Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disappointed not to have an engagement ring?

299 replies

finlaythecat · 26/02/2015 14:40

My partner popped the question on Christmas eve and we are over the moon. He made a homemade ring for the occasion which I love and which will always be 'The Ring' but is not suitable to actually wear.

We went ring shopping together in early January and he had no idea about cost of rings so it was all quite a suprise to him! I would like a platinum ring so I can wear it every day and my job is quite hands on. The rings we've looked at have been around £1000-£1500.

We have a good amount of savings and several of the jewellers we went into offer payment in installments etc. However, DP has said he doesnt want to use any of our savings and does not want to buy it on credit. We are not badly off financially and hopefully in May he will be becoming a partner in his business, leading to a big salary increase.

In the mean time we are paying to have several rooms plastered, carpeted etc and our garden cleared.

AIBU to be sad about not having a ring 2 months down the line and that everything else is taking priority financially? I know I sound like a complete spoiled brat and it is a big luxury but I feel like he is not interested at all.

OP posts:
rosierainbow1 · 28/02/2015 21:13

It is up to you, but we have been engaged/married since our teenage years. We were both teen bride and groom but Dh still did the whole decent ring, lived on beans on toast for the month to afford it. I think it is nice

soverylucky · 28/02/2015 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuggersMuddle · 28/02/2015 21:25

I think for some people, it is deeply symbolic and therefore it can be a reason to call things off, because if you are wedded to the symbolism, but your DP is utterly pragmatic, this could spill over into a mismatch in other areas.

I am not, btw suggesting that this is in any way the case here at all (and from what the OP has posted I don't think it is). I am merely saying that I can see why it could be an indicator of incompatibility.

FWIW, big ring aside, DP and I have intended to marry for years, but do have our arses covered legally so there was no rush. For many of those years, re-plastering, fitting windows and furnishing the family home took priority - for both of us.

rosierainbow1 · 28/02/2015 21:27

For me I just find it romantic that dh sacrificed his own needs to buy me a lovely ring. It has recently valued at 1600 for insurance, but he paid 675. Back then thought that was a lot as his full time wage was 880. It depends if you like jewellery I suppose. I have eternity ring, wedding ring and my earrings for our first wedding anniversary that I never, ever take off. I thought it was sweet with the earrings as he secretly went and sold something very important to him to get the money for them. I do think it is all really sweet

soverylucky · 28/02/2015 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squoosh · 28/02/2015 21:30

YANBU.

Sounds like DP us used to getting the final say.

rosierainbow1 · 28/02/2015 21:32

I suppose it depends on the style you like.

squoosh · 28/02/2015 21:32

And £1000 doesn't sound like a huge amount of money at all for a piece of jewellery you intend to wear for the rest of your life.

soverylucky · 28/02/2015 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fauxlivia · 28/02/2015 21:32

It's not really about the cost of the ring though is it? It's about this being important to the OP and him not recognising the symbolism she places on it/being unwilling to spend a bit of money doing something which will make her happy.

You'd have to be living on another planet to not know that getting engaged usually leads to buying a ring so I am amazed the thought never crossed his mind and thid is highlighting very different attitudes towards money.

No one is saying she should end an engagement over a bit of metal, not really, but over wildly differing attitudes towards money/unwillingness to do something so important to the OP, then maybe!

soverylucky · 28/02/2015 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsVanRein · 28/02/2015 21:35

YANBU - the symbolism of the ring is obviously important to you and he should recognise that.

Fwiw I don't think £1000-£1500 is extortionate either. Obviously it's relative but I'd say that's a fairly average spend on an engagement ring.

Marynary · 28/02/2015 21:36

It's not really about the cost of the ring though is it? It's about this being important to the OP and him not recognising the symbolism she places on it/being unwilling to spend a bit of money doing something which will make her happy.

Maybe he would if she told him how important it is to her. He may not realise.

AmyElliotDunne · 28/02/2015 21:37

It's not about a piece of metal, it's about a broken promise. Op's fiancé took her shopping for a ring then bailed when he saw how expensive they were. He's now dragging his heels about getting one at all, despite being in a financial position to buy one which OP would love.

I'm not saying LTB, but there is a fundamental problem with his attitude towards something which holds importance on many levels to OP; the symbolic engagement signifier, the different financial priorities, the lack of commitment to something which had been previously agreed, the lack of any sign of compromise from either party.

None of us are in a position to judge how any of this was said, how much enthusiasm he has shown toward any of this, how genuine was his original intention/surprise at the cost of rings etc but I don't think it hurts to say "if it's important to you then it needs to become important to him".

If it's his way or no way, then that is something that needs taking seriously.

Philoslothy · 28/02/2015 23:23

I love jewellery, that is why I worked to get a good job so I could buy it, rather than relying on a man to judge my worth in diamonds

PeppermintCrayon · 01/03/2015 00:41

YABU to want such an expensive ring - start with a budget and look within that.

My engagement ring cost £250 and its white gold and beautiful.

squoosh · 01/03/2015 00:42

'Expensive' is very subjective.

holidaysarenice · 01/03/2015 01:07

It's not a huge amount to spend on a ring.

It may be peanuts to some and millions to others. That is beside the point.

You want a ring, you hve equal say in those savings.

ToffeeCaramel · 01/03/2015 01:21

OP Did you talk it through with your dp in the end and decide what to do about the ring?

mildlyacquiescent · 01/03/2015 05:58

"Rectrospective" made me cry with laughter.

What a load of toss.

Buy it yourself if you want a fancy, overpriced piece of frippery, but for God's sake don't pretend it has anything to do with your love for your intended.

rosierainbow1 · 01/03/2015 07:28

Philoslothy - I have a job that pays 4x dhs. I still like him buying me all my jewellery.

TweeStuff · 01/03/2015 08:11

mildlyacquiescent. Shock Why does it bother you so much what other people do? I got my ring after we married - so what?

Lottapianos · 01/03/2015 08:27

Flora, thanks for your post. I was sort of aware of the history of asking father's permission - I was wondering WTF anyone is doing behaving like this in 2015 Wink

Can't quite believe that someone said it was 'sweet' that their DP had to live on beans on toast for a month in order to afford a ring for her. The thought of my DP struggling in any way to buy a fancy bauble for my finger is just grim

MsVanRein · 01/03/2015 08:53

Philoslothy - do you politely decline all gifts based on that premise?

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 01/03/2015 09:18

I don't understand the month's salary thing as I have never been in a position where I had a month's salary spare - it's always needed to pay the bills!

My engagement ring cost £160, I chose one that was affordable. It's a unique shape and we had the wedding ring made to fit it, still only 9ct gold so only about £300 for both of them together. To me, that's a lot of money for jewellery! I think we had a vague idea that ten or twenty years down the line I might get a fancier ring but honestly, I can't see that if we ever had £1500-£2000 to spare that I could countenance it going on a ring just for me. I'd always choose a holiday or some home improvements or something. An engagement ring isn't enormously important to me. If it was, however, and we were spending a grand or so on one I'd never choose a platinum and diamond one like everyone else has! They look so boring and unimaginative. The women I know with really lovely, eye catching rings have different stones like sapphires. I don't get the diamond thing at all.