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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be disappointed not to have an engagement ring?

299 replies

finlaythecat · 26/02/2015 14:40

My partner popped the question on Christmas eve and we are over the moon. He made a homemade ring for the occasion which I love and which will always be 'The Ring' but is not suitable to actually wear.

We went ring shopping together in early January and he had no idea about cost of rings so it was all quite a suprise to him! I would like a platinum ring so I can wear it every day and my job is quite hands on. The rings we've looked at have been around £1000-£1500.

We have a good amount of savings and several of the jewellers we went into offer payment in installments etc. However, DP has said he doesnt want to use any of our savings and does not want to buy it on credit. We are not badly off financially and hopefully in May he will be becoming a partner in his business, leading to a big salary increase.

In the mean time we are paying to have several rooms plastered, carpeted etc and our garden cleared.

AIBU to be sad about not having a ring 2 months down the line and that everything else is taking priority financially? I know I sound like a complete spoiled brat and it is a big luxury but I feel like he is not interested at all.

OP posts:

ireallydontlikemonday · 26/02/2015 15:01

YANBU. And I really don't think 1-1.5 is obscene either, not in the scheme I things.

FWIW I have a white gold ring wit diamonds in it that was an 18th bday present, it's completley battered and I've hardly worn it, and it wasn't knocking against a wedding band daily.

I have platinum wedding and engagement rings and they are not marked at all. They have also gone up in insurance terms as the price of platinum has increased. I've been married nearly ten years.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/02/2015 15:02

I have a white gold wedding ring that is nearly 15 years old and it hasn't needed replating yet. Does your fiance love you? Does he want to marry you? that is the most important part of your relationship - a ring won't see you through the challenges and tough times every couple go through but his love for you will. Don't get too hung up on symbols.

gymboywalton · 26/02/2015 15:02

'your relationship as fiancees?'
really?

when are you going to get married?

Lorelei353 · 26/02/2015 15:03

Have you considered palladium? It's similar to platinum (part of the same group of metals) but is cheaper

ICanHearYouShoutingVile · 26/02/2015 15:03

Can I say something? Savings and getting you house done are far more important than a ring. Any ring.

I have a very expensive engagement ring - and I never wear it.
Why not get a lovely platinum wedding ring with diamonds on? Bit like an eternity ring - they are lovely.

I always take my wedding ring off for cleaning/gardening etc. Even platinum will scratch.

Lottapianos · 26/02/2015 15:03

'I'm always rather surprised though if it's so important to the status of the relationship why only women expect to wear them.'

sooty, they were introduced to
a) give a signal to possible suitors that the woman was spoken for (like she couldnt' handle that situation herself if it arose)
b) prove to all and sundry that the man earned enough/had enough money to support her and any future children they might have (because of course she would be giving up work upon becoming a married woman)

They are a deeply sexist part of the whole wedding package

I'm sure I read somewhere that the trend for diamond engagement rings was entirely created by deBeers jewellery as a marketing ploy.

ilovesooty · 26/02/2015 15:06

Lotta exactly.

How depressing in this day and age that self respecting women buy into such a symbol.

nokidshere · 26/02/2015 15:08

I think if using savings or going into debt is important to him then you should maybe look at something cheaper or be prepared to wait awhile longer.

My engagement ring is over a hundred years old - has been worn by my husbands great aunt, then his mother every day of their married lives - I have now had it on my finger for 29 years - it's 18ct, set with sapphires and diamonds and looks the same as it always has. And I have worked with children and the mess that comes with them for all of that time.

I dont thing you need platinum for longevity.

Lottapianos · 26/02/2015 15:11

I always want to ask women who want an engagement ring how they would feel if their fiance demanded that she buy him a bespoke suit/handmade pair of leather shoes/new computer/season ticket/something else that costs several hundred pounds because he wants a 'symbol' of their love and their decision to marry. I think a lot of people would find that scenerio deserves a huge eyeroll at least, yet hundreds and even thousands of pounds on a piece of jewellery is accepted as the norm.

The other thing is, that 1500 you want him to spend on a ring for you is 1500 of your joint money. If you get married you must be planning to share your finances at least in part, so that's 1500 that is no longer available to the two of you. You could do a lot with that sort of money and I agree with other posters - I would always prioritise bricks and mortar over jewellery.

Lemondrizzletwunt · 26/02/2015 15:17

Mine is here, and is white gold. If you get it from a good jeweller they will often re-rhodium for free, mine does

I think the advice for men in days gone by was that the ring should cost 2 months of his salary. Obviously total bollocks, but spend what you like! If it's important to you, make sure you love it, as you'll be wearing it for quite some time.

AIBU to be disappointed not to have an engagement ring?

flowery · 26/02/2015 15:20

I had a cheap Argos ring when we first got engaged - we were 18 and at university and penniless. I had an upgrade just before we actually got married, although we were still pretty broke, and when DS1 was born I had a further upgrade to the beautiful ring I have now.

Why not do that? Get something cheap that you can afford now, so you have a symbol, then further down the line when finances are improved, get something new.

TwinkleDust · 26/02/2015 15:20

There will always be other demands on your money. And sometimes there needs to be a priority order. But - he doesn't seem to be willing to factor in that this is something that is (rightly or wrongly!) important to you - and offer to make a compromise, or plan for purchase. That's rather concerning. It seems to me that the ring is highly symbolic for you in a lot of ways; does he realise that?

Btw, if marriage is important to you, don't have babies first; the priority order will mean the costs will push it down the pecking order, no matter how important it is for you.

MoustacheofRonSwanson · 26/02/2015 15:22

YANBU to want a ring. Whether or not £1000-1500 is reasonable or unreasonable depends on your income.

Americans say 1-3 months salary is the right range. It's meant to be expensive enough to show that engagement is a commitment, whatever that means financially in your situation.

Samcro · 26/02/2015 15:24

yanbu
but I wouldn't want to spend that much,
my ring did not cost much and we have been married 26 years
so don't go so pricy

CamilleBordey · 26/02/2015 15:25

YANBU. I will be flamed for this but if you intend to wear it daily and it is important to you he should be prioritising it. Traditionally a guide price was a month's salary. I asked my husband to include bonus etc when calculating that to be the ring was important as I wanted to love it and to wear it always. We skimped on wedding and other items but splurged on ring. Platinum is totally understandable request. White gold would need re-coating regularly so better to get platinum. congrats on engagement.

Original poster

finlaythecat · 26/02/2015 15:31

I think if he had proposed with a ring he had chosen and paid for etc I would have loved it, whatever it was like and whatever it was made from because he had chosen it. But now I've had the chance to look around myself and do research and now I know exactly what I want. I am not normally bothered about presents and jewellery but this has really bothered me.
Deep inside I wish he'd waited until he had bought a ring for me but saying this out loud makes me sound like a super bitch!
Thanks for everyone's advice

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 26/02/2015 15:33

So Camille what did you buy your husband to mark the occasion?

Perfectlypurple · 26/02/2015 15:35

Even a months salary for an engagement ring is obscene to me. For me my cheap ring, picked by my dh while he was thinking about what he thought I would like means way more to me than the cost of it.

I spent more on a jacket for him as a present as it was something I knew he had always wanted but not able to afford. He loved it because I had gone out of my way to save and get it made for him knowing it was something he would love. He would have loved it even if it had been a quarter of the price.

CallMeMaybe · 26/02/2015 15:38

the one/two months salary guideline was invented by de Beeers in the 1930's to inflate the price of diamonds. It was a clever marketing campaign which worked well as diamond prices have remained artificially high.

I was married to someone for nearly twenty years who did spend that kind of money on jewellery for me, however when we divorced I saught to sell some of it due to the fact I had no money, my £1500 diamond engagement ring was valued at £260 second hand, along with various other pieces which were given no value at all. The jewellers I visited (and there were more than one) said that diamonds have no second hand value at all, only the gold has value when selling second hand. Hence my statement that that kind of money for a ring which has been artificially inflated is obscene.

I love diamonds, but knowing what i do now I would never pay that kind of money for jewellery again. Obviously you don't generally buy jewellery with the intention of selling it again, but equally I don't like the idea that my jewellery has been over priced in order to sustain a myth of diamond value and to keep it artificially high.

Original poster

finlaythecat · 26/02/2015 15:40

PerfectlyPurple, I totally agree! If he had chosen it himself I would love it whatever the cost and whatever the style because he chose it.
Really I have spoilt it for myself by trying on and doing research!

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 26/02/2015 15:41

That's it CallMeMaybe - I knew I had deBeers in my head for a reason!

HubertCumberdale · 26/02/2015 15:41

If my OH proposed with a ring that cost £1.5k, I'd think it was such a waste! I'd probably want to take it back, get a cheaper one, and put the money toward something useful.
But each to his own so YANBU.
Having said that, it sounds like you have a very sensible hubby to be, congratulations.

Perfectlypurple · 26/02/2015 15:44

Why don't you tell him you would rather he thought about what you might like and ask him to go out and pick one, although that may not be that easy as he now knows you want platinum.

TheRealMaryMillington · 26/02/2015 15:49

YABU to let this matter so much and to let this get in the way of being happy.

I'm with Lotta and Sooty upthread. TBH I don't see the point of being "engaged" - just get married if you are going to.

Pokeymont · 26/02/2015 15:49

I waited years and years after our marriage until I got my 'engagement' ring. Let's just say it was worth the wait. .

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