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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my Dad is out of line and should back off on this?

353 replies

Marmiteandjamislush · 25/02/2015 13:02

As background: It is Lent and we are very observant.

My Dad is here, as he is every day teaching the boys. I was setting the table for lunch and I put out a jug of water. DS2 (just 4) starts whinging that he doesn't want water, he wants juice. Now, to me he is just being a pain because we don't have juice with meals as a matter of course anyway, he has been very willful over the last few days anyway, because this is the first Lent that we have made him do 'properly' in that we have said no to anything sweet, fried or leaven at all and no red meat. I don't think this is a problem, his brother is just 6 and has done it from the same age. Anyway, so I serve the meal, veg broth and Matza. DS2 is still whining and refusing to eat, saying, 'I'm too thirsty, I'm too thirsty, Meenor!' His name for my Dad.

Dad then says to me 'How can you see your child suffer like this? I never denied you a drink as a child.'

I answered that I am not denying him anything, he is choosing not to drink the water and is only playing up to an audience.

A little later, [DS2still whining] I nip out to the loo, and come back to find DS2 has got a glass of squash! Angry

AIBU to think that my Dad should have stuck to my rules in my own house?

FYI, kitchen has been cleaned for Lent, so he had to purposefully walk through to my office the garage to get the juice from the child inaccessible cupboard!

OP posts:
Popsandpip · 25/02/2015 13:25

I think the observance of Lent is a red herring in this instance.
You say you only serve water during meals usually and your son has been wilful the last few days. You reinforced your rule and wished to ensure your son only drank water. Your Dad undermined you in your house and should have not facilitated your son breaking the rules. Therefore, YANBU.

PintofCiderPlease · 25/02/2015 13:26

TywysogesGymraeg - funny you should say that, because many people WOULD consider me religious. I was the op on a thread being told off for insisting my DC have some involvement with my church. But even I think it's over the top.

MimiSunshine · 25/02/2015 13:27

Exactly what Popsandpip said. Lent has nothing to do with it but you'll get lots of people telling you how awful it is that you enforce your religious views on a child and totally missing the point.

FlabbyMummy · 25/02/2015 13:30

YANBU to not give juice at lunch if you don't normally and to be upset that your Dad didn't back you up but I am shocked by your extreme behaviour regards Lent and I very much suspect that your Dad was shocked too, he likely wanted to soften this for your very young Child or just to get him a drink with his lunch.

Do other people in your Church observe Lent in such a strict way, enforcing it on such young Children. Would giving up one thing not work the same, something that they would miss. I would speak to people in Church about this, maybe your Priest, as you really have taken this to the extreme.

I say this as a Catholic, observing Lent currently by giving up wine and cake.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 25/02/2015 13:30

Of course her son has been wilful in the last few days...he's a 4 year old who's suddenly not allowed an awful lot of things that 4 year olds like.

JackSkellington · 25/02/2015 13:31

Also on the point of religious and non-religious parents possibly forcing it on children, my parents are an atheist and an agnostic, but gave me books and took me to museums and other places where I could learn about religion. I ended up an atheist but still find religion interesting.

TywysogesGymraeg · 25/02/2015 13:32

Surely all parents enforce their religious views on their children (or tha majority do at any rate) - even if their religious views are that religion is ninkompoop.

Children can chose for themselves once they're adults, but at 4, your religious views, and your views on what's good/bad manners, or anything else for that matter, are those of your parents (if indeed a 4 yo can be said to be mature enough to have formed views at all).

dementedpixie · 25/02/2015 13:33

does that mean he can't have bread, cakes, biscuits and other baked goods too?

DisappointedOne · 25/02/2015 13:35

"Why is it that non-religious people see religious people as "forcing" religion on their children, but not that they are "forcing" non-religion on theirs?"

Non-religion has no impact on our lives. We don't observe anything so it just doesn't happen. There's no forcing. We aren't telling DD what to believe, she's free to make her own mind up. Which isn't the case when parents force their children to observe their beliefs.

"Four year olds don't get to chose what to eat - Lent or no Lent. And four year olds don't get the choice of whether or not to observe Lent. As long as they are getting plenty to eat and drink, then I don't see the problem in asking a 4 year old to do without anything sweet, or red meet for 40 days.
In my house they get what they're given, and if I say we're not having any chocolate this week, then we're not having any chocolate, regardles of what day/week/month it is."

My 4 year old gets a say in what she eats. I'm not running a concentration camp.

Hoppinggreen · 25/02/2015 13:35

I don't think you can force " non religion" or " non" anything on anyone as it's just a lack of something.
Having water only at meals is no big deal but severely restricting a 4 year olds diet for some concept he really can't understand is VERY unreasonable.

OnlyLovers · 25/02/2015 13:36

YANBU. It's your home and your children. Your father had no right to undermine you.

Plus it's not as though he was being made to give up his usual squash with dinner; water at meals, not squash or juice, is the norm.

I say this as someone who has no truck with organised religion of any stripe, BTW.

Yokohamajojo · 25/02/2015 13:36

Not that it matters but I am curious as to what religion you follow, are you Jewish or Christian? What is your father teaching your kids?

For a non-religious person like me it does feel rather strict, but then again many of my friends do Ramadan quite strictly and their kids don't seem to mind, and other friends are vegetarian/vegan and 'force' that upon their kids. The fact that your father overrode you in the water/squash decision is wrong though, your house your rules! and if he normally has water with meals why should he have juice all of a sudden

EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 25/02/2015 13:37

I don't think the OP was asking anything about her religious beliefs, so not sure why everyone comments on them. In her house, they give up certain foods for religious reasons at this time of year. The kids aren't going to starve as a result.

(pagan here, we don't give up anything... not that it's relevent)

the key issue here is that she told her child "no" and her father went expressly against that the moment he could. I'd be livid!

DisappointedOne · 25/02/2015 13:37

Actually, not only do we not observe lent (or any other religious festival) but DD has already eaten half of a chocolate owl she was given by my sister. I see it as redressing the balance. ;)

LineRunner · 25/02/2015 13:38

Does your father perhaps think your interpretation of Lent is misguided?

DisappointedOne · 25/02/2015 13:40

"Surely all parents enforce their religious views on their children (or tha majority do at any rate) - even if their religious views are that religion is ninkompoop.

Children can chose for themselves once they're adults, but at 4, your religious views, and your views on what's good/bad manners, or anything else for that matter, are those of your parents (if indeed a 4 yo can be said to be mature enough to have formed views at all)."

Nope. DD's non-faith (but pushes religion down their throats anyway Hmm) school has had DD questioning some things. We just tell her the facts in a "some people believe" kind of way. Ditto other made up things like fairies, santa and the tooth fairy. She's 100% free to make up her own mind.

netty7070 · 25/02/2015 13:40

.

lottiegarbanzo · 25/02/2015 13:40

You shouldn't have mentioned Lent...

To paraphrase you, 'Our children always drink water with meals, juice is a rare treat / something we have at breakfast occasionally. My dad did this....'

Your son was trying it on with your dad, who should have backed you up and who undermined you badly.

Having said that, your dad was, very deliberately, making a point. Why not talk to him about his point of view?

freelanceconundrum · 25/02/2015 13:41

YABU for being religious

YABU for expecting a four year old to follow it (what is your understanding of his concept of time)

Your dad was NBU as he can see you are behaving like a loon.

QuintessentiallyInShade · 25/02/2015 13:41

Are you sure it is lent you are talking about???

Branleuse · 25/02/2015 13:41

i think hes too young to enforce a strict lent on him

netty7070 · 25/02/2015 13:42

Pardon my ignorance, but I didn't think that Jewish people observed Lent.

Apologies if I have missed something crucial - the reference to matza has led me to assume that you are Jewish.

NickiFury · 25/02/2015 13:46

I know exactly what kind of person I am dealing with the second I hear the word "wilful" and it's not a positive association.

Stop forcing your extreme religious views on your children. If YOU must have an imaginary friend then it should not be forced on your children and if you can't stop yourself it should be in the form of background guidelines only not ridiculously strict and extreme "rules".

This post has made me really Angry and it's not with your Dad.

firesidechat · 25/02/2015 13:47

Pardon my ignorance, but I didn't think that Jewish people observed Lent.

They don't.

I wish the op would come back and explain more. I'm imagining a fundamentalist cult and that may be unfair.

As for those saying that the lent thing isn't the issue, it was the op who mentioned it. Without that we would all have said that dad was being unreasonable.

ChipDip · 25/02/2015 13:47

I do agree with your dad here. You are being hugely ott on a 4yo. All of a sudden all sweet stuff has been banished, how is he supposed to process what it's all about. He's 4yo!