MIL is just awful. At my wits end

[mollygx]

I've been with my partner now for 3 years and I've never gotten along with his mother, she's gave me a hard time since day one.
His older brother is married and she gave his wife trouble for 8 years until they got married and she fell pregnant with he granddaughter which she then realised it needed to stop.
I could walk on water and she would say it's because I can't swim, I have never actually done anything to upset this woman, I have never said anything to her that would make her hate me as much as she does.
Her life is that sad she gets involved in mine and my partners relationship, any argument we have. She had to put her ten pence in all the time, We've had a few run ins but I've always tried to be polite an let it go over my head at the end of the day this is his mum I can't change that.
She kicked off on me on Christmas eve in the pub because she had a bottle of wine and I haven't been to her house since, apparently I'm not allowed round because I'm rude. She has actually banished me from her house, my partner still lives at home and so do I. So we spend all our time here because or her.

she went to visit her other son for the weekend and we decided to spend the weekend their to have some time alone. I took 2 bottles of wine and she has drank them when she returned home since I left them in her fridge, no text to ask me or anything. They weren't cheap either. So she doesn't like me but she's okay drinking something that belongs to me.

I text her to confront her and she has rang my partner calling me all the names under the sun. I'm at the point where I love him but it's getting so difficult she's making my life very hard and it's causing friction between us, because I don't feel like he's putting her in her place, he will say something to her then go back on his word. He always allows her to have her own way because it's easier, so he will say yes that's fine, yes yes yes! He runs around after her and she relies on him for anything and everything and he does it for her! and I'm sat here wondering am I wasting my time? He has made plans with me and then turned up really late because he promised to pick her on a Saturday night, which is our night to have a takeaway or go for a drink
It's getting ridiculous.
I appreciate she's his mum but you've gotta draw the line somewhere.
How am I ever gonna have a future when she will never accept me?

Any ideas anyone ?!

Maybe I'm being unfair, but reading between the lines I'm getting the impression that this mightn't be totally one sided and the overall narrative might be more complex than you're making out.

Ok, just going by what you have said there, your problem is with your boyfriend not his mother really. The isn't a great example really, it's a minor thing, if there is win in my fridge then I can drink it would be my thinking really, I think you don't like her and are reading too much into that one personally.

But the being late and running around after her is your boyfriends problem really not hers. Her getting involved in your relationship can only be because he is telling her things. Are you rude? You might be and not realise it, are you sure it's not a case of you heard what she was like with the sil and are assuming she is the same with you for the same reasons?

**The wine isn't a great example

Um I'm not sure that it is all her.

You state your DP needs to "put her in her place"! If my grown up DS ever did that to me I'd hit the roof. Especially if he was still living with me.

You left your wine there so you texted her to confront her. If you didn't want it drunk, you shouldn't have left it there. Like you said it's not like you go over there.

Saturdays are always your night. Does your DP actually agree or does he do as he's told by you?

I suggest you look at your own attitude first. Why can't you live together if you have been together for 3 years?

How old are the two of you? Because young and still living in her house? She probably feels that some things are her business. And yes, I might have drunk the wine!

Yes you have a problem with your boyfriend's mother (she is NOT your MIL), but you have a BIGGER problem with your boyfriend.

If you are still living at home because you are very young, then move on now. It's not your job to help him grow up, it's his job. You concentrate on yourself.

If you're both older and living at home, I'm hoping it's just to save money. But if she's like this and he is still living at home then I question his independence. In many ways he LIKES her involvement, so it will always be Her vs You.

Do you REALLY want this battle for your WHOLE life? Is it worth it????!!!

I'd find someone either with a nicer mother, or who is learning to stand up to their mother ON THEIR OWN.

"If you're both older and living at home, I'm hoping it's just to save money".

Why?

If you lived together these things would be solved.

Given that you know you're not allowed in her house, when exactly were you planning on drinking the wine that you left there, at her house?

I think you left it there on purpose, a kind of "ha, I've been in your house" and I'd like to hear the other side of the story.

Stop arguing in front of her would be my advice. You sound very petty and that's just from your version of events. If you're not going to her house to get away from her then why were you there? I don't think I would like that; if my child's partner had a problem with me and wasn't coming to the house anymore then I wouldn't want them there in my absence either.

The wine thing sounds ridiculous, sorry.

"So she doesn't like me but she's okay drinking something that belongs to me."

And you don't like her but you're happy enough to stay in her house!

Perhaps she thought that the wine was a thank you for letting you stay there, or your boyfriend said she could have it?

Can I ask how old you both are?
I can't imagine expecting a partner to put his mother 'in her place' unless there had a been a massive problem involving birth, death or marriage. It's just a huge ask of him and their relationship would have to be really bad. You say that Saturday is your evening together; does he spend the other 6 at home with his Mum? If so, I think you may need to reassess who is the biggest influence in your BFs life.

This all sounds terribly childish and that may be because both you and your partner are still living at home and are incapable of behaving like mature, independent adults.

What you've written here you seem to be looking for ammunition for a fight so you can force your partner into a confrontation with his mother, you then want him to choose you over her so you can walk off smugly with your 'prize'.

You texted her to confront her over two bottles of wine that you left in her fridge?

YABU and very childish

Clockingoff - because if you're older and still living at home just because it's convenient it would show a serious lack of independence.

If there were OTHER reasons to still live at home, such as cultural reasons, I think the OP would have mentioned it as she was fairly thorough.

She is not your mother in law, she is your boyfriends mother. They are not the same thing. He still lives in her house. She doesn't like you. You allow her to become involved in your arguments. You communicate with her by text. You and your boyfriend sound like teenagers quibbling over a couple of bottles of wine. Grow up. If you don't like her then do not go to her house and do not text her. Simple.

How old are you op? You sound like a teenager.

She is not your mil btw.

If wine had been left in my fridge I would have drunk it too. You are being silly with that one. If you wanted the wine for yourself then why did you not take it home with you? That would have been the logical solution.

If your partner still lives at home with his mother then he does largely have to observe her rules. The rest comes when you move out to your own place. I would not stand for being "put in my place" in my own home. Open to negotiation and flexibility sometimes, yes, but not "put in my place" by my own daughters.

I agree with PP. There is a lot more to this. You sound really young and a bit princessy to be honest.

As for the wine, you shouldn't have left it in her fridge. YABU.

How do you know she drank the wine if you left it in her fridge and you aren't allowed over?
Do you think your BOYFRIEND is enjoying having you two clash over him? He's not a possession- but one thing I would say, is if he is living at home for free or very little money then it isn't unreasonable for his mum to expect some favours in return, be it the odd lift on a Saturday or some of his wine.

Problems with in laws can be hard, because there is love and hurt feelings involved, there are complex relationships with territories and emotions, and the grown ups save clashes with the in laws for the really serious stuff, not bottles of wine.

Oh dear didn't realise how nasty everyone would be..
I say MIL because it's easier to say than boyfriends mum.
I'm 21 and he's in the Royal Navy so he's based in plymouth and only comes home over the weekend. He goes away for long spurts of time so it's easier for me to stay at home.
Although he isn't at home a lot of the time he technically hasn't moved out yet.

I'm sorry but it's polite to ask before you take something that doesn't belong to you. I was at her home for the weekend because she wasn't their, so we wanted some time by ourselves away from my parents house.

I left the wine in the fridge by accident, Im not that petty to do it on purpose thanks. And when my boyfriend returns home at the weekend he would pick it up for me.

Are people choosing to ignore the fact this woman has gave me a really hard time, she has called me names, make nasty remarks about me and told me I'm not welcome in her home numerous times, she kicked off on me in a busy pub on Xmas eve and told me exactly what she thinks of me - very rude!
My boyfriend was deployed for 6 months she never offered me any support or even got in touch with me to see how I was, or how I was coping, I txt her a few times, I was ignored or got a very blunt reply. I flew out to see him and she never even asked how our holiday was, etc. she just isn't interested.

No I'm not rude, an my boyfriend never speaks to her about our business or anything that goes on between us; she just doesn't like me full stop. Regardless of what I say or do.

But I think it's extremely cheeky to banish me from your home, not spoke to me for months on end yet drink 2 full bottles of wine that she knew belonged to me without even being polite enough to get in touch.

It might sound like I'm being petty over wine but it's a lot deeper than that, this situation has been going on for a long time and something as silly as 2 bottles of wine have made me explode because I am just fed up of her behaviour she's 53 for Christ sake.

The arguments seem to be about alcohol or involve alcohol to an unusual degree.

Have you considered making alcohol less important in your life?

I'm assuming you're both around 20 here, am I right?

1. She's not your MIL.

1. He's your boyfriend - you both still live at home with your parents, and "partner" implies share responsibilities, which you don't have (thank goodness).

1. You're being ridiculous and your boyfriend should get out of the relationship, because a girlfriend who says you need to put your mother "in her place" needs to be out of your life pronto, never mind all the other red flags - oversensitivity, arguments, defensiveness, "confronting" behaviour etc. His mother is obviously already worried about her son's toxic relationship, and she is clearly right to be.

Are you old enough to buy wine?

If wine were left in my fridge I would drink it - if I even gave it a moment's thought I would probably assume it was a "thank you for letting me stay over gift" from whoever stayed. I would not assume that my son and his girlfriend (don't understand the concept of "partner" in the relationship you describe) having been told that I don't want the girl in my house, deliberately went against my wishes, and then having done so would leave stuff cluttering up my house that I was not allowed to touch!

You are a girlfriend still living with your parents, he lives with his Mum, only the most selfish, self-centred adult lives in a household but does not do things that benefit only themselves, if he lives at home to save money then his Mother is effectively subsidising him, he in turn gives her lifts When my children are at home (mostly grown and flown) - I expect them to do things for me, when I am at my parents I expect to do things for them.

He sounds like quite a nice boy trying to balance the needs of two women who both see themselves as number one in his life. You don't need her acceptance, but all the while he lives under her roof he needs to maintain a balance between the two of you. You need to respect that and be supportive of his efforts to do this - that is what a true partnership entails.