To think whatever I do for ds it will never make up for being unable to give him a sibling?

[Notmymuse]

Sat here in tears again, I'm so so desperate for a second baby but we've tried naturally for three years and with assistance for two and it's not going to happen by the look of things.

Ds is 5 and I feel like we've missed out a lot of his childhood because we've been chasing this impossible baby. Yes we've done lots with him and I've taken him loads of places. At parent's evening his teacher said how knowledgable he is and you can tell he's had a lot of interaction and conversation with adults because his vocabulary is huge.
However I feel whatever I do for him and with him it will never make up for his lack of sibling. I feel like I've ruined his life. He's missing out on the most important relationship and he's never going to have that. I worry he will blame me when he's older. I try and let him have friends round and go to lots of clubs so he mixes well but it's not the same is it? He's not going to get the skills he'd have if he had a sibling.

Aibu to feel like no matter how hard I try it's all a bit futile? There will always be a big gaping hole in his life?

whilst i understand how you feel (from ten years of ttc No2, gave up in the end), i think you need to be both realistic with how you feel whilst being honest with yourself and at the same time stop over dramatising the reality. it is not the end of the world if you dc doesn't have a sibling. yes, some children are miserable but not all by any means. dd has never had a problem not having one and she ain't the first, or the last. With regard to the first part of my comment, possibly not but when people trying unsuccessfully to have a second child and say how they are doing it to provide a sibling for their first child, do you now think that in your heart of hearts that you are doing it for yourself? nothing wrong in that. i didn't ttc No. 2 for ten years for my dd, i did it for me, because like most women, when she turned 2 my body longed for another child, someone else to love and mother. It would have been nice for her, or would it? My relationship with my sister has only ever been fraught and think that my life would have actually been alot nicer if i were without a sister, as miserable as that sounds it is the truth and she probably feels the same. Stop beating yourself up, rejoice in the fact that you have a child whilst many don't. I know your pain but be kinder to yourself and tbh, 3 years ttc isn't that long as it may well still happen. OP, the gap is in your life, not his. You are not wrong to long for another child but try not to let the longing take over and stop you enjoying what you have. I had years, literally of councelling, treatments, broken heart but dd is 12, very happy, doing great at school. I still have the ache etc but i don't think of myself as a failure (only sometimes.........) [flower] best of luck ttc, it could still happen and if it doesn't, you still have so much. If it helps, tell your dc that you are ttc, my dd knew, she even used to watch me self medicate!! she knows i did everything i could, i just have shite eggs as i was too old....

I just cannot believe that anyone can be so insensitive.

Oh they can - just as they can with making comments about the gender of your children. I know people with 3 or 4 boys who are constantly asked if they're going to try for a girl "to make their family complete". People with 4 kids who have people asking them if they know how babies happen wink wink nudge nudge People really do come out with all sorts of judgemental rot about the size and composition of people's familes.

Op: you are being a bit daft about this - I mean that in the nicest possible way.

It isn't a problem at all.

My brothers intensely dislike each other, always have done. There was no favouritism at all, they were treated equally by our parents, but they really don't get on.

My friend had one child, but there were loads of sleepovers and play dates.
Other kids loved going there.

Your DS doesn't need to be lonely.

Stop feeling sad and enjoy having one child.

I am an only child so is my husband. I grew up with two daughters of my mothers friend who are like sisters to me. I was very lucky to have them. However if I didn't have them I would of been fine too.
The reason I am an only child is my farther died when I young and my mother met anyone else.
My husband said he has no negative feelings about being an only child. In fact he says when he was growing up he felt sorry for friends who had annoying siblings. He was an only because of quite serious health problems when he was born and his parents felt they couldn't put another child through that.
I am currently pregnant with our first, she might be an only due to circumstances. I do not feel that I would be ruining her life if she was an only.
Sometimes these things happen, some people have one some people have multiples some people have none.
Its a personal choice, and I think you need to deal with your feelings about the situation so you don't pass them along to your son. Wanting another child and not being able to conceive must be very hard for you, but your son will be fine, he will make lots of friends.

Take joy in all the benefits of having an only child.
You never have to divide your attention.
One of my pleasures is that at 11 I still get to read her a bed time story, because I never had a smaller one who I needed to read to.
I never have to ask her to occupy a younger sibling to help me out.
We don't have to put away small fiddly things in case the younger sibling gets hold of them.
Everything we do on days out is age appropriate.
I could go on.
I have an illness that started when pregnant and if I become pregnant again could kill me or at best permanently disable me. On the day I was told this I took a long hard look at myself and said 'I have to take joy in what I have not mourn what I could have had'.
When I see my sister dividing herself between her three, I remind myself my DD gets the best of me every time.

I know it's easier said than done but as has already been said, don't beat yourself up about this. There is no guarantee that if your DS had a sibling he would have the relationship you dream he would have with a sibling.

For every only child wishing they had a sibling, I am sure there is someone with siblings wondering how their lives might have been different if they hadn't had siblings - I have a sibling and I don't get on with them, apart from when we were under 5, we have never got on. I am not saying I don't wish they exist but I do think my childhood, my relationship with my parents etc would have been much different if my parents had only had one child. The fact we didn't get on and spent much time arguing was a source of misery for everyone. In adulthood, I have tolerated my sibling for my parents but they are the most horrid selfish person I know and to be honest, I would be much happier if I could just cut them out. My DP has 1 sibling and they don't speak to each other.

I suppose what I am saying is a family and people's happiness doesn't turn on the number of people in that family but instead the personalities within it. Therefore you have no way of knowing whether your DS would be happier as an only child, with 1 sibling, or 22 siblings. Therefore the only thing you can do is try to enjoy the family you have, concentrate on having a wonderful DS than on something outside your control.

And yes I know people with siblings who have great relationships with their siblings but I also know 'onlys' who are very happy and had fantastic childhoods and don't wish they had a sibling. As long as you ensure he spends time with other children either through friends, or play groups etc, I am sure he will be fine

I've known several only children, and they never expressed regret that they didn't have a sibling. There were times when I was a kid when I wished I was an only child (my sister and I now get along better). Not all siblings get along, you know. I'm sure you could find several hundred examples right here on Mumsnet, if you wanted to.

Lots of people think it's bad for kids to be only children. Lots of people believe other wrong ideas, too.

"Lots of people have said or implied that ds will be adversely affected by being an only one 'oh what a shame for him' is a phrase I regularly hear."

As an only child myself and mum of an only child, I think the only appropriate answer to that is "fuck off and get over yourself" .

You DS will be fine. There may be things he 'misses out' on by virtue of being and only, just as there will be things children with siblings 'miss out' by virtue of having to share attention and resources with their brothers and sisters.

Of course you are perfectly entitled to feel sad that a second baby hasn't happened for you, but don't let it impact on your relationship with your lovely boy.

You sound very upset about your current lack of success in having a second child and understandably so, but I think that is having a highly negative impact on your view of what it is to be an only child.

There is no reason why your son shouldn't be happy and well adjusted.

My dh, dc and friends are much more influential in my happiness than my sibling. Dparents now both sadly deceased but again dh was much more of a support in dealing with that than sibling was.

I hope you manage to find a way of coping with your disappointment. Counselling may help. Wishing you all the best.

Are you the poster who hadn't put up Christmas decorations and wasn't going to celebrate because you couldn't have a proper family christmas with only one child? If you are please, please get some counselling because the only thing spoiling your sons childhood is not the lack of sibling but your behaviour!! I'm very sorry for your struggles but even more sorry for your poor son, he must really feel he's not good enough for you. If you're not that poster my apologies but please read and beware of becoming like that.

Oh please.

I haven't had a single negative comment on DD being an only child. The problem isn't with you or your DS, it's with the wankers you choose to be friends with if that is what they are saying.

I get that YOU are sad about it, but don't project those feelings into your child. My DD is quite happy to be an only (less a brief period when she was about 4/5, and she soon got over that when she realised that even with the best will in the world it would be another 3 years before she'd get any 'enjoyment' out of a sibling)....and you know what, of DDs 5 friends with siblings, only one ever want to play with her younger sibling, and the one with the older sister is forever being told how 'lame' and 'irritating' she is.

well said kundry great post

There is a lot of negativity towards only child I think. For example a TA in the school I work in was commenting on a child who is slightly 'odd' and struggles socially. She said to me 'I expect he's an only child.' Sadly he is so this confirmed her view.
I don't think ds is any less able to socialise or share than children with siblings, I still feel sorry for him though.

I'm an only child and I can honestly say I have never ever felt I have missed out on anything by not having a sibling. My dh is an only too and he feels the same.
My parents were great at helping me make friends and I had lots of trips and holidays where a friend or cousin came too.
My son will be an only child too and in no way do I feel I am depriving him - instead I can focus all my time and energy on him. We are a tight little triangle of 3.

I remember your previous threads and sharing is right. You really need some help to get you out of this black depressions, which will blight your son's childhood so much more than not having a sibling.

I'm really sorry things haven't improved for you these past few months.

Oh sweetheart I am so sorry you are going through the shit that is unsuccessful TTCing.

But - as others have said - please don't assume that a sibling is some great be all and end all for your DS. I don't get on at all well with my sibling, indeed I suspect in many ways we'd both have been happier as onlies. Sad perhaps but true.

So - you deserve sympathy for not having another child since you want one, but your DS doesn't need sympathy for not having a sibling, if that makes sense?

Do you suffer from anxiety because you have really catastrophised a relatively normal situation - being an only child.

My child is an only child of a single parent with no prospect of a sibling because I because too ill to go through the adoption process a second time and his cousins are all a minimum of 16 years older than him. His birth father is unknown and his birth mother left false information and disappeared, he spent the first year of his life institutionalised with no photos and few records in existance.

Thats what I'd consider a big gaping hole in his life - a loving pair of parents from birth with a happy, healthy life, not so much.

I think you should talk to someone about why you have this so out of proportion in your own mind.

This is your own issue, please don't project it on to your son. Of course he
won't lack skills, or blame you, or have his life ruined. Those are extreme reactions based entirely on your feelings and not his.

^^^ this, with bells on. What a crappy, insulting Op!!

im strugging to think of what skills ive mised out on by being a only child

OP my ds is likely to be an only too. And he will have no cousins. We are giving up trying for number 2 in April when I am 42. So I understand totally your worry about him being an only. But I think some of the best advice I had came from a mumsnetter who told me not to overthink this issue. And from reading posts about experiences of being an only the people who didn't like being an only had parents who made no effort to help them mix with other children. Those whose parents made sure they had plenty of opportunity to mix with other kids and took them to age appropriate activities enjoyed being an only child. And you know the most important relationship in my life is my husband and my son. Not my brother. I don't really have hardly any memories of playing with him and I strongly suspect we will lose touch completely once our mum dies. Lots of people who have siblings don't have particularly close relationships. And I know lots of impressive, strong and sociable people who are only children. I remember an old woman say once that she spent a lot of her life worrying about things that never happened. OP, our mission is to make sure that we don't become that old woman! We love our boys, we are going to be able to give them all our love and time and material resources. They will turn out great.

My DD is no longer an only child but she was for 13 years.

You know what? She's just fine, no gaping hole in her life - she has no cousins at all, similar age or otherwise, she didn't even go to nursery. She has still managed to learn all the necessary social skills to grow up to be a well adjusted young woman with lots of friends. She's well liked, successful, kind and empathetic, she's a peer mentor for younger children and volunteers part time for a charity on top of being busy doing her GCSEs at the moment.

Stop worrying. It's fine to feel sad for yourself that you're struggling to have another child but really it's only going to effect your current DC if you make it. Take the positives of having an only child instead (and there are plenty - time and money mostly) and concentrate on those.

I have had chronic depression, medication and counselling for years all because of my terrible relationship with my abusive sister. My life would have been infinitely better without her. Same goes for DH and his brother. There is nothing wrong at all with being an only child and many advantages. The only person devastated by lack of sibling is you, not your DS. He will thrive.

OP I have a brother I can't STAND. My life would have been much, much, much better without a sibling in it. Having a sibling does not guarantee that they will get on so you may have saved your DS from the same fate as me

Oh notmymuse you sound so sad and down. I totally get where you are coming from as we have unsuccessfully tried for over 7 years to give our 9yr dd a sibling. We have tried everything, IUI, IVF etc to no avail. We have unexplained secondary infertility which for me is a particularly hard pill to swallow as there is literally nothing that can be done to help us as there is technically nothing wrong with either of us.

I spent a lot of the time when dd was 3-7yrs old really focused on this elusive second baby and like you despite the fact that I was a SAHM and spent tonnes of time with dd and we did so much stuff with her, I felt in my head was a bit somewhere else. Over time I came to terms with it (sort of) and I found gradually it ceased to dominate and be so all consuming.

I went back to work and was very happy and challenged there. Dd was thriving and we were all happy. Then late last year I totally unexpectedly got pregnant - and surprised myself with the complete mix of emotions I went though. If you had asked me beforehand I would have said I would be elated and overjoyed. And I was, but also scared of upsetting the lovely balance we had worked so hard to achieve.

Sadly I lost the baby at 11.5wks and it was an all round utterly devastating experience. And it has raked up all the old feelings and longings again. Time is not on my side and I am nervous to try again.

I look at my beautiful, wonderful little dd and i fret that once dh and I are gone she will be all alone in the world. Totally irrational I know, but sometimes I feel it like a deadweight in my heart.

I try most days to focus on how lucky we are to have her, how she is the absolute light of our lives and how we shower her with love and attention and I hope that life will treat her kindly and that she will be ok.

But I do know where you are coming from. Unless you have been there and have had that choice taken away it is hard to know what it feels like. Hugs to you xx

Siblings can be over rated.
There will be things you can do with your 6 yr old that you would not be able to dovwith a 6 yr old and a baby, and in future your 10 yr old will be able to do things a 4 yr old can't tag along to.