To think whatever I do for ds it will never make up for being unable to give him a sibling?

[Notmymuse]

Sat here in tears again, I'm so so desperate for a second baby but we've tried naturally for three years and with assistance for two and it's not going to happen by the look of things.

Ds is 5 and I feel like we've missed out a lot of his childhood because we've been chasing this impossible baby. Yes we've done lots with him and I've taken him loads of places. At parent's evening his teacher said how knowledgable he is and you can tell he's had a lot of interaction and conversation with adults because his vocabulary is huge.
However I feel whatever I do for him and with him it will never make up for his lack of sibling. I feel like I've ruined his life. He's missing out on the most important relationship and he's never going to have that. I worry he will blame me when he's older. I try and let him have friends round and go to lots of clubs so he mixes well but it's not the same is it? He's not going to get the skills he'd have if he had a sibling.

Aibu to feel like no matter how hard I try it's all a bit futile? There will always be a big gaping hole in his life?

The 'most important relationshop' is the one he has with you. I am an only child as is my beloved dgd. I occasionally fantasised about having a sibling but I was happy and loved. Dgd is 15 now with loads of friends and a great relationship with her parents who chose to have only one child.

I think it's the same poster Ehric :(

OP - you said you were going to go to see your GP after your last thread. Did you ever go? Because you can keep posting thread after thread like this and they won't change anything - people aren't going to support you in your attitude towards your son which is bordering on cruel. You need to change

You need to see your GP and/or seek some counselling to deal with the grief of not being able to conceive again. Totally understandable and nothing to be ashamed of.

However, your son will be less affected by not having a sibling than he will be by being the focus of your guilt throughout his childhood (sorry to sound harsh, you no doubt love him loads). He seems like a bright, happy boy and you're facilitating him having friends around, and participating in social activities. He'll gain lots of the same skills as having a sibling (sharing, negotiating etc) from all these things. He'll also benefit loads from the 1-1 attention you can give him the rest of the time, the ability to do lots of activities aimed specifically at him and his age (invite a friend along if you want) plus no doubt greater financial support if it's not having to be shared amongst siblings. Once he's at school, they work in groups, play in the playground, and will again learn lots of similar skills to having a sibling at home.

Siblings don't always get on, agree on the big decisions (i.e. elderly parent care) or indeed even live on the same continent. There's no guarantees in life, all you can do is give your son a lovely, secure childhood and hope that leads to a lovely adult life full of friends, maybe a partner, maybe children, but mostly happiness.

I hope you're able to get the help you need to enjoy your son and your life fully.

Agree completely with thegreylady - the 'most important relationship' he has will be with you and your DH. Not with a sibling. Please don't let your own misplaced grief for children you haven't had turn that wonderful, precious relationship into one where the child you do have is reminded constantly that he's not enough. As far as he's concerned, you're all he needs.

You absolutely need to really try to stop the negativity.
I only ever wanted one child. Everyone knew this. Not once did I hear anything negative.
My gorgeous DD is 17 YO now.
She was a horrible teen like many others but she's great now.
She's glad most of the time she is an only child. Has her own car etc....
There a pros and cons to both.

But TBH your OP is very insulting to all the people who have chosen to only have one child and of course to those who can only have one child and even more insulting to those who just can't have children at all.

There is NOTHING wrong having or being an only child.

Yabu. But are understandably upset, maybe better not in AIBU? Many have one, many none, many too many. Often regrets with all pf these options. As you know, parenting not easy, sibling rivalry can be horrendous and the bond between them not guaranteed. Don't waste your time on regrets. Get on wiyh your life.

OP. I understand how you are feeling, I went through the guilt for a while at DD being an only child. I was 36 when I had her and suffered agonising SPD and was advised by my consultant not to have another one.

I said to my mum, but she will grow up now with old parents, old grandparents, no sibling, no family....... and my mum said, but she will meet somebody and have her own family..... she has lots of extended family, cousins etc.....

I know of more than one family who have an ageing parent who needs care and it doesn't seem to matter how many siblings there are, it always seems to fall on one to do the care as the others are too busy/working/have kids/whatever... so being 1/2 or 1/3 etc does not always mean that the care burden is shared.

I have a friend who cannot conceive her second.... I said be thankful that you have one, I know of two women who dearly wanted children and for medical reasons were unable to conceive. But I also said to her, that I understand that her problem is very valid to her and people saying to her "think yourself lucky you have one" is not going to just snap her out of it.

I have a DB. We get on ok and he has been very supportive since my marriage broke up and would do anything for me, but we are not particularly close, we don't hang out together.

I would have loved a sister, but never got one. DD would have loved a sister. But she has plenty of friends and if we go for days out, I usually take a friend with us, so that she has somebody to play with.

As it turns out , now my DD aged 7, has now got a sister, thanks to XH and his much younger girlfriend. But there will be a 7 year age gap and she will only see her every three weeks. So she has got what she always wanted, but still won't have that sister to play with all the time.

As a single child, DD is sociable, makes friends quite easily, has a great imagination and is happy to play on her own.

As for people saying "what a shame" - just tell them to fuck off. or more politely you could say, "well it wasn't by choice". and just leave it at that. When people asked me in my early 30's why I wasn't pregnant, I used to tell them that I didn't think I could have kids. They soon shut up then.

I agree that some counselling would be a good idea as well, to talk it through and reconcile yourself to it.

Obviously there is no guarantee of a sibling relationship being positive or lasting into adulthood but I do understand why you value it so much. My sister is also my best friend and potentially the most important person in the world to me (I have no partner and it's a toss up between her and my kids!) So far, I love seeing the relationship between my own children too.

If you really want another child, have you considered adoption? That could have the added bonus of closing the age gap between your DS and the second child as you could adopt a toddler.

I think an only child is likely better off, they get all the attention, help with school, activities. They are im sure better off than say being one of 5, close in age children.
We have been lucky successful twice with ivf, but we wouldnt have kept going much longer for dc2 as its so expensive, exhausting, time consuming and upsetting. Plus we wouldnt want a gap bigger than the 3 yrs we will have, as i think we'd miss out on any of them playing together.
The choice with ivf is difficult anyway as you are likely chancing twins, and that would affect dc1 quite a bit for a few yrs.
If you want the dc as a sibling why not try donor embryo/egg/sperm?
I have 1 dsis, who has lived about for the last 15yrs and likely may not come back here. We were in different secondary schools, so at same school maybe 7 yrs. and with nearly 4 yrs gap possibly didnt play together all that much.
Of course as well being dc2 its difficult as someone has already done things better/faster, is better behaved. The sibling relationship is best fun for the oldest, they play with the younger when they want to.
Dh doesnt see much of his sister, they dont dislike each other but are very different.

Of course there is always the possibility of illness/disability withbanother child and how that would affect dc1, they may never be able to play together anyway.
You seem to be rose tinting the good aspects of siblings and ignoring the downsides.

manic - unless the OP seeks help for her anxiety/negativity I think there is a snowballs chance in hell that she would either:
a) survive a home study
b) get approved
c) be able to deal with the additional needs that any adopted child will have.

Maybe if she can address the real issue (whatever it is) adoption could be an option in the future but if you look at my earlier post you will see that an adopted child has a real tangible "big gaping hole in his life" which I can't imagine the OP being in a position to help a child deal with.

Incidentally my brother hasn't spoken to anyone in our family for nearly two years, during which my grandmother has died (he didn't attend the funeral) and my mother (in recovery from cancer) has been hospitalised. He performs no function as a sibling. My best friend on the other hand has visited, been supportive, sends my mum Xmas cards and comes on holiday with us occasionally.

You know, of course, that there are plenty of childless women who would love to be in your position. I think you need grief counselling. For your family's benefit and your own, you need to move away from this cycle of thinking. I'm one of 3. I have an only whose cousins are all adults. I can see both sides. Focus on the future and the fun your ds needs to have with friends, with new interests and experiences. He needs you to be focused on helping him find his way.

Oh, sorry, I didn't realise OP suffers from anxiety. I have 'failure to read the whole thread' syndrome!

to be fair manic I'm sure she agrees that she suffers from anxiety! But whatever the cause her attitude is not well grounded in reality and would picked up by a social worker very very quickly and of course her attitude isn't conducive to parenting a child with real issues.

Of course people with anxiety can adopt but they need to have worked through how this will work when adding a child who needs extra support into the mix.

I'm NOT sure she agrees!

OP, I'm pretty sure this is the third or fourth thread I have read from you on the same subject and all with the same tone. Every time people give the same advice which you are clearly continually ignoring. You need some counselling or help from your GP and in the nicest possible way you need to get a grip because if you don't your son's life will be affected.
I have no idea how difficult it must be for you and I have a lot of sympathy for you but I have more for your son and you really need to get some help asap and stop projecting your disappointment onto him.

Ds thinks all is fine. He says he has 'the best life ever' and he loves his family.
I just can't help thinking when he's older that's basically going to amount to having no family and he might not be so happy then. I play with him loads but feel I'm a poor substitute for a sibling. I'm not good at imaginary play that kids do. I try my best but I know it isn't quite right. I just picture him with a sibling and can see how much happier he'd be.

OP you need to get some help, these aren't normal thoughts
The only thing that will ruin him is you being obsessive over him having a sibling, so busy with that - your son is RIGHT THERE now. You need to parent him as he is
I'm an only child, my twin died at birth. Never known any different, it hasn't ruined my life, there are thousands of only children out there
Seriously you need to go to your GP and ask for help

I am believe me I am!
But it does keep me awake at night. And yes he's happy now but that's because he doesn't know how much better his childhood would have been with a playmate. Children always think their family is great even if it isn't.

I really think you need to think about some help for how you are feeling. It is totally normal to feel destroyed by secondary infertility, but what you are saying about your son simply isn't true.

You say you feel you've missed out on a lot chasing after a second, but your son is only 5. You've masses of time left to enjoy a magical childhood together (and I am sure you have already). But you need to get help to get past your feelings of guilt. Or it's going to eat up the joy you can have with your son.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Not one size or shape is the best. All that matters is lots of love.

Don't analyse the future. Not all siblings are close when they are older. And as for cousins, I've not seen mine for years. Equally he could marry/become the partner of someone with nine siblings and be overrun (and secretly relieved for the calm of his own upbringing).

Do you want a second child because you want to increase your family ? Or because you feel you "ought" to provide a sibling for DS?

Well both really. My family feels half finished.

And I'm not suggesting all families with only one child aren't finished but because it wasn't a choice, it was enforced upon me, that's how it feels to me.

Not read the other replies, but I don't think you have ruined his life and I don't think sibling relationships are the most important relationship. I think parents are the most important relationship with the child and they are the ones with the potential to ruin a child's life or not and this is not related to whether they provide a sibling. Plenty of fucked up kids with siblings due to poor parenting and plenty of happy well balanced kids without a sib. You sound like a good parent who will have one of the happy well balanced kids. As an adult the most important relationship will be with his own family.

Have you finished fertility treatment? If so, now is really the time to sort out counselling and try to move on. The way you are feeling is not normal. It wasn't my choice to have only one child, or to have him at the age I did. I don't feel like my family is half complete or that I have destroyed his life. We are a family and we are very very lucky to have that one child. You're allowing an unfortunate but fairly normal situation to have an unnecessarily negative effect on you.