MIL is just awful. At my wits end

[mollygx]

I've been with my partner now for 3 years and I've never gotten along with his mother, she's gave me a hard time since day one.
His older brother is married and she gave his wife trouble for 8 years until they got married and she fell pregnant with he granddaughter which she then realised it needed to stop.
I could walk on water and she would say it's because I can't swim, I have never actually done anything to upset this woman, I have never said anything to her that would make her hate me as much as she does.
Her life is that sad she gets involved in mine and my partners relationship, any argument we have. She had to put her ten pence in all the time, We've had a few run ins but I've always tried to be polite an let it go over my head at the end of the day this is his mum I can't change that.
She kicked off on me on Christmas eve in the pub because she had a bottle of wine and I haven't been to her house since, apparently I'm not allowed round because I'm rude. She has actually banished me from her house, my partner still lives at home and so do I. So we spend all our time here because or her.

she went to visit her other son for the weekend and we decided to spend the weekend their to have some time alone. I took 2 bottles of wine and she has drank them when she returned home since I left them in her fridge, no text to ask me or anything. They weren't cheap either. So she doesn't like me but she's okay drinking something that belongs to me.

I text her to confront her and she has rang my partner calling me all the names under the sun. I'm at the point where I love him but it's getting so difficult she's making my life very hard and it's causing friction between us, because I don't feel like he's putting her in her place, he will say something to her then go back on his word. He always allows her to have her own way because it's easier, so he will say yes that's fine, yes yes yes! He runs around after her and she relies on him for anything and everything and he does it for her! and I'm sat here wondering am I wasting my time? He has made plans with me and then turned up really late because he promised to pick her on a Saturday night, which is our night to have a takeaway or go for a drink
It's getting ridiculous.
I appreciate she's his mum but you've gotta draw the line somewhere.
How am I ever gonna have a future when she will never accept me?

Any ideas anyone ?!

What is the back story to his mum and dad/mums relationship status? I assume from your posts his dad mums other half isn't around? Maybe he feels she needs some support.
Maybe she feels you threaten that

Do you want him to say "Try to be nice to Molly please mum, she means the world to me" because if you do I would say two things

1. If he hasn't done that already it may say something about how he sees you and your relationship and that isn't his mum's fault
2. If he said it to her he'd have to say it to you too- just from what you have written. You will all have to start again.

Do you want him to say- "I choose Molly over you mum, live with it or I'm off" because no matter how wonderful you are that will break his heart.

If his mum is a toxic alcoholic, and you are St Molly of Plymouth then you should see he could do with support rather than ultimatums.

Can you not go and stay where he is once in a while-does he have to come home every week-end?

He needs to move out of there if he doesn't like the house rules.

Yep, all the things you mentioned in your last post only become a problem because your bf is letting them. His mother isn't unreasonable to ask him for lifts or whatever the onus is on him to say "sorry mum i have plans with mollygx". And you are right to be worried - who knows whether this will continue to be a problem long after he has left home.But to be fair to him, he is 22, I imagine a lot of 22 year olds still see their parents as their centre of the universe, more so if they still live at home (some of the time).

But what strikes me most OP is that you seem over involved in caring about your bf's mother and what she thinks about you. At 21 (and early 20s)when i visited bf's houses I would say hi to their mother's and be polite but I didn't have their phone number and I certainly never got in to an argument.

Even now at 30 I don't contact my DP's Mother - she is his Mother and he is the one that contacts her. We live together but are not married and have no children, perhaps this will change if we have children etc but for now I don't see any reason for me to contact her directly as he does that. I certainly cannot imagine confronting someone by text in the relationship you described. If you wish to continue a relationship with your bf then I am afraid it is likely that you will have to put up with his Mother to some degree and realising that for the time being she is likely to come out at least equal to you and therefore confronting her over something as small as 2 bottles of wine is not likely to do your relationship with your bf any good. It doesn't mean this will always be the case though, when I was 25, my mum and dad were the people I would have put first, now I live with my DP it is undoubtedly him and my relationship with my parents changed as a result. Unfortunately whilst you both still live at home it is very difficult to break the parent/child relationship and this may mean that she still sees him as her child and therefore wants to be involved in all that he does etc.

By the way if he wants you to come to his home, at 22 with 4 years in the Navy under his belt, he should get himself a home you can go to!.

But the boyfriend seems to just use his mum's house as a sort of crash-pad at weekends when he isn't away at sea so his mother has every right to expect you not to be there at all OP!

You sound very bad mannered!

what is she gaining by not allowing me into her home? It's pushing her son away and causing trouble

I actually agree with that.

But I have to ask, did she know in advance that you were going to be in her house whilst she was away? Because having a sneaky visit just because she's not there isn't on when you have been banned from the house, and it isn't going to help your cause (neither is complaining about the loss of your wine).

I didn't do any more than very basic 'yes Mrs Paterson' forelock tugging to any of my boyfriend's mums until Ihad a baby and the relationship changed.

Even now, as much as I love my mil, we have very little in common and most conversation revolves around DS.

This is pretty normal I think? Going to the pub with your boyfriends mum, I've never even heard of such a thing.
You don't like her so don't see her. Problem solved.

And honestly, I am aghast that you texted her to confront her over the wine.

Seriously, if my Ds's girlfriend did that to me I would be so shocked, but then again I wouldn't be arguing with her in a pub either so it's all just a bit...tacky.

I think you're expecting your BF's mother to have the same relationship with you that she would have with a daughter in law and mother of her grandchildren.
You were only 18 when you started going out with her son, she only sees you sporadically and really there is no reason whatsoever why she would text you to see if you're 'okay' while he is deployed, or ask how your holidays were.
You're just her son's young girlfriend (who she obviously doesn't approve of) and she's probably not that interested in you and won't be unless your relationship progresses and becomes something much more permanent.

I'd love it if the bf' mum was an mner and could come on here and give her side!

Where is your boyfriends father? Maybe he feels he needs to help his mum out because she's alone unlike your parents who have each other?

My dad drank wine I left in his house. Not an issue. I shouldn't have left it.

If you were banned from her house you are 100% in the wrong for going there. Imagine if she had stayed in your house when you weren't there!

Plus stop referring to this boy as your dp. You are barely out of your teens. You don't live together and only see each other at the weekends and not at all for months at a time. That is barely dating let alone a serious relationship.

You don't like his mum. He does.

Go your separate ways and make much more effort to be more respectful and less jealous of your future mils.

Your last couple of posts make it very clear why she doesn't like you. You sound utterly disrespectful and rude towards her and you sense of entitlement over being in her house is astounding.

she is his mum of 22 years - she also doesn't see him when he is away and maybe she wants to spend time with him - sounds like he has a demanding mum in one ear and a high maintenance GF in the other - no wonder he went to sea

you can't expect everyone in life to like you - avoid her - stop antagonising her with visits to the house when she's asked you not to go there - if it's that bad demand he move out - give him an ultimatum it's me or your mum (pout a bit and put some I'm so happy without you pics on FB etc) and then see what happens

or grow up and get over it

Okay I have tried to be nice in my last posts and give advice but every time you post you sound more and more like a spoilt bratt. If you and your boyfriend want somewhere to be private together then you need to get your own place. It doesn't matter whether you agree with his mother banning you from her house or not - it's her house she can do what the hell she likes, and no, he doesn't get as much say as her. Unless he has paid the mortgage or the rent for the last however many years.

I also think saying you would put your parents in their place and expect him to do the same massively disrespectful. As I got older I have many many stories of how I found it more difficult to live with my parents but I never once 'put them in their place' because I respected the fact it was their home and if I didn't like it I could fuck off (which I did in the end and our relationship became so much better because they treated me as an adult rather than an overgrown child of 22 who was paying reduced rent and moaning about their rules). If he (and you) don't like the rules then as my dad said to me 'ship up or ship out'. At 22 he doesn't get to dictate the rules to his Mother in her own home.

I'm going to be honest OP and say that this whole situation sounds very immature. You'll look back and be ashamed one day. You sound immature, he sounds like he probably just wants an easy life and can't be bothered with the hassle that he gets on his weekeneds off.

FFS I think you're getting a right bashing here OP!

he needs to run far far away from you because you sound like a controlling psycho

Charming

You've behaved in an unacceptable way a few times yes, but so has your boyfriends mother.

So basically you and his mother are in competition with each other for your boyfriends attention?

It strikes me that the OP is having a more passionate and involved relationship with the mother than the wet weekend of a boyfriend.

I have just spotted this and would agree.

I also spotted that you still don't see what is wrong with going to her home where she has asked you not to be, walked around when she isn't there used her things, her fridge etc. It is actually that sort of mindset that burglars have, they often genuinely have no idea what an invasion their crime is, I know you probably didn't steal anything, but you were in her home, without her permission, when she wasn't there to see what you were up to. You were in her space, when she had told you not to be, and she couldn't do anything about it.

If he is telling you "oh i'm sorry i'm late/have to leave early/cant do the thing I promised because of my mum", I wonder if hes telling HER "Sorry i'm late mum, molly asked me to do something for her", that would explain some of why she dislikes you so much.

If I found out someone I had banned from my house had been there when I wasn't, being in my space, moving my stuff, doing who knows what Id feel violated - id seriously be BLAZINGLY angry. Its NOT your bfs house, hes a lodger in his mums house - ever heard of "while you live under my house, you'll live by my rules"? Until your BF moves out into his own place, it will never be his house to do as he likes and you have to deal with that.

You seem to be treating his mum like a friend that's "acting up", you are being hugely disrespectful towards her - she isn't your friend, she doesn't want to be your friend, she doesn't like you and if it wasn't for you being her sons current girlfriend she would never see you or speak to you - you have no right to demand ANYTHING from her for any reason, ever.

And I think clockingoff has probably hit the nail on the head. He is 22, you don't live together, she has no idea whether you're the 'one' or the 1st in a line of many. I realise you have been together 3 years which is a decent time (more than I have with my DP to be fair) but I have lived with my DP for most of that time and have a very real sense of what he is like in reality, you see your bf at weekends if you are lucky - tbh, if it's this hard when you only see each other at weekends. it may be even harder when reality of living together, bills etc hits

I have to be honest if I stayed at MILs over the weekend and left wine and she drank it I would never in a million years send a text to confront her.

Maybe she thought you left it there to say thanks for using her house all weekend? Blimey.

Get your own place? Then he can come to you. Problem solved.

I would ignore her she sounds a nightmare!

OP, you felt the need to confront someone over two bottles of wine?

Seriously?

You need to get some hobbies.

If anyone could actually see what it's like for me their opinions would be very different
This is one thread with very little detail about the troubles I've had with her since I met my boyfriend, we are young but very serious because of his job, I'm not saying I'm perfect because I'm not. And I understand it's his mum and she will always be part of his life but their comes a point where you have to let someone know that the way they're acting isn't very nice, my boyfriend has told his mum time and time again they have had a fair few arguments because she doesn't take any notice. He can't make her like me, but she can't even be civil with ME. She choses time and time again to say and do hurtful things.

I'm not controlling, if I was I would of said me or her but I wouldn't dream of doing that, it's his mum and he should spend time with her, she should help her when needs be I'm not denying that.

She does need to be spoken to because it's gone on for so long and it's just getting worse. And he needs to let her know how much of a strain it's having on us. It's got to the point where he has stopped bothering because she doesn't take any notice.
I go out with him not her, she shouldn't be so vocal about how she feels about me it's extremely upsetting

I have tried my best with her, text and rang and tried to patch things up with her and arrange to go for some lunch but she give me the cold shoulder. She will ignore me or get in touch days later with an excuse.

I sound like I'm being petty, and nasty over a drink but it's not about the drink it's everything that's gone on inbetween. She knew we were spending the weekend their and she didn't mind can I just say.

It's very nasty of her to phone my boyfriend and call me names, she can see how hard it is for him and yet she makes his life very difficult by constantly being in battle with me, just be nice to me, smile and be polite and I will do the same.

But she isn't even willing to do that. She can't accept her son is growing up and is independent and doesnt rely on her anymore. Now she relies on him and hes only home for a short period of time he should be able to relax not run around for you.

god my ds is 23 and I have never tested or phone his gf. why would I?
I like her a lot as well.
but then she is a nice "girl" and always polite and friendly and doesn't mind ds being my son.
op you need to grow up