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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disappointed not to have an engagement ring?

299 replies

finlaythecat · 26/02/2015 14:40

My partner popped the question on Christmas eve and we are over the moon. He made a homemade ring for the occasion which I love and which will always be 'The Ring' but is not suitable to actually wear.

We went ring shopping together in early January and he had no idea about cost of rings so it was all quite a suprise to him! I would like a platinum ring so I can wear it every day and my job is quite hands on. The rings we've looked at have been around £1000-£1500.

We have a good amount of savings and several of the jewellers we went into offer payment in installments etc. However, DP has said he doesnt want to use any of our savings and does not want to buy it on credit. We are not badly off financially and hopefully in May he will be becoming a partner in his business, leading to a big salary increase.

In the mean time we are paying to have several rooms plastered, carpeted etc and our garden cleared.

AIBU to be sad about not having a ring 2 months down the line and that everything else is taking priority financially? I know I sound like a complete spoiled brat and it is a big luxury but I feel like he is not interested at all.

OP posts:
binspin · 01/03/2015 09:27

I had the cheapest engagement ring from argos and wore it for 15 years.
The ring lastest longer than the marriage.

binspin · 01/03/2015 09:29

Forgot to say I'd be happy with a haribo ring from my new partner.

ArcheryAnnie · 01/03/2015 09:40

Good grief, this is all a bit retro. If you are so keen on a particular bit of jewelery, buy it yourself. (You also, of course, make no mention of the engagement ring you have bought him.)

Engagement rings only became the thing they are now in the late nineteenth century, when the De Beers mining company went all-out in advertising to keep their industry's worth high. It isn't a measure of your love, it's a measure of how much worth you place on traditions created by victorian advertising campaigns.

payuktaxrichardbranson · 01/03/2015 09:49

I think youshould get a nice engagement ring as much as you can afford in fact. If you don't spend the money now you won't spend it later when you have kids to spend it on. And I bought my dh some gold cufflinks as his present.so it wasn't one way.

thatsucks · 01/03/2015 09:51

I think there are separate issues here.

I have a beautiful diamond eternity ring bought a few years after our wedding and am getting a solitaire diamond ring (so, basically an engagement ring) for our 25th anniversary this month.

I couldn't care less whether it's 'wrong' or 'pointless' to get an expensive rock at this point. I love diamonds, I love being married to my husband and we have the money.

All this '£XX is a ridiculous or not ridiculous amount to spend' is a a non sensical argument because it's what you can afford and what your priorities are.

rosierainbow1 · 01/03/2015 09:56

Lotta - yeah I do think it is sweet. He had known me a month and did that in secret. Then we got engaged the next month, and married the following year. He is one in a million

fatlazymummy · 01/03/2015 10:10

The OP needs to discuss this with her fiance, and decide on a budget they are both comfortable with then find a ring within that budget.
Neither of them are right or wrong. They just have different views on the value and significance of jewellry. People view jewellry (especially engagement rings) differently, as we have seen on this thread. To some it's just a piece of metal that looks pretty (I come into this category), to others it's their most valued possession.
I think the OP also needs to ask why her fiance is happy to spend money on home improvements instead? Perhaps having a nice comfortable home and being free of debt is deeply important and symbolic to him.

Philoslothy · 01/03/2015 11:02

My husband buys me jewellery but I would not expect him to simply because he has a penis and I have a vagina. When we decided to get married we did not have the money for a ring and what spare money he had was needed for his son. Quite frankly if I had stamped my feet and said " I won't marry you unless you buy me a ring" he would have walked away

rosierainbow1 · 01/03/2015 11:12

That is different because he already had a child with someone else philoslothy.

rosierainbow1 · 01/03/2015 11:13

I didn't stamp my feet either Hmm I doubt anyone would do this.

Murphy29 · 01/03/2015 11:16

Lottapianos - I don't see the WTF about father's permission at all. DH did this when we got engaged 5 years ago and I'd have been a bit sad if he hadn't. It's a nice way of including my DF and all my engaged friends felt the same. It doesn't mean we all see ourselves as being 'owned', we just like a bit of tradition.

All the proposals have been on one knee and accompanied by a ring too Smile

fuzzle · 01/03/2015 11:30

ghmoore.co.uk/Diamond_Rings/Palladium_Single_Stone_Rings/DIA163/2/134/2670 I had written a beautiful post leading to this link. It disappeared so I'm sending the link! In sum fair enough you want an actual ring but fair enough he doesn't feel he can spend over a grand on it at the moment. Pick a cheaper ring for now or wait. Try looking at diamond wedding bands to be used as an engagement ring also as cheaper. And congrats on the engagement!

ToffeeCaramel · 01/03/2015 11:35

fatlazymummy sums up exactly what I think. They need to meet each other half way.

MonkeySeeMonkeyDooo · 01/03/2015 11:40

Has the OP been back?

froggyjump · 01/03/2015 11:41

My engagement ring was £75 - we were both students at the time. I wear it all the time, bed, shower, washing up etc etc, and I work in SN education so masses amounts of paint, clay, gardening every week too! I have had it for 23 years and it still looks great.

I get that it is important to you to have a ring, but it doesn't have to be an expensive one to last well.

Philoslothy · 01/03/2015 11:42

Raiserainbow, there are posters in here who are saying that a lack of ring would make them reconsider a marriage, that seems to be feet stamping to me.

Tbh regardless of his son i don't think I would have wanted an engagement ring. We don't wear our wedding rings either. I do have other jewellery, some of which DH has bought. But there is something about engagement rings that sits very uneasily with me,

TheListingAttic · 01/03/2015 12:11

I guess it's a personal thing, so YANBU. But I can't understand the importance of rings. My wedding ring cost about £100 and I've worn it daily for the 5.5 years we've been married with no ill-effects (and no replating needed). Didn't ever have an engagement ring. Our life together - including all the boring stuff like having savings, replastered rooms, mortgage payments, cinema trips, being able to buy stuff for dinner without worrying about it, etc - have always been far more important to both of us than a ring that supposedly "said something" about our life together, either as a married couple or for the brief period as an engaged couple. If you can afford it, then get whatever you want, but I find it odd that people prioritise a bit of jewellery over the more practical aspects of a comfy life together. Sounds like your fiance has his head screwed on right and that'll stand you in much better stead over the years than taking the advice of sales people looking to sell you something tinselly!

Viviennemary · 01/03/2015 12:15

I think you should have a ring if you want one. But there is absolutely no need to spend as much as £1K.

mrsgooglemad · 01/03/2015 12:37

My engagement ring is 18c White gold and my wedding ring (which was especially made) is 9c White gold- purely because this was a cheaper way to have my perfect individual wedding ring. It's set with stones and four years on still looks like new!

My friend has a platinum ring that is very easily scratched.

mrsgooglemad · 01/03/2015 12:38

And no yanbu!

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 01/03/2015 13:12

Im sorry but i do not agree that £1500 is an obscene amount its a perfectly goot starting point.

Op if you can go to lomdon try alan bick he is based in hatton garden and rather than a shop he has an office( a lot of the jewish dothere) # lots of the diamonds workers are there. He will do you a ring a trade price. We went for our wedding rings there mine costme £850 and he will privde youyou with and insurance certificate and sum for retail is was around the £3000 mark. Womderful jewelry maker and we will go back again! He cam get and make you anhthing you want including stones that are not diamonds but rubies etc

mypoorbottee · 01/03/2015 13:31

£1500 is a good starting point? hahaha

ToffeeCaramel · 01/03/2015 13:44

Problem is the op's dp does think it's an obscene amount!