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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he regarding breast feeding?

307 replies

Thereisnoplacelikehome · 01/03/2015 16:29

I am currently pregnant, it's my 3rd child and Dp's first. We can not agree on anything to do with raising the baby. I am aware we should have thought about all this before deciding whether to have a baby or not.

The biggest thing is breast feeding. I think I should try to breast feed. My reasons are

It's free
It's much better for the baby
It's more convenient, no making up bottles in the middle of the night etc

Dp wants me to bottle feed, his reasons are

He finds breast feeding disgusting
He thinks science beats nature so formula will be made much better than breast milk

So who is being unreasonable? Dp says he is happy to get up in the night and make up bottles.

OP posts:
Everyotherusernameistaken · 01/03/2015 21:17

Also I'm sure there is some statistic somewhere about hospitalisations of young children , breast vs bottle.

Long story short the breasts tend to be healthier

Obviously there may be reasons why you can't bla bla bla

Beatrixemerald · 01/03/2015 21:40

What I found when I had dd was that my feelingd towards my husband were directly related to how he treated dd.
Therefore if he tried to argue against anything that I knew was best for dd pr behaved in a way that didn't put her first I either hated him/found him seriously unattractive. I would really struggle with this op as he isnt coming across as particularly bright or even bothering to do his research. does it not change the way you feel about him?

Gwlondon · 02/03/2015 00:04

kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/criticism/

Good luck

DIYandEatCake · 02/03/2015 00:25

He does realise that he drinks (cow's) breastmilk all the time on his cereal and in his coffee?

Jenny70 · 02/03/2015 01:18

With your comments, I would honestly consider some counselling now, before baby comes. I think you guys are not on the same page about many things, and his attitude comes across and "this is my opinion and it's final"... hardly conducive to communication and cooperation - something you are going to need with a new baby.

And to share responsibility, you've had 2 children before and if you tell him "this is what I did and that's the way I am doing it again" that may annoy him - it is his child as well, and he does dererve a say... but be open to ideas. You need to find a way to talk these things through without either of you playing the trump card "I am right and you need to believe me".

If there is issues over the birth, breastfeeding, general nutrition, what about schools, discipline, parenting etc?

And one of the strongest indicators of success in breastfeeding is having a supportive partner. If you don't, when the wheels wobble, he'll be reaching for that bottle, telling you he told you so etc.

Coyoacan · 02/03/2015 01:25

As for not wanting to be at the birth, I definitely did not want to be at the birth of my grandchild, but circumstances meant that I had to be, and it was a lot, lot better than I had imagined.

Another one convinced that breast is best and by far the easiest when the mother is comfortable with it. I can't really imagine what a nightmare it must be mixing formula and heating bottles in the middle of the night, while a hungry baby is crying.

livingzuid · 02/03/2015 05:52

Ummm ff is easy and fine for the baby. Bf is also easy and fine for the baby. They are just different. People have their own reasons for choosing one over the other but that's not the point of the op. It's about his ignorance and demands to control what you choose to do with your body. I'm glad to see you will just get on with bf and I hope he does not give you any stick as a result. It isn't his decision!

As for the Co sleeping I agree if he was to be in the same bed but I don't think that's safe anyway. DH point blank refused when she was very little (but that said now she is at 9 months they are both snoring next to me pushing me out of bed Grin). Just get a moses cheap from Asda or somewhere and see if you want to use it when your baby arrives. You can always sell it on if you don't end up needing it.

Nothing to say about him being at the birth except that's sad and I hope you have someone else to support you. Some women don't seem to mind labouring on their own but I really needed dh with me and he wouldn't have dreamt of being anywhere else.

Perhaps he is just full of nerves? And clueless when it comes to newborns? He does sound very selfish though. Your needs and those of the baby come first.

livingzuid · 02/03/2015 05:58

Oh and agree with a pp if he's so keen for ff then I guess he has no problem picking up the night shift? Or are you still expected to be there 24/7 whilst he dictates what you should be doing with your baby Confused

Cliffdiver · 02/03/2015 06:02

Do you really need to ask?

Well, I suppose you do seeing as you posted...

DH is BU. I want to say more, but I wont.

Peony58890 · 02/03/2015 06:16

Recon he's inherited his warped opinions from his family. It's crazy he can't understand that breast is best. The disgust and germ thing is more to do with his own personal hang ups. I agree he needs counselling or something to get over it

EstRusMum · 02/03/2015 06:23

Perfect thread for my bf time.

Anyway YADNBU. He is. And his opinions are rather disturbing. Are you sure you want to raise children with guy like him? I probably wouldn't.

Peony58890 · 02/03/2015 06:28

I would tell him to lump it and go live elsewhere if he pushes things.

Cliffdiver · 02/03/2015 06:29

I think the issue is your DH's pathetic childish argument, saying he finds breastfeeding disgusting is just as offensive as someone saying FF is disgusting.

There's (arguably) no right or wrong way to feed a baby, and I say that as a breastfeeding peer supporter.

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 02/03/2015 06:33

Sounds like he's inherited some really weird ideas - not liking cooking from scratch Hmm

I don't think this necessarily makes him a terrible person just a bit daft. I'd just calmly tell him that you will be breastfeeding and he doesn't have to stand and watch if he doesn't want to - he'll be far too busy anyway making you cups if tea, minding the older kids, doing the laundry etc anyway Grin

merrymouse · 02/03/2015 06:34

I would be concerned that he isn't really appreciating how much mess and inconvenience babies bring.

The idea that formula is better because it is man made is so illogical that it is almost funny - but actually more worrying because you need to know that your milk is good enough when you are struggling at 3am.

cinders456 · 02/03/2015 07:41

My ex said the same. It's a sign of major immaturity. It's like they're stuck at the age of 6 or something. He was a total nob anyway. Hence, being my "ex".

Idontseeanysontarans · 02/03/2015 07:57

Wrt not being at the birth I wouldn't push that one - DH didn't particularly want to be the birth of ours but circumstances dictated that one without our input. He has a nasty habit of fainting at the sight of blood but was with me for our first and third child (missed the second time due to traffic, childcare arrangements and speedy labour). Ultimately he was glad he came. Birth isn't always this beautiful experience, it can be messy and traumatic - not wanting to he there isn't the sign of a bad person and you need someone who isn't going to have your back or pass out with you.
As far as everything else it sounds like fear of the unknown. Although he does have experience of children a newborn is totally different isn't it?
I would've wondering who he's talking to - at 34 I would imagine a lot of his mates have children already - has he been getting horror stories about how life changes with a newborn child? Women get them often enough from other people so I'm damn sure men too. It doesn't make him potentially abusive which is what some people seem to be suggesting here, just ignorant and unwilling to educate himself.
You need to take him to speak to your midwife for the next few appointments. Can you get to NCT classes maybe?

Good luck.

ZuluInJozi · 02/03/2015 09:59

No, I would not get the midwife to speak to him nor show him this thread, one of the first signs of abusive relationships is when you start doubting yourself about simple and often straight forward things. You and any other reasonable person know that breastfeeding is best for children.

He knows breastfeeding is a powerful way mothers bond with their children, he wants to break this bond even before it starts.

He is jealous of you, wants to control you and competes with you.

ChatEnOeuf · 02/03/2015 10:16

Umm...formula company scientists are aware, and openly admit, they are trying to approximate breast milk, which is the gold standard for most infants. And it's not just because the law says they have to, though I don't doubt this is a big factor. They also know they can't do it perfectly.

If he finds it disgusting, he is free to leave the room to avoid seeing it.

He sounds a bit weird to be honest.

bigbluestars · 02/03/2015 10:17

I wouldn't want to be with a man who tried to control the way I fed my baby.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2015 10:25

He's monumentally thick.

What on earth do you find to talk to him about?

RedToothBrush · 02/03/2015 10:26

He thinks science beats nature so formula will be made much better than breast milk

If this is the way you think, its simple. You use science to disprove his logic.

If he fails to acknowledge the science then you have a good argument to tell him this is about issue he has and needs to get over rather than using this as a piss poor excuse.

Basically go all Star Trek on him, and tell him his human side is controlling his Vulcan side.

Original poster
Thereisnoplacelikehome · 02/03/2015 11:23

I can't believe all the responses on this thread, thank you all for taking the time to reply. I'm not going to be giving in over this.

OP posts:
mayfridaycomequickly · 02/03/2015 11:40

I honestly can't believe all this 'feed your baby the way you want to' stuff - it's their baby - they both need to have a say.

Lovemycatsandkids · 02/03/2015 11:41

He sounds controlling op. You will need to tread very carefully going forward and may need to gather as many supportive friends and family around you.

Best of luck.