To think whatever I do for ds it will never make up for being unable to give him a sibling?

[Notmymuse]

Sat here in tears again, I'm so so desperate for a second baby but we've tried naturally for three years and with assistance for two and it's not going to happen by the look of things.

Ds is 5 and I feel like we've missed out a lot of his childhood because we've been chasing this impossible baby. Yes we've done lots with him and I've taken him loads of places. At parent's evening his teacher said how knowledgable he is and you can tell he's had a lot of interaction and conversation with adults because his vocabulary is huge.
However I feel whatever I do for him and with him it will never make up for his lack of sibling. I feel like I've ruined his life. He's missing out on the most important relationship and he's never going to have that. I worry he will blame me when he's older. I try and let him have friends round and go to lots of clubs so he mixes well but it's not the same is it? He's not going to get the skills he'd have if he had a sibling.

Aibu to feel like no matter how hard I try it's all a bit futile? There will always be a big gaping hole in his life?

I should add that I have 6 friends who were only children. One of them disliked it, the others were completely happy with it and "never missed what they didn't have".

Sounds like you have a lovely son. The phrase "important relationship" made me a bit sad thinking about the lack of relationship I have with my sister - we don't not get on iyswim but she makes no effort and I haven't seen her for over a year.

I've also seen my PIL ignore their elderly parents and leave all care to their siblings. They are the most self centred people I've ever met. In the seven years I've been with DH I've spent more time with his elderly grandparents (in their 90's)than his parents have - they seem to think biannual visits are fine and don't bother with visiting them if they are ill in hospital as it is too upsetting for them!

DS would love a sibling. He is 8, and an ivf baby. It would be nothing short of miraculous if that happened naturally now.

We live our lives around him being an only.
He goes to a small local school, with some children he was at nursery with.
I have outings with him and all of the boys in his class over the year ( there are less than 15, so every school holiday i take him and 3 others out eg cinema, adventure playground, etc).
We plan for him to go to secondary school within walking distance with other children from his school.
I facilitate friendships with children he has got on with outside of school eg swimming.

We will be able to support him financially if he goes to university. We are able to afford for him to do any activity that he might want to do, which mightn't be the case for more than one child.

A few years ago I was desperately sad about not having another. Now I think I am more at peace with it.

I'm an only child. It's not too bad! As long as you make sure he gets friends round to play regularly then all will be fine. Also he won't know any different.

I bet you didn't have fertility issues with your first child. We did, for years. It would be a miracle if DS doesn't end up an only child, but we are fine about it. Lots of people with children his age are having their second now and while I think it might be nice I can see the massive positives of not having another. Having been through the fertility/miscarriage rollercoaster we certainly wouldn't have medical assistance to have another, it's not worth the impact on us or DS.

I'm derailing slightly, but an interesting (well, I thought so anyway) observation on the kind of prejudice you often see against one-child families: I've always been adamant that I'm stopping at one. Quite a few times now when I've told a story about DS now that's portrayed him in a less than positive light, people have commented "Oh, it's an only child thing isn't it?" as if he's a different species.

What's odd is that often these people only have one child themselves, but are planning to have a second. When I point out that DS is barely 3, and many first-born are 'only children' at that age, I just get blank looks. What can you do.

I'm an only child.

I'm independent, confident and at ease talking to people very senior to me at work (think CEOs/CFOs of FTSE 100 businesses); due in large part to my social interactions being with adults when I was younger I strongly believe. I relish public speaking for the same reason, have high self esteem (can you tell? and actively enjoy my own company despite being a massive extrovert.

DH is one of a multiple birth, with other siblings too, including step siblings. He has, fallen out with every sibling to the point where he has gone no contact with them for several years at various points. Having siblings has actively been A Bad Thing for him at times and been a cause of enormous stress.

Don't think that siblings necessarily lighten the load of elderly relatives either. DM's brother fucked off to Australia years ago, leaving her to look after both their mother and father in old age and then acted like an utter cock tying to throw his weight around during the funeral arrangements and handling of the estate

You are projecting hugely, especially with other people's remarks upsetting you so much. Your DS's experience of being an only is very unlikely to be the same as yours.

There is a lot of negativity towards only child I think. For example a TA in the school I work in was commenting on a child who is slightly 'odd' and struggles socially. She said to me 'I expect he's an only child.' Sadly he is so this confirmed her view.
I don't think ds is any less able to socialise or share than children with siblings, I still feel sorry for him though.

You take on board all the negative comments, but you haven't responded to the many positive ones you've been given here.

Your pain at not (yet) having a second child is strong, but it's your pain. Your child is just living his life as he has always known it. Don't put your pain on him.

As with all things, being an only has advantages and disadvantages.

My DH is an only and I am the eldest by such a long way I was essentially an only. And it was great in a number of ways:

• DH and I have both done very well academically, parental input I'm sure was a part of this, and also the freedom to pursue our interests.
• DH and I have always had very close friends, we made a real effort with friendships because they in some way were in place of siblings (I think it's nonsense that being an only child is a social disadvantage, it was an advantage for us as we needed to quickly develop the skills of attracting people to play with).
• DH and I are very close to our parents.

However, DH and I were determined to have more than one child if possible. For DH it was because of the pressure he feels as an only child - his parents' obsession with him has always been a anxiety-inducing and he has always wished he had siblings to water it down a bit (we are their only family and their constant desire for interaction is pretty oppressive). Also, now his parents are elderly and increasingly infirm it's difficult, we are solely responsible for them. For me I just prefer the feeling, the buzz, the fun, of a large family (my parents had a couple more kids a decade after me) - when I'm with DH's family at christmas for example it just never feels very celebratory, it feels very intense and I feel very exposed. For me having siblings is the knowledge that there are 2 more people in this world who love me unconditionally.

The thing is, you can have a wonderfully happy family and raise a wonderfully happy only child as long as you decide to put away your regrets. I genuinely think that despite the pain of secondary infertility you can decide to be happy, and that it is to a large degree a decision (I realise that this may be controversial, and I have not suffered infertility, however I had to make a similar decision to let pain go in my life and look forward and it was a real mental discipline but possible). Celebrate the good stuff about having an only, play on those strengths. Equally, don't ignore the stuff that can make being an only child difficult, I would say you should think about whether it'll be an issue for your family and how you can mitigate against it. May 2015 be a year where your family flourishes.

My DD7 is an only child and we make up for her not having a sibling by having sleep overs with her friends and sometimes taking them out with us when we go out for the day. It seems to work? Don't feel bad about it for your son, he must love having you all to himself. Just encourage his friendships.

I was/am an only child. Never missed having a sibling. It meant I got loads of attention from my parents, they could put me through a very good education even though they had limited resources etc. And I didn't turn out to be a spoiled brat.
Also, looking at my friends, only two of them have really close relationships with their siblings. Most just don't have that much in common when it comes to every day stuff, others don't get on so well. And most of them didn't get along while they were growing up.
DP and I are thinking about starting a family and we are probably going to stick to one as we don't really want a big family/ don't have the energy for it. Nothing wrong with that.
And as to the people saying those things to you, well, they're ignorant twats. Ignore them. Idiots.

I have one baby dd and I don't want anymore. I decide quite a while ago that I only wanted one and dp feels the same. I'm sick of having to defend this choice. In my view, having a child purely to be companion to your first is pretty damn unfair on the second born.

There are pros and cons to both, I have felt guilty in the past for DS being an only (through our choice) but now that he is going to have a DB (unplanned) I also feel guilty that I won't be able to focus all my attention on him anymore!! I grew up with no siblings as a child and have a sister much younger than me, therefore we both grew up essentially as only children, I took on a more parental role when she was smaller than a sibling relationship and neither of us feel like we missed out. It is nice now that we are older to have each other but you don't miss what you have never had.

Pros of being an only -
Happy in your own company
Can relate well to adults (this helps a lot as an adult as you can often relate to people of all ages)
No sibling dramas
Often form stronger friendships as no playmates at home to rely on

I do feel for you.

But you have your lovely Ds. Our Ds gained hugely from his childminders and they children they looked after, we deliberately sent him there so he would learn Gf wasn't the only pebble on the beach.
He was desperate for s sibling at various points, we are old parents. But we have a good relationship with him, and recently we got s dog, he'd been wanting one for years. He is overjoyed. Dog has brought a lot if love into the house as well as muddy paws.

He won't know what's it like to have a sibling, so he probably won't give a shit about being an only child, unless people (that means both you and the people banging out about how unfortunate he is) continue making it an issue.

I'm an only with an only. I loved it, and so does he. The only thing your child is missing out on at the minute is a healthy relationship with you. Did you really cancel Christmas?!

Oh and my mum was one of ten. When her father was dying she did all his home care, the other nine siblings were utterly useless.

Umm...the most important relationship your 5 year old has is with you. And they have that.

When they grow up, it will be their partner who is most important to them, not their potential sibling.

What does your son think about it? I was unhappy as an only child, but I always used to ask for a sibling and complain about being lonely.
Some people love being only children! If he seems happy then he probably is. Lots of families have one child by choice nowadays, I'm sure he isn't the only one in his class.
And although I disliked being an only child it certainly had it's advantages, I never had to miss out on sports classes or music classes, although we didn't have much money, as there was only one child to budget for.
My mother had repeated miscarriages, which I was unaware of at the time, so I wish I had not been so vocal about wanting a sibling! The doctors eventually discovered what was wrong with her fertilty-wise and she had my brother when I was ten, so don't give up hope!
I now have three younger siblings, I'm 18 years older than the youngest

Whilst initially I had some sympathy for your obvious sadness and desperation to have another child, the more I read, the less I have.

You talk a lot about people's attitudes to only children. Have you examined your own? As others have said, you are massively projecting your issues onto the child you do have. He probably will hate being an only child, because of the attitude you have to them.

Read ^^ what all these lovely people have to say about only children.

You actually come across as quite unpleasant towards only children and more than a little self-centred.

And for god's sake, stop with the "what if he never marries?" stuff.

What if he doesn't?

What if he fathers 9 kids with 9 different women?

What if he decides kids aren't for him?

What if he catches the next plane to Australia and never comes back?

He will have friends and he will (hopefully) be allowed to lead his own life. It will be up to him, with whom, when, how many, and where.

Have you posted about this before?
If you're the poster who keep posting obsessively about how your son's life is ruined by being an only then go get psychological help.

If you aren't that person then you are completely wrong and need to toughen up. I am a single parent to an only child and his father and I raise him slightly unconventionally. If I allowed myself to hear people's judgements or criticisms of my parenting choices I might start doubting myself but because I'm confident that DS is being brought up as well as we can I don't allow it to enter my mind.
Everybody's parenting is open to judgement in one way or another. It doesn't matter.
And being an only is not damaging. Being obsessed with trying to have another baby to the detriment of your existing child might be.

Please don't eat yourself up about this, you have done all you possibly can up to this point. Just had to add to the thread and share the experience of two friends of mine. One had been trying to conceive for 12 YEARS - she would track her ovulation each month, was taking clomid and all kinds, it was all she thought about and the feelings of guilt and failing consumed her. Eventually she resigned herself to the fact that it just wasn't meant to be for her.... She now has a 2 year old son!

My other friend got told that if she didn't have children before the age of 18, she would be extremely unlikely to be able to have children. She was in no position to have children at that point but eventually found someone and got married. At the age of 30 she had her son.

Miracles do happen op and right now you have a son with a mum who clearly adores him and will do everything she can to make him happy. He's lucky already, just in a different way.

As lots of others have said, a sibling relationship is certainly not the most important relationship of his life. Those are a firm attachment to primary carer when he is little, and hopefully a partner when he is an adult.

When we started out on this parenthood thing I thought the ideal was at least 2 children with about a 2 year gap but now see how blinkered that was - it was just what I was used to. 4 or 8 years are just as good,but just in different ways. Ditto no siblings. I was firmly in the camp of wanting 2 but seeing my DD's only child friends having so much more attention and calm really made me doubt that decision. There are pluses and minuses to every family set-up.

Grieve for YOUR much longed-for baby. You must be absolutely distraught not to have this baby you want so much and would love so fiercely. But please don't beat yourself up with guilt for DS, of course you can give him a happy and fulfilled childhood and he will be fine, just fine. I am a bit worried you are not acknowledging your own grief but turning it instead into guilt for DS somehow?