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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find a letter from school addressed to Mr and Mrs offensive?

210 replies

SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 11:26

or am I being over sensitive?

DD enrolled in D of E and since then I get endless mail, from a teacher at the school who is in charge of it. The last one was addressed to ,
'Mr and Mrs Baudelaire'.

Right there never has been a Mr Baudelaire as I did not change my name on marriage. Anyway we are divorced now and he has nothing to do with us.

The school's contact details would make this quite clear, plus we have had enough meetings with the school over the years for this to be known!
DD is now in year 11. REally I am hoping to let off steam here and not send a vitriolic message to the school!

AIBU? It is the assumptions that annoy me.

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 25/02/2015 11:54

BatteryPoweredHen

Biscuit
fredfredgeorgejnr · 25/02/2015 11:54

It is not the correct way to be addressed.

Ms Smith and Mr Bloggs perhaps.

ghostyslovesheep · 25/02/2015 11:58

BatteryPoweredHen maybe you could dig up my friends dead husband and force him to come back to life just so they are a better family Hmm

anyway YANBU OP I only every address letters to 'The Parents/Guardian of...' it's the accepted standard

EduCated · 25/02/2015 11:58

You could raise it in terms of wanting to check that they have the correct contact details/emergency information (especially if they're heading out on expedition) as they seem to have the incorrect details.

Norland · 25/02/2015 11:58

OP are you being addressed as Mrs

BatteryPoweredHen · 25/02/2015 11:59

So because you feel statistics suggest that marriage is good, we should promote it by refusing to acknowledge any other possibility in the way we address envelopes?

If a person were individually addressing the letters, then yes, it would be nice if they acknowledged the individual circumstances of the families involved.

In the real world, however, where a default needs to be chosen, then yes, I do think that 'Mr & Mrs' is the best choice.

As I said, I do understand that people on MN disagree with this viewpoint.

TheNothingGirl · 25/02/2015 11:59

Ywnbu to be a little annoyed at it but it would just be a case of passing comment next time you see/speak to them I don't think you need to go mad as it may be a case of they don't know or have written the envelope in auto pilot.

My children have dp's surname and now and again letters will come home to Mr and Mrs his name, it doesn't bother me in the grand scheme of things. I do have to admit though it used to a little more than annoy me when my nieces secondary school used to refer to her nanna (my dm) as her mum at teacher-parent chats-in that instance I think it should have been fed down to all her teachers that her mum was deceased so probably best not to assume that whomever was with her was a different relative.

BatteryPoweredHen · 25/02/2015 12:01

...and, just for the record, I didn't say anything about marriage being 'good' per se, just that this family set up produces the best outcomes for children.

Remind · 25/02/2015 12:02

There is research to suggest that, overall, children are better off in married two parent families. Probably, in a perfect world, all children would live in loving 2 parent families. In reality that doesn't happen and for individual children (which is all parents care about really) parents do the best job they can in the circumstances they have. Op being married to the rubbish father of her children is unlike to improve their prospects.

Regardless, how can that possibly be justification for addressing mail wrongly? What if she was widowed, would it still be OK to address it to her dead husband?

I do think the teacher involved needs some sympathy though. He's just made a mistake. After the first time he probably thinks he knows DD's family situation so is getting it right. Or he has loads to do and doesn't have easy access to the contact lists.

capsium · 25/02/2015 12:02

In the real world, however, where a default needs to be chosen, then yes, I do think that 'Mr & Mrs' is the best choice.

Why? When there are more accurate and inclusive ways to address parents and carers.

Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 12:02

maybe Debretts is just a little outdated these days.
I think I might be over reacting somewhat as my exh is being such a twat to the kids, and does not bother with them at all.
Dr Baudelaire has a nice ring to it thanks!
Battery, the default should be 'parent carer of'

OP posts:
Lucyccfc · 25/02/2015 12:03

Going back to the point of the OP's first post - I can think of worse things to get your knickers in a twist over. Just phone the school and let them know.

Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 12:04

my 'knickers are not in a twist' thank you Lucy. I was just asking what other people think. I am hardly going to waste the school receptionist's precious time with this, am I?
ffs.

OP posts:
oldcroneat39 · 25/02/2015 12:07

Where's this research and to what extent does it exclude the factor of economic stability?

Hakluyt · 25/02/2015 12:08

Good to see the professionally unoffended out in force!

They would have had to look at the records to find the address. Why then make up non existent names?

Everything from our school comes to Mr Hisname and Ms Hakluyt. Not hard- it's right there on the screen!

Hakluyt · 25/02/2015 12:09

And if we lived at different addresses there would be two letters. One to Mr Hisname and one to Ms Hakluyt. Once again, not difficult.

Original poster
SunnyBaudelaire · 25/02/2015 12:10

"Where's this research and to what extent does it exclude the factor of economic stability?"
and does it exclude the factor of being raised by a violent dad? or indeed being raised by a brainless mother?

OP posts:
ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 25/02/2015 12:10

And what if the family is Mr and Mr or Mrs and Mrs? Schools should know better, 'parent/carer of X child' is the easiest and most accurate option.

And as far as 'Mrs (Husband's First Name) MArried Surname'. I took my husband's name on marriage and that still fucks me right off. I didn't take his first name, I'm still me. Screw what Debretts says.

MojaveWanderer123 · 25/02/2015 12:10

My dh and I always get called Mr & Mrs my ex's surname (my kids surname) it never bothers us. YABU.

LoofahVanDross · 25/02/2015 12:11

Does it really matter though in the grand scheme of things? To find it 'offensive' is a little first world problem

If you are so aggrieved by it, just write back and let them know that in future ALL correspondence is to XXXX. I know you said they know about it but a reminder should suffice. Surely the content of the letter is what is important, not what is on the envelope

YouBetterWerk · 25/02/2015 12:11

YANBU OP.

What if your husband had died? Or you were gay? Or you had a different surname to your child?

As far as the Debretts link goes, thank god that is outdated now as if I got addressed to as Mrs Partners Name I can assure you he would be as mortified as I would be.

Have a Brew and calmly bring it up with them.

Jessica147 · 25/02/2015 12:12

As you are annoyed, a polite email should make sure it won't happen again. I wouldn't like to be addressed as Mrs DPs name, so I think YANBU.

Please do be polite about it though - there are millions of reasons it may have happened; it isn't necessarily the case that the teacher assumed anything.

Hakluyt · 25/02/2015 12:13

"And what if the family is Mr and Mr or Mrs and Mr"

Then that's what it would say on the contact information. With the address/addresses.

Marynary · 25/02/2015 12:14

It is a bit thick of them to call everyone "Mr and Mrs" and it doesn't say much for the school really. Letters from my childrens' school, hospital or bank, always just say "parent or guardian of..."

EauPea · 25/02/2015 12:15

Personally I think Reverend Baudelaire has a finer ring to it Grin