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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he regarding breast feeding?

307 replies

Thereisnoplacelikehome · 01/03/2015 16:29

I am currently pregnant, it's my 3rd child and Dp's first. We can not agree on anything to do with raising the baby. I am aware we should have thought about all this before deciding whether to have a baby or not.

The biggest thing is breast feeding. I think I should try to breast feed. My reasons are

It's free
It's much better for the baby
It's more convenient, no making up bottles in the middle of the night etc

Dp wants me to bottle feed, his reasons are

He finds breast feeding disgusting
He thinks science beats nature so formula will be made much better than breast milk

So who is being unreasonable? Dp says he is happy to get up in the night and make up bottles.

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 01/03/2015 20:08

My Dh wasnt fond of breast feeding - he wasn't stupid enough to say it but I could tell he found the whole thing a bit yuck but he got over it though struggled with bf in public and still does three dc later. Did help I expressed early on so he could give baby 10pm bottle so I got to sleep from 6pm ish until 1am which was lovely.

Co sleeping issue - just buy the Moses basket or bedside crib, will settle his mind even if you end up cosleeping not worth fighting over at the moment as things will change once the baby arrives.

I have a couple of friends who didn't go into the delivery room and they had mum and or a friend instead, then there dh's came in just after the birth. Also had one friend who husbands struggled to have sex with her for up to a year after birth because he was so freaked out. If he doesn't want to be there don't force him. Make plans for alteratives when the couch comes he could completely change his mind.

Andrewofgg · 01/03/2015 20:12

when the couch comes Hmm - crunch, perhaps?

calmexterior · 01/03/2015 20:13

I haven't read all the replies.

If your partner is so anti breastfeeding and you didn't bf your other children then the odds are against you succeeding sadly.

I cannot understand one point of his argument - I would find some support from a breastfeeding councillor instead if you want to breastfeed. And spend the money you have saved on yourself!

IHaveASleepThief · 01/03/2015 20:16

If he's so intent of using a bottle, couldn't you ebm for night time to come to some sort of agreement? Personally I think he's being an ass about it!

Cheby · 01/03/2015 20:16

OP lots of people have odd ideas about breastfeeding. He's not alone and for most people it comes from a place of ignorance, if you've never been around bf it can seem v odd. We're used to breasts being viewed sexually and not for feeding, it can take a while to adjust to the idea.

I would take him to all the midwife appointments, maybe do an NCT class or something (he's a new parent even if you aren't) and let the professionals reinforce the facts. I wouldn't argue but id just be insistent that I would be breastfeeding. He may well come round to the idea with minimal fuss.
My BIL was almost exactly the same initially, but my sister fed their DD to 14 months and he's now a huge advocate of bf.

About the birth, that's a difficult situation. On the one hand I realise why you want him there but on the other if he doesn't want to be there he's only likely to bring stress to the situation. Maybe try to talk to him about his reasons, but if he truly doesn't want to be there maybe he would be better looking after the older children while you are in labour. You could get a doula or a good friend to be your birth partner.

Original poster
Thereisnoplacelikehome · 01/03/2015 20:17

I don't have anyone else to come with me when I give birth, my Mum died when I was young.

I did breast feed my youngest child so I have done it before successfully. I know it doesn't mean I will definitely be able to do it again but I want to try.

OP posts:
clairemum22 · 01/03/2015 20:19

I can understand his (am presuming its his) objection to co-sleeping, and wouldn't do it myself but who on earth finds breast feeding disgusting? What an arrogant idiot if he thinks he knows best. Good luck!

UndecidedNow · 01/03/2015 20:20

Not wanting to be at the birth, I can understand. There are actually quite a few men who are very worried abouit it, others who haven't a clue what to do or feel like a spare part. Some that are worried to not see their DW in the same way after that (sexually). I know DH certainly didn't want to see what was going on down there and was also Hmm about cutting the cord.

The FF against bfing ... if the argument hadn't been 'I prefer science and imdustrially mader food to natural breast milk' I could understand too.
I'm wondering how he prefers his food though. Made from scratch from natural ingredients or mass produced in a factory???

But the ONE thing that is completely unacceptable is the 'Breastfeeding is disgusting'.
now that is bringing a lot of issues for me. It means that he can't see breasts any other way that a sex object. It means he doesn't want to 'share' your breats with someone else, even his child. I dread to think what he will say if it's a boy...
And the association 'no to be at the birth' and 'bfing is disgusting' and 'no to co-sleeping' made me wonder if he see you in any other way than as a sexual companion. Which you are of course but he will have to learn you are also a person in your right (who can have her own opinions and can decide to stick to them) and a mother (who will 'share' her body with that child).
He seew to react as if he doesn't and can't handel the idea that he is going to have to share you with that baby. Sharing 'his' time with you, 'his' space and 'his' right to access to your body. (Remember too that as a newborn, that baby will spend a lot of time in your arms etc... will that also be unacceptable to him? Do you think he will be one of thos 'let him cry out' brigade?).

It's also very nice to see you say 'I wil stand my ground' but you'd better do that now before the baby's arrived. Because you will struggle to do it when the bay is there, you are tired and sleep deprived, you still need to look after your two older ones and he is putting a lot of pressure onto you to do things 'his' way....

Guyropes · 01/03/2015 20:20

powder those decisions are for you to make though. Nobody in here is suggesting that a mum who has an aversion should breast feed.

This guy is trying to impose his aversion on his partner. He has the right to not be there at the birth. Unsupportive partners can inhibit the process of birth in any case.
He doesn't have the right to dictate how she feeds their baby. It's up to her, and his arrogance is offensive.

Did your dp try to get you agree to breast feed or did he respect your decision?

nocoolnamesleft · 01/03/2015 20:22

Science is indeed great. And it's science that tells us that breastmilk has advantages over formula. So frustrating for you!

Lunastarfish · 01/03/2015 20:24

How about you compromise? You will bottle feed but he Has to do ALL the feeds Wink

Cheby · 01/03/2015 20:24

Sorry about your Mum OP. A doula might be a good option then.
It's understandable why he might be anti cosleeping, there's so much inaccurate info around about it. I was dead set against it but ended up with a baby who didnt sleep and it was that or nothing, so I ended up cosleeping for 12 months. We got a Bednest, it was great. Mostly DD was in with me and the Bednest acted as an expensive bed guard but occasionally she slept in it and we always had the option of trying to put her back in there.

richthegreatcornholio · 01/03/2015 20:27

I can. If a man knows he is squeamish and can't cope with the sight of blood and gore he had better stay away. The last thing anyone can be arsed with is him needing medical attention!

We're about to have our first child and I'm a little squeamish and not sure how I'll cope with any gore (I won't pass out or anything) and who knows how good a birth partner I'll be as it's all new to me but one thing I do know is that I'll be there to support my wife 100% to the best of my ability. Wild horses wouldn't keep me away.

Momagain1 · 01/03/2015 20:30

If he is happy to get up and feed the baby with a bottle at night, go for it!

My dh began feeding ds a bottle of formula t 11 pm, so
I could a stretch of sleep before the wee hours feed and the early morning feed. I tried for a week to establish a pre-bed pumping session for that feed, but alas, never got more than a tablespoonful! So, that was that. As the late night and wee hours feeds merged, he carried on. It was great.

Other than that, your boobs, do what you want. If he really appreciated science, he would appreciate the nature.

redcaryellowcar · 01/03/2015 20:31

I haven't read all the replies, and sure you've probably had 100% support for a yanbu, he most certainly is being unreasonable. not totally because one is necessarily better than the other, but mostly because he needs to support your choices as a mother. When I had ds1 the best advice I was given was "trust your instincts", don't let your dh make you question this. And on the point about science being better, it's the best biology going that makes human milk for human babies, formula is a good alternative but essentially a compromise made for babies from cows milk.

Anotheronesoon · 01/03/2015 20:35

He sounds ignorant.

MistressDeeCee · 01/03/2015 20:37

Control freak. If its not about this eventuallly, it will be something else

Your experience as a woman and mother will count for nothing with a man who gets so arsey about a woman's natural function as a mother. I can never understand when women describe a man as kind and caring when he obviously isn't being kind and caring to them. There is no tradeoff. He can express a preference of course but when it goes beyond that, its bullying. Best I can suggest is get a health professional to chat about it, in your presence. Oh...a male preferably, this type of man isn't going to listen to a woman's point of view on this subject. If at all any other.

Original poster
Thereisnoplacelikehome · 01/03/2015 20:37

He does like processed food, pulls a face if I talk about cooking from scratch not from jars or packets.

I'm not going to change my mind on this, I will be breast feeding.

OP posts:
UndecidedNow · 01/03/2015 20:40

Oh so he prefers food full of additives and chemicals. He thinks it's better for him too because it's made in a factory perhaps. Oh dear.....

it's not just bfing he needs some education on. It's the whole concept of nutritious food.

Andrewofgg · 01/03/2015 20:41

Richthegreatcornholio As long as you know you won't pass out and be a bloody nuisance of course you must be there. Even if in the event you are useless - which I very much doubt, I would imagine there is a strong correlation between being worth having there and being on MN - you will do no harm. And you won't be useless, if your DW wants you there then to be there is to be useful.

Good luck to all three and I do envy you those first few minutes - there will never be anything like it for you again!

MerryMarigold · 01/03/2015 20:47

OP, I don't think your dh knows very much about health or science!

Seriouslyffs · 01/03/2015 20:50

Honestly OP, you know him and no one else on this thread does. Is he likely to stop you? In which case you know you've got a bigger problem. If not smile and nod and do what you want and hide this thread with all the vipers slagging off your partner
Other posters- is telling the OP what you think of her partner helpful? Has she suggested anywhere that she's cowed or frightened?

richthegreatcornholio · 01/03/2015 20:58

Thanks Andrew obviously I wouldn't be there against DW's wishes but I think if that was the case we'd have more serious issues with our relationship. I'm just hoping that I can be at least some support during the birth. I'm scared and excited in equal measure but I suspect that it will be an amazing experience. Thanks for your best wishes!

Original poster
Thereisnoplacelikehome · 01/03/2015 21:01

I very much doubt he will try to stop me no.

OP posts:
Everyotherusernameistaken · 01/03/2015 21:15

I'm sure he is underestimating how much getting up he' ll have to do!