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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disappointed not to have an engagement ring?

299 replies

finlaythecat · 26/02/2015 14:40

My partner popped the question on Christmas eve and we are over the moon. He made a homemade ring for the occasion which I love and which will always be 'The Ring' but is not suitable to actually wear.

We went ring shopping together in early January and he had no idea about cost of rings so it was all quite a suprise to him! I would like a platinum ring so I can wear it every day and my job is quite hands on. The rings we've looked at have been around £1000-£1500.

We have a good amount of savings and several of the jewellers we went into offer payment in installments etc. However, DP has said he doesnt want to use any of our savings and does not want to buy it on credit. We are not badly off financially and hopefully in May he will be becoming a partner in his business, leading to a big salary increase.

In the mean time we are paying to have several rooms plastered, carpeted etc and our garden cleared.

AIBU to be sad about not having a ring 2 months down the line and that everything else is taking priority financially? I know I sound like a complete spoiled brat and it is a big luxury but I feel like he is not interested at all.

OP posts:
RatMort · 27/02/2015 18:45

This thread has been an eye-opener for me, in a deeply depressing way. There are so many threads on Mn from women who desperately want to be proposed to, but whose partners stall because they say they want to do it 'properly', and can't afford to. Cue a chorus of 'he doesn't want to marry you, or he'd do it with a ring pull from a Coke can.' Clearly at least some of these men have a point, judging by this thread - there are women who don't want a marriage proposal if it isn't accompanied with the correct piece of jewellery.

Peasin, as one of those who has been pointing out that a lot of the discourse of modern engagement rings is due to a series of successful diamibd marketing campaigns, it sounds to me like your circle of female acquaintance is quite limited. I can think of lots of married women I know who don't have engagement or wedding rings, who didn't get proposed to or 'given away' etc. I didn't myself. It's 2015 - it's not that wildly unconventional a gesture.

mameulah · 27/02/2015 18:51

I don't have an engagement ring because we couldn't have afforded the kind I would have wanted.

We went to all the posh jewellers to get my wedding ring. I chose the one I wanted. My DH then searched the internet and found a better version for half the price. I LOVE my wedding ring! Smile Would you consider doing something like that? Also, I swim lots and was told platinum was best.

Also, your DF sounds like a great catch. Far better to commit to someone with sensible ideas about money than someone with frivolous values.

chasingtherainbow · 27/02/2015 18:53

Ofgs. Give the op a break! She's excited to be engaged and wants a bit of sparkle to signify it. Not everyone cares for one..but she does.

stopgap · 27/02/2015 19:23

Have you looked on etsy? The quality can be a bit variable, but I've bought some lovely antique pieces on there from craftspeople and dealers. Maybe that's the way to go if 1500 quid is going to break the budget/cause a rift.

Fauxlivia · 27/02/2015 20:46

Engagement rings might be a symbol of the patriarchy, but there are shit loads of more pressing issues I'd like to see corrected before I can get all worked up about how oppressive it is for a man to buy me sparkly diamonds!

bringmejoy2015 · 27/02/2015 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lottapianos · 28/02/2015 08:08

RatMort, same here - my best mate didn't want an engagement ring. In fact, there was no 'engagement' at all - they talked about getting married, decided to get married, planned a wedding and got married. No 'proposal', no ring, no getting down on one knee (yuck) and no asking for father's permission ( wtf is that all about by the way?).

mrspremise · 28/02/2015 08:40

My engagement ring was a 9c gold, CZ job from a high street jewellers. I loved it because of what it meant, not because of how much it cost and 15 years later it still looks perfect. Could you perhaps look for a more achievable alternative? White gold? Silver?

soverylucky · 28/02/2015 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kewtogetin · 28/02/2015 09:03

I don't think you're being unreasonable either, for what it's worth nine pages in!
Getting engaged is exciting, you want to tell everyone your news, cue the excited cries of 'show us the ring!' And you mumbling 'errr, there isn't one'......I feel for you, that's pretty shit.
The part about him being surprised by how much rings cost is bullshit, a quick five minute Google would have given him a rough guide. Was this a genuine, out of the blue proposal or a 'keep the peace' proposal? Ie have you told people? Are you talking about setting dates or choosing venues?

CrystalCove · 28/02/2015 09:17

Can't believe there are a few posters saying don't marry him because of this!

chasingtherainbow · 28/02/2015 09:37

Oh here we go... Everyone with expensive rings or who spent more than the cost of a registry office on their wedding are all divorced because their relationship was obviously only based on superficial

MN is so odd sometimes.

soverylucky · 28/02/2015 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

midsummabreak · 28/02/2015 10:26

wishing you a beautiful life together filled with love and laughter, platinum ring or no platinum ring. Maybe the two of you look at how/when/on what you should be spending your money on very differently. How do each of you feel about a solution in which you somehow 'meet in the middle' as others have suggested?

MuffinMcLay23 · 28/02/2015 19:44

What about the tradition of spending a month's salary? That seems a reasonable ballpark.
To some people £1500 is a lot of money and to some it's not - depends on your means obviously, hence the one months salary as a guide.
For what it's worth I have a beautiful platinum and diamond engagement ring which cost a lot more than £1500 which I don't think makes me shallow/money grabbing and I still wear it every day after ten years and we are very happily married!

MuffinMcLay23 · 28/02/2015 19:46

Dont get a cubic zirconia ring as suggested above! Yuck!

seaoflove · 28/02/2015 19:53

The one month salary "tradition" was apparently invented by De Beers.

Having said that, £1500 really isn't an enormous amount of money for a lot of people, so I'm not objecting to that at all. My ring was £900 (cost price) but is worth around £3k.

florascotia · 28/02/2015 20:19

Lottapianos OF COURSE I don't agree with this, but, since you ask, the 'father's permission' bit dates back to the time - until 19th cent in England - where a woman had no separate legal personality. Until she married, she was under the guardianship of her father; after she married, her husband had control of her property and (in many ways) her person and her children.

I think that engagement/wedding rings - for men as well as women - are a nice symbolic guesture of commitment (nothing to do with showing that a woman is 'spoken for'), but no more than that. As earlier poster says, the tradition of a ring to suggest loyalty/ fidelity goes back to ancient Roman times. Doesen't matter what the rings are like - that's a matter of individual choice. All the stuff about 'month's salary' etc is advertising hype.

Marynary · 28/02/2015 20:30

YANBU but then neither is your DP. Different people have different priorities and the posters telling you not to marry him are being ridiculous. I told DH I only wanted a cheap second hand engagement ring as I probably wouldn't wear it much after the wedding and so we chose one for about £100. I don't think that £1,500 is too much though if you would prefer a ring over other things. You need to tell him how important it is to you. If he knows it is making you sad he will hopefully see the ring as more important.

SisterMoonshine · 28/02/2015 20:57

He could be worrying about what you'll come up with once you get "the chance to look around myself and do research and now I know exactly what I want" re weddings.

BuggersMuddle · 28/02/2015 21:00

£1500 is not necessarily a lot of money. We are not rich, but I would have been seriously unimpressed with a £500 ring for various reasons, which are not 'grabby' but more to do with the symbolic priority.

OP YANBU, but if your DP can't afford it there are other options.

I have a very traditional diamond. My only request to DP was that if he wanted to go down that route, I wanted something fairly nice. I also said, that I was absolutely amenable to something different (and therefore much cheaper) as long as the stones were relatively hardwearing and suitable for daily wear (ruby or sapphire were mooted). Would a non-diamond ring be an option?

Philoslothy · 28/02/2015 21:03

I am not saying that YABU but you don't need an engagement ring, I am surprised people still buy them tbh

rosierainbow1 · 28/02/2015 21:07

Of course it is important to have a decent ring. You are wearing it for forever.I don't think he should have proposed if he didn't have one

Philoslothy · 28/02/2015 21:10

YANBU.

I'd call off the engagement in your position, because I expect any future husband of mine to prioritise my happiness and things that are important to me, as I would do for him.

Shock seriously you would not marry a man you loved over a bit of metal Shock

Philoslothy · 28/02/2015 21:11

I don't think he should have proposed if he didn't have one

I must let my husband of over 20 years know that he had no business proposing

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