To think whatever I do for ds it will never make up for being unable to give him a sibling?

[Notmymuse]

Sat here in tears again, I'm so so desperate for a second baby but we've tried naturally for three years and with assistance for two and it's not going to happen by the look of things.

Ds is 5 and I feel like we've missed out a lot of his childhood because we've been chasing this impossible baby. Yes we've done lots with him and I've taken him loads of places. At parent's evening his teacher said how knowledgable he is and you can tell he's had a lot of interaction and conversation with adults because his vocabulary is huge.
However I feel whatever I do for him and with him it will never make up for his lack of sibling. I feel like I've ruined his life. He's missing out on the most important relationship and he's never going to have that. I worry he will blame me when he's older. I try and let him have friends round and go to lots of clubs so he mixes well but it's not the same is it? He's not going to get the skills he'd have if he had a sibling.

Aibu to feel like no matter how hard I try it's all a bit futile? There will always be a big gaping hole in his life?

I don't know, I don't think it's ever going to work so we're just throwing good money after bad.

I think I've overcompensated with ds really. He has a million toys and is actually hopeless at playing on his own as I've played with him so much.

That imaginary playmate would be 5 years younger at least. So would NEVER be the perfect sibling that is IN YOUR HEAD.

I am really finding your attitudes fucking offensive. I don't know if I've read your other threads or not, probably, because as an only daughter of an only son with an only daughter myself, I tend to. I was 38 when she was born as well, so your crap about being "an older mother" is just as galling.

What does your husband think?

One other thing- please don't project all your misplaces hopes and aspirations for a perfect family onto that 5 yr old of yours. Let him be normal. Let him make his own friends. You don't need to indulge in imaginary play with him. That's what schools, friends, playdates and the hell that is the softplay centre were invented for.

Are you taking anything from the many, many only-child posters on this thread who are telling you that their childhoods were perfectly happy and contented without siblings? Or - and I don't mean this to sound mean, because your unhappiness is palpable - are you using everyone's disagreement as yet another stick to thrash yourself with? There's something masochistic about starting repeated threads which all end the same way.

I genuinely hope you can get help to stop this cycle of blame before your DS picks up on it. You keep saying he has no idea about your inner distress (I've read your other threads) but children are extremely perceptive, without the crucial perspective to understand it's not their fault.

I'm going to bang my head on this wall one more time then I'm off because people do have to want to help themselves not just indulge in a bit of misery posting. I'm not sure what you want people to say "you're right you are failing him totally, just go and get pregnant"?!

My decision to never have a birth child was enforced on me
My decision to not adopt a second when I became life threateningly ill was enforced on me
My single life was enforced on me
My giving up work because of illness was enforced upon me.

I'm sure any one of us could come up with a list of things that weren't our choice. My choice was to make the happiest possible life for DS and I, to have an open house where his friends are welcome, to be warm and welcoming to extended family and friends, to holiday with other friends or single parent families so he has plenty of people to play with.

I chose to be happy and make him happy, not bleat about how dreadful his life is. Because it isn't.

DS is the single child of a single parent with no father, a missing year of his life and an aging mother (I'm 50) - OP, you must think I'm the shittest parent ever on that basis and that he has a miserable life.

You're putting the sibling relationship on a wholly unrealistic pedestal.

My sister and I never played together that I can remember. We argued a lot, or went and did our own things.

The sibling you are picturing might not be interested in the same things as your DS. Your DS might not want to play with the sibling. Indeed it has been known for siblings to be pretty horrible to each other.

What you are describing is a friend, not a sibling.

I am sure your DS will have plenty of friends. Indeed maybe he'll have more due to being an only child, because you'll make more effort to arrange play dates and because you'll have the time and energy to do it.

I am worried that even if you do manage to have another child, you are going to be a bit disappointed by the reality of the sibling relationship compared with this glittering ideal you've built up in your head.

Agree totally with Wriggletto. I'm an only and perhaps thought occasionally what it wld have been like to have a sibling but that's all. People (adults!) used to say to me 'poor you, you must be a lonely only' when I was growing up, like it was an affliction or something! I had a great childhood, lots of friends and the bonus of quiet solitude when I wanted. I now have two DCs, boy and girl three years apart, and they fight like cat and dog! Best thing anyone has said to me on the subject is my BF. She has an only DD and told me she is sticking to one, cos after all, her BF (me) turned out alright!

Just wanted to say that I am an only child and it's 'normal' for me. You end up being happy with your own company. If you are always inviting other kids round, and he goes to clubs where he meets other kids, it'll be fine, especially if he socialises with kids of other ages. I have twins and they have nothing in common, in fact one hates the other. With siblings can come jealousy - no guarantees that they would be best mates.

I didn't have cousins nearby either but my parents were big churchgoers and I had lots of 'aunties' and friends in the church, so didn't feel that I missed out by not having a sibling.

I would suggest you look on this as 'different' rather than a failure.

His life would not be "better" if he had a sibling, it would be different...

As others have said, if you carry on like this it's you who is going to ruin his childhood, not the lack of a sibling.

My DD's best friend is one of 3 but the others are boys. She wants a sister.... Her and DD are like sisters. I call her my honorary DD as she goes so many places with us!

You seriously need counselling to work through this. On a different subject but I thought that my family life was over when XH left but counselling made me see that it wasn't, plus MN helped too.

I know you can't help the way you feel and people being harsh isnt going to change your feelings, but counselling will. If it is keeping you awake at night then please go to your doctor and sort something out. For your sanity and got your child's future.

*For your child's future

Another one with an only child who when she was older told me was better off not having siblings as all her friends just complained about theirs.

It does sound like you run the risk of turning your son into a stereotypical only child, overindulged and incapable of playing with other children.

I remember your previous threads too. I have a brother and a sister and I am practically no contact with them. We are very different people and have nothing in common. As a child, I had to share a room with my sister who was three years younger than me, and that was horrendous as a teen when I was trying to study.

You should cherish the one child you do have (a lot of people don't even have that) and be more grateful about what you have got instead of being so hung up on what you haven't got.

I have four brothers and don't get on with any of them. They would never be there for me in times of crisis or joy, just wouldn't care one way or another. What skills do you think I have that you think your DS will be lacking? Apart from an unhappy childhood and an adult life of seeing my siblings once a year (Christmas) when they all only live a couple of miles away. I'd love to know what I've gained from having siblings!

I'm an only child, and as somebody has said upthread, it's a bit offensive to suggest that my childhood, which was happy, loving and fulfilling, was in some way lacking or deficient. I love being an only child and always have. It's brilliant.

You're making this all about your existing child, and it's really not. I very much doubt that your ONLY motivation for having another baby was for him.

OP- At first, I was mildly offended (as an only child) at your first posting. But with each subsequent posting you make, I got more and more angry.

You moan about other people's attitude towards only children (which most of us have never heard, although I will accept it happens occasionally) but the person with the worst attitude towards only children is YOURS. You are projecting YOUR issues enormously onto your son which is completely unfair and if you carry on this way, any issues he has in later life are far more likely to be as a result of your attitudes and behaviour and not to do with not having a sibling who he may or may not get on with.

I strongly agree with other PPs that you need some proper counselling. Very strongly. In fact, I suggest you stop wasting any more time posting nonsense in here and make that phone call now. Clearly, none of us on here are getting through to you, no matter whether they have tried nicely and to some extent understood your feelings (but believe them to be extreme) or not.

Another one with an only child who when she was older told me was better off not having siblings as all her friends just complained about theirs.

Your DD is clearly more restrained than mine who has been telling us pretty much ever since she could speak that she would be most put out if siblings arrived !

Can I just mention I am an only child myself. I am an only child of an only child so I know exactly what it's like to grow up with no siblings and no cousins and I desperately did not want that for my own child.

I know you didn't. And most people didn't want an only, or we'd be in a world full of onlies. BUT. IF you cannot get pg, and you have tried and tried, I think you need to learn how to accept it, learn to focus on the positives, and just get on with things. We just don't always get what we want. Life is unfair. I do know though - I empathise completely, having been there. And as a pp pointed out, some people have it way worse, they really do. I fee for you so much. I hope you can find your peace. Be extra kind to yourself. xxx

I hate, loath and despise my sibling.

Being a single child can't be worse than being stuck in a family with someone you feel like that about.

I'm an only and have an only.

I do remember feeling a bit lonely in my teens but I don't think having a sibling would have helped - it was more about living away from my family in Liverpool where I had lots of older cousins who were lovely and I wanted to live closer to them. But it wasn't about siblings.

And I guess I was just shocked to discover in my late 20s / early 30s that I'm infertile. With no known health problems, regular cycles, normal hormone levels. It's inexplicable. I think actually I'd find it easier if I was older, as it is I should have around another ten years or so of being able to have babies and every month it's devastating all over again. Plus people keep asking me. If I was older maybe they wouldn't.

I'd be blunt with people who are ignorant enough to ask such insensitive questions, and if possible, not see them again.

OP - I am sorry, but it is ridiculous to think that, because you are an only child, you know how all only children think. And to assume your son will feel as you do.

He is a person. In his own right. He is not your duplicate. He may, as others on this thread have said they did, love being an only child. He may feel neutral about it.

I have one younger brother. Does that mean I know exactly how it is to grow up with a sibling? No. I know how it was for me to grow up with my sibling.

I really think you need proper, professional, help with this.

True but I know my ds and actually he craves company a lot more than I did. Although I always wanted a sibling I also liked my own time and was good at occupying myself. Ds is very very sociable and would have company all the time if he could.

I hate it when people say 'have you just one child?' because inevitably what follows is 'didn't you want anymore?'