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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he regarding breast feeding?

307 replies

Thereisnoplacelikehome · 01/03/2015 16:29

I am currently pregnant, it's my 3rd child and Dp's first. We can not agree on anything to do with raising the baby. I am aware we should have thought about all this before deciding whether to have a baby or not.

The biggest thing is breast feeding. I think I should try to breast feed. My reasons are

It's free
It's much better for the baby
It's more convenient, no making up bottles in the middle of the night etc

Dp wants me to bottle feed, his reasons are

He finds breast feeding disgusting
He thinks science beats nature so formula will be made much better than breast milk

So who is being unreasonable? Dp says he is happy to get up in the night and make up bottles.

OP posts:
Casmama · 01/03/2015 17:11

I would seriously consider whether you want him there - surely someone supportive would be better- your mum or a friend maybe?

Does he actually want this baby?

Cantbelievethisishappening · 01/03/2015 17:11

Is there anything you agree on....at all?
Good luck OP..... you are going to need it.

Original poster
Thereisnoplacelikehome · 01/03/2015 17:11

Forgot to say we don't have a spare bed for Dp to sleep in.

OP posts:
YokoUhOh · 01/03/2015 17:12

He sounds very squeamish about everything. Is he scared? Old-fashioned? Is he supportive in other ways?

Nancy66 · 01/03/2015 17:12

how is he with your other two kids?

thegreylady · 01/03/2015 17:13

The compromise is that there is no compromise re breast feeding. It is better for baby and better for you. No discussion needed. I would get the Moses basket and have it beside the bed. It is also useful to have downstairs for daytime naps. If you do that then you have 'listened ' to him and he will feel that he has been allowed to make one decision (the least important one). He just doesn't understand but he will.

leedy · 01/03/2015 17:13

So he thinks breastfeeding is disgusting and he doesn't want to see you giving birth. Is he perhaps hoping he can imagine that the baby just appeared from somewhere and had/has nothing to do with "his" precious vagina and breasts?

crabbiepattie · 01/03/2015 17:13

Tell him to fuck off and feed your baby the way nature intended!!!

AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 17:13

I wonder how quickly after the birth he will insist on his conjugal rights.

Original poster
Thereisnoplacelikehome · 01/03/2015 17:14

There's not much we agree on to be fair.

Regarding the birth I think he will be great. When I miscarried he was amazing, cleaned me up and made me as comfortable as possible. I can't see why he would be any different.

He does want the baby.

OP posts:
Anonimousy · 01/03/2015 17:14

He needs to grow up and stop being so ridiculous. It's a real shame he knows nothing about the benefits of breastfeeding by now.

SummerHouse · 01/03/2015 17:15

This man is making me angry. He needs to support you. Why on earth would the mother of your child feeding your child evoke disgust?

Original poster
Thereisnoplacelikehome · 01/03/2015 17:15

He won't insist on his conjugal rights, he knows that's out for at least six weeks and that I probably won't want it for much longer.

OP posts:
Bambambini · 01/03/2015 17:16

How far on are you? Hopefully this is just first time jitters and ignorance. Hopefully it will settle itself out naturally once the baby is here though you need to discuss these things now.

Maybe you would do better with someone else at the birth who wants to be there and wants to support you. No point in forcing him and him being useless. All this might change as it gets never though.

SummerHouse · 01/03/2015 17:17

Has he some issues that you need to get to the bottom of?

BertieBotts · 01/03/2015 17:19

He doesn't want to see it happening.

Well that's easy then, he can move out and then he won't have to see any nasty horrible breastfeeding. Poor ickle delicate man.

If there's not much you agree on what on earth do you get out of the relationship? I'd find it really difficult to live with someone who I disagreed with on most things. Of course you don't have to agree on everything, that would be weird, but not much to agree on? I'm confused Confused Where's the basis for the relationship?

TheFecklessFairy · 01/03/2015 17:19

Each unto his own opinion, really. He is within his rights to not like breast feeding, just as you are within your rights to want it. There is no right and wrong.

trashcanjunkie · 01/03/2015 17:20

I'd honestly contemplate getting rid I'm afraid. If you think it's going to be hard without him there, you'll be amazed how hard it will be with him there. It's not going to magically change op.

This man is a dud. I know how much you can ignore because you're desperate to have him with you, and be two parents, but what it sounds like you'll actually have, is a stressful horrible time and a fucking cunt to delay with. Get rid of him now, do your grieving and move on, so when the baby comes you haven't got a whole heap of shit and disappointment to deal with, as well as your newborn and older dcs.

I wish someone had said that to me. I have zero happy memories from all three of my dcs births because I was trying to make something from nothing with twats. All it gave me was a world of pain.

trashcanjunkie · 01/03/2015 17:20

Deal, not delay

gamerchick · 01/03/2015 17:21

I was wondering if he was squeemish especially if he doesn't want to be at the birth.

I'm in the up yours camp regarding breastfeeding anyway . As long as you sort out other support, especially when your milk comes in and with it the blues. The first week can be tough as you know and the last thing you need is him bleeping in your ear about formula when you're still getting to grips with things again.

Tbh with you all I hear is the death knell. .If he backs off he may make your life hard at the worst time and if you do you'll resent him for controlling you.. especially if when the novelty has worn off you find yourself doing all the night feeds anyway on the settee while he snores away in bed because he doesn't want the baby in bed with you.

Owllady · 01/03/2015 17:21

I think I'd tell him you're refusing to be at the birth too

Roomba · 01/03/2015 17:22

What a prince among men! What on earth does he think women's breasts are for FFS?

I can see how it just wouldn't occur to you to question him on his thoughts regarding breastfeeding and birth before you got pregnant because it just wouldn't occur to me that someone could appear perfectly nice and then come out with such pearls of wisdom either.

Why doesn't he want to be at the birth? Is he frightened of the whole thing or is it something else that he is 'disgusted' at the thought of? If that were the only thing that he had disagreed with you on, I would think that he was just scared (as many people are) by the thought of you being in pain, whether he could support you properly, and so on. The two of you could then talk about it together and you could reassure him and make it clear that you would need his support... but on top of the breastfeeding thing, it just makes him a misogynistic, unsupportive, controlling arsehole.

He doesn't get any say in how you feed the baby - that is entirely up to you and your baby! How dare he suggest you must do it hidden away from him to spare his precious sensibilities!

Do not allow him to dictate this to you. It is very likely the start of a long slippery slope where he ends up trying to control everything you do. This often begins during pregnancy, it's a classic pattern with abusers who appear lovely before then.

Roomba · 01/03/2015 17:24

You do know that there is no such thing as 'conjugal rights', don't you?

Good god. He won't insist... well that's alright then!

BrightBlowsTheBroom · 01/03/2015 17:25

The compromise is that there is no compromise re breast feeding. It is better for baby and better for you. No discussion needed

There may well be considerable scope for compromise and discussion and you cannot blithely say it is better, but the discussion, if needed, is between the OP and a trusted objective and understanding health professional not this man. The decision is then entirely OP's.

Original poster
Thereisnoplacelikehome · 01/03/2015 17:25

Ha ha Owl that would be good, I could just be handed a clean baby, maybe the stork could bring it.

OP posts:
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