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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find a letter from school addressed to Mr and Mrs offensive?

210 replies

SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 11:26

or am I being over sensitive?

DD enrolled in D of E and since then I get endless mail, from a teacher at the school who is in charge of it. The last one was addressed to ,
'Mr and Mrs Baudelaire'.

Right there never has been a Mr Baudelaire as I did not change my name on marriage. Anyway we are divorced now and he has nothing to do with us.

The school's contact details would make this quite clear, plus we have had enough meetings with the school over the years for this to be known!
DD is now in year 11. REally I am hoping to let off steam here and not send a vitriolic message to the school!

AIBU? It is the assumptions that annoy me.

OP posts:
capsium · 25/02/2015 13:19

You could be horrible an incorrectly title all correspondence to that teacher...'Auntie' seems suitable. Wink

FlabbyMummy · 25/02/2015 13:20

Offensive?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 25/02/2015 13:21

YNBU. I find it offensive, too hate being called Mrs insert here. They have it on record that I am miss! FGS. It's not hard. Dd has my name as will any subsequent children.
By calling me Mrs. I feel it totally changes my family history. Yes I'm a very deep thinker
Please teachers and staff pay more attention.

Floggingmolly · 25/02/2015 13:21

Of course they didn't, Hak. They'll just have used Mailmerge, surely? The days of handwritten envelopes are long gone. The data will have been input once only, it won't be accessed afresh each time op gets a letter

Moniker1 · 25/02/2015 13:22

Oh, I thought you meant Mr and Mrs Offensive - and thought what the hell had you said to the school!!

SaucyJack · 25/02/2015 13:22

Fair point about the OPs correct name being next to the address on the computer record.

Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 13:23

no molly it was handwritten . As I said.
mailmerge or official school stuff comes addressed to 'parent carer of'.
As I said.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 13:23

lol moniker

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 25/02/2015 13:24

Sorry. I didn't hear you say it...

Pinkje · 25/02/2015 13:24

I was briefly a D of E treasurer and so occasionally would need to address parents, chasing up payments or for refunds. I had NO access to child's school records (being just another parent myself) and I would have been horrified to think there could be this kind of backlash over the addressing of an envelope! As a PP said, it is a thankless voluntary role.

I think YABU.

Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 13:25

well then RTFT before diving in with patronising comments?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 25/02/2015 13:26

OK...

ghostyslovesheep · 25/02/2015 13:26

we definately need a 'fuck you you gaody fucker' face Hmm this just isn't enough any more Grin

capsium · 25/02/2015 13:27

Pinkje But surely you would have just explained if a parent queried it. Are parents supposed to know all the fine details concerning organisation of roles within the school? Even when school do not tell them? Why should a volunteer be left to address letters without access to a contact list? Why would a volunteer be left to chase payments for that matter....?

Pinkje · 25/02/2015 13:30

capsium In our case 95% of Dof E stuff was outsourced to us volunteer parents, and yes, that did include chasing up registration fees.

climbing · 25/02/2015 13:33

YANBU

What if Mr Baudelaire had recently died in a nasty bog snorkelling accident?

Bit insensitive imo.

WorkingBling · 25/02/2015 13:34

This thread has been popping up on my active convos for hours. I tried to avoid clicking... but I can't.

Of course OP is NBU. FFS. It's a) not her name and b) the second person doesn't even exist.

Here's a question for everyone saying don't worry about it, don't get your "knickers" in a twist - how would your DH/DP feel if post regularly came for him using the wrong name or type of address? Would you be so relaxed and casual? Honestly now. I know there will be lots of you saying, "of course he won't care and it's just a letter" but I think you're kidding yourselves. Because of course, the situation NEVER comes up. Men don't have this problem. Men don't get addressed incorrectly.

If DH is addressed as Mr Working, which happens at hotels etc as I tend to make the booking, he corrects them. The person is always suitably apologetic. I am certain, that should I be addressed as Mrs DHName, the person would be rolling their eyes at me correcting them.

capsium · 25/02/2015 13:35

Pinkje

Well, all I can say is that an unreasonable amount has been outsourced because to do this kind of work you need the correct tools to do it with, such as contact lists. I also hope you received the correct training etc. I also hope the school makes it clear how much of the course is run by volunteers.

Mrsjayy · 25/02/2015 13:38

Wellll Grin mr jay has a name that would be seen as female these days and he gets letters and phone calls asking for mrs or miss A Lot

Noodledoodledoo · 25/02/2015 13:44

capsium

From my point of view the parents are told all staff (mostly teachers but a couple of support staff as well) are doing it voluntarily.

It makes zero difference they still expect the world!

capsium · 25/02/2015 13:51

Noodle They are concerned for their children and that things are done properly that is all. Comes with the territory. D of E needs to be well organised, especially due to the nature of the course. Anything which shows inefficient management will naturally be of concern.

Marynary · 25/02/2015 13:53

There are always some who are not happy. My children went to a small school where everyone was known personally. I would think it rather slack to send me a letter to 'parent or guardian of'

Why should they remember which parents do and don't have the same name as the children's? I would rather they use their brains and assume some names will be different but not waste their time working out who is or isn't Mr and Mrs..

Noodledoodledoo · 25/02/2015 13:57

capsium I appreciate that but sometimes the way we are treated is not due to 'worry about thier safety' its acutally showing a lack of consideration for the staff.

For example complaining to the head when we refuse to rearrange the whole weekend expedition, which the dates are set for in September for the following May and June, due to one child out of 40 no longer being able to attend.

The example I mentioned above - the parents were shouting at the leader in a car park whilst 3 other members of staff were trying to locate the students - we had last seen them about a mile away from the finish point. When they were discoverd at the cricket pitch and finished the walk, not one parent thought the students had made an ill thought out decision and it was still our fault they were late back!

SylvaniansAtEase · 25/02/2015 13:58

YANBU OP.

So easy to simply address to 'Parent/Carer of...'

There it is, a simple, easy, effective and correct term which cannot be misconstrued, is always accurate, and offensive to nobody. The common-sense default.

Mr. &Mrs.?!

yup, a brilliant default! As long as you completely discount:

  • single parents, of whatever sex;
  • unmarried parents;
  • same sex parents;
  • married parents who have different surnames;
  • and also let's not forget that by choosing to use a surname which is that of one of the parents, you may actually be selecting a surname which doesn't even link to the child in question.

Ooh makes perfect sense! Oh, and apparently, the best predictor for achievement in children is the level of education of the mother (that's right, the mother) - so, what would be EVEN BETTER (if we're looking at encouraging the masses to put the kiddies first by our chosen mode of address) would be to get the schools to start using 'Dr. & Mr.'

Grin
LoofahVanDross · 25/02/2015 13:58

Marynary, as I said my dc/go to a very small school. I have always been addressed as Mrs Dross Grin when speaking face to face and all letters the same, so I would think it rather slack to send me a letter to parent or carer/guardian or whatever they say these days.

BUT, if they were at a larger school then of course the above would be fully acceptable IMO. I would be more concerned about the content of the letter tbh, i,e are they in trouble Grin