AIBU to find a letter from school addressed to Mr and Mrs offensive?

[SunnyBaudelaire]

or am I being over sensitive?

DD enrolled in D of E and since then I get endless mail, from a teacher at the school who is in charge of it. The last one was addressed to ,
'Mr and Mrs Baudelaire'.

Right there never has been a Mr Baudelaire as I did not change my name on marriage. Anyway we are divorced now and he has nothing to do with us.

The school's contact details would make this quite clear, plus we have had enough meetings with the school over the years for this to be known!
DD is now in year 11. REally I am hoping to let off steam here and not send a vitriolic message to the school!

AIBU? It is the assumptions that annoy me.

DC's tiny school send generic/class letters out addressed to 'Dear Parents/Carers...'

Where a more personal letter is coming out (such as changes to medical plans, etc.) the administrator addresses them personally to the lead carer as per the data held by the school. As I am down as lead carer for DC, those letters come specifically addressed to me, 'Mrs Bunnyjo'.

DC's school has less than 100 children on roll, so this is relatively easier for them to achieve than in a huge school.

As a default, I do think that schools should use 'To the Parent/Carer of ...' rather than making any assumptions.

Noodle Some parents may show lack of consideration for the school staff, however this does not justify school staff showing lack of consideration for parents. And the staff are paid. They have professional status which affects their standing in the community, like it or not, legally, as they can be counter-signatories for pass ports, for example.

But we aren't paid to do DofE I will get the same salary whether I do it or not.

I don't show a lack of consideration for parents. Just puts a lot of people off getting involved with these things being treated so poorly for something they volunteer to do for no good reason.

As I said I try to avoid using names to avoid offense but then I know some get offended at being referred to as x's mum but forgive me for not remembering the name of someone I have often never met before if I have not taught them!

I was brought up by my nan and her DH. They had different names from me and most school letters were addressed parent/guardian. I always used to scribble parent out as it really rankled.

On occasion it would be Mr and Mrs Bag (my surname, not theirs) and it would piss me right off (my nan wouldn't have cared though) so on that basis YANBU. Especially as they are in year 11 and have had plenty of time to get it right (although it appears they even know this isn't right which does make them more U).

OP, YANBU. I am married but I am a Ms RudeActually. When men start denoting their marital status on their titles, then I will too ie hopefully never.

I can beat this though, DH and I attended a meeting with previous HT who was so ineffectual and rude we decided any further correspondence would be via email so we had a written record. I duly emailed him and he REPLIED TO DH, SAYING "as I told MRS in the meeting..."

Now that is FUCKING RUDE!!!!!

Noodle Whether you are paid for D of E or not, the perception of you is still affected by your professional standing because you have professional standing. Just as a Doctor could be called upon in an emergency out of hours or on holiday. Added to this I would hope you would behave as professionally in a volunteer role as a paid role.

Yes, parents will get the wrong end of the stick and perhaps assume you have taught or know their child. However this comes with the territory. Just because a role is voluntary people still want their child to be looked after properly. Which includes knowing or at least being able to find out the correct contact details. If an organiser cannot manage this properly, people may wonder how well an emergency situation would be handled.

Yanbu.

I understand it may be easier for the school to assume that the parents of john x are mr and mrs x, but being easier doesnt make it right.

If having a system that maps each pupil's name into the name of his parents or guardian is to much they should addres correspondance to the parent or guardian of john x. Less personal? Maybe, but definitely correct. But being called by a name that is not yours is even more impersonal.

Poor you Noodle, no wonder nobody wants to do these extra voluntary roles due to the backlash you would get.

Offensive? Over sensitive? Here, have a grip!

YANBU. It is not the pissing 1950s. There was a receptionist at my DC's high school who, when I called the school about something used to say "and you are Mrs ...?" rather than ask my actual name. I used to find it infuriating, presumptuous and sanctimonious. I have never had the same surname as DCs and have never been married to anyone. Eventually I started every conversation with "My name is Faithless Smith, I am the parent of DC1/2 ...".
The school did always address correspondence to "The parent/ Guardian of .." however, which is more appropriate in my view.

I'm constantly astonished that even in this day an age it is assumed by so many that I am/was married - as I have DC

OP YANBU - the schools collate full information on parent's names addresses etc to hold on file. They know full well what the parents names are, and what the children's names are.

I volunteer, not D of E, but not far off. I wouldn't be offended if someone let me know that I had addressed them incorrectly.

We use Parents/Carers as an easy catch all, and things like asking for children's names to be written on the backs of cheques, as we know parents surnames don't necessarily match up with the children's.

Surely that's just common sense nowadays?

I didn't even notice there is a change from Parents and Guardians, to Parent and Carers. When and why did that come about?

I think there are far more important things to get foaming at the mouth about.

It is actually perfectly possible to be cross about something and think it should be changed without "foaming at the mouth" about it. But using language like that an excellent way to conceal one's own underthinking.

Looked after children have "carers" rather than "guardians". I think there is a legal difference but I don't know what it is.

We get "carers". My children aren't looked after. There is of course a legal difference, but either is fine on an envelope. It can't be used to prove a point in a court of law.

I was a d of e coordinator for my school. I shared the role with a peer for our gold services section.

We were sixth formers. Sure as hell didn't get paid.

Letters went to participants. Part of the point is to take responsibility. For yourself

Misses point of thread.

Incidentally, I'm dr knitter, dd is miss DP's name. If he Marrys me I probably will keep knitter.

It is actually perfectly possible to be cross about something and think it should be changed without "foaming at the mouth" about it. But using language like that an excellent way to conceal one's own underthinking.

Hakluyt I'm going to steal that response, brilliant.

YANBU OP. I wouldn't be "offended" - since it's not an insult - but I would certainly judge the school for being lazy, prejudiced and/or presumptuous in assuming that all parenting set ups must consist of a married, name-changed, hetero couple.

Especially when they have a perfectly good alternative in the form of "To the parent/carer of Child X"

It's just a bit rude isn't it, in the way that calling anyone by the wrong name is rude.

I don't think a little civility is too much to expect. 'parent/carer' resolves the issue if some people find it far too difficult.

Years ago I had a message from DD's school on my ansafone addressed to Mr YNK, then calling him by his first name in a very chatty tone.

Mr YNK had left us 10yrs previously although me and my children continued to suffer terrible abuse and harrassment from him.
I think the issue was he held a very senior position in the local authority!

For years I've been called 'Mrs Unlucky' by most teachers - I'm not married, never have been. For years I got called 'Miss Unlucky' by the secretary who knows I'm not married...10 yrs ago when I filled in the first form I thought was a bit sniffy - so much that I almost (and accurately) said it actually it isn't Miss, its Dr ...but I would have felt like a twat now - she is really lovely and we are now on first name terms ... all is forgiven)
DCs have two surnames but normally use mine. DP is around ...
We get 'to the parents and carers of' or Miss Unlucky and Mr DP's surname - but I wouldn't care whatever they put... as long as it wasn't rude....
All the teachers can't be expected to be on top of who is or isn't married, shares the same surname as their DP/DH, DCs or doesn't ...
(My personal bug bear is the parents of children like mine who have two long surnames who insist you use both ...are you really going to expect them to learn to spell both? And when I have to put the names in a list it means the column has to be super wide to accommodate it ...)

Return the letter with a comment like "not known at this address" Your situation is not exactly unusual and schools should be correct, they should be teaching children correct ways to address letters.
YANBU and should ell the school to get it right, (I assume you pay Cou cil Tax so in effect are paying part of the staff wages and as a paying customer you deserve respect etc)

It's outdated, lazy, sexist and factually incorrect, so YANBU. Offended is a bit strong perhaps as it wasn't done with intent to insult, but it is sad that in this day and age these assumptions are still made.

My children's school was great. Always addressed as wished. Parents who were married, not married, not taken husband's name etc. and what impressed me more was after my husband died all data bases were changed to Mrs x musical. I am Dr x other name at work. And Mrs x musical at home and really expect people to get it right though I do get Dr x Musical occasionally. I kept my maiden name for work.