To think whatever I do for ds it will never make up for being unable to give him a sibling?

[Notmymuse]

Sat here in tears again, I'm so so desperate for a second baby but we've tried naturally for three years and with assistance for two and it's not going to happen by the look of things.

Ds is 5 and I feel like we've missed out a lot of his childhood because we've been chasing this impossible baby. Yes we've done lots with him and I've taken him loads of places. At parent's evening his teacher said how knowledgable he is and you can tell he's had a lot of interaction and conversation with adults because his vocabulary is huge.
However I feel whatever I do for him and with him it will never make up for his lack of sibling. I feel like I've ruined his life. He's missing out on the most important relationship and he's never going to have that. I worry he will blame me when he's older. I try and let him have friends round and go to lots of clubs so he mixes well but it's not the same is it? He's not going to get the skills he'd have if he had a sibling.

Aibu to feel like no matter how hard I try it's all a bit futile? There will always be a big gaping hole in his life?

OP Please think me as your big cyber-brother because I am giving you a massive hug. My DS has grown into a well-balanced and decent young man without - so far as I can see - missing having a sibling. You sound like you re giving him a fantastic start in life. Please - look after yourself and try not to let this get you down.

I think your ds has only missed out on childhood because of your desperate need to have another baby.
That has consumed you.
I am an only and my son is.
Get over it. He isn't missing out, he will however, if you continue being selfish.

I'm an only child and youngest in the family by a good few years. I loved being an only child and never missed having a sibling. I was lucky that because I was an only child mum and dad could do loads with me. Every night of the week I was at different activities - swimming, dancing, St johns, girl guides ect. I had loads of friends who mum was more than happy to have around for tea.

Best of all its taught me to be very self reliant and to have the confidence to do things on my own. I love my own company - a good bit of me time.

Dh has a sibling and its the most toxic relationship every - he would probably be much happier if he had been an only child.

Kite my parents and brother all died before I was 30.

you cope :)

Btw I have 3 children and feel my eldest who's 6 misses out on loads which makes me feel very guilty. He never gets to go swimming, it's hard doing his homework with all the housing dc's. He would probably do better in school if I could give him more 1-1 time.

Hi, OP. And hugs. I know how you feel, though we are finally expecting, after the same kind of timeframe as you. How old are you? Are you ruling it our ever happening, or may it yet?

Yes, I was grateful I had one, I know many don't even get one. But I wanted a sibling so badly for him. He does have cousins but SIL raises them vastly differently to how we are, it's just not the same. Nor does she show any interest in having them near us anyway! And friends aren't the same - different parenting, different bed times, different styles, different holidays. None of these things made me feel better about DS being an only. Fine if it works for those who chose to have an only, but we don't always have cousins on tap, or friends that are free to spend enough time with our only.

BUT. If it does not happen, I do think you have to focus on the positives of being an only child, and there definitely are many. That doesn't take away your pain, but it's the only way I think you can move on. I am still hoping it will happen for you.

Good god, OP - I have an only child, and he isn't missing out at all. He has other children close in his life, and also had quality time with the adults in his life, too.

I understand you are in pain as you wanted another child, but please don't project that onto him. It's unfair and pointless for him, and it's also really hurtful to all the single children and parents of single children who have read this.

'I expect he's an only child.' Sadly he is so this confirmed her view.

Confirms nothing of the sort. All it confirms is that the TA is as thick as two short planks if she believes that sort of rubbish.

OP I am sorry but in spite of all that's been said you seem to me to persist in the belief that an only child is a disadvantaged child. This is crap. Not a word of truth in it.

He's missing out on the most important relationship and he's never going to have that. I worry he will blame me when he's older

Yes he is missing out on a relationship but whether that would have been a good one or not you will never know. I know more sibs who do not get on as adults than who do.

How you feel is just a state of mind. Remember many many people only have one child so they can lavish that child with everything, many can only have one like you.

The chid will never know any different so its imp you dont pass on your own impressions to him. Dont compensate either. This is his life and journey, its how it will be, if this is all he has to bear in life, lucky him!

What a big pile of shite. I agree with other posters that the only way you're letting your DS down us by obsessing over the fact that he's an only.

I agree with everyone else op, you are projecting your own feelings into your DS.

My DS is an only and he's fine. Loads of friends and he talks to anyone and everyone. Don't make him feel he's not good enough without a sibling.

I agree with everyone else op, you are projecting your own feelings into your DS.

My DS is an only and he's fine. Loads of friends and he talks to anyone and everyone. Don't make him feel he's not good enough without a sibling.

I was close to my brother as a child, and have very little to do with him as an adult. My best friend and her sister never got along. You seem to have an idealised view of sisters and brothers. Some get on great, some never get on well and are never close.
Also I know many people with brothers or sisters where they are the ones that have been left to sort out all the care of elderly parents.

There are so many positives to having an only as well - don't be sad! :)

You have much more freedom to just get up and do stuff. If you wanted to you could look up budget flights, jump on a plane and spend a weekend somewhere in Europe for less than £400, just the three of you (or even two of you if one parent is busy!) You can't do that with more children because the cost keeps adding up, and plus it wouldn't really be worth the money and stress for a short time.

You only have to add one extra person's costs (and usually not full price) when you want to go and do stuff which makes it much easier. Now he's five you can pack an inflatable booster seat and literally go and do anything you like together!

You are able to follow his interests more, you don't have to drag him bored around activities which are aimed at a sibling, he doesn't have any siblings to ruin a day out which is just for him because they are bored.

You can also "tailor" his interests to some extent so that they are more in line with your adult ones. He'll be more on a level with you and DH rather than in a separate category entirely. That makes him more mature, and for you, more fun to be around.

You have more space at home so you can do crazy projects and leave them out - even though he's at school, look at home ed type projects. Could be fun!

You could consider getting a biggish pet, like a dog or cat, if you are worried that he is lacking companionship. A pet is usually a much better friend than a sibling, anyway. Of course, only if you and DH are prepared to care for it because a child of that age can't take responsibility even if they do ask for it.

I suppose I'm watching my dad - an only one - trying to cope with his elderly mother who has dementia and I just think how much easier this would be (maybe easier is the wrong word but you know what I mean) if he had a sibling to share the load. I know there's no saying a sibling would definitely have helped or lived locally but at least there is a chance of this if you actually have a sibling in the first place. My mum and get sister supported each other a lot when their parents died.
My mum supports my dad as much as she can but what if my ds never marries? Or what if he gets divorced and has no family left of his own? In some ways it wouldn't be so bad if he had been a girl as I think women have closer friendships but men don't rely on their friends in the same way. I just hate to think of him alone alone. It makes me feel really sad.

I hate my sister! My sister hates me! I used to LONG to be an only child. My mum has 3 other siblings and gets along great with them.

We have one DS (through circumstance - not actual choice - we would have liked 3 - but age and ability to get pregnant naturally stopped that!). BUT we are very happy being a family of 3 + pet - no regrets or what if's at all! We have no regrets for not pushing harder to try for another - I did actually wonder how could you possibly love another child when you love the one you have so much. My DS is perfectly sure he'd hate a sibling (they'd mess with his stuff etc). He is probably a bit spoilt in that he doesn't have to share the TV/iPad etc and so on and maybe in love too - we love him very much indeed.

You do need to occupy an only child a bit more perhaps, make more effort with having friends over etc, we make real efforts in the holidays and weekends to be actually out doing stuff rather than just at home all the time - though letting children get bored and working through stuff on their own is good too.

We have a tiny family, DS has ZERO cousins, and never will have. We manage absolutely fine and I wouldn't change my life now if I could.

I understand what you're saying about parents etc, but I'm dealing with that right now and my sister is not helping one bit (even though she lives closer).

Please don't worry, your son will be fine without a brother or sister (and probably anyway, considering he's 5 now he'd never be proper friends with the sibling as the age gap would be too great - perhaps when they're in their 20's?) - until then the new sibling might be more annoying - as you wouldn't be able to do all the stuff you do right now.

Please be happy for what you have. Your DS deserves that.

I have a sister, and I have a friend I've known since childhood. I don't think there is a huge difference between the two - we have shared history, in jokes, used to go on holiday together etc. We can talk after weeks of no contact and it's like we saw each other yesterday. Honestly, it doesn't have to be a sibling to get the good bits - and siblings carry a risk of bad bits, you can just ditch a rubbish friend!

I don't know if you've read the "if you could go back in time, would you still have you children" thread.

It's wonderfully honest, and I think one possible conclusion from it is that one is the ideal number of children.

I found it very noticeable how many of the parents who were really enjoying the experience had only one child.

Two good friends of mine had their only children at the time I had my eldest. Their lives have an awful lot to recommend them - their children get attention and experiences that mine will never have purely by virtue of having siblings.

I hope you get your second baby

Being an only won't ruin his life. He'll never know any different, it'll be normal for him.
I love being an only child (of an only child!) and my DS will be an only too.
I've suffered infertility too and it's horrible. I'm sorry you can't have the family you want. Make the most of your DS, he sounds fab. There are advantages as well as disadvantages to being an only. Spend your time and money on him, cherish him.
My DH has a sister and we barely see her, they aren't particularly close.

Another mum of an only. DS is an only because I am an older mum and we knew from the start that, if we were blessed with a child, he or she would be an only child.

I have two siblings and two of us fought like cat and dog for almost all our lives! I am the eldest and missed out on weekend school trips because money was tight. I remember saying to my mum I'd have a better childhood if it wasn't for those two (because she told me I couldn't go on a Calais trip as she had to buy three school uniforms). I felt so resentful that we couldn't have the foreign holidays my friends had because there were five mouths to feed on pretty small wages.

Yes, it was nice having company and being able to have someone to play with when it was raining but there are four years between me and the youngest so that 'play' soon wore off and she became a bloody nuisance when I was 13 and she was 9!

DS has loads of friends - I made extra sure we accepted every flipping play date invitation when he was younger and it's paid off. He is doing well at school, at six years old he had a reading age of 12 (I know lots of kids have this but I think, for him, it was because we both spent time reading and playing word games - not for the education, but for the fun) I and DH wouldn't have had that time if we had another child.

We've travelled with him, a lot. We did a lot of it when he was in pre school. If he had a younger sibling I don't think we'd have done it as one trip was to Australia. Hard with an almost four year old, very hard if we had had two under four years.

He is bright, he is great company, he has a good life, he also has temper tantrums to raise the roof so is no saint! But he's our boy and we enjoy his company a lot. It's great seeing him grow up and having the time to enjoy every minute of it - blink and it's gone. There are many, many blessings having just one.

One of my best friends is an only child. She and her husband, another only, made the conscious decision to have an only child themselves as their childhoods were great (and she lost her dad when she was six so you'd think that would have marred everything but she and her mum are very close)

I'll leave the last word to DS. A few months ago we went to a friend's house to play. The friend has a younger brother and, before the time was over, they were at each other's throat. DS and I came home and DH asked how we had got on. DS's reply? "Great dad but I'm glad I don't have a brother! Ah, peace and quiet at last, can I watch a lego you tube?" Says it all really.

Your family is your family. Don't worry about others opinions. Enjoy your son he sounds wonderful and you should be proud of the child you've produced.

Another mum of an only. DS is an only because I am an older mum and we knew from the start that, if we were blessed with a child, he or she would be an only child.

I have two siblings and two of us fought like cat and dog for almost all our lives! I am the eldest and missed out on weekend school trips because money was tight. I remember saying to my mum I'd have a better childhood if it wasn't for those two (because she told me I couldn't go on a Calais trip as she had to buy three school uniforms). I felt so resentful that we couldn't have the foreign holidays my friends had because there were five mouths to feed on pretty small wages.

Yes, it was nice having company and being able to have someone to play with when it was raining but there are four years between me and the youngest so that 'play' soon wore off and she became a bloody nuisance when I was 13 and she was 9!

DS has loads of friends - I made extra sure we accepted every flipping play date invitation when he was younger and it's paid off. He is doing well at school, at six years old he had a reading age of 12 (I know lots of kids have this but I think, for him, it was because we both spent time reading and playing word games - not for the education, but for the fun) I and DH wouldn't have had that time if we had another child.

We've travelled with him, a lot. We did a lot of it when he was in pre school. If he had a younger sibling I don't think we'd have done it as one trip was to Australia. Hard with an almost four year old, very hard if we had had two under four years.

He is bright, he is great company, he has a good life, he also has temper tantrums to raise the roof so is no saint! But he's our boy and we enjoy his company a lot. It's great seeing him grow up and having the time to enjoy every minute of it - blink and it's gone. There are many, many blessings having just one.

One of my best friends is an only child. She and her husband, another only, made the conscious decision to have an only child themselves as their childhoods were great (and she lost her dad when she was six so you'd think that would have marred everything but she and her mum are very close)

I'll leave the last word to DS. A few months ago we went to a friend's house to play. The friend has a younger brother and, before the time was over, they were at each other's throat. DS and I came home and DH asked how we had got on. DS's reply? "Great dad but I'm glad I don't have a brother! Ah, peace and quiet at last, can I watch a lego you tube?" Says it all really.

Your family is your family. Don't worry about others opinions. Enjoy your son he sounds wonderful and you should be proud of the child you've produced.

Another poster feeling you are projecting your own feelings onto your child.

I mean this very kindly but it is unhealthy that you are doing this and it will affect your child if you do not reign it in right now.

I have a brother who I am very close to. We weren't for several years (he was an aggressive twat through adolescence) but we are v.close now. He makes me laugh more than anyone else in the world and I adore him but he has struggled with addictions over the years and there were many many times that I wished we were not related.

I'm the 'strong one' in my family so during times of crisis/bereavement he was just another person that I was looking after and feeling responsible for without getting any support in return.

I have many friends who are only children and none of them seem damaged by that - in fact they are very successful and popular people.

You don't miss something you never had nor deemed important. Your child will not lament the absence of a sibling unless you tell/show him he should through your own inappropriate feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

Stop projecting and get some help around your own fears and disappointments.

Sorry for double, feature length post, bloody PC!

I have a DS (11 months) who is liky to be an only child through the choice of my DH.

OP - you have voiced all my inner worries.

I have a sister who I absolutely love to pieces and she is what has made my childhood such a wonderful period of my life. We are in our 30's now and she's like my best friend, I couldn't imaging life without her.

DH has a brother and they have a 13 year history of hating each other. They have reached a point of being civil but it was forced upon them and it clearly isn't genuine.

I guess that shows the two extremes and why DH isn't fussed about our DS having a sibling

I used to feel like that op but I honestly don't now. It is very hard when you want another baby and worry about having an only. It does feel sad and as if someone is missing.

As time goes on, if you don't have a second child, you may see it very differently. There are many advantages to having one and I know that Dd feels extremely happy and very, very rarely meets siblings that she envies. She likes having us to herself, enjoys the peace and quiet of our house and appreciates the fact that we can do a lot more because there are fewer of us. That's how she feels anyway.

I have 2 brothers and I love them very much but they loathe each other! All I remember about my childhood with them was them fighting!