning on another baby so they probably assumed it was a gift. Most people wouldn't dream of asking for old baby stuff back!

Imagine how your DH feels asking them to return it, he's probably mortified! It makes both of you look mean and petty.

Unless you told them very clearly you wanted it back after a couple of years, it's rude to demand they return it now. Clearly they still need it! Or it could be so old and damaged/dirty by now they feel awkward returning it- what would you do if it's damaged, ask them to pay for it?! Maybe they've passed it on to someone else but are too embarassed to say?

Just get a new cot! You gave the old one away.

Or it's knackered, yeah. Which by the way, is the consequence of lending your stuff out. Don't lend out anything you remotely care about. Things get broken and lost, accidents occur, there's wear and tear...and often it doesn't come back in the condition you last saw it in, if at all. This is not through neglect, laziness or greediness, but because shit happens.

I never borrow stuff either because I cba with the responsibility of looking after it. If something were to happen to it, I'd feel obliged to put my hand in my pocket to replace whatever it was, and if I'd wanted to do that, I'd have bought myself a new one in the first place.
It's crap having someone else's stuff.

This is the only place I have ever come across so many people who believe that it is perfectly fine and acceptable to refuse to return borrowed items, and that the original owners have a cheek to ask for them back. If I had been loaned a cot and didn't want to return it when asked for it because my child had some particular attachment to it, I would offer to buy it and actually make it mine. I wouldn't assume that it was mine just because I didn't fancy giving it back!

I agree that you need to actually talk about it with them.

If they insist that they still need it, you might have to just get another cot yourself & get yours back when you can & put it down as a lesson learned.

If it is knackered or they have passed it on you would think that they would say so as that would put an end to it all!

OP, when you told them that you were pregnant, did you say then that you would be wanting the cot back or expect them guess?

This is exactly why I refused to borrow anything when I was expecting DS.

Half the time I felt like the stuff we were being offered was totally for the convenience of the loaners, who didn't want to store a cot or a pram at their house until they were ready to use it again. I knew they'd be asking for it back when it suited them, not me. No folks, that's really not doing me a favour.

Then you get the offers of loans of vomit covered clothes, with the explicit instructions that the loaner wants them all back... yeah I really want to spend the next six months trying to remember which clothes are yours, to ensure you get every single generic off-white 99p babygro back.

If you were clear it was a loan, YANBU.
And even if you weren't clear... of somebody had given me something, and we'd just about finished with it (a kid's bike, say) and the donor said, Er, could we have it back, I'd say, sure.

Their DC will need a proper bed soon anyway, so I'm not sure why they're stalling.

ok what you do is go to there house
barge in put your hand in their faces and tell them your sick of their excuses
pick up said toddler fling him out of the cot
pick up you cot and run with it
job done

If the borrowers came to OP's house to collect the cot, she would have had the opportunity to say to them directly 'We are happy that we can help by lending you our cot. Please keep it as long as you need it' which is what I would have said, in the extremely unlikely eventuality that I'd agreed to lend our cot to anyone who could afford to buy a new one. With that form of words, I don't see how anybody could have been under the illusion that it was theirs to keep.

If, OTOH, the OP's husband put it in the boot of the car, drove it to work and effected a transfer in the car park, I suppose the terms and conditions of the loan might not have been clear.

It all depends.

My children's cot is in our loft, I think. I hope to use it if we ever have any grandchildren.

If you offered the loan for "as long as you need it", then YABU as they clearly still need it.

I expect both the offer and the request for it back, were all a bit vague, which is a shame as now 2 sets of parents ar going to feel narked.

If I were asked to return a loaned item, I would immediately, but if I still needed it and would have to pay for another, while only using it for a little while, I'd be a bit p'ed off. No one "wealthy" borrows a cot from someone they aren't close friends with.

Can't believe OP doesn't see she is being unreasonable! You lent someone a bed for their infant for two years and then out of the blue ask if you can come over and pick it up. Obviously when it comes to something like a child's bed you need to give them a bit of notice! (And no falling pregnant doesn't count!)

She asked three months ago. Not out of the blue.

I'm in the yabu camp.

Bang all you like, she didn't ask. She asked her DH to ask them and maybe he did or didn't. Who the hell knows? Not you anyway.

The first and only time the cot has been mentioned was three months ago. The OP asked (out of the blue!) if she could come over and get it. Clearly, it was not going to be possible for them to just be like, yeah come and take our child's bed before we've made any arrangements. So they said no. At that stage, it appears to have been left. If OP had said in response, well you are going to have to transition to a bed as I need the cot back soon, they I would agree that they are being unreasonable. But nothing of that order seems to have been said. Given that it was left, I don't think the lendees are necessarily aware that the OP is steaming over this.

no, Mimsy - her DP asked. Casually, probably. In passing at work, probably. Not understanding the monumental significance of it to OP, he probably didn't actually say "We will need the cot back in a couple of moths please". He also probably answered "no worries" to his mate who said his kid was still using it.

He "forgot" to ask again because it is really embarrassing to be asking for something back after so long, when he knows it wasn't clear whether it was loaned or given, when the other person still needs it, and he's probably okayed it.

OP, I get it's annoying to have to buy a cot when you know there is (or was) one that is yours. But in this case they are not being unreasonable. They probably don't even really know that you actually want it back.