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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is just awful. At my wits end

256 replies

mollygx · 25/02/2015 13:56

I've been with my partner now for 3 years and I've never gotten along with his mother, she's gave me a hard time since day one.
His older brother is married and she gave his wife trouble for 8 years until they got married and she fell pregnant with he granddaughter which she then realised it needed to stop.
I could walk on water and she would say it's because I can't swim, I have never actually done anything to upset this woman, I have never said anything to her that would make her hate me as much as she does.
Her life is that sad she gets involved in mine and my partners relationship, any argument we have. She had to put her ten pence in all the time, We've had a few run ins but I've always tried to be polite an let it go over my head at the end of the day this is his mum I can't change that.
She kicked off on me on Christmas eve in the pub because she had a bottle of wine and I haven't been to her house since, apparently I'm not allowed round because I'm rude. She has actually banished me from her house, my partner still lives at home and so do I. So we spend all our time here because or her.

she went to visit her other son for the weekend and we decided to spend the weekend their to have some time alone. I took 2 bottles of wine and she has drank them when she returned home since I left them in her fridge, no text to ask me or anything. They weren't cheap either. So she doesn't like me but she's okay drinking something that belongs to me.

I text her to confront her and she has rang my partner calling me all the names under the sun. I'm at the point where I love him but it's getting so difficult she's making my life very hard and it's causing friction between us, because I don't feel like he's putting her in her place, he will say something to her then go back on his word. He always allows her to have her own way because it's easier, so he will say yes that's fine, yes yes yes! He runs around after her and she relies on him for anything and everything and he does it for her! and I'm sat here wondering am I wasting my time? He has made plans with me and then turned up really late because he promised to pick her on a Saturday night, which is our night to have a takeaway or go for a drink
It's getting ridiculous.
I appreciate she's his mum but you've gotta draw the line somewhere.
How am I ever gonna have a future when she will never accept me?

Any ideas anyone ?!

OP posts:
Tangerineandturquoise · 25/02/2015 15:38

He isn't independent and he does rely on her.
If he was independent you wouldn't be sneaking around her home behind her back.
You have left some quite interesting questions unanswered

stargirl1701 · 25/02/2015 15:39

So, end the relationship with him. You are very young - plenty more fish in the sea! Grin This issue with his mum isn't likely to change. Cut your losses.

GingerLDN · 25/02/2015 15:40

Maybe she drank it just to piss you off because she was mad to see you were in her house. I might have. I may have even poured it down the sink. From experience if your boyfriend is in the Navy four years and has no outgoings he could be saving a decent deposit or fork out for a hotel occasionally. Are you sure you are both on the same page with your relationship. If someone doesn't make an effort they usually just don't want to. Probably not what you want to hear and I could be wrong but sounds like you're more invested in this than him.

Mousefinkle · 25/02/2015 15:40

I'm astonished you're 21. Judging by your posts I would guess more in the region of 17/18. You're extremely naïve and childish, far more than any 21 year old I have ever known or indeed how I was at 21. A lot of 21 year olds live alone, some have careers, degrees, are married or have children even! You're not coming across very well at all here...

If you want privacy with your boyfriend you two should get a place together. You've been together for three years so perhaps this is a step you should be considering taking. If not, you have to deal with the rules his mum has put in place regardless of how unfair you feel they are. It is her house, you have to adhere to and respect her rules. That's something you realise with maturity though... I remember finding my best friends mum's house rules questionable and disliked her for it, difference is I was 15!

You seem to have a very puerile attitude, I can kind of see why his mother isn't keen on you. If you dislike one another this much stay out of each other's way. Texting her seeking out her support is kind of weird, she's not your own mother or friend and she doesn't like you anyway. Don't antagonise her by staying in her house when you're not welcome. You have a lot of growing up to do and one day you'll probably see things more from our perspective and perhaps cringe at your attitude too.

TheWordFactory · 25/02/2015 15:41

molly why does your boyfriend feel the need to pass on to you everything his mother says about you?

That is very odd behaviour!

stormtreader · 25/02/2015 15:42

Youre still not getting it - she doesnt like you and doesnt want to be your friend. Stop texting her, stop calling her, stop trying to get her to do things with you and support your relationship. She doesnt want to be your friend, she just wants you to stop bothering her.

He will not be "independent and not rely on her" until he moves out of her house.

Im sure she didnt mind that you were spending the weekend together, she'll have been expecting that youd be at your house like you usually are, she DIDNT give permision for you to spend it at her house If you really wanted a weekend on your own, you could have gotten a hotel room.

ThatFinalDribble · 25/02/2015 15:43

I think there is nothing here to be done. I know how upsetting it is, I had a horrible PIL, but I also had children and a husband so I HAD to bother with them and put up with it.

You however don;t have to have anything to do with this woman at all. You don't have to speak to her, text her, see her, talk about her or let her into your life in any way shape or form.

Just detach from it completely. If your BF says "Oh mum said " you can just say "Sorry but I don't want to know, I find it upsetting" and leave it there.

Learn now how to pick your battles. This is one that you currently cannot win.

Number3cometome · 25/02/2015 15:44

I think I remember you posted a few days ago about missing your pill and possibly being pregnant?

I'd make sure you take that pill more regularly!

You left the wine in a house you was BANNED from, why would you even be there if she has said she doesn't want you there?

I'd have drunk your wine just for the pure cheek of being in my house when I specifically said not to.

I feel for you, but you are young. He doesn't sound very nice if he passes every argument on to his mother.

Why do you go anywhere with her if she dislikes you?

Heels99 · 25/02/2015 15:44

Woah hang on, you have a baby together???

HedgehogsDontBite · 25/02/2015 15:45

FFS you started this current battle by sending her texts 'confronting her' for drinking wine left in her fridge. Let me ask you something OP. You say she doesn't like you. You say she agreed to you staying in her house. How exactly did you thank her for allowing you to be in her home, using her facilities?

Number3cometome · 25/02/2015 15:45

I would suggest staying in a hotel or at your house, stay away from hers.

Baddz · 25/02/2015 15:46

You aren't married, your dp hasn't made any sort of commitment to you and she isn't your mil.
Grow up.

BoredAdminGirl · 25/02/2015 15:47

I don't see the issue with him helping out his mum. Perhaps he misses her just as much as he misses you. You should NOT have gone to her house when she had specifically banned you from it. Sounds like you're not helping things. Texting her having a go about the wine is not making an effort

DawnOfTheDoggers · 25/02/2015 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gatewalker · 25/02/2015 15:50

OP - First, I think you're getting a particularly hard time on here from a lot of posters in terms of the tone of the responses.

Second, however, I think there's a truth behind these responses that is nearly unanimous. Your boyfriend's mother may have singled you out unfairly; she may drink too much and become verbally abusive; she may not even be a particularly nice person.

But ...

The only thing you can change about your situation is you. Not her. Not your boyfriend. You.

Why is it that you keep on trying to connect with her? Why is it that you keep asking your boyfriend to put you first? It may not seem fair what's happening. The thing is, it is happening. And it will almost certainly continue to happen.

Isn't it wonderful that there is something you can do about it?! And that is to choose. Do you want to stay entangled in an absolute mess -- because that's what it seems to be, and there will be some kind of pay-off for you for staying entangled, no matter how difficult it is to see or to admit to. Or do you want to free yourself from it? These aren't easy choices. But they're all yours.

Number3cometome · 25/02/2015 15:52

FYI OP, I have no issue with your age.

I had a son at 21, but I also had my own house with my boyfriend which we paid for.

If you want exclusive shagging facilities, you are going to have to get your own place - sounds like you won't have a problem as you are both working.

LadyCybilCrawley · 25/02/2015 15:52

She's not your MIL - she's your boyfriend's mother

Betrayedbutsurvived · 25/02/2015 15:55

My mouth is hanging open here. Believing you're entitled to go to her house when she's not in, despite her making it clear she doesn't want you to is unbelievable, and as for "put her in her place" my god if my adult DD tried that she'd be flying out of my house on the end of my boot.

You are coming across as incredibly Immature, sometime in the distant future when you have grown up a bit, and have your own home and kids you'll look back at this and cringe.

TwinkieTwinkle · 25/02/2015 15:57

Sorry, I've read this entire thread, hoping there would be something from you that I could support you on. There isn't. You sound like a self-entitled, spoiled brat. It is her house. If she doesn't want you there, even when she's not, then you don't have any damn right being there.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2015 15:58

Is your boyfriend very gossipy, OP? You say in your first post that his mother was awful to other son's girlfriend for 8 years until they got married and had a baby. You've only been together for 3.

Are you trying to get pregnant so that she will accept you? I wouldn't count on it if that is what you're hoping for. It sounds as if many tit-for-tat things have happened and that you both do not like each other enough to try anymore. That being the case, you really need to stop using her home, she doesn't want you there and you haven't got the right to be there.

Why can't he be at your parents' home? Do they have a problem with him?

Number3cometome · 25/02/2015 15:59

What Lyingwitch said ^

DoJo · 25/02/2015 16:00

It's very nasty of her to phone my boyfriend and call me names, she can see how hard it is for him and yet she makes his life very difficult by constantly being in battle with me, just be nice to me, smile and be polite and I will do the same.

But you started it by texting her to 'confront her' about the wine! I'm still intrigued to learn how you found out that she had drunk it? I assume your boyfriend told you, in which case, combined with his passing on of all the other things she has supposedly said about you, I have to ask if he is enjoying all this drama and having you two effectively fighting over him? His mother should only really know that he is happy, and not be privy to all the details of your disagreements etc. Why is he sharing so much with the two of you when it's clear that you would be better off not knowing what you each think of the other?

The80sweregreat · 25/02/2015 16:08

If you were to move in with this man, or even get married, his mum will always be around. You either try to make the peace or just accept you will never get on with her and try and learn to rub along as best you can. Telling him how to behave with his mum isnt on though. You need to stop this.

TwinkieTwinkle · 25/02/2015 16:13

Also, regarding the wine thing: I don't buy for a second you forgot to take it with you. I remember when I was a teenager staying at my boyfriend's mum's house when she was away. We weren't told not to be there but we hadn't informed her we were going to stay over. When we left we made sure we took everything we brought and the house was in the exact same condition it was when we arrived. Sounds to me like you wanted her to know you and her son had defied her and that you had been in the house.

landrover · 25/02/2015 16:15

Sorry you are having a hard time, Im afraid that I cannot resist saying that it should be you stayed "there" not their!