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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend said this was pfb

400 replies

holidayroad · 24/02/2015 14:17

I was talking to my friend the other day, she asked what schools I put down for my DD's primary school admission (she starts reception in September).

The schools near me are all oversubscribed and we have visited 5 of them. I explained that we had struggled to narrow down our choice after visiting the first 5, so arranged to visit them all again just before the closing date.

One school refused to allow us a 2nd visit - now I appreciate that it is a big school and a lot of parents want their DC to go there, but I used their refusal to allow us a 2nd visit as a basis to rule that school out as I feel if they are not prepared to go above and beyond for us on the selection basis then they cannot possibly be the best school for my DC.

My friend has DC at this school and said I was being ridiculously pfb to expect them to arrange a 2nd visit.

I think this is too important a decision to be taken lightly.

So over to you, who is BU?

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 24/02/2015 17:09

Op initially stated that if the school wouldn't go above and beyond for her pfb, it couldn't possibly be the best school for her special snowflake
Above and beyond what? Presumably what is sufficient for every other potential student who are not quite so special??
Op is very aware that what she's expecting is not the norm, but thanks she's special enough to warrent it anyway.

Jemimapuddlemuck · 24/02/2015 17:09

I think YABU and you're going to find the whole school experience quite difficult if you have expectations like this. Schools are massively overwhelmed just trying to teach the kids, they don't have time to run around after individual parents and their special requests. Your child is the centre of your universe, of course, but so is everyone else's child to their parents, and schools have to give the same time and attention to everyone. They simply wouldn't be able to accommodate requests for second visits from every parent, and for all you know they might have turned down another 20 requests before yours. I wonder if you're just feeling anxious about the whole idea of your DC starting school and that's what this is really about.

Bowlersarm · 24/02/2015 17:10

They can't have been oversubscribed then Important, like all the five the OP had the choice of applying for.

I think the ops been crazy, but surely its a moot point anyway as applications have gone in by now.

IdaClair · 24/02/2015 17:14

I didn't even visit schools once.

Maybe I am the opposite of pfb.

clam · 24/02/2015 17:14

Iamallimportant The term "in-year application" means outside of the normal application process. Doesn't matter if it's August or April.

NoRoomForALittleOne · 24/02/2015 17:24

OP, you are being very thorough and possibly finding it hard to get a feel for the school because you haven't done this before. Is there anything unreasonable about that? No. Is it a lot to ask the school for another visit? Maybe, but I think that a truly excellent school wouldn't be overwhelmed by the request. Should you make a decision about the school based on their unwillingness to accommodate you? Well, it seems a shame to rule it out but if you feel that you can't rule it in without another visit then you can't put it down, can you?

As for is this PFB behaviour? Who cares?! You are trying to do the best for your child and why that has to have such a negative label is beyond me. We are all on a steep learning curve with our first child and need support rather than ridicule. I hope that you are peaceful about your decision.

LaLyra · 24/02/2015 17:27

I visited all the schools outwith Open Days. Some schools give an insight into a normal school day and some make a huge effort on Open Days that doesn't give a true reflection (same as I don't put everything behind Ofsted report), but I think it's daft to rule out a school purely on that basis.

There's a big difference between a school saying "Sorry, but you and 100+ other people want to come for second visits and we simply can't facilitate that, but please feel free to email any questions or pop along to the spring/summer fair..." and a blunt "No." It would be an indication as to how the staff would communicate with parents for me - we ruled out the one school where the head barked orders at the visiting parents all day on the assumption that he was quite probably even worse with children for example.

I certainly wouldn't leave a catchment school off an application altogether and risk getting a much further away school. A nightmare school run can be a real drag.

cartoonsaveme · 24/02/2015 17:34

Ismallimportant position was totally different from hundreds of parents trying to secure a decent school place for reception year in an area of over subscription. I attended four tours for comparisons. Two were very realistic preferences and one was a long shot. The fourth was the school no one wanted but gets if they don't qualify for others - I wanted to see how bad or not it was. It helped me order them but the word choice is highly misleading.

var123 · 24/02/2015 17:39

The best local primary school around here doesn't allow visits outside open days. Why now? A. Because its there to teach not market itself.
This is a strong indication of the mindset which makes it a good school.

Sadly I couldn't get my children in. However, my Dc are in year 8 and year 6 now, so they are finished with / at the very end of primary school.

DS1 goes to a local secondary with the children from the good school and you can tell which children went to that school because they tend to sit in the top set, get picked for the sports teams, win prizes for art competitions, be picked for the school council etc., etc.

BuildersBum · 24/02/2015 17:41

YANBU
The school will have care of your child from a very young age, of course you want to make that decision based on as much information as possible.

clam · 24/02/2015 17:46

Builder, she's been given all the necessary information. If she had further questions, she could have asked them on the original tour, or phoned up afterwards.

mummytime · 24/02/2015 17:47

YANBU

My DCs very very oversubscribed infant and primary schools - have people visiting most weeks of the year (not SATs). Its not the same as an opne evening, but usually year 5 or 6's take parents for a tour and see the school in action warts and all.

WyrdByrd · 24/02/2015 17:52

I had to arrange second visits to two out of the three schools we were considering as my DH works term time only.

One messed us around about when we could go, one allowed us to come in at fairly short notice and the head took us round 1-2-1.

Guess which one we chose...

YANBU

clam · 24/02/2015 17:54

I hope there was more to your choice than that, wyrdbyrd. I know of a local head who would pride himself on personally-conducted tours as he loves the sound of his own voice but the school itself is in a right mess. I wouldn't work there for a minute.

var123 · 24/02/2015 18:03

WyrdByrd - and now that you are there, does the HT look after you like that whenever have an issue?

WyrdByrd · 24/02/2015 18:37

She left last year but yes, she was extremely approachable & had an open door policy to both pupils & parents alike.

On the couple of occasions I had to go in about more important issues, she made time for me there & then, and was always very encouraging of my DD's academic development both in terms of what she did in school & things she took in to show her that she'd done at home.

DD has coped ok with a new head, much to our relief, but she was absolutely heartbroken when she found out the last one was retiring.

BishopBrennansArse · 24/02/2015 18:38

I don't want to see a school 'marketing itself'.
I wanted to see the school on an average day. Not actually going around into lessons but observing lesson changeovers etc.

WyrdByrd · 24/02/2015 18:40

clam - both my DH & I work in schools so it was far from the only thing we considered, but based on a relatively level playing field with the other school we were looking at, going the extra mile like that certainly made a difference to us, as I'm sure it would to many people.

AmysTiara · 24/02/2015 18:45

If I had a friend who already had a child at the school, I would value her opinion more than ruling it out because I couldn't go for another visit so yabu

Sixgeese · 24/02/2015 18:50

YABU, the schools job is to teach children, and you and maybe over 100 others wanting a second visit takes staff away from their job which is to care for and support the children already in the school.

Littlefish · 24/02/2015 18:52

Before you discount any school, have you spoken to the local authority admissions department to find out about the the distance the furthest child lived from any of your preferred schools last year.

It is completely ridiculous to dismiss your catchment school on such spurious grounds if all the other schools are oversubscribed. On this point alone your are being PFB.

Regardless of which schools you list, if they are oversubscribed and you are out of catchment, the local authority will simply place you in a school with spaces. If you haven't listed your catchment school, then the school you are allocated could be anywhere in your local area with a space.

I think you have more research to do, and it doesn't necessarily involve visiting schools!

Suttonmum1 · 24/02/2015 18:54

Why have you started this thread now? Surely you have already shot yourself in the foot by not putting the local school at least in 5th place on your list?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 24/02/2015 18:56

Yes, PFB I didn't even bother to visit my son's school, I just put his name down and hoped for the best.

kungfupannda · 24/02/2015 19:07

"Some schools are a drive and some walking distance. catchment school is the one that didn't give us a second visit so it's out. one of the others will have to accommodate us smile"

Er, this is a joke, yes? You didn't really rule out the school you had the best chance of getting into on the basis of no 2nd visit, and assume that the others, which you say are oversubscribed, would make space somehow, did you?

Have you looked at the criteria properly? Do you have any realistic prospect of getting him into any of the others? What are you going to do if you don't?

But to answer the question, yes I think you're being PFB. The school is oversubscribed. The 30/60 children who are nearest/have siblings there/have other high criteria situations will get in. There is no incentive for the school to make special arrangements for any one family, as that family will easily be replaced by another if they take umbrage and don't apply. They don't know you, they don't know your child, and they probably have enough on their plate teaching the however many hundred children whose families were perfectly happy to send them on the basis of a single visit.

I couldn't even get to DS1's school open day. He was at the associated pre-school, and no-one ever has a bad word to say about the school, so we just stuck it down and fortunately he got a place.

reni1 · 24/02/2015 19:32

Yabu I'm afraid. I would pick the school that does not do the second visit, they clearly see teaching as their priority. This is the school that really goes "above and beyond" for the children attending.

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