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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

These friends ARE being unreasonable, right?

239 replies

MaloryArcher · 05/03/2015 08:32

Two years ago we lent our cot to some friends (the H is a colleague of DP's). DD was 4 and we weren't planning anymore DC.

But DS came along 6 months ago and a few months later I asked DP to ask friend if we could come collect the cot. He said no Shock . They were still using it as their DS's bed. I was raging and had to be talked out of saying something.

Now DS has outgrown his crib. He's mostly co-sleeping but I want to turn the spare room into his room and start sleep training him. We don't have another £100 to spend on a cot when we already own one. Their DS is 2 and a half.

DP was meant to ask friend about cot again yesterday but 'forgot'. I'm half tempted to text them both (can't ring as they work) and say we're coming to collect it on Saturday.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
TheRealMaryMillington · 05/03/2015 11:30

So…

Your DPs work colleague (because they are not really "friends", re they?, or this wouldn't have arisen) announced they were having a baby.

Your DP thinks "oh great we can offload some of our old baby stuff" and said he had a cot that they could have. Colleague grateful as despite some people thinking they are minted things are going to be tight once they have a child. Cot is nothing special and you have to buy a new mattress for it but their DS sleeps happily in it.

Time moves on and your surprise baby is getting bigger, you ask your DP to see if you can get the cot back. He thinks this is unnecessary as, indeed, it was nothing special but says to colleague "have you finished with the cot yet, it would be useful". Colleague says "er no actually, DS still sleeps in it and we don't want to put him in a bed, also didn't realise you'd want it back" and its got teethmarks on it now. Your DP says that's fine, and thinks it's fine. You give him a load of grief because it doesn't matter to you if your DH has a strained relationship with the people he works with.

funnyossity · 05/03/2015 11:32

Agreed minion.

But there are some odd people out there. And they all seem to know my DH as well as the OP's!

AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves · 05/03/2015 11:33

If I were a well off person who had borrowed a cot that I then decided I wanted to keep, I'd offer to pay for it. It's not I'd borrowed a sippy cup or a nappy - a cot costs a significant amount of money.

rootypig · 05/03/2015 11:34

I don't think I'd want a cot back after it being in someone else's house for two and a half years. There's something odd about it.

I know this isn't helpful, just musing.

funnyossity · 05/03/2015 11:36

However you tell the story Mary they are still cheeky.

It's the privilege of the well off to see it as "nothing special" in the first place.

funnyossity · 05/03/2015 11:38

rooty you just get a new mattress. I had a cot that had had four kids in by the end.

BarbarianMum · 05/03/2015 11:41

There's a C19 wrought iron cot knocking around my Spanish family and friends that has been hardly out of use for the past 100 years. I'd have had it for mine if the cost of shipping it hadn't been so great. Think the mattress might have been changed a time or two but Wink

TheRealMaryMillington · 05/03/2015 11:41

The colleague will have failed to see the connection between OP being pregnant and needing to give the cot back in a few months' time. Her DP will not have said it was a loan, explicitly either, would place a bet on it.

hey ho, neither a borrower nor a lender be.

sybilwibble · 05/03/2015 11:43

YABU
It was clearly offered up as 'not needed anymore'. That's not a loan, with an understanding that it might be needed at a later date. That's a , "Phew, let's make some space at home by passing on the no longer needed cot. Result!"

Perhaps they don't even have it anymore? Perhaps they thought it would be ideal for them, but then thought again after they had decorated the nursery?

I do remember someone giving me their old, no longer needed pushchair, which was very kind of them, but the basket was broken and the raincover didn't fit. I didn't want to confront them and give it back (and def got the impression they would not have wanted it back and were glad to make space by getting rid of it!) I popped it in the charity shop and bought a new one. If they had later asked for it back two years later I'd have been mortified!!

SnottyCowbag · 05/03/2015 11:46

Tricky situation but I don't get the outrage at this - the other couple might be happy to return it.

I would give it back to you if I were them.

I would love to know the exact wording of the 'it's a loan' conversation.

I think YANBU but you are jumping the gun getting irritated with them. They wanted to hang on to the crib when your DS was a baby because they would presume he wouldn't need it. If you ask now they might be (and should be) more than happy yo return it to you.

I think sending them a shirty text is uncalled for at this stage. I'd send a polite and friendly text asking for it back. If they then refuse to return it you could send a shirty text.

diddl · 05/03/2015 11:47

"Perhaps they don't even have it anymore? Perhaps they thought it would be ideal for them, but then thought again after they had decorated the nursery?"

well then perhaps they should tell the OP that so that she knows she needs to buy one, rather than that their son is still sleeping in it!

SunnyBaudelaire · 05/03/2015 11:49

why the big focus on texting? It is so passive aggressive. WHat is wrong with the phone?

Brandysnapper · 05/03/2015 11:52

I didn't use dc1's cot for dc2 as the guidance on drop sides cots had changed by then, and I wouldn't have taken the (small) risk of using it when they are no longer for sale.

Kittymum03 · 05/03/2015 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flomple · 05/03/2015 12:10

I agree Kittymum, and anyway cots come in different sizes. My DC2 was fine in his until 2.5 and the containment made it much safer for him to share a room with DC1.

bensam · 05/03/2015 12:14

Yanbu. It was a loan and it wasn't exactly going to be for a few months so the fact that it's two years doesn't make any difference. You need it now and they should give it back.

DeweyDecibelle · 05/03/2015 12:23

If the borrowers wanted a cot no strings attached they should have bought their bloody own! How is the OP being stingy, if anyone's stingy it's the borrowers.

And people saying the cot was given and the OP wasn't planning any more children - how do you know this was communicated to the borrowers, it may well not have been.

I'm so shocked at these attitudes and hope I never have the misfortune to LEND any of you miserable lot anything!!

MrsBigginsPieShop · 05/03/2015 12:24

Small Claims Court?!
Love it! Oh please do OP. Get your sad face ready for the DM too!

DarkHeart · 05/03/2015 12:27

To say no when you asked for it back is the height of rudeness.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/03/2015 12:32

There is a lot of speculation on this thread without anyone really knowing what was said, and I imagine there's a high possibility the op doesn't really know either.
So, I'll add to it...
Given their kid is 2.5, chances are he's already out of his cot. They got rid of it ages ago.

letscookbreakfast · 05/03/2015 12:38

OP YANBU, the fact that they said no when your partner asked for it back was very fucking rude. I'd tell them that you are collecting it on Saturday.

NotLoveActually · 05/03/2015 12:42

YANBU to want your property back. With ds2 we borrowed a cot from friends that they had in the loft for 5 years, we used it for just under a years. Cue a phone call from us, asking when it suited to drop it back to them. Now, it turned out they didn't want it back and we passed it on to someone else, but the point is, we had the manners to acknowledge that it remained their property .

pictish · 05/03/2015 12:46

You are being unreasonable. You lent it to them saying it was fine because you weren't going to have any more kids. They would have assumed it was a long term loan until they are finished using it. They are still using it. Kicking their kid out of it because your terms have suddenly changed would be really ungracious, as that was not the set up when they borrowed it. That your circumstances have changed is not their fault.

Never lend anything out that you want back anyway.

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 05/03/2015 12:51

OP you are so not BU. I cannot believe the number of potential thiefs replying on here.
It was a LOAN. You dont keep something someone has kindly LENT you, thats stealing.
Its irrelevent if OP wasnt intending to have another child. It was still a loan.
Its irrelevant how long its been, its still a loan.
They should give it back but OP maybe give them a few weeks to get a replacement, if they still dont then they are they are ones needing to be 'dropped like hot potatoes'

diddl · 05/03/2015 12:59

"They are still using it. Kicking their kid out of it because your terms have suddenly changed would be really ungracious, as that was not the set up when they borrowed it. That your circumstances have changed is not their fault."

But their kid is two & a half.

it's not as if it's ridiculously young to go in a bed.

And those parents have been saved the expense of buying a cot.

They are probably miffed, but to not comply at all is ridiculous imo.