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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find a letter from school addressed to Mr and Mrs offensive?

210 replies

SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 11:26

or am I being over sensitive?

DD enrolled in D of E and since then I get endless mail, from a teacher at the school who is in charge of it. The last one was addressed to ,
'Mr and Mrs Baudelaire'.

Right there never has been a Mr Baudelaire as I did not change my name on marriage. Anyway we are divorced now and he has nothing to do with us.

The school's contact details would make this quite clear, plus we have had enough meetings with the school over the years for this to be known!
DD is now in year 11. REally I am hoping to let off steam here and not send a vitriolic message to the school!

AIBU? It is the assumptions that annoy me.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 25/02/2015 12:41

Let me help you, BatteryPoweredHen.

I'm married. Have been for a while. Plan to be for quite a while longer.

I have never been, and will never been, Mrs anything. My husband, my son and I all have different surnames.

So even using your warped logic, your assumption is still quite stupid.

LoofahVanDross · 25/02/2015 12:41

Oh well, you won't be getting any more letters addressed wrongly from her D of E tutor. Wink

Norland · 25/02/2015 12:42

Doc Annie I suppose you could've said, '..yes, I'm DOCTOR Mrs AnnieLobeseder and enjoyed a brief feeling of schadenfreude.

OP, after a quick Google, perhaps you could request your records be changed to reflect you as The Poetess Ms which would make you stand out more than Dr. (I do like Reverend however, I'm now considering using that in future)

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 25/02/2015 12:42

Yanbu. And the school are pretty lazy if they can't get the most basic of things right - ie what you're called!

I always remember when DH and I got married (I haven't and won't ever change my name) and our John Lewis wedding list stuff was delivered to Mr and Mrs his name. I think this annoyed me way more than the fact that half my china was smashed to smithereens and lots of things were out of stock. I mean - who in their right mind thinks it's acceptable to assume to know what I want to be called post-marriage, based on their very own pseudo-moral code? Even worse, when I complained, there wasn't even a hint of an apology. Apparently it was a nice gesture that 'most' couples appreciated...

Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 12:42

no I am not going to 'get over myself' I have spent the last fifteen years raising children alone with v little support from my abusive ex, and I do not like receiving mail that assumes he must still be around.

all the person had to write was 'parent carer of' what is the problem?
Every other school person seems to manage it.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 25/02/2015 12:43

Not every household have 2 parents not every household have 2 married parents so the default has to be mr and mrs and the op needs to get over herself

Groovee · 25/02/2015 12:43

On a yearly basis we get a letter home with the current contact details and we have to change them.

This just means that Mr and Mrs Groovee would be correct for my household but my friends household would be Mr H and Ms F.

I am jealous of your letters home for DoE. It's classed as dd's responsibility to inform me.

LoofahVanDross · 25/02/2015 12:43

So hae you written back to express your displeasure?

Moonatic · 25/02/2015 12:44

Oh, just noticed your opinion on this :

"Are you aware that teachers aren't paid to run D of E? They give up their evenings, weekends and chunks of holiday altruistically so that your child gets the opportunity to participate"
quite honestly that really doesn't bother me, it is what they choose to do. Nobody is forcing them are they?"

What a disgusting attitude.

Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 12:44

well obviously I will be Loofah as she signed up over two years ago and has never participated, yet I am still getting these letters. lol.

OP posts:
Noodledoodledoo · 25/02/2015 12:45

It is poor form but from the other side of the fence most DofE coordinators do it on top of thier normal teaching role, either voluntary or for minimal payment.

For me I might have been sorting the letters late one night at home without access to the school system to check names. A polite note back requesting to use just your name in future will raise and solve the issue.

Has the teacher in question ever taught your daughter - and had to contact you regarding that? In secondary I have most years 200 odd students come through my class/DofE - I try to check before I phone home the name of the parent - but sometimes I forget and I do the annoying thing of asking to talk to xxx's parent - I am human and trying to call parents is a bit of a mission somedays!

At parents evening I rarely great people by 'Hello Mr and Mrs XXX (or whatever is appropriate based on people in front of me) as I can see up to 60 students in one evening and I don't like to make assumptions of who is in front of me and cause offence.

Oh and please remember they are probably doing DofE volunarily and don't do what I had last year which was constant daily emails from a parent about her sons award - the son was reapeatedly ignoring my emails and not doing what he needed to and mum was getting ruder and ruder in her emails to me. I had just started my Mat leave at the time which she knew, and would resend the email I hadn't responded to after a couple of hours!

Mrsjayy · 25/02/2015 12:47

I am being nosey but if you are married but not mrs husbands name are you mrs your own name how does it work, sorry I know it is a massive derail but I have always wondered

HollyBdenum · 25/02/2015 12:48

There is evidence showing that children do best when their parents are lesbians. Perhaps schools should start addressing all letters home to Mrs and Mrs in the hope that the message will sink in and that the mothers will do the decent thing for their children and pick a woman to have any future children with. Or maybe we Should just accept that families come in all shapes and sizes and that just because parents are from a statistically suboptimal group (such as a man married to a woman) doesn't mean that they can't provide a loving, stable and supportive environment in which to raise their children.

Floggingmolly · 25/02/2015 12:49

Ours are addressed To the parent / Carer of XXX
I can't say it would bother me in the slightest if it was Mr. & Mrs., though... It would have fulfilled it's purpose; to ensure the letter arrived where it should.

Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 12:49

well when I got married mrsjayy we just carried on with our own names.
He was Mr Conrad and I was Ms. Baudelaire as I always had been.
My stepmother also did it and my dad used to get addressed as Mr Stepmother when she was in hospital having babies but he really did not mind.

OP posts:
HollyBdenum · 25/02/2015 12:50

Mrsjayy, most women I know are Ms Birthsurname whether or not they are married.

Mrsjayy · 25/02/2015 12:52

Ah right ok I am mrs husbands name .

JassyRadlett · 25/02/2015 12:53

I am being nosey but if you are married but not mrs husbands name are you mrs your own name how does it work, sorry I know it is a massive derail but I have always wondered.

I'm Ms Myname. He's MrHisname. Not uncommon, not rocket science.

Interestingly my mother (40 years happily married) has recently ditched Mrs for all but social correspondence. Her view is that her marital status isn't anyone's business. I agree with her.

Mrsjayy · 25/02/2015 12:55

I was unmarried when I had dc1 any letters I got for her was only addressed to me I was miss and my partnerher dad didn't even get a mention used to really annoy us.

Noodledoodledoo · 25/02/2015 12:56

Moonatic

*Oh, just noticed your opinion on this :

"Are you aware that teachers aren't paid to run D of E? They give up their evenings, weekends and chunks of holiday altruistically so that your child gets the opportunity to participate"
quite honestly that really doesn't bother me, it is what they choose to do. Nobody is forcing them are they?"

What a disgusting attitude.*

Unfortunately its the most common attitude - I do choose to do it, I don't expect oodles of gratitude for doing so, but a Thank you from the particpants/parents would be nice after giving up 3 weekends a year, politeness in emails received and also maybe not shouting at us for thier children not being back at the right time due to them choosing to sit and watch a cricket match for 90mins, after we had seen them at the last checkpoint and phoned parents and had us scouring the countryside!

Remind · 25/02/2015 12:56

"Mrsjayy, most women I know are Ms Birthsurname whether or not they are married."

Really? I only know one woman who uses Ms and she's generally considered a bit odd (not because of the Ms, but in lots of ways)

I also know hardly anyone who's kept their surname after marriage. I work in a school and teachers changing their surname tends to cause confusion for a while, but they all do it.

Is it a regional, or a class thing, do you think? Definitely, among the young women I know, practising your new signature when a wedding is pending is still an important rite.

Mrsjayy · 25/02/2015 12:56

I have never used Ms so guess that why I was asking

Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 12:56

" Her view is that her marital status isn't anyone's business. I agree with her"
I totally agree! Drives me mad when people on the phone doing sales or when you are ordering something, have to ask "Is that Miss Mrs or MZZZZ?".
I have actually answered with the question, 'Do you ask men their marital status and politics?' but it is usually lost on them.

OP posts:
Siarie · 25/02/2015 12:56

You seem pretty easily offended to me Sunny Wink

Siarie · 25/02/2015 12:57

Oh and your title says "offensive" how conflicting Grin