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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit ragey about people's off list gifts

252 replies

DuchessofCuntbridge · 02/03/2015 11:44

Many, many weddings to go to this year. Many gripes have I about these events, but I am trying to be good and less complainy about all the faff, money and time I am expected to dish out.

But this one... I want to know how ridiculous I am being.

All wedding invitations this year came with gift lists. Fine. I have logged onto the lists, selected an appropriately priced and looking gift for each and bought it. None of these gifts have been particulartly exciting, but Bs and Gs have selected them from such naice shops as John Lewis and so I have bought them as requested.

But this weekend I went to collect DH from a friend's where they had been watching the rugby. I was informed by that friend (very very smugly) that they had gone "off list" for their gifts of a couple of these weddings, having had AMAZING ideas. He wouldn't tell us what they are getting (even though we have already bought gifts so hardly likely to copy ffs) and just got smugger about how Bs and Gs were going to LOVE their gifts.

I didn't even know that you could go "off list"?!

I am a bit miffed really... (i) I didn't realise its such a competition, (ii) I didn't know that I could have gone and bought something better (IMO) than what was on the list as I thought you HAD to buy from the list and (iii) I feel like it takes away from everyone else's gifts for some people to just trample on the list and start buying other things which they want to wow the Bs and Gs.

I know I know, I am ridiculous. But I felt very cats bum face about the smugness!!!

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 03/03/2015 16:12

I think that gratitude is the only appropriate response to a wedding gift.

And I think you'll find that the vast majority of people have said that they are grateful for the sentiment behind the gift if not the gift itself. Gratitude is the only response the gift giver gets.

All this "bridezilla" crap is nonsense. My XH was as bemused as I was at some of the Off List gifts and he didn't use them either.

SoupDragon · 03/03/2015 16:16

One of our "off list" gifts was a silver bowl. The only thing it's been used for since 1997 is when the Cubs were doing some kind of "home help" type badge and needed tarnished silver things to polish. It went back into the cupboard where it is no doubt tarnished again.

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 16:17

I also have set of cheese knives like the one on the right.

They are absolutely beautiful, really sharp and the handle is perfectly curved to fit into your hand.

But the only cheese I ever eat is a block of Sainsbury's cheddar that I grate into my beans on toast.

I do like opening their presentation box and looking at them though. And I am very grateful for the present.

I wondered if they'd make handy close range weapons in the event of a zombie attack, but though the sharpness and two-pronged spike is there, you'd have to reverse the grip which would be a disaster in a crisis.

I'm going to stick to the Sabatier carving knives and cleavers that were on my list and bought by a generous soul.

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 16:21

I think that gratitude is the only appropriate response to a wedding gift.

Then you have limited imagination because I can think of a number of others without even breaking a sweat.

crocodiledundeelady · 03/03/2015 16:22

I don't think everyone is exuding gratitude tbh. Plenty of people have said that buying off list is selfish and smug. Or that they're probably regifting. Lots of people have said off list stuff goes straight to charity. One person said they would consider not buying thank you cards for off listers.

ToffeeCaramel · 03/03/2015 16:22

You could sell them? Only if you ever got bored of looking at them and appreciating the sentiment of course!

ToffeeCaramel · 03/03/2015 16:23

The cheese knives I mean.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 03/03/2015 16:24

The only response to a freely given gift is gratitude, as long as it's completely fine for you to sell it, throw it in the bin, or do whatever else you want with it.

Unfortunately many gifts are really not gifts but obligations - to host a dinner party and provide cheese so the fancy knives can be used, to become a juice fiend, to frame and display a picture, to spend a day being photographed. Those are simply not gifts.

ToffeeCaramel · 03/03/2015 16:25

I wouldn't keep stuff I couldn't use as I just wouldn't have room to store it.

crocodiledundeelady · 03/03/2015 16:32

I really don't think that giving cheese knives or a juicer is imposing an obligation! I mean ok I do understand the urge to donate if there's no room and the giver is not going to come over.

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 16:33

ToffeeCaramel I'd never sell them. They were given with kindness.

They aren't just lovely objects, they're designed really well. I'm sure they'd do their job brilliantly if I'd ever used them, which I haven't, because I'm not the sort of person who hosts dinner parties, let alone dinner parties with a cheese course.

fredfred YY I love my cat but I don't want a picture of him and me on the wall. For one because DH would really start to wonder about our relationship...

cardamomginger · 03/03/2015 16:34

Crocodile - she said she was too skint to come, so no she wouldn't have had the holiday she had if a ticket hadn't been bought for her (bought on the understanding that she had no money). She had enough money for the flight. Accommodation for the week of the wedding was sorted for her. She just didn't have enough money for the flight plus the extra non-wedding holiday that she wanted to have. I am not suggesting people relinquish their holiday to attend a wedding. But it is a bit rich to accept a ticket from other people on the grounds that you are too skint, and then tack a flash holiday onto the end of the free bit you have been provided with, clearly advertising the fact that, no you weren't too skint and you had more than enough dosh to pay for the flight yourself.
If a condition of coming to a foreign wedding is that you can turn it into a whole holiday, but you can't afford that, fine. Either just do the wedding bit. Or don't come. That's fine. But don't get other people to subsidise the trip (when most of them are only doing the wedding bit) so you can have the 2 week long holiday you want.

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 16:35

The knives live quietly in a cupboard in their case.

The juicer was getting on for the size and shape of something you'd put in an adventure playground.

bigbluestars · 03/03/2015 16:40

For those who like to specify gifts- are you the same at christmas time? Must everyone get you something that you need or will adore?

Or do you show good grace and accept that someone has gone to the trouble of buying you a gift and be grateful?

deste · 03/03/2015 16:41

Well Acslater, I hope when you get married no-one bothers to take you any gifts or if you are married did you send the gifts back.

ClockwiseCat · 03/03/2015 16:49

YANBU OP and you did the right thing buying from the list. This is always one of those topics that sets MN alight. Gift lists are a bloody marvellous idea. I knew someone who sounds just like your DH's friend and I remember well him gloating over the fuck-ugly vase he'd bought a couple for their wedding because he knew better he didn't do gift lists. I hope the bride and groom shat in it that night because that's all it was fit for.

We use everything from our gift list with love and appreciation every day. The 4 (YES FOUR) mismatched cutlery sets bought by four different people on DH's side are in our attic unused and will be ebayed as soon as I dig them out. If people live together or owned their own homes pre-wedding just trust them that they know what they need and want. All this 'Be grateful for what you're given,' Nooooooooo! I am not one bit grateful for the four mismatched cutlery sets because I never use them and they are reduced to clutter! Why didn't they buy me the pans or bin or toaster which we would have used lovingly every day?

bigbluestars · 03/03/2015 16:56

Who wants a fucking bin as a present?

I would much rather be given a thoughtful sentimental item as a gift than a box for garbage.

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 17:00

bigbluestars Weddings are a different kettle of fish to Christmas and birthdays, though I still think it's sensible to ask people, or their partners, what they'd like.

It might be unusual but when I married I moved from my parents' home and had nothing. DH was flatsharing and had nothing either.

So our list was carefully chosen and meant a lot. People going off-list with flights of fancy meant that we had to buy essential stuff. That might have been kind of them apart from that juicer but it was a bit of a pain in the neck.

And sorry, I do think that seeing as my mother had paid for the entire wedding feast for 50 people the least they could do was buy us a fucking saucepan.

MIL is always asking me what DH would like and I have to tell her to buy whatever because when he wants something, he just gets it. She agrees with me that he has no concept of delayed gratification. I once found out that he really wanted a particular very expensive Silver Cross pram I mean pen.

She was very excited to get him it and then I found out within weeks of his birthday that he was bidding for it on ebay.

I asked him not to. We ended up rowing about it because he can't understand the concept of someone who loves you buying you a present that they know you really want.

And I stress the point that they are buying something they know you really want, not something they think you ought to have.

When he wants something, he wants it yesterday.

We resolved it and his mum got him the pen and was as pleased as punch.

But I know damn well he lied to us and he's got two of them.

BlackNoSugar · 03/03/2015 17:01

People are weird! I'm common as muck. I cut out pictures from an Argos catalogue of things we'd like, stuck them all in a book and handed it round everyone telling them to pick something out, tear out the page, and 'get something like it'.

I didn't care if it came from Argos or John Lewis. If I wanted a toaster and someone was buying it for me, I was going to be grateful.

Trills · 03/03/2015 17:01

Who wants a fucking bin as a present?

Someone who ASKS for a fucking bin as a present, that's who.

ClockwiseCat · 03/03/2015 17:11

Who wants a fucking bin as a present?

Someone who ASKS for a fucking bin as a present, that's who.

This. With fucking bells on! :o

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 17:13

Who wants a fucking bin as a present?

Someone who ASKS for a fucking bin as a present, that's who.

Jackiebrambles · 03/03/2015 17:17

We had a bin on our wedding list! We needed one for our bathroom!

BeCool · 03/03/2015 17:19

I'd guess most "off list" gifts, especially the 'clever' ones, end up at the charity shop PDQ.

CactusAnnie · 03/03/2015 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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