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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is just awful. At my wits end

256 replies

mollygx · 25/02/2015 13:56

I've been with my partner now for 3 years and I've never gotten along with his mother, she's gave me a hard time since day one.
His older brother is married and she gave his wife trouble for 8 years until they got married and she fell pregnant with he granddaughter which she then realised it needed to stop.
I could walk on water and she would say it's because I can't swim, I have never actually done anything to upset this woman, I have never said anything to her that would make her hate me as much as she does.
Her life is that sad she gets involved in mine and my partners relationship, any argument we have. She had to put her ten pence in all the time, We've had a few run ins but I've always tried to be polite an let it go over my head at the end of the day this is his mum I can't change that.
She kicked off on me on Christmas eve in the pub because she had a bottle of wine and I haven't been to her house since, apparently I'm not allowed round because I'm rude. She has actually banished me from her house, my partner still lives at home and so do I. So we spend all our time here because or her.

she went to visit her other son for the weekend and we decided to spend the weekend their to have some time alone. I took 2 bottles of wine and she has drank them when she returned home since I left them in her fridge, no text to ask me or anything. They weren't cheap either. So she doesn't like me but she's okay drinking something that belongs to me.

I text her to confront her and she has rang my partner calling me all the names under the sun. I'm at the point where I love him but it's getting so difficult she's making my life very hard and it's causing friction between us, because I don't feel like he's putting her in her place, he will say something to her then go back on his word. He always allows her to have her own way because it's easier, so he will say yes that's fine, yes yes yes! He runs around after her and she relies on him for anything and everything and he does it for her! and I'm sat here wondering am I wasting my time? He has made plans with me and then turned up really late because he promised to pick her on a Saturday night, which is our night to have a takeaway or go for a drink
It's getting ridiculous.
I appreciate she's his mum but you've gotta draw the line somewhere.
How am I ever gonna have a future when she will never accept me?

Any ideas anyone ?!

OP posts:
pressone · 25/02/2015 16:16

Mumsnet 2025. Poster "StMollyNavyWife" asks - why does my husband think it is acceptable to support the children when they criticise and lip me, their own Mother?

If you get your now boyfriend to accept that it is reasonable for children to "put their parents in their place", then be prepared for him to carry on with this when you are in the Mother role.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2015 16:17

Perhaps try a bit harder to resist, landrover, that's pathetic. It looks that that was the whole point of your post.

WD41 · 25/02/2015 16:19

Basically OP you are jealous of your "mil". Because you know full well that your DP puts her first, and you know deep down that's his choice, not because he's begrudgingly at her beck of call. You are directing your upset at her.

I'm afraid it seems that you are more invested in the relationship than he is.

pilates · 25/02/2015 16:20

You sound very confrontational, which may be why she doesn't want you in her house or to have anything to do with you. There is no law that says you have to like your son's girlfriend you know Confused.

starfishmummy · 25/02/2015 16:24

OP needs to grow up

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 25/02/2015 16:26

She's just not that into you. In the nicest possible way, deal with it. Learn to ignore it, or walk away from the relationship.

I know someone who has a relationship like this with their prospective MIL. What she doesn't know is that her long term boyfriend slags her off and is generally dismissive of her behind her back to his mother.
If your boyfriend really loved and valued you, she wouldn't treat you like this or be allowed to in his presence at least.

PtolemysNeedle · 25/02/2015 16:35

Only read the OP posts, but you sound like you deserve each other.

You sound incredibly self absorbed, and she sounds like someone who doesn't have much going on in life and is over invested in her adult children.

Girlfriends are replaceable. Mothers are not.

SkaterGrrrrl · 25/02/2015 16:35

YABVU.

hth.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 25/02/2015 16:35

I think you are probably a convenient girl in port for your BF.

His mother is in all likelihood totally annoyed with your attempts to turn her into your 'MIL'.

Is he definitely out picking her up the nights he says he can't be with you? Not out on the pull/with another woman? All very convenient to blame his mother for his flakiness, especially if he knows you will swallow it hook line and sinker.

ChoochiWoo · 25/02/2015 16:40

Shes just said shes 21!!!!

noddyholder · 25/02/2015 16:42

There are some people who can't be pleased though My own mother is one She never likes anyone! I agree the OP sounds a bit deluded if she thinks this blokes mum will change to suit her but really her son shouldn't engage with his mum in this sort of bitching regardless

Casmama · 25/02/2015 16:43

Was just coming on to say the same as Alibaba- I wouldn't be so sure the other woman demanding his time is his mother.

If you want to stay in this relationship then have some self respect and stay the fuck away from her house! How humiliating for you to be repeatedly banned but you only allow her that by repeatedly going back.

Don't interact with her at all, speak to your boyfriend about what you want from him and if he won't do it then decide how much crap you are going to put up with before ending it.

Samcro · 25/02/2015 16:43

i had a bf at that age who was just the same, looking back I think he loved the drama. mum and GF at war.
should have told him to shove it an walked.

Clockingoff · 25/02/2015 16:44

I'm finding it very difficult to believe the OP is 21. Those posts sound like they've been written by a teenager.

trulybadlydeeply · 25/02/2015 16:53

OP as you have been together 3 years, I wonder why you are not living together? I know your BF is in the navy, but that is no reason not to - if he values your relationship and believes it to be long term then it should be you he goes home to when he returns, not his Mum.

I was with my 1st DH from when I was 19, we married when I was 21, and he spent good portions of that time at sea. When he was back we wanted to be together all the time, in our own home. If the two of you had this then I believe it would at least lessen the impact she has on your relationship.

You can't change his Mum or her reactions, but you can change what the two of you do, and the importance that you both place on your relationship. have you ever discussed moving in together?

SisterMerror · 25/02/2015 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ohmygrood · 25/02/2015 16:55

Perhaps she thought the wine was a gift from you to thank her for allowing you to have the run of her home over the weekend. After all, you were presumably using her water, electricity, food etc.

hoobypickypicky · 25/02/2015 16:58

"I'm sorry but it's polite to ask before you take something that doesn't belong to you. I was at her home for the weekend because she wasn't their"

And I'm sorry but it's rude to enter and stay in someone's house when you've been told by the householder that you're not to visit again. You were in her home while she wasn't "their" because you knew you'd be unwelcome if she was. She might have known, she might not "mind" but I'd suggest that the chances are she knew you'd be there if she minded or not and was making a resigned conciliatory gesture to her son. It remains that it's her house and she doesn't encourage or want you to be there.

"My boyfriend was deployed for 6 months she never offered me any support or even got in touch with me to see how I was, or how I was coping"

"Coping"? Oh do grow up! Are you ill? Is this boyfriend your carer? Do you have children with him? Do you not think that your boyfriend's 53 year old mother (she is not your mother in law) has better things to do than run around contacting you to see how you're "coping" while your boyfriend - her son no less - is "coping"?

You sound incredibly self absorbed. I suggest that you don't progress this boyfriend/girlfriend relationship further until you've grown up quite considerably as you'll struggle like no-one's business if you have a child to prioritise over yourself.

Bumbiscuits · 25/02/2015 17:02

Any wine left in my fridge is fair game for me.

I would think that someone staying the weekend in my home who left wine was leaving it as a thank you gift for for being good enough in letting me stay under their roof.

I'd love to hear your BF's mum's side of the story.

NickAngel · 25/02/2015 17:21

Wow, read whole thread now and wouldn't usually step in when everything has been said already by do many but
Either get your own place together or leave him. You are only making trouble for yourself if you carry on likd this. She will always be his mum and clearly dislikes you. She's not going to change and if he hasn't suggested moving in together by now I don't think he will. Relationship won't go anywhere but will just cause you stress.

lunar1 · 25/02/2015 17:28

I think you left the wine to make sure she knew you had been there. I also think your bf may be using his mum as an excuse so he doesn't have to spend all his time off with you. You can't blame her if he choses to do things for her.

You sound like you love the drama of it all.

TSSDNCOP · 25/02/2015 17:29

Many reasonable and one pedant have told you you are being unreasonable.

Your boyfriend sounds like he likes him mam, likes doing errands for her even though it doesn't please you.

You give him hell, which his mam probably hears, and forms an opinion of you. It is not good.

I'm betting drink was taken on both sided in the pub at Christmas. Probably a draw on the cause and name calling.

You have been explicitly told not to go to her home. You ignored this. Bad form. You can bet that displeased her greatly. When you grow up and have your own home you may understand this better.

Having done this, you chastised her for drinking wine that was in her fridge ,in her home. Smart money would have been to STFU as you knew full well you were on thin ice. Good manners prevent me from explaining what would happen if a person did that to me.

YABU. You should seek another boyfriend and when you do understand his mother need be nothing more than cordial toward you, and to get that requires you to meet her half way too.

magoria · 25/02/2015 17:35

2 bottles of wine were probably cheaper than a hotel for the weekend. You should have said nothing.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 25/02/2015 17:50

If I found out someone I had banned from my house had been there when I wasn't, being in my space, moving my stuff, doing who knows what Id feel violated - id seriously be BLAZINGLY angry. Its NOT your bfs house, hes a lodger in his mums house - ever heard of "while you live under my house, you'll live by my rules"? Until your BF moves out into his own place, it will never be his house to do as he likes and you have to deal with that.

Completely and totally agree.

BakerStreetSaxRift · 25/02/2015 17:51

THERE THERE THERE THERE THERE.

Should HAVE.

Just buy or rent your own home, OP, then you can have all the privacy you wish.