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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my Dad is out of line and should back off on this?

353 replies

Marmiteandjamislush · 25/02/2015 13:02

As background: It is Lent and we are very observant.

My Dad is here, as he is every day teaching the boys. I was setting the table for lunch and I put out a jug of water. DS2 (just 4) starts whinging that he doesn't want water, he wants juice. Now, to me he is just being a pain because we don't have juice with meals as a matter of course anyway, he has been very willful over the last few days anyway, because this is the first Lent that we have made him do 'properly' in that we have said no to anything sweet, fried or leaven at all and no red meat. I don't think this is a problem, his brother is just 6 and has done it from the same age. Anyway, so I serve the meal, veg broth and Matza. DS2 is still whining and refusing to eat, saying, 'I'm too thirsty, I'm too thirsty, Meenor!' His name for my Dad.

Dad then says to me 'How can you see your child suffer like this? I never denied you a drink as a child.'

I answered that I am not denying him anything, he is choosing not to drink the water and is only playing up to an audience.

A little later, [DS2still whining] I nip out to the loo, and come back to find DS2 has got a glass of squash! Angry

AIBU to think that my Dad should have stuck to my rules in my own house?

FYI, kitchen has been cleaned for Lent, so he had to purposefully walk through to my office the garage to get the juice from the child inaccessible cupboard!

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 25/02/2015 13:05

Your Dad shouldn't interfere - I don't however agree with you imposing your religious views on a 4 year old!

mytartanscarf · 25/02/2015 13:07

Everyone imposes religious views or lack thereof to an extent.

However I do think forcing a 4 year old to give something up for lent defeats the object!

Fiddlerontheroof · 25/02/2015 13:08

Wow, no. Your house your rules so your dad was being unreasonable.... But I can't believe you're denying your kids all that for lent. Surely choosing one small thing to give up would have been more appropriate ... IF you absolutely have to force religion on them. :(

CaptainAnkles · 25/02/2015 13:08

What hopping said. Four is awfully young to understand the significance of what you're choosing to do, and is clearly not old enough to decide what he believes just yet. If he always has water not juice with meals, then yes he was just playing up, but the religious side of it makes me uncomfortable.

BullshitS70 · 25/02/2015 13:09

The kids are hardly suffering by not being allowed juice, but it does sound like you are taking it very far and it seems very rigid, esp for kids to understand.

I know a lot of people who observe lent and no one goes as far as you

Joolsy · 25/02/2015 13:11

This doesn't really have anything to do with Lent, just the fact that you only serve water with meals anyway, Lent or not, which I think is perfectly reasonable and wish I'd done that from an early age with my kids. So YANBU in this respect.

Quitelikely · 25/02/2015 13:11

Yes it was unreasonable but honestly I would let this go. It's a minor thing and great that it is enough to upset you because it means everything else in your life must be going well.

I mean this in the nicest possible way. Smile

PrimalLass · 25/02/2015 13:12

I can't get past the Lent thing - sorry.

PintofCiderPlease · 25/02/2015 13:13

Nothing sweet, fried, leaven or red meat???

Seriously???

I don't think your dad is out of line at all.

That's pretty heavy going for a young child. Most people struggle with just chocolate.....

Word of warning - I grew up in a heavily religious household, with all sorts of strict rules - I am still scarred by it all. I want NOTHING to do with my parents church. DM was so upset on my last visit that I wouldn't go to her church that I'm even considering not staying with her next time I travel to avoid even that much reference to it.

Keep it up ad you could lose your children from your religious entirely.

firesidechat · 25/02/2015 13:13

I always associated being observant with being Jewish. Are you Christian? Never heard of Christians going this far for lent either.

kewtogetin · 25/02/2015 13:14

You are being massively unreasonable to expect a four year old to observe lent as strictly as you do. I suspect your father thinks this too and that is why he gave your son juice.
Your religion is important to you but it's not as important to your children. You can teach them about religion in a child friendly fashion but It shouldn't include them observing lent in such a strict fashion, I think you're being cruel and frenzied.

AuntieDee · 25/02/2015 13:14

I think you are being unreasonable expecting a child as young as 4 to give up all that for lent - one thing fair enough... Muslins don't make young children fast - they are a bit more sensible about things.

TywysogesGymraeg · 25/02/2015 13:16

Is your Dad the same religion as you?

I do, in principle, think that your Dad should stick to your rules, but then I also think that the grandparents' role is to spoil their grandchildren! Can you come to some kind of compromise where you have a middle ground of food and drink that is not strictly forbidden, but discouraged, where your Dad can give in to the grandkids without incurring your wrath too much?

Abra1d · 25/02/2015 13:17

I am a cradle Catholic and when I was little we treated Lent seriously but I have never heard of people giving up leaven products.

Sleeplessinstreatham99 · 25/02/2015 13:17

OTT OP.

Perhaps if you'd asked kids to give up chocolate or sweets, but that sounds very extreme and way beyond a 4yo.

I was brought up an Irish catholic. I go to CofE church on odd occasions, but am totally anti catholic for a variety of reasons. I can understand what Pintof Cider says.

googoodolly · 25/02/2015 13:19

I think you're extremely unreasonable to expect a four year old to understand Lent. He's FOUR. It's often a struggle getting a four year old to eat a varied diet anyway, so restricting it for no good reason (ie, not due to allergies) doesn't sound smart to me.

The water thing is different not really relevant to that, though. If you only ever serve water with meals, he was just having a tantrum and your dad shouldn't have interfered.

Moniker1 · 25/02/2015 13:19

She said water with meals was the norm!!!!!!!!!!

OP, can you give a good incentive to DS2 to follow the rules, eg wont' it be great if we stick to the rules there will be a big chocolate egg for you both at the end or similar.

WayfaringStranger · 25/02/2015 13:19

I'm on the fence. I do think your dad should respect that it's your home, your children and your rules. However, I find your strict religious rules far too harsh for a small child.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 25/02/2015 13:20

Does your 4 year old understand why he's suddenly not allowed all these things? He obviously has them some times or they wouldn't be in the house. I don't agree with your dad overriding you, but I don't agree with you imposing sudden and strict restrictions on a 4 year old who likely doesn't understand, or even care about, the religious reasons for them.

JackSkellington · 25/02/2015 13:20

Maybe he doesn't want to observe Lent, I would imagine a 4 year old (usually) isn't old enough to decide if they want to follow a religion.

PintofCiderPlease · 25/02/2015 13:22

Water with the meal may have been the norm, but the child was probably craving something a bit sweeter due to the restrictions he's been on for the last week! So I can understand why he was acting the way he was.

After a week of restrictions I go a bit barmy myself...

TywysogesGymraeg · 25/02/2015 13:23

Why is it that non-religious people see religious people as "forcing" religion on their children, but not that they are "forcing" non-religion on theirs?

Four year olds don't get to chose what to eat - Lent or no Lent. And four year olds don't get the choice of whether or not to observe Lent. As long as they are getting plenty to eat and drink, then I don't see the problem in asking a 4 year old to do without anything sweet, or red meet for 40 days.
In my house they get what they're given, and if I say we're not having any chocolate this week, then we're not having any chocolate, regardles of what day/week/month it is.

BTW - I'm not religious.

AmateurSeamstress · 25/02/2015 13:23

Generally I'd say your house, your rules, and no matter his own feelings he shouldn't have undermined you like that. I'd say even your partner should have backed you up, and a GP more so.

But with your dad there every day teaching the boys (does he home educate them?), and what sounds like quite a traditional setup (forgive me if this is wrong), the boundaries might be different in your family. Does he have a habit of overruling you?

MildDrPepperAddiction · 25/02/2015 13:24

I agree with everyone else on here. On the face of it, your dad was bu as it's your house so your rules apply.

However you are expecting an awful lot from your 4yo. Maybe back off a bit on the giving things up aspect and encourage him to take something up?

dementedpixie · 25/02/2015 13:25

when would they normally get squash then as you obviously have it in the house?

You are expecting a lot of your children to give up all those food items. Could you not have worked with them to get them to choose 1 thing to give up rather than choosing for them (and to such an extent)?