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Original poster

to be a bit ragey about people's off list gifts

252 replies

DuchessofCuntbridge · 02/03/2015 11:44

Many, many weddings to go to this year. Many gripes have I about these events, but I am trying to be good and less complainy about all the faff, money and time I am expected to dish out.

But this one... I want to know how ridiculous I am being.

All wedding invitations this year came with gift lists. Fine. I have logged onto the lists, selected an appropriately priced and looking gift for each and bought it. None of these gifts have been particulartly exciting, but Bs and Gs have selected them from such naice shops as John Lewis and so I have bought them as requested.

But this weekend I went to collect DH from a friend's where they had been watching the rugby. I was informed by that friend (very very smugly) that they had gone "off list" for their gifts of a couple of these weddings, having had AMAZING ideas. He wouldn't tell us what they are getting (even though we have already bought gifts so hardly likely to copy ffs) and just got smugger about how Bs and Gs were going to LOVE their gifts.

I didn't even know that you could go "off list"?!

I am a bit miffed really... (i) I didn't realise its such a competition, (ii) I didn't know that I could have gone and bought something better (IMO) than what was on the list as I thought you HAD to buy from the list and (iii) I feel like it takes away from everyone else's gifts for some people to just trample on the list and start buying other things which they want to wow the Bs and Gs.

I know I know, I am ridiculous. But I felt very cats bum face about the smugness!!!

OP posts:
YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 03/03/2015 19:39

Do you mind saying which tradition/culture you are talking about btw, limited?

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 19:46

Do you mind saying which tradition/culture you are talking about btw, limited?

No I don't mind at all YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually

I am English born second generation Irish catholic.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 03/03/2015 19:48

I would really like to know what these people did to raise your ire.

In fact, after attending the wedding one couple sheepishly sent a present afterwards with a bit of an excuse in the card saying it had got lost in the post. I was far too polite to do anything but send a letter back thanking them for their belated present.

lolbeansansalad · 03/03/2015 19:51

We were pretty lucky as all the off list stuff we got was nice - some crystal wine glasses, beautiful champagne flutes which are just for very special occasions, a memory box - not my kind of thing really but I did chuck weddingy bits and bobs in it so it was a good gift. Only thing that we haven't used is a big wooden crisp and dip dish but probably will at some point. Personally I wouldn't go off list though, I like buying from lists as I can shop and send a nice message to B&G from my sofa :)

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 20:00

after attending the wedding one couple sheepishly sent a present afterwards with a bit of an excuse in the card saying it had got lost in the post. I was far too polite to do anything but send a letter back thanking them for their belated present

I wasn't ireful for them GoodbyeToAllOfThat

I was sad that they didn't get it the first time. But they redeemed themselves by sending a present and a letter.

Better luck next time.

QTPie · 03/03/2015 20:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 03/03/2015 20:05

All this angst over wedding presents! You host a wedding for your benefit. Yes, your guests get to have a lovely time/a free meal etc etc, but essentially the wedding, and the party is for you. If they buy you a present then that's fabulous. If it's off your list, great. If it's not, surprises can be lovely. If they give you money, also great.

There's nothing more to it, surely?

miniavenger · 03/03/2015 20:08

limitedperiodonly

miniavenger Do you watch The Walking Dead?

Oh yes, love it

Do you often wonder what you'd do it you were trapped in an apocalyptic nightmare and frequently showered in zombie guts?

Way too frequently, I also have several survival plans :)

Do you also wonder about the best detergent for getting the bloodstains out and making your whites sparkling bright?

Hmm not that one but I dream of raiding stores for new clothes

If so, join us on Telly Addicts.

Oh where's that?

Confronting zombies in the wild would be preferable to meeting them at a wedding reception.

At a wedding reception you can hide and leave the slower guests to slow them down, that's one good thing :)

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 20:09

There's nothing more to it, surely?

Yes, there is

fredfredgeorgejnr · 03/03/2015 20:10

I bought my sister garden chairs for her wedding present I think (my memory isn't great, but I think that was right), she bought me nothing for mine it's what we wanted. She might've wanted a big crystal bowl, but I wouldn't've known which big crystal bowl without asking her so to buy something she would either have to live with a long time or get rid of is crazy, even if she liked it, would she not have loved one she chose herself?

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 03/03/2015 20:10

limited I can see you're determined to remain oblique, viz "the first time" - what's that? I doubt there was much to be redeemed.

CPtart · 03/03/2015 20:19

Most people chose from our wedding list which was great. My Uncle decided to go off list and bought us a huge wicker picnic hamper. Lovely, very generous. But it sat unused in the garage for 3 years until we consigned it to Ebay

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 20:19

Miniavenger join us on Telly Addicts.

The thread is closing fast because it's getting to 1000 posts. It's called Tainted Meat but someone will start another.

You seem to have skills.

See you there Wink.

evelynj · 03/03/2015 20:28

My bro is getting married in 2 weeks & I'm 'going off list!'

Didn't know it was a thing until now but their home will be an old farmhouse. I may look for something antiquey for the garden but have decided to buy them a cherry blossom tree for the garden-it's personal, hopefully will last a long time & be enjoyed without being in their face or needing stored. They're not skint, have all they need & basically made a list for the older people that like a list. I will gift them a little money too but the money gifts just kind of get absorbed & I like something with a story to it.

So there ;)

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 20:42

I can see you're determined to remain oblique, viz "the first time" - what's that? I doubt there was much to be redeemed.t?

Eh? What? Guests who partake of the celebrations but do not give presents are deeply disrespectful.

In my world, no one attends a wedding expecting to pay for any of their food and drink.

But they do not attend without a generous present for the happy couple.

If you don't want to do that, you don't come.

marshmallowpies · 03/03/2015 20:44

Evelyn a cherry tree is a lovely present - I'd always be happy to receive gardening related presents and luckily lots of my family know I love gardening. Garden centre vouchers are never a bad present in my house!

But I bought my brother an apple tree for a significant birthday, choosing a variety I knew he liked - he was thrilled BUT guess what? SIL doesn't like that variety of apple, so DB asked whether he could swap it for something else that they both liked.

Luckily I had kept the receipt and he was able to change it, but it just goes to show, choosing a present with someone specific in mind doesn't always please everyone...

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 03/03/2015 20:44

Limited the guests that you're bitching about gave a gift, they sent it after the wedding. Which is absolutely fine.

Bodicea · 03/03/2015 20:48

I always go by the list unless it is a very close friend. In that case I buy something more personal/keepsakey.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 03/03/2015 20:49

Do you like the guests you're bitching about limited? Do you only invite people you know can afford a 'generous' gift? Some of our friends are skint. We were grateful they bought anything at all.

If your parents are forking out for your wedding, surely they're the ones who deserve the gifts?

Custardcream14 · 03/03/2015 20:50

I don't think I could bring myself to ever make a list, it just seems so rude

BackforGood · 03/03/2015 21:05

It's not rude though CustardCream.
In the UK, culture / etiquette / whatever you want to call it has it that when someone invites to to a celebration party, you take along a gift of some sort. So if you are inviting 80 odd people to your wedding, you know it's pretty likely that you will get 40 odd presents (allowing for a lot of people being couples). IME most people would want to get something the recipients would actually want (or need), rather than duplicating the same item perhaps 4 or 5 times over - I mean, nobody needs 4 toasters, do they? Therefore, it makes sense to have a list available for those who want to get you something you actually need/want to a) avoid duplication b) give them the chance for once in their life to have a matching set of a dinner service (for example) which they will have for the rest of their lives and lovingly remember all the people that bought them a piece of it to start their lives together.

Custardcream14 · 03/03/2015 21:15

I know, but it makes the assumption you should receive a gift. I'd say 20% of my sisters guests didn't bring a gift, they did do a list but only 5 people bought from it (me included!)

PurdeyBirdie · 03/03/2015 21:16

Limited, what do you call 'generous'? How much does 'generous' cost?

WayfaringStranger · 03/03/2015 21:22

Expecting a gift? Fine, as it is the cultural norm. Expecting a "generous" gift? Grabby!

Pico2 · 03/03/2015 21:44

Limited - do you only mix with people from the same background (which would seem a little sad to me)? Otherwise how would your guests know your traditions?