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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disappointed not to have an engagement ring?

299 replies

finlaythecat · 26/02/2015 14:40

My partner popped the question on Christmas eve and we are over the moon. He made a homemade ring for the occasion which I love and which will always be 'The Ring' but is not suitable to actually wear.

We went ring shopping together in early January and he had no idea about cost of rings so it was all quite a suprise to him! I would like a platinum ring so I can wear it every day and my job is quite hands on. The rings we've looked at have been around £1000-£1500.

We have a good amount of savings and several of the jewellers we went into offer payment in installments etc. However, DP has said he doesnt want to use any of our savings and does not want to buy it on credit. We are not badly off financially and hopefully in May he will be becoming a partner in his business, leading to a big salary increase.

In the mean time we are paying to have several rooms plastered, carpeted etc and our garden cleared.

AIBU to be sad about not having a ring 2 months down the line and that everything else is taking priority financially? I know I sound like a complete spoiled brat and it is a big luxury but I feel like he is not interested at all.

OP posts:
squoosh · 01/03/2015 13:49

I think the OP needs to have a long chat with fiancee to make sure they're on the same financial page and also on the same page re. making joint decisions. No one wants a Victorian husband laying down the law.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/03/2015 15:16

Problem is the op's dp does think it's an obscene amount!

I stood I,n the supermarket earlier listening to a bloke bitch at his wife about the cost of almost every single item she put in the trolley from washing up liquid to bacon. His head was almost on fire by the time they got to the checkouts.

bettertomorrow · 01/03/2015 15:25

Congrats

The idea is, your only going to get married once. And if it is a ring you have always wanted, and looked forward to, then explain that to him and get one. Men, dont really get it, they just look at the ring, as jewellery. Something they just look at rationally. But if it is about them getting a car, now that is a different matter. They will justify spending the extra thousand of £ to get it. Well, I guess you can do it to. Cus when the timesget rough, they will looking at you to sell off your jewellery to keep them ticking over. Gold silver etc... is really another method of investment, as well as a sentimental one.

Go and buy one, its not really that expensive.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 01/03/2015 15:40

I don't think you are being reasonable.

I don't think £1000/1500 is excessive at all, but that is on the basis of my financial situation. If it is excessive in your financial situation, then perhaps considering bringing it more in line with would be acceptable.

Platinum is beautiful and long standing. I love mine. Shines beautifully five years if hard were later.

I think your fiancé sounds a bit thoughtless, and I would find that a very unappealing trait in someone I was planning to spend there rest of my life with.

mildlyacquiescent · 01/03/2015 15:49

TweeStuff An engagement ring has nothing to do with love or marriage, as evidenced by this thread. The OP[ost] is about as romantic as a toilet seat.

A "rectrospective" [sic] engagement ring is possibly the daftest thing I have heard of on here. It's a ring purchased after your engagement has ended, so, therefore, properly termed a "ring." And what's wrong with calling it that?

I have my great-grandmother's engagement ring, which was given to me some time after my wedding by my grandfather, right at the end of his iife. It means the world to me for sentimental reasons. Although I wear it every day on my ring finger, beside my wedding ring, it would never occur to me to call it my engagement ring.

  1. because the concept is pretty damn unpleasant, if only women wear them and men don't, and
  2. it wasn't bought for me at the commencement of my engagement, which, like them or loathe them, is what engagement rings actually are, surely.

If my husband had bought into any of this shiet, or had thought I needed an "eternity" ring after giving birth (ffs! if you are blessed with a baby, what the hell else do you need in life, really?!), well, he wouldn't have been the man I married. It's all so meaningless and crass.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 01/03/2015 16:26

Mildly, your post is so contradictory.

On the one hand scathing,utterly scathing, of engagement rings and everything about them.

On the other hand, you talk of your great grandmother's engagement ring fondly and don't piss all over her having one, do you?

And of course you wouldn't call it your engagement ring. Unless of course your husband is your grandfather?

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 01/03/2015 16:33

I am curious about why you are so vehemently against engagement rings, and yet you choose to wear the ring on your ring finger next to your wedding ring. To all intents and purposes it looks like you are wearing an engagement ring. If you are truly so anti engagement ring, why wear if on the finger, next to your wedding ring? You have seven other options!

ToffeeCaramel · 01/03/2015 16:43

I wonder if op is still reading. Even if I'd bowed out of a thread, I'd not be able to resist reading a mumsnet thread that was about me and my dp and our situation, but maybe the op has more willpower than I do!

evelynj · 01/03/2015 16:46

What about carat? I'd highly rec a look-wish I'd got one of theirs rather than an expensive one

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/03/2015 16:57

my ring was over £1k 9yrs ago - but dh chose it and proposed with it, tho we had gone ring shopping before with me, so

i totally understand why you want a ring, but if you/dp cant afford the one you want then needs to be cheaper

kittensinmydinner · 01/03/2015 17:00

I am of the opinion that Engagement rings are more about the moment and the romance than something 'expensive' that is expected. My dH proposed whilst a we were away in a beautiful part of the country, the same afternoon we were wandering around an antiques market and I saw a beautiful sapphire/ diamond combo, really unusual design. It cost under £300 and means more to me than any other piece of expensive jewellery that he has bought for me since because it symbolises the time and the place. Anyone with the money can buy a fancy ring, it doesn't , mean anything other than you have the money to buy it unless there is some other emotional value to it.

YouAreAngryyyyyyyy · 01/03/2015 19:16

mildlyacquiescent Why on earth do you care what other people choose to call their rings? I find it a bit peculiar Hmm.

We didn't have time to buy an engagement ring before we got married so decided to get one afterwards. I now have a beautiful ring that we choose together that I love. It's up to me and my DH what it means to us and I'll call it whatever I want.

ArcheryAnnie · 01/03/2015 19:40

Wait, what, mildly? You are supposed to get a ring after a baby? I hadn't heard of that one.

RatMort · 02/03/2015 12:27

Archery, the 'push present' counted in carats and precious metal, is a charming new tradition, hadnt you heard? Grin Then again, I first came across this notion in Dubai expat circles, hardly known for their unmaterialistic concerns. And also noteworthy for 'traditions' such as everyone having in their living rooms a giant identical soft-focus bare-bumped photo taken in late pregnancy on the beach, with the prospective father and/or older children making awed 'wow' faces at the bump.

Buglife · 02/03/2015 12:45

Gold doesn't dissolve you know. I have a 18ct gold engagement ring which cost £180 13 years ago and it looks exactly the same. What are you, a builder?! All rings are expected to receive a normal level of wear and tear. It's amethyst with two teeny diamonds. I like colour better than a diamond solitaire. Also if he prioritises your home over one ring I think it's a good sign!

MillyMollyMama · 02/03/2015 14:19

My DH coughed up for a cheap engagement ring 34 years ago and it still looks cheap. I no longer wear it and have replaced it with something considerably better, but secondhand. Much better value. I would now think twice about marrying someone who cannot be bothered to agree what sort of ring you would like. If a woman says she does not care, then ok, but if a man knows she does care, then it is different. My DH could have afforded more but he didn't want to and bought what he could get away with. When it came to babies, he paid a lot more!!!! Is he going to be cheap about everything? He'll be getting married in a boiler suit next!

BreakingDad77 · 02/03/2015 14:31

I know I sound like a complete spoiled brat and it is a big luxury but I feel like he is not interested at all

Oh yes you are and no that has no bearing on him, well unless your both higher rate taxpayers.

ArcheryAnnie · 02/03/2015 14:41

RatMort

I mean, I am always happy to be given precious metals, but not when some bloody ad agency tells the present-giver to!

allshineon · 02/03/2015 14:58

Some beautiful pre-owned rings out there...www.segalsjewellers.co.uk/products/details/20341.html?adid=4300&aditem=20341&dyadid=4484

stupidgreatgrinonmyface · 08/03/2015 10:51

But you do have a ring - you have the one he spent time making for you, the one that is worth so much more than one any amount of cash could buy because it is made and given with love. It sounds as though what you really want is something to flash around to announce your 'engaged' status. It sounds as though your DP is very financially 'grounded' - he is ensuring your home is comfortable and that you do not go into debt for something that would be nice, but not a necessity.

Like your DP, my DH was not prepared to go into debt for a piece of jewellery. I know he loves me because he worked extra hard so I was able to be a SAHM when our DCs were very young, I am now able to work in a job which I love even though not well paid, our home is warm and comfortable because my DH is not given to flashy gestures. And I got a beautiful, tasteful small diamond ring when we celebrated our silver wedding anniversary a few years ago.

Honestly, what you already have is far more precious than that ring you want!

Preciousbane · 08/03/2015 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fauxlivia · 08/03/2015 17:31

Have recently discovered etsy and there are some lovely rings for less than £1000.

I have my eye on a gorgeous morganite one even though I have more rings than fingers!

TheBooMonster · 08/03/2015 18:25

My husband bought me a 'promise ring' (his idea, i was reluctant because I was fairly certain the cheep cheerful ring would eventually turn into my engagement ring in his head, turns out I'm psychic!) whilst we were at uni, cheep cheerful £20 and at the time we looked at and agreed upon a proper engagement ring, I never did get that engagement ring, and even when we were looking at wedding ring he still swore blind he would buy me the engagement ring we'd looked at (we'd gone to the jewellers and they still did it) however 2 years on from the wedding I no longer wear the promise ring (as a cheep cheerful ring it wasn't built for longevity and the setting on it was scratching our DD and I refused to wear something that was causing her to bleed!) and all mention of my fabled engagement ring causes him to act like I've made a ring up in my head Hmm so if he's agreed to get you an engagement ring you can wear and you really do want it, make sure he gets it before you get married!

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