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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find a letter from school addressed to Mr and Mrs offensive?

210 replies

SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 11:26

or am I being over sensitive?

DD enrolled in D of E and since then I get endless mail, from a teacher at the school who is in charge of it. The last one was addressed to ,
'Mr and Mrs Baudelaire'.

Right there never has been a Mr Baudelaire as I did not change my name on marriage. Anyway we are divorced now and he has nothing to do with us.

The school's contact details would make this quite clear, plus we have had enough meetings with the school over the years for this to be known!
DD is now in year 11. REally I am hoping to let off steam here and not send a vitriolic message to the school!

AIBU? It is the assumptions that annoy me.

OP posts:
ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 25/02/2015 12:15

Ideally the school would be able to send out letter properly addressed according to that family's personal circumstances. But since they can't 'parent/carer of...' would do the job.

Anonimousy · 25/02/2015 12:15

YANBU - I have exactly the same thing from my dd's school.

Siarie · 25/02/2015 12:18

School use electronic systems for printing most of this stuff now. It won't be personal at all, usually parents who have certain requests for their names do get amended but sometimes things are missed if new templates are thrown in.

Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 12:19

it was handwritten from the D of E coordinator, not a mail merge.
Obviously on the school records just my name is there.
That is because Mr B does not exist.

OP posts:
Siarie · 25/02/2015 12:21

Sunny In that case I expect the person who wrote it just didn't think, or possibly your records held aren't correct. I doubt they were trying to offend you.

Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 12:24

ffs I really do not suppose that anyone was 'trying to offend me' I just think that it is unwittingly rude. Yes our records are correct as I have been a lone parent for fifteen years.
If you cannot be arsed to read the thread, please do not reply.

OP posts:
wanttosqueezeyou · 25/02/2015 12:24

Yanbu to be concerned that this teacher has used a name you've never had and added a person that hasn't been there for 15 years.

Sloppy. If s/he can't manage the basics what else is being missed?

Stunned at batterys suggestion that we should default to Mr and Mrs regardless of everything (including actual name, bereavement, abusive partner).

Marynary · 25/02/2015 12:25

it was handwritten from the D of E coordinator, not a mail merge.

Then I would just assume that the D of E coordinator (whoever that is) is a bit thick if they haven't considered the fact that not every child has married parents. I would let them know to be honest.

rumbleinthrjungle · 25/02/2015 12:26

Gawd. Have you any idea what it's like trying to keep track of the correct surnames/preferred titles of several hundred families through a school year? When there's other things to do like, you know, teach? Or get messages to the adults involved with the child.

Agree, parent/carer of (child) is the quick way to escape accidentally causing high offense by not knowing the exact correct way parents have chosen to title themselves.

CluckingBelle · 25/02/2015 12:27

I would be annoyed too op.

After spending several months in refuge, moving into a new house in a new town, settling do into a new school, I was pretty pissed (and shook up) to find a letter on my doormat address to Mr Ex and Ms (MyName). I hadn't even provided the school with his name and they were sending letters to him at my new address.

AnnieLobeseder · 25/02/2015 12:28

Norland, even being a Dr doesn't necessarily help. I went into the DD's new school on Monday (inset day) and left my details. When we went back yesterday the receptionist said, "I see Dr Lobeseder was here yesterday. Are you Mrs Lobeseder then?"

Angry
Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 12:28

no it is not about 'how I have chosen to title myself' it is addressed to a person WHO DOES NOT EXIST.
ffs.
I do not expect anyone to 'trawl through' anything.
If she got my address from school records then it is quite clear that I am a single person.
Besides, yes 'parent carer of' what is the big deal?

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 25/02/2015 12:30

That would piss me right off our school get over that by having the parents or guardians of ,,, then the address parents come in different marital and name statuses no need for them to assume mr and mrs its ridiculous

LoofahVanDross · 25/02/2015 12:30

Rumble - i'm on your page with this.

But can you imagine the furore of some parents who would say 'parent or carer of' shows that the school cannot be bothered to address it to Mr, Mrs, Reverend, blah blah

They will never please everyone, so that is why no offense should be taken.

Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 12:32

actually loofah no I cannot 'imagine that furore' I think the vast majority of people would know exactly why that is the standard.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 25/02/2015 12:34

Infact I think the last letter I got was parents or carer the guardian was dropped

LoofahVanDross · 25/02/2015 12:35

Well let's agree to disagree.

There are always some who are not happy. My children went to a small school where everyone was known personally. I would think it rather slack to send me a letter to 'parent or guardian of'

Pico2 · 25/02/2015 12:35

Are you aware that teachers aren't paid to run D of E? They give up their evenings, weekends and chunks of holiday altruistically so that your child gets the opportunity to participate.

Have you or you child ever thanked the teacher for their work on D of E? Many parents and children don't.

Yes, addressing you as Mr & Mrs was thoughtless. But in the scale of things I think you should let it go.

neolara · 25/02/2015 12:35

If it was handwritten by the teacher, I guess the question to ask is would you rather the teacher spent 2 minutes looking up each child's name on the computer, or those 2 minutes preparing lessons. If it's one child, it might be OK, but if it's 30 kids, that's an hour of their time. I know what I'd want my kids' teachers to do. Of course, as others have said, the much more sensible option is "carer / parent of....".

Mrsjayy · 25/02/2015 12:36

Surely the parents of is an overall thing marital status isn't important when you are writing home about x y z

Jessica147 · 25/02/2015 12:38

Sunny, do you have any idea how much extra work (usually for no extra pay) being DofE coordinator is? Our previous one left at the end of last year, and literally nobody is willing to do it - its not worth the hassle you get from parents. So the kids at our school don't get to do DofE anymore. Why not just send a polite email reminder, along with a thank you for the extra work?

Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 12:38

"Are you aware that teachers aren't paid to run D of E? They give up their evenings, weekends and chunks of holiday altruistically so that your child gets the opportunity to participate"
quite honestly that really doesn't bother me, it is what they choose to do. Nobody is forcing them are they?

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 25/02/2015 12:39

Writing mr and mrs is disrespectful it isn't some oversight it is an assumption school records are there for a reason the teacher managed to get the address right so why not the person who it was addressed too

Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 12:39

Besides DD did not even do D of E in the end after signing up. grrrrrr.

OP posts:
Moonatic · 25/02/2015 12:40

"Gawd. Have you any idea what it's like trying to keep track of the correct surnames/preferred titles of several hundred families through a school year? When there's other things to do like, you know, teach? Or get messages to the adults involved with the child. "

Exactly. The teacher is not necessarily being paid any extra for running the D of E programme which can be massively time-consuming and meant to benefit the pupils. But s/he needs to spend yet more time looking at children's records just to know whether to put "Ms Brown"; "Ms Brown and Mr Smith"; "Mr & Mrs Smith" or gawd knows what on a letter about the John Smith's forthcoming expedition or whatever?

Get over yourself.