MIL is just awful. At my wits end

[mollygx]

I've been with my partner now for 3 years and I've never gotten along with his mother, she's gave me a hard time since day one.
His older brother is married and she gave his wife trouble for 8 years until they got married and she fell pregnant with he granddaughter which she then realised it needed to stop.
I could walk on water and she would say it's because I can't swim, I have never actually done anything to upset this woman, I have never said anything to her that would make her hate me as much as she does.
Her life is that sad she gets involved in mine and my partners relationship, any argument we have. She had to put her ten pence in all the time, We've had a few run ins but I've always tried to be polite an let it go over my head at the end of the day this is his mum I can't change that.
She kicked off on me on Christmas eve in the pub because she had a bottle of wine and I haven't been to her house since, apparently I'm not allowed round because I'm rude. She has actually banished me from her house, my partner still lives at home and so do I. So we spend all our time here because or her.

she went to visit her other son for the weekend and we decided to spend the weekend their to have some time alone. I took 2 bottles of wine and she has drank them when she returned home since I left them in her fridge, no text to ask me or anything. They weren't cheap either. So she doesn't like me but she's okay drinking something that belongs to me.

I text her to confront her and she has rang my partner calling me all the names under the sun. I'm at the point where I love him but it's getting so difficult she's making my life very hard and it's causing friction between us, because I don't feel like he's putting her in her place, he will say something to her then go back on his word. He always allows her to have her own way because it's easier, so he will say yes that's fine, yes yes yes! He runs around after her and she relies on him for anything and everything and he does it for her! and I'm sat here wondering am I wasting my time? He has made plans with me and then turned up really late because he promised to pick her on a Saturday night, which is our night to have a takeaway or go for a drink
It's getting ridiculous.
I appreciate she's his mum but you've gotta draw the line somewhere.
How am I ever gonna have a future when she will never accept me?

Any ideas anyone ?!

she is most likely at school

Samcro

she is most likely at school

I wish Mumsnet had a laughing crying face!

If I had banned someone from MY home and they had come behind my back and stayed in MY home while knowing I was safely away for the weekend, I would be furious! It would not be OK at all! I would have done far more than drunk the persons wine!

Welll its op BF who lives in the house and has the keys and let her in after all....I wonder if some of the rage should be pointed in his direction? Its ops son who wanted his GF there, Its not really anything to do with op, crossing into his home, its between him and his mother, and his mother should take it up with him.

OP has only been with boyfriend for three years. How would she even know what the situation is with his sister in law?

Only three years? Thats longer than some marriages!

I agree that the issue of OP staying there when banned is really between OP's boyfriend and his mother. The issue of the wine should also have been between the boyfriend and his mother though and OP should not have got involved directly (i.e. the boyfriend should have replaced it and then discussed it with his mother if he wanted to).

Welll its op BF who lives in the house and has the keys and let her in after all....I wonder if some of the rage should be pointed in his direction? Its ops son who wanted his GF there, Its not really anything to do with op, crossing into his home, its between him and his mother, and his mother should take it up with him.

Yes - but as OP said, MIL has said she doesn't want her in her house.
She should have kept away whether her boyfriend asked her to go there or not.

OP has also not explained why her boyfriend cannot go to her house.

OP left this conversation like 20 hours ago!

She stopped posting but she'll sure as hell still be reading.

He will arrange things with me and then cut it short because he has go and sort something for his mum.

This is a reasonable thing to complain about but it isn't his mum whose behaviour is problematic here; it is his. If he's committed to an evening with you, he then has to decide who to put first when she wants to disrupt it. He is choosing to put his mother first on those occasions and that is very likely to continue into you living together and marriage.

The rest can all be solved by you not communicating with her, going to her house or drinking in the same pub.

Find another boyfriend. If you have such a bad relationship with his mother, it's never going to work out. It's that simple really.

Op didn't really give a good example as to why she doesn't get along with her b/f's mother. A squabble over wine , being banished from the house. We don't know why you were banished so I'm led to believe there is a lot more to it. Or actually nothing to it just petty arguments.

Personally I think you don't sound mature enough to be in a relationship. Whether you like it or not when you date someone or marry them their family become a part of your life. So you really need to try and get along. If this is not possible I think it's best to end the relationship.

You seem to be disrespectful of elders not just the b/f's mum, but your own parents. You said yourself he should put his mum in her place, as you would put yours in their place if they disrespected him. I would be horrified if my kids disrespected me in such a way. There's a big difference between having a respectful chat with your parents and "putting them in their place". The latter does portray you as having no respect for the people that raised you, I wouldn't say you're rude but really abnoxious and entitled.

You also said you wouldn't bend over backwards for your parents because you have your own life, but you do minor stuff like a bit of cleaning and shopping. Well whether I live with my parents or not I would bend over backwards for them it's called love and respect, to me parents should receive the upmost honour and respect. I'm sure most children feel like this and if they don't they weren't raised right or are just inherently selfish individuals. Considering you live in your parents home you should be willing to do a lot more than minor tasks. Your parents sound too nice If your life is more important than their needs then why are you not independent of them?

my mum died 4 years ago now I'd do anything to have more time with her. I'm glad I can say I did all that she asked of me even though I may not have always wanted to. make the most of your parents while you have them, you seem to see them as impinging on your freedom.

Going by the tone of her previous messages, I imagine part of the reason his mum doesn't want her in the house is that she swans in, dumps her coat on the chair, plonks herself on the sofa with the TV on and then says "well, are you going to make me a cup of tea or what?"

OP is most definitely being petty and quite bratty over the wine and I think should have a really good think about her relationship. In the future though, don't go into someones home where you're not welcome, if they're there or not, just don't. If you want her to treat you as an adult, you'll need to start acting like one soon.

Although, OP feel free to refer to your BF as your partner, partner is a gender neutral term for the other person in a relationship, its not a term you 'earn' by the length of time you've been together or through 'shared responsibilities. I also don't understand other posters issues with you referring to her at your MIL, as you're obviously somewhat serious about him, so she is part of your life in the way she would be if you were married to him

Am I the only one who wants to know what the bfs mum has called her?!
At that age I bent over backwards with bfs mums so I'm a bit how rude & bratty you are.
I'm most amused that you didn't go to the house for 6 months that appears to be when he wasn't there.
Op are you sure it's the mum he's spending time with? Maybe there's another girl in port?

Yes, use 'partner'. John Wayne did to good effect, I believe? I use it for my office colleague who 'does for me'; it's politer than 'my bitch', I think, although that's how he refers to himself.

Jeez OP, with your attitude it's surprising your own parents haven't banned you from their house! And if you really are thinking of getting pregnant to hang on to your boyfriend the please please reconsider. It's not fair on a child to be treated as a bargaining chip.

You've recieved some good advice here but I suspect you won't take it seeing as you already seem to know everything...

I'm also 21, and have been with my OH for 5 years and also have a few issues with his mother, so I get that you might find peoples comments about age insulting. But even I think YABU, you seem quite childish for your age.

If someone had "banished" me from their home I would respect that, it is incredibly insulting to think that just because it is empty you can do whatever you like. I know it's slightly different because you don't have your own house but if someone I didn't get on with came to my house when I wasn't home and left wine in my fridge I would drink it!

Her calling you names is also childish, and rarely called for, but I'm sure there's far more to this story than you're letting on. Why not look into getting a place of your own?

The comment about "putting her in her place" is ridiculous, she's a grown woman and can dislike whoever she pleases, your issue is with your boyfriend, not with her, if you don't like her, stop texting her and get on with your own life.

She stopped posting but she'll sure as hell still be reading.

If that is true OP please can you let us know whether you have been given food for thought by anything we have written.
In-law troubles are horrid- especially when they do come to a head, but you have to remember your BF was built to love his mother unconditionally.
I know you have been together for a long time, 1/7 of your life time, but that doesn't mean he is the one, he might be, but equally it might be healthier for you to move on to someone else and start again.

I doubt that OP will be back, which is a shame because if she could better explain why there's such animosity between her and "MIL" and the general circumstances then the replies may be a bit less thorny.

Either way, there's a big fat wake-up life lesson in all this.

Hmmm, this 'winegate' thread reminds me of something ... what is it? Ah, just remembered - many years ago, my son, then very early 20s, had a girlfriend. She was VERY domineering, quite abrupt and rude to others and to me, ordered my son around. However, I gritted my teeth and tried always to be pleasant to her, for my son's sake..

I was then recently widowed, living in a beautiful part of the Med. and invited son and girlfriend to spend a fortnight with me. Paid for their flights, hotel, hired a car, arranged to take them out for lovely meals, visits to great places etc. etc. including a few days at St. Tropez. The girlfriend moaned and whined from the moment they were picked up at Nice airport, and two days into the holiday, said to my son did he and she have to do anything more with his mum, as to her it wasn't a holiday if they couldn't go off and do their own thing ALL THE TIME!

My son pulled her up on that, read the riot act, and when they got back to the UK, ended the relationship.

She should have kept away whether her boyfriend asked her to go there or not.

For her own self esteem yes, but as its her BF home too and he wants her there, its up to him to be reprimanded, he is the one the mum cant trust. she may have banned other friends of his - who similarly he will still let in, or ban future gf, which he will still let in.

Its the ops Bf who left in a postion of trust with keys to house who broke that trust.

Op didn't really give a good example as to why she doesn't get along with her b/f's mother. A squabble over wine , being banished from the house.

Op states very clearly:

she's gave me a hard time since day one.
His older brother is married and she gave his wife trouble for 8 years until they got married and she fell pregnant with he granddaughter which she then realised it needed to stop.
I could walk on water and she would say it's because I can't swim, I have never actually done anything to upset this woman, I have never said anything to her that would make her hate me as much as she does.

^ How much more clear does she need to be it seems this lady has never liked her or given a chance, has previous form for it and then gone onto interfere in their relationship and now banned her from the house.

Sorry you're getting such a hard time, OP. I think people are making some very unfair assumptions about you.

It seems like you had hopes for a very close relationship with your boyfriend's mother, feels she obviously doesn't reciprocate. It does sound like she's been rude to you - unless you've done something really awful, I don't think that you deserved to be shouted at in the pub at Christmas (you didn't say anything about why she was having a go at you, though? Might shed some light on the situation).
Banishing you from the house is a very hostile thing to do. I can't imagine my own parents doing that except in extreme circumstances.

You do need to stop contacting her, though. It is a bit odd to be texting your boyfriend's mum so often, and I have to agree with other posters that she doesn't 'owe' you support when your boyfriend is away, nor is she obliged to ask how your holidays went. Sounds like your contact has been unwelcome and has rubbed her up the wrong way.

FWIW, I wouldn't have drunk unopened bottles of wine left in my fridge without first checking whose they were. You said you forgot to take them with you, and that's an honest mistake. However, you were in the wrong to be in her house knowing that she doesn't want you in there. For whatever reason, she doesn't like you, and this may be incredibly unfair of her but you have to respect that that is her space. I understand you wanted time alone, but you'll both have to try and get your own place sorted if you want privacy.

As for getting involved in your arguments - I think someone above asked how she comes to know about them? That's a good point, since you don't spend time at her house together. My guess is that your boyfriend tells her, or she overhears if you're on the phone or whatever. It sounds like he needs to develop more of a backbone - it's not fair for her to phone him and call you names, and he needs to tell her that.
It's also up to him to manage his time properly and not let you down when he is helping her out.

I would just back right off, avoid contact with her, save up for your own place and have a mature conversation with your boyfriend about your expectations from him around being on time and keeping plans with you. If you're not married and don't have children, there really isn't any need for you to see her at all. Be the mature one in the situation!

Buds are you the op/friend of the op? You're very defensive on her behalf!

I'm not the OP or a friend but agree with Bud's post.

Yes, a lot of what OP has written could have been worded better but I don't think she deserves the pasting she's had on here.