MIL is just awful. At my wits end

[mollygx]

I've been with my partner now for 3 years and I've never gotten along with his mother, she's gave me a hard time since day one.
His older brother is married and she gave his wife trouble for 8 years until they got married and she fell pregnant with he granddaughter which she then realised it needed to stop.
I could walk on water and she would say it's because I can't swim, I have never actually done anything to upset this woman, I have never said anything to her that would make her hate me as much as she does.
Her life is that sad she gets involved in mine and my partners relationship, any argument we have. She had to put her ten pence in all the time, We've had a few run ins but I've always tried to be polite an let it go over my head at the end of the day this is his mum I can't change that.
She kicked off on me on Christmas eve in the pub because she had a bottle of wine and I haven't been to her house since, apparently I'm not allowed round because I'm rude. She has actually banished me from her house, my partner still lives at home and so do I. So we spend all our time here because or her.

she went to visit her other son for the weekend and we decided to spend the weekend their to have some time alone. I took 2 bottles of wine and she has drank them when she returned home since I left them in her fridge, no text to ask me or anything. They weren't cheap either. So she doesn't like me but she's okay drinking something that belongs to me.

I text her to confront her and she has rang my partner calling me all the names under the sun. I'm at the point where I love him but it's getting so difficult she's making my life very hard and it's causing friction between us, because I don't feel like he's putting her in her place, he will say something to her then go back on his word. He always allows her to have her own way because it's easier, so he will say yes that's fine, yes yes yes! He runs around after her and she relies on him for anything and everything and he does it for her! and I'm sat here wondering am I wasting my time? He has made plans with me and then turned up really late because he promised to pick her on a Saturday night, which is our night to have a takeaway or go for a drink
It's getting ridiculous.
I appreciate she's his mum but you've gotta draw the line somewhere.
How am I ever gonna have a future when she will never accept me?

Any ideas anyone ?!

Why don't you live together? Surely that would change the dynamics of the relationship between you and her, and prevent your poor boyfriend being caught up in the middle?

Its her house - she can say who comes and goes, whether you feel that justified or not!
Why would she need to support you when her son was away? I find that a bit odd.
If someone I had banned from my home, for whatever reason, was there in my absence I would be seriously pissed off - you wont win any favours going behind her back IN HER HOUSE!
If you want private time you need to get your own place to have it in!

So because it's his mum he should just sit back and allow her to be nasty? Is that what your saying? He's 22 years of age been in the navy since 18 and very independent for people poking fun at our age.

I live at home and I respect my mum an dad but I'm sorry you can't allow them to do and say as they please and bite my tounge. I would happily put my mum or dad in their place if he treated my boyfriend like his mother has treated me. I don't care whether I live with them or not it doesn't mean they can be cruel and nasty.

And you textED her, not text her!

Oh and yes, stop being so silly.

I'm shocked that so many people would drink wine that they found in their fridge that they knew didn't belong to them! I would definitely ask the other people living in my house whose wine it was and upon hearing that it was brought by someone else, I wouldn't touch it. It's pretty selfish to take it just because it's in your house

You have no business being in your boyfriend's mother's home. However entitled you think you are. Have some integrity; you don't like her - don't go to her home.

I agree with all pps regarding the wine. So won't cover that.

Your boyfriend's mother doesn't like you. Sounds like you expect quite a lot of her. I am not sure that at your age I expected any "support" from a boyfriend's mother. I was happy if she and I could be polite and share space with her occassinally but frankly, the less I saw of her the better as my relationship was with the bf, not his mother.

I also think that if she doesn't approve of you, rightly or wrongly, she has the right to ban you from her home. If my mum had banned a boyfriend, she'd have been FURIOUS with me if I'd let him come over just because she wasn't there.

I must be a bit slow here but if you and your partner live together with her how can she ban you from her house? Or do you live with your parents?

If your name was not written on the bottles of wine then how would she have known that they were yours? She could have thought her son had left them as a gift or something.

She probably thinks it was rather cheeky of you to stay in her house while she was not there. Not saying that is what I think as I also did that sort of thing when I was your age. My husband's parents (he was then my boyfriend) went away a lot and I used to go over to stay after they had left.

We did keep it secret though. You advertised the fact that you were there whilst banned because you texted her about the wine. Surely you shot yourself in the foot there. You needed to just forget about the wine. Buy some more if it was that important to you, but what you had left in her fridge was lost to you. Surely you can see that.

cross posted

Avoid her then. Don't go to the pub with her or stay in her house. Don't expect 'support' from her, you don't like eachother so keep out of each others way. That should be easy given your boyfriend is away a lot.

The wine thing is ridiculous who gives a hoot if she drank some wine you left at her house. You shouldn't have been there anyway if you are banished.
Get a new boyfriend if this one isn't working out.

To be honest if he lives with her he probably will put her first because she's the one he sees everyday, his relationship with her impacts on his day to day life, where he lives etc.. Sorry that's just the way it is... My dp is the main person in my life because he's the one I see every morning and every night after work, if I piss him off it impacts my life in numerous ways so I'd be pretty stupid to put him behind someone else's needs.

This is very different to before we lived together and I lived with house mates... Sometimes he came 1st other times they did (depending on the situation). I know this isn't what you want to hear but unfortunately whilst his mother is providing a roof over his head he is unlikely to put her in 'her place' as I imagine if he did he'd be finding his place is likely on the streets.

I don't know how old you both are and don't mean to be insulting but I think you're a little naive to expect differently of a guy who lives at home. His mother is undoubtedly going to be more involved in his life than if he didn't live with her. If you've been together 3 years I wonder if there is a possibility you could find somewhere together as I agree it would solve a lot of the problems.

Yabu about the wine though... If its in my fridge I don't question it , I just drink it. If she is anything like me she may not even know it was yours... I got so much over Christmas I wouldn't be able to keep track. I don't think confronting her via text is likely to endear her to you though op.

She banned you from her house yet you still went there behind her back. Six of one and half a dozen of the other, if you ask me.

I still don't understand why you were in her house having been told (quite clearly, even rudely) that you were not allowed to go there?

If any child of mine felt they should put me in my place then I would be very sad that as a parent I had raised them so poorly.

If you think your way of behaving is acceptable, and 30 people think it is not then just maybe you should consider that you are wrong here not everyone else is horrible.

That's a thought, did she know at the point of drinking the wine that you had stayed there? She perhaps thought her son had left them for her?

Her life is that sad she gets involved in mine and my partners relationship, any argument we have. She had to put her ten pence in all the time,

How does she know about these arguments?

She has actually banished me from her house,
told me I'm not welcome in her home numerous times

Yet you still went round there last weekend, knowing that she didn't want you there?

I text her to confront her and she has rang my partner calling me all the names under the sun.

Why did you do this? Wouldn't it have been better to wait until your boyfriend was home or ask him to deal with it? She's his mother after all.

How do you know she has drunk the wine by the way?

I doubt very much that she just 'kicked off' in the pub on Christmas Eve for no reason. There must have been a back story, which we're not hearing. Your posts sound quite childish so I suspect that, regardless of whether or not your boyfriend's mother is a nice person or not, you may have been partly/significantly responsible for some of the bad feeling between you.
If you see this relationship with your bf going any further, you're going to have to learn to either get on with his mother, or stay out of her hair as much as possible and just be polite and distant. You don't seem to be doing either.

If I banned someone from my house and they thought that rule didn't apply when I wasn't there. I would drink any wine they left before being a cheeky twat.

Stay out of her house... If she's vile to you then stay away from her.

Who texts their boyfriend's mum aged 21?

I'd like to have seen that text though. How do you say I went to your house when I know you don't want me there and I left wine in your fridge which I know you drank. You owe me £10.

I'm sorry that you don't get on with your boyfriend's mum, it can't be easy. MIL threads generally get a lot of support on MN, but there's something about your post that's different. You're not coming off very well.

From what you've said there's no doubt that his mum isn't nice or welcoming to you, but I'm inclined to wonder whether or not your behaviour is the reason?

I pity your boyfriend. He's only home of a weekend and probably spends most of that time acting as a referee.

Stay out of her house, you are clearly not welcome there. Don't leave wine there, and don't text her - you deliberately fanned the flames by sending her the text.

And btw I did quite literally LOL at My boyfriend was deployed for 6 months she never offered me any support or even got in touch with me to see how I was, or how I was coping. Really?

My boyfriend was deployed for 6 months she never offered me any support or even got in touch with me to see how I was, or how I was coping, I txt her a few times, I was ignored or got a very blunt reply.

Were your texts to offer her support or ask her how she was coping? What do you think of as a blunt reply?

Over the past 3 years we have got along to a certain extent, we will smooth things over the it goes back to the way it was, I didn't go to her house for 6 months, I started going back round again once my boyfriend was home from his tour because I wanted to keep everyone happy and then we could all spend time together.
I made an effort with her and she never! What I got in return was a drunk abusive mouthful in a pub which I did not deserve. But this isn't the first time she's had a drink and kicked off at me.

He is only home Friday - Sunday. He isn't someone who sponges of his mum and won't move out, he's been away from home for the past 3 years. I totally appreciate their are rules in a house and by all means help your mum when she needs you. But she totally takes advantage of him, he runs around after her and when she says jump he says how high, he isn't going to be around forever what about when we do live together? Is he going to be at her every beck an call.

I help my mum an dad when they need me, shopping lifts etc tidying around the house. But I don't bend over backwards for them all the time because I'm young I have my own life and you can't rely on others all the time.
He will arrange things with me and then cut it short because he has go and sort something for his mum.
we arrange to go out for a drink on a Saturday night, I buy a dress and I'm looking forward to it but we can't because she wants him to pick her and her friends up from a night out and he's silly enough to say yes. I don't know how many times he will leave me waiting and turn up late because he's doing her another favour.
I understand it's difficult for him but I don't think he is making it any easier for himself allowing this to go on for so long!
She needs to know that her opinion isn't wanted and to focus on herself!

I don't understand why you live at home because he's in the Navy? Why not get your own place and then you'd get plenty of privacy and not have to stay there?

If someone came to mine and left wine in my fridge I'd assume it was a thank you for letting them stay and drink it.