To think whatever I do for ds it will never make up for being unable to give him a sibling?

[Notmymuse]

Sat here in tears again, I'm so so desperate for a second baby but we've tried naturally for three years and with assistance for two and it's not going to happen by the look of things.

Ds is 5 and I feel like we've missed out a lot of his childhood because we've been chasing this impossible baby. Yes we've done lots with him and I've taken him loads of places. At parent's evening his teacher said how knowledgable he is and you can tell he's had a lot of interaction and conversation with adults because his vocabulary is huge.
However I feel whatever I do for him and with him it will never make up for his lack of sibling. I feel like I've ruined his life. He's missing out on the most important relationship and he's never going to have that. I worry he will blame me when he's older. I try and let him have friends round and go to lots of clubs so he mixes well but it's not the same is it? He's not going to get the skills he'd have if he had a sibling.

Aibu to feel like no matter how hard I try it's all a bit futile? There will always be a big gaping hole in his life?

OP - and according to your ranking of sympathy do you not deserve any because you have one child and not none?

Honestly, if you refuse to get help for yourself, do it for your son. You are ill. But you are also refusing to take any personal responsibility for recovery.

No no you're right. I'm an awful person. I don't know why I don't just go and finish myself off. I'm vile. I'm horrific. Im a terrible mother. No wonder I have no friends etc etc.
I may be slightly irrational as guess what - our third cycle of ivf has definitely failed. So I guess who ever decides who gets the babies realises what a shitty person I am and knows I don't deserve another baby.
That's fine. That's just how it is.
Stupid useless body.

And I would never say about wanting a second child so badly to someone who couldn't have any. If a real life friend was struggling to get pregnant with her first I wouldn't go on about wanting a second.
That's why it is galling to hear someone who can get pregnant easily decide they might not in case it's the 'wrong' gender. At least I've never told my son he's the wrong gender I suppose.

Don't know what kind of Catholics disagree with fertility treatment. I have many friends and family who are Catholics of varying degrees of devoutness and not one would spout this kind of rubbish. Your Socalled friends who happen to be Catholic just sound mean.
I'm so sorry about your secondary infertility but you seem in a cycle of misery that can only do you harm.
I totally understand about wanting a second, believe me, I do. But meanwhile your dc is growing up and should be having fun. You said in your op that nothing you do can make up for his loss. This is a loss you feel . He knows nothing else and I hope he isn't feeling he is a disappointment to you. I hope he's just enjoying life.

I'm stopping now because I'm really not rational this morning.
I need to go and calm down.

You are all right. My son deserves a better mother than me. At least he has his dad. They are downstairs together now.

No you're not! You are depressed and need a professional to talk to. Ultimately this should help you develop the empathy which will make your life easier- to understand that we all have losses, yours different from but no greater than your friends'.

Oh no, don't think you're ruining his life! I have the same feelings for my only child - especially when they are bored and have 'no-one to play with'. But then I remember the constant fighting and squabbling and hairpulling and toybreaking I had as a child with siblings and think, she's lucky to have the peace and space I wanted. It's swings and roundabouts. Don't listen to the rubbish people say about 'little emperor' syndrome either. Only children can be caring, emphatic and kind. Siblings might be selfish and greedy. All depends on personality and how you bring them.
But your feelings, on the other hand, are to do with your want for another child and that is sad. I hope you manage to conceive x Take the pressure off yourself for a little while. Easier said than done, I know.

and your son is probably very happy to have a mother who works so hard to keep him that way. Don't doubt yourself or your love for your child x

And you need to see a GP if your life doesnâ??t feel valuable. I know. I've been there. Help is there. Free. Confidential. Please get it.

Op am stopping also. Noone has said your ds deserves a better mother. Stop wallowing and actually read the very sage advice you've had by the bucket load on here!
Not going to waste more time - like ALL of us, I have my own (not insignificant) shit to deal with!!! People have regaled heartbreaking stories on here, you've breezed past most of them! Suggest getting a good book on empathy, seriously. Vital life skill.

No, your son doesn't need a different mother. He needs you.

I'm so sorry your IVF has failed. Are you sure your clinic doesn't offer counselling? My friend had quite a lot from the clinic when she was coming to terms with her secondary infertility.

hasn't anyone else on here been at the end of their tether? When people feel depressed the last thing they need is a bunch of people telling them to 'get a grip' or 'stop wallowing'. We've all been there, haven't we? Or maybe not. I guess it can make people cross when someone doesn't appear to be listening. But it's hard to listen and think straight when you're depressed. And it's not for us to judge what someone should get depressed about and what a real problem is.

No this was a FET with a donor embryo from Spain so I don't think they give any counselling sessions. They didn't before hand either.
I've managed to kill someone else's child.

I'm sorry if I've sound horrible. I don't mean to be. I do think I'm irrational at the moment and all the hormones I've been taking probably aren't helping me much either.

But the embryo was given to you as a chance, not a sure fire thing. People who donate know this. You are stressed, it's ok. It's a natural reaction to your situation.

But if it's implantation problems maybe it would have survived if it had been given to someone else?
I feel even worse about this than when my own embryos failed. They weren't very good embryos they were slow anyhow so I don't think they'd have made it whatever.
But this one - this one was a good one. And it still didnt make it.

I see this thread is ending the same as the one last year, with people getting angry and having to walk away

They gave me a photo of it and everything.

I know rationally it had about a 40% chance of making it. The odds were always against us, I still feel guilty though. No idea what to do with the photo.

That was my friend's last try as well (Spanish embryo). She definitely had counselling. You need to ask for it though. I didn't realise you were in the throes of IVF when you started this thread. On your last thread you said you'd stopped trying.

You and your husband both need support in coming to terms with your secondary infertility.

I have no idea whether your friend has debilitating gender disappointment or whether it's all just a joke for her.

To me, both gender disappointment and 'sibling disappointment' are equally non-issue as each other. I'm not sure I would 'rank' one above the other in terms of being deserving of sympathy. I have an only DS (unable to have more due to infertility) so I suppose I could toss a coin and get hung up about either disappointments if I wanted to waste my one, precious life.

How you feel about women who don't get their preferred gender is how I feel about people who don't get their preferred number of children. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't get what they want from life but object strongly where that disappointment impacts on their existing child(ren).

We have given up trying with our own embryos.
I was really torn re donor treatment but dh was very keen.
Decided to give it a go. The clinic have definitely never mentioned anything, we had one appointment with them via Skype and then went to the clinic and I haven't heard from them again since we got back. I didn't think it had worked but today was my official testing date. I was fairly certain it had failed anyway as was negative test on Friday but you always hope it's just too early.
I know the progestetone makes me feel worse, it's like extended pmt. likely I will feel better when it drops out of my system, I know this logically but at the moment there seems no end to it.

OddFodd has your friend definitely stopped trying now?

please op you aren't a bad mother, you are a wonderful caring mother who needs help. Please go to your gp tomorrow and tell them the depth of your despair.

AIBU isn't the place to get this help. Ask for this thread to be deleted.

Jesus love, please knock the IVF on the head. It's destroying your mental health. And yes, the hormones are probably making your existing depression, anxiety and low self esteem a lot harder to handle.

You absolutely should not be trying to have a baby by any means when your mental health is so fragile. If your husband doesn't get that then he is an utter prick who views you more as a brood mare than a wife who is fragile and needs care.

You are blessed, you are lucky to have your child. You can't see that because your head is fucked. You need professional help to unfuck it and your husband needs to back the fuck off. Dickhead.