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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disappointed not to have an engagement ring?

299 replies

finlaythecat · 26/02/2015 14:40

My partner popped the question on Christmas eve and we are over the moon. He made a homemade ring for the occasion which I love and which will always be 'The Ring' but is not suitable to actually wear.

We went ring shopping together in early January and he had no idea about cost of rings so it was all quite a suprise to him! I would like a platinum ring so I can wear it every day and my job is quite hands on. The rings we've looked at have been around £1000-£1500.

We have a good amount of savings and several of the jewellers we went into offer payment in installments etc. However, DP has said he doesnt want to use any of our savings and does not want to buy it on credit. We are not badly off financially and hopefully in May he will be becoming a partner in his business, leading to a big salary increase.

In the mean time we are paying to have several rooms plastered, carpeted etc and our garden cleared.

AIBU to be sad about not having a ring 2 months down the line and that everything else is taking priority financially? I know I sound like a complete spoiled brat and it is a big luxury but I feel like he is not interested at all.

OP posts:
DeBeers · 26/02/2015 22:35

Then tell OH it's a gentle reminder and also gives him an idea of the size of rock you're after Grin

bugsyburge · 26/02/2015 22:56

if you can get yourself to the jewellery quarter in Birmingham you would probably pay half the price (if not more!!) of the shops. they are working jewellers & the quality is excellent

WineListPlease · 26/02/2015 23:14

It's an insane amount of money to spend on a ring!

How long will he have to save for the wedding ring?

DeBeers · 26/02/2015 23:25

The amount is relative to his/their earnings and outgoings. IMO you can't judge if it is an unreasonable figure without knowing the couple's earnings, debts and other commitments. Having a rough idea of what my circle of friends spent on rings I don't think it is out of the ordinary, but really can't say if don't know their income. OP did say he was due a large promotion and pay increase.

RatMort · 26/02/2015 23:35

From the information the OP has given, her partner doesn't feel it's a reasonable sum, so surely that's his prerogative? As I said above, I wouldn't be wild about a partner hanging about eyeing up diamond cuff links and bringing pressure on me to spend our combined savings on a piece of Highly Symbolic jewellery for him.

XLIX · 26/02/2015 23:36

OP, my lovely engagement ring came from a jeweler who sold mostly new things but also accepted some very high quality rings from well known customers looking to trade up. I got my gorgeous ring at an excellent price and some other woman recycled her ring and got a bigger rock or new husband.. Perhaps you might find a similar ( trustworthy) jeweler near you..

ToffeeCaramel · 27/02/2015 07:30

Are there no rings you like that cost less than 1K? It seems that he just thinks it's too much to spend on a ring, not that he doesn't want you to have a ring you like. I do see where he's coming from. Or could you say "Here's £500, can you pay the rest so we can get a ring?"

Scotchmincepie · 27/02/2015 08:02

I rarely wear mine. Feel a bit bad about it!

machair · 27/02/2015 08:14

Are you on the same (or similar) wavelength when it comes to financial matters?

Custardcream14 · 27/02/2015 08:24

I don't think he should have proposed without doing a lot of research on rings. 1-1.5 is not too expensive.

jennymac · 27/02/2015 08:31

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It does sound like you can afford it and to be honest, I think it is something your dp should have thought about before proposing. When I got engaged, we were relatively young and didn't have much money but dh stretched himself to save for my ring (which is also platinum) and I really appreciated the effort he made. Also, in the grand scheme of things 1000 to 1500 is not a lot of money for something you are going to be wearing every day for the next 40 to 50 years. I wouldn't compromise if that is what you really want.

ToffeeCaramel · 27/02/2015 09:49

Is this just about the ring or are you on a different page about other spending such as the wedding?

Flambola · 27/02/2015 10:24

Maybe you'll get your ring in May.

I don't know how much my ring cost but I love it. My DH put a lot of thought into it. I know it has diamonds and is white gold but that's it!

notnaice · 27/02/2015 10:37

I don't buy or let DH buy, expensive jewellery generally as I see it as a bit of waste of money however, an engagement ring is going to be on your finger all your life hopefully and I wanted a decent one for that reason.

Other jewellery I would say YABU.
Engagement/wedding rings YANBU.

Who wants to look at those rings everyday of your life and feel regret?

Winglet · 27/02/2015 12:19

YANBU. This is a once in a lifetime piece of jewellery that you will wear every day. (I don't know anyone who doesn't wear them everyday either) Unless you're getting married very quickly I think it's unusual NOT to have an engagement ring. It's always the first thing people ask about.

I agree with the posters above who pointed out that if he can't shell out for something so important to you at this special point in your life, it isn't a great sign for the long term? Especially when he has savings. You should speak to him again, I hope you get the sparkly beauty you want OP.

PeasinPod1 · 27/02/2015 15:00

Im taken aback at how many have said oh it doesn’t matter/don’t see the fuss with engagement rings/wouldn’t want one etc. etc…

No-one engaged/married I’ve ever come across hasn’t received a ring and hasn’t loved it.
If you have an issue with a ring as some sort of feminists stance, then surely you should disprove of him popping he question in the 1st place , as why should this also be left to the man? Why not question every other little symbol/step that occurs from engagement to the wedding and the majority of all women getting married worldwide have and accept and enjoy yet you are trying to pull apart as being unusual or odd?!

The engagement ring can actually be traced back to ancient Rome!

IMO it’s a beautiful romantic gesture and token. Who honestly wouldn't like to get a beautiful ring, thoughtfully chosen by the man she loves and wear this with pride on her fingers is beyond me. Means there is someone out there who loves and adores her and to whom she is so special that he has bought her this gorgeous token to represent his love.

I would’ve been very upset if my DH hadn't paid any significance to this/overlooked it and not put some thought and care into it. The fact is he did and I have a beautiful ruing I adore looking at 4 years later and no point in the rest of my life I’m sure will I receive, or expect to receive anything this valuable, precious and expensive (object wise) so I am always so grateful that it’s there.

chasingtherainbow · 27/02/2015 15:22

I haven't read tft sorry.. but just Inc. Consider unplated 18k white gold. Same colour as platinum and no re dipping.

Btw. Yanbu.

cingolimama · 27/02/2015 18:03

Goodness there's some sanctimonious rubbish on this thread. Insane amount of money! Obscene! Huh? Are we to spend no money at all unless it's on absolute essentials? And then there's the" it's all marketing by DeBeers" and "it's sexist". Oh, please.

The only reasonable questions are 1) can they can afford it? (and OP certainly gives the impression that they can) and 2) will it give OP pleasure?

MoustacheofRonSwanson · 27/02/2015 18:06

cingolimama well said!

MatildaTheCat · 27/02/2015 18:18

OP YANBU. Getting engaged does imply a ring and since you plan and hope to wear it for the rest of your life it should be both nice and durable. My 18c gold ring has lasted these past 25 years no problem so don't fret too much about that.

For those thinking it's obscene, it really isn't. Nice jewellery is expensive. Decent quality stones, good settings etc do cost a lot. But will give pleasure for ever. Do however insist on ethical diamonds. (Watch Blood Diamonds).

Tell him straight you want a ring,surely part of the fun is wafting your glittery hand around? Grin

Post a picture, please.

Creatureofthenight · 27/02/2015 18:21

My engagement ring is platinum. It is antique and cost, I think, £550. Don't know what it would have cost new, prob over £1500. Why not go and have a look at antique rings? You can get some really beautiful, unusual ones.
I wear mine every day, with my wedding band, as do most married women I know.

Thumbwitch · 27/02/2015 18:23

I think most people do wear their engagement/wedding rings every day. If you divide the cost of the ring by the number of days you're likely to wear it, the value-for-money aspect becomes far more obvious!

Likeaninjanow · 27/02/2015 18:39

When we bought my engagement ring, we had no money as we were renovating a house. 10 years later, my husband surprised me with the ring he said I should always have had & it's beautiful. I'm so glad we didn't slash out money we couldn't afford back then. Some things are worth waiting for, and it honestly gives me joy every day, as I do appreciate it.

museumum · 27/02/2015 18:43

Mine is white gold and I get it replated every two years or so for twenty quid.

museumum · 27/02/2015 18:44

I found platinum too heavy to wear two on the same finger.