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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think whatever I do for ds it will never make up for being unable to give him a sibling?

330 replies

Notmymuse · 04/03/2015 18:31

Sat here in tears again, I'm so so desperate for a second baby but we've tried naturally for three years and with assistance for two and it's not going to happen by the look of things.

Ds is 5 and I feel like we've missed out a lot of his childhood because we've been chasing this impossible baby. Yes we've done lots with him and I've taken him loads of places. At parent's evening his teacher said how knowledgable he is and you can tell he's had a lot of interaction and conversation with adults because his vocabulary is huge.
However I feel whatever I do for him and with him it will never make up for his lack of sibling. I feel like I've ruined his life. He's missing out on the most important relationship and he's never going to have that. I worry he will blame me when he's older. I try and let him have friends round and go to lots of clubs so he mixes well but it's not the same is it? He's not going to get the skills he'd have if he had a sibling.

Aibu to feel like no matter how hard I try it's all a bit futile? There will always be a big gaping hole in his life?

OP posts:
jemstipp · 04/03/2015 18:39

Don't be so hard on yourself. Flowers I'm an only child myself and while I spometimes wonder what it would be like to have siblings, I certainly don't hold it against my parents xxxx

ocelot41 · 04/03/2015 18:40

Oh sweetie. Big hug. This is your pain, not your child's. Of course you haven't ruined his life. It sounds like he is a very loved little boy. As long as you make sure that his friends are welcome to come play, he will be fine. Honest.

Our DS went through a (very) brief stage if wanting a sibling when many of his friends had baby brothers or sisters arriving. But it vanished pretty fast. He is also 5 and an only by choice.

turquoiseamethyst · 04/03/2015 18:40

Gosh, I know you're upset but what a horrible post to all the happy, well-adjusted and content one-child families out there Shock

My DS was 7 when DD was born and it never crossed my mind he was lacking "skills" or that he lacked "the most important relationship." I really am open-mouthed that this would be an issue.

I am firmly of the view that someone should have a baby because they want another son or daughter, not to give an existing child a brother or sister. FWIW my son is absolutely gorgeous and has always returned my love a thousand times over. He is caring, empathetic and kind to other children and when he finally GOT a baby sister was lovely but we did so because we wanted a second baby, not because he needed a sister! He was lovely anyway!

I hope you get your second baby Flowers but honestly this is not something that should impact on your DS.

Stealthpolarbear · 04/03/2015 18:43

im a only and 'wanted' siblings as a chil in the way i wanted a doll or toy. wasnt a gaping hole in my life. i was close to my cousins and we used to go on hols etc together.parents also encouraged ne to invite friends round.
hAve to admit its as an adult and i see my parents getting older tat i feel it would be good to have a sibling to share any worry. dh will help so its not about actual work or finance but any stress, decision making etc.
(parents are early 60s btw so i may be thinking ahead somehwat :o)

Original poster
Notmymuse · 04/03/2015 18:43

It is the opinion of a lot of people. Lots of people have said or implied that ds will be adversely affected by being an only one 'oh what a shame for him' is a phrase I regularly hear.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 04/03/2015 18:44

With some of the sibling relationships I know, there's no guarantee they'd even get on as adults, so really, don't worry about it

Original poster
Notmymuse · 04/03/2015 18:44

He has no cousins his own age either :-(
I think if he did I wouldn't feel so bad but they're all grown up.

OP posts:
Tobyjugg · 04/03/2015 18:45

Don't beat yourself up over this. I speak as an only child and when I saw what my mates at school suffered from their siblings (both older and younger) I was very glad of the fact. Remember two things. One, never having had a DS or DB he won't know what he's missing and two the really important thing is that he has friends (who are, after all, the family we choose for ourselves).

jemstipp · 04/03/2015 18:45

Then those people are idiots

RollaCola · 04/03/2015 18:45

I'm an only child, as Is DD, I almost find it offensive to suggest that we have a big gaping hole in our lives, or that our lives are somehow ruined.

Not having a sibling isn't the end of the world, in fact I don't think it's much of a big deal at all, for very person I know who has a wonderful relationship with their sibling(s) there's another who has a strained relationship with theirs.

Families come in all shapes and sizes, your son will be fine.

MorrisZapp · 04/03/2015 18:45

This is your own issue, please don't project it on to your son. Of course he
won't lack skills, or blame you, or have his life ruined. Those are extreme reactions based entirely on your feelings and not his.

ouryve · 04/03/2015 18:47

My kids hate each other. Not sibling rivalry - they actually do hate each other.

I fought with my brother constantly and we're still not close.

There are worse things in life than not having a sibling. Honest.

Alwaysbeenwrong · 04/03/2015 18:48

My DS is an only child and he is not resentful that he didn't have a sibling. He was always close to his cousins and had plenty of friends. This is a non issue in my opinion

Tobyjugg · 04/03/2015 18:48

It is the opinion of a lot of people. Lots of people have said or implied that ds will be adversely affected by being an only one

And it is my opinion that such people are talking total and utter tripe.

ouryve · 04/03/2015 18:49

oh what a shame for him' is a phrase I regularly hear.

That's because people can be thoughtless arseholes.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 04/03/2015 18:50

Notmymuse, a lot of people come out with a lot of claptrap about all sorts of things.

Being an only child is perfectly fine. Yes, he might think he wants siblings at some points, just as siblings might think they'd like to be single children at times. Both is fine as long as they are loved and wanted etc., etc.

Sorry you are struggling though. Flowers

FatherReboolaConundrum · 04/03/2015 18:50

Me too jem. I don't ever remember missing having a brother or sister particularly not when I saw what my friends' little brothers were like and I hope I'm not missing out on skills I'd have picked up if I'd had siblings Grin.

The only thing that ever bothered me about being an only child was the way that my mum went on and on and on about how terrible it was, how she'd failed me as a mother. She seemed to find it particularly important to share this with me and my dad and other family members at family celebrations, particularly my birthday. When I was younger it made me feel very unhappy and oddly responsible; when I got older it just became really irritating. I'm sure you're not doing this OP, but please don't ever fall into this trap. Your ds will not thank you for it.

countessmarkyabitch · 04/03/2015 18:50

He's not going to get the skills he'd have if he had a sibling.

OddFodd · 04/03/2015 18:50

Really? My DS is almost 8 and no one has ever said 'oh what a shame for him' to me. Perhaps because I don't think it's a shame and I don't go round thinking that his life is futile without a sibling.

Your son is a gift. Don't spoil his childhood by wishing it away. Time to move on. Don't make your pain his -that's very unfair.

feelingploppy · 04/03/2015 18:51

I am afraid that I can't believe that people actually say that it is a shame that your son is an only child. I think you infer that. I just cannot believe that anyone can be so insensitive.

I have an only child and sometimes worry, however I believe in my heart that we have made the right decision (due to the post natal depression which I suffered from).

Please listen to the people here and on all the other posts you have written under different names.

Charlotte3333 · 04/03/2015 18:51

So far this week my 9 year old has pushed the 4 year old down the last four stairs and to retaliate the 4 year old sat on the 9 year old's pillow with no pants on. Siblings are beyond overrated.

We have quite a few friends with only one child. Only one of those children is a bellend, and he'd be a bellend regardless of siblings, the rest are wonderful, kind, lovely children. Your son is happy, loved and well-adjusted. He'll grow up just fine.

Charlotte3333 · 04/03/2015 18:52

And the only skills I see that my children have since having two is that they can both throw a bloody good punch.

Kundry · 04/03/2015 18:54

Frankly, a lot of people behave like utter twats towards one child families.

My whole childhood was 'Isn't she spoilt being the only one?' - no, not as much as your entitled brats are, repeat at least once a week. Never did we go up to multi-child families and cast aspersions on their parenting and choices but apparently it was open season on us. Given my mother would have loved to have more children and I was her miracle baby after a series of stillbirths it must have been incredibly hurtful for her to be endlessly accused of being selfish for only having one.

Being an only child is ace. You have your parents undivided attention and love. In my case I had financial support they wouldn't have been able to offer if they had 2 as well. I've never wanted a brother or sister and now I'm with DH who has them, he isn't even close to them as an adult. I have an amazing relationship with my parents and wouldn't have had it any other way.

This is your loss because you would have loved to have more children but your DS doesn't know any different. Enjoy his happiness. Flowers

Tobyjugg · 04/03/2015 18:54

For children, friends are more important than siblings in my view. Any loneliness I had as a child was because we lived right on the edge of my hometown whereas my schools and friends were all in the centre. That was a pain until I was old enough to walk/get a bus in to town. But not having a DB or DS never bothered me at all. I'd be more concerned about making sure he has friends than giving him a DS or DB however much you may want a second child.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 04/03/2015 18:54

Good grief, OP, you are projecting massively onto your DS here!! I'm an only and - although I say so myself - am absolutely fine. It's only now, that my DPs are older that I could do with a sibling. There's no guarantee that siblings would be that close, especially as your DS is now 5 anyway - that would be a largish age gap. I'm sure he'll be absolutely fine as an only, as many, many people are Smile