to be a bit ragey about people's off list gifts

[DuchessofCuntbridge]

Many, many weddings to go to this year. Many gripes have I about these events, but I am trying to be good and less complainy about all the faff, money and time I am expected to dish out.

But this one... I want to know how ridiculous I am being.

All wedding invitations this year came with gift lists. Fine. I have logged onto the lists, selected an appropriately priced and looking gift for each and bought it. None of these gifts have been particulartly exciting, but Bs and Gs have selected them from such naice shops as John Lewis and so I have bought them as requested.

But this weekend I went to collect DH from a friend's where they had been watching the rugby. I was informed by that friend (very very smugly) that they had gone "off list" for their gifts of a couple of these weddings, having had AMAZING ideas. He wouldn't tell us what they are getting (even though we have already bought gifts so hardly likely to copy ffs) and just got smugger about how Bs and Gs were going to LOVE their gifts.

I didn't even know that you could go "off list"?!

I am a bit miffed really... (i) I didn't realise its such a competition, (ii) I didn't know that I could have gone and bought something better (IMO) than what was on the list as I thought you HAD to buy from the list and (iii) I feel like it takes away from everyone else's gifts for some people to just trample on the list and start buying other things which they want to wow the Bs and Gs.

I know I know, I am ridiculous. But I felt very cats bum face about the smugness!!!

I would much rather be given a thoughtful sentimental item as a gift than a box for garbage.

One persons "thoughtful sentimental item" is another persons unwanted item/clutter/bunch of crap though. If someone really wants something they will either buy it themselves, or let someone who wants to buy them a gift know what they want, for example via a gift list. Otherwise it is all speculation.

The giving of unwanted/unneeded gifts is killing the planet.

I was given some very thoughtful gifts. A quaich ( a Scottish loving cup) an apple tree, safe drinking water for a family for a year ( Oxfam), a beautiful antique mirror, and a perfume set owned by my great grandmother.

Hardly killing the planet becool.

We had a bin on our wedding list. A friend refused to buy it, even when it was the last thing left, so got us vouchers instead...which we spent on the bin

Am genuinely shocked at some of the "no one should expect a gift" and "you will have what I want to give you and be grateful" attitudes. Apart from the sheer miserliness of it (do you really think that taking a gift for people close enough to invite you to their wedding is "paying an entrance fee"?!), it doesn't take into cultural differences (many others outside England see ostentatious gift / cash giving as part of the event).

Some of you are such miseries I wouldn't want you at a wedding!

limitedperiodonly movingonup
I smile and bite my toungue. A move I am learning to perfect. Save energy for arguments more necessary. Same person went off list for wedding just as far from my taste!

They like twee - think birthday cards with lots of pages!

Add message | Report | Message poster CactusAnnie Tue 03-Mar-15 17:23:48

You seem to have misunderstood the nature of a wedding. If it was a monetary exchange like that would it not have been simpler and easier to have saved all the money spent on the wedding, spent £150 in the registry office, and instead bought what you needed yourself?"

cactusannie I totally agree. It's similar to giving money (as requested) for the honeymoon. Just don't have a massive wedding and spend the money on the fucking holiday! I don't get it.

A number of people seem to have misunderstood the nature, and indeed purpose, of a wedding.

CactusAnnie and YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually I think it's you that have misunderstood the reason and traditions for parents hosting a wedding and guests giving presents or money to the newly-married couple.

My tradition is that the bride's parents provide the party and the guests provide presents or money in celebration of the union and gratitude for the celebration.

The guests' contribution should be as lavish as the bride's parents otherwise they will be judged by everyone.

As they should.

That's what happened at my wedding.

In fact, after attending the wedding one couple sheepishly sent a present afterwards with a bit of an excuse in the card saying it had got lost in the post. I was far too polite to do anything but send a letter back thanking them for their belated present.

If I was to have another wedding - maybe if I killed DH owing to a dispute over the Sky Planner - I wouldn't have a list because I don't need stuff.

But I'd take a very dim view of guests who didn't send any present when I'd hosted a party.

Oh and the same person spends 2 months asking for lists for Christmas and then buys nothing off them. So why bother asking!

Oh and to really set off mumsnet - this will top the bin - on our wedding list we had a loo brush! One of my closest friends bought it for us with the other bathroom bits!

limitedperiodonly
Some traditions are bad and some people are only too keen to rely on 'tradition' to perpetuate unpleasant practices.

I don't think reciprocating when hosts have been generous is perpetuating unpleasant practices charlesonchapin.

I think it's good manners.

Or what kind of traditions that perpetuate unpleasant practices are you thinking of or suggesting that my family partakes in?

There will be people attending weddings, probably including yours, who do so as a favour to the bride, groom or their families. They would rather stay home and eat food of their own choosing. Instead they inconvenience themselves, possibly spend lots of money, to attend an event they may ind boring or tedious. They may be presented with food they don't like, food that isn't cooked well or to their taste, and you expect a certain level of gratitude that is set at a monetary level of your choosing.

Weddings, like other celebrations, are about being so happy about your good news/fortune you want to celebrate with others. Because with some things celebrating on your own doesn't quite cut it. The underlying sentiment is pretty much the same the world over. But if your tradition is truly a rigmarole of a financial transaction it is a silly tradition that even people with little sense can see is pretty pointless and therefore have the choice to circumvent.

CactusAnnie and YesIDidMeanTo, you are spot-on. Having any expectations of your guests whatsoever is wrong. They are invited to help celebrate your union and that does not include having to feel grateful for the lunch they just ate. What a load of horse shit.

The guests' contribution should be as lavish as the bride's parents otherwise they will be judged by everyone.

Only if 'everyone' is a cunt.

Charlston, excellent post.

Hmm, I think we only had 2 off list gifts - a popcorn maker (DH is allergic to corn - it got exchanged for vouchers), and a delightful, highly patterned, 100% acrylic brown & beige fluffy blanket (which is actually the cosiest thing ever even 12 years later, but I wasn't impressed at the time).

Of you've bought something from the list, you know it's something the B & G want/like/need, which is more than will probably said about whatever 'inventive' tat the competitive gifters have wasted their money on.

"Weddings, like other celebrations, are about being so happy about your good news/fortune you want to celebrate with others."

Absolutely. Although some people here seem to think it's about getting absolutely everything from a list of things you want.

"My tradition is that the bride's parents provide the party and the guests provide presents or money in celebration of the union and gratitude for the celebration"

That might be your tradition, but it isn't everybody's. It might not even be the tradition for everyone who attended your wedding, or for the people whose weddings you have attended.

It also seems a little old fashioned to me, what if there is are two brides or two grooms, who pays then?! Genuine question.

I think this actually shows your true feelings on the matter of gifts. People generally buy their own "essentials", not expect them as wedding gifts, IME.

" our list was carefully chosen and meant a lot. People going off-list with flights of fancy meant that we had to buy essential stuff. That might have been kind of them apart from that juicer but it was a bit of a pain in the neck."

But, I'm with you on the sky planner thing. Grounds for divorce, for sure

limitedperiodonly I wouldn't use the cheese knives to ward off zombies, you'd have to get way too close and get Walker brains on your hands and arm.

In fact, after attending the wedding one couple sheepishly sent a present afterwards with a bit of an excuse in the card saying it had got lost in the post. I was far too polite to do anything but send a letter back thanking them for their belated present.

You do know that there's nothing wrong with sending a gift after the wedding, i.e. "belatedly"?

That might be your tradition, but it isn't everybody's. It might not even be the tradition for everyone who attended your wedding, or for the people whose weddings you have attended.

Agreed, but it is my tradition, so why would you not abide by that as my honoured guest?

Can you not see that to refuse to do that would be insulting?

I've attended plenty of other weddings or civil ceremonies outside my tradition and culture and have gone with the flow.

I've never found one I objected to so much I wanted to make a stand by breaking with their beliefs but if I did, I'd just politely decline.

I'd do that by sending a letter wishing them well. And probably a very small present from the list. Maybe a wooden spoon, if there was one.

You do know that there's nothing wrong with sending a gift after the wedding, i.e. "belatedly"?

Nice try. I do know that. That's not what they did.

You sound like an absolute horror

What did they do, then?

In fact, after attending the wedding one couple sheepishly sent a present afterwards with a bit of an excuse in the card saying it had got lost in the post. I was far too polite to do anything but send a letter back thanking them for their belated present.

You do sound a bit rough, to be honest.

Limited, if I am hosted by anyone, I bring a gift appropriate to the occasion, that's just good manners. I certainly wouldn't have minded in the least however if our wedding guests hadn't given us a gift. As I said, we didn't even have a gift list.

But you are saying your "tradition and culture" is "the bride's parents provide the party and the guests provide presents or money in celebration of the union and gratitude for the celebration". How exactly do you expect your honoured guests to know this, do you send instructions out with the invitation?

It seems a bit silly to be arguing this, especially as we are both already married but I'm interested in why presents or money, in gratitude, are so important to you? And surely, by your logic, the gifts or money would go to the bride's parents?

Don't you think weddings are about the ceremony of marriage/vows etc, not the gifts? And if so, why are you attaching such importance to them?

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Confronting zombies in the wild would be preferable to meeting them at a wedding reception.