To be fucked off at the fact that people won't talk about things?

[cailindana]

I'm a talker. I talk things through, sort things out, move on.

It seems that no one else in my life, bar perhaps my sister, is like that.

My parents won't talk about anything. Everything is passive-aggressive hints, sniffy one-liners. Anything that puts them in a bad light or makes them in any way uncomfortable is absolutely off limits and Must Not Ever Be Mentioned. My sister suffered a birth injury that caused her to be disabled. Did they ever once talk to her about it, tell her what had happened and what was wrong with her? Never, not once. They never ever spoke to their own daughter about her disability. When I tried to talk about being abused, it was all "you're making me feel guilty, get over it." It's never been mentioned since.

Two years ago, a long term friend and I fell out. I fucked up, I apologised, offered to talk it through, she ignored me. The friendship went very quiet. As usual, I made the first move towards reconciliation the other day, and offered to talk about what had happened. Oh no, lets not talk about it, let's just "move on." I will move on, but I am fully aware that her angry reaction was down to a heap of things she's angry about that she won't talk about. Those things are not resolved and I fully expect the friendship to go wrong again. If I don't understand what's bothering her, how can I help? How can the friendship ever improve if we don't communicate?

A different friend fucked up, I was pissed off, brought it up with him in order to get it all out in the open and sort it out. He responded briefly, then went silent. Is still silent, nearly a year later. Just won't talk to me. So, that's the end of that, years of friendship closed down.

My DH has kept silent about things for years, bottled things up. I got so fed up with it (and other things) I was on the edge of leaving. He finally opened up. Says he feels like someone has lifted the world from his shoulders. Side effect is, he cries a lot now - he can't get through even the opening credits of Call the Midwife without being in floods. But he says he feels like he's actually engaging with the world now, looking it in the eye. He talks about everything and I find his thoughts fascinating, it's like meeting a whole new wonderful person.

I see it again and again her on MN too - partners who simply won't talk to each other. It causes such misery.

I don't advocated endlessly wittering on about problems. But I do think that if something's bothering you, there is absolutely no point in storing it up and getting wound up about it - say something for god's sake!

AIBU?

No, not being unreasonable.

It just sounds as if the people around you are of the non-talking persuasion. I'm a bit like this. I don't think it's particularly good for me either. My mum wants to know the ins and outs of everything and I clam up. I carefully select things to tell her just to keep her happy.

If there was a problem, I wouldn't talk to her. I would talk to maybe one or two people - and/or my husband. I might just give the edited highlights.

Your friendships sound a mismatch of compatibility; do you have any friends that are talkers like you?

Yes, I have one friend who is very open, we just get on the phone and out it all comes but she lives very far away and I see her very seldom.

I can talk to other friends but they are still quite cagey and tend to edit things.

I don't think you have to tell the whole world everything that's going on with you, but I think it is important to at least talk to someone if you have a specific problem with them.

But why do you need to help your friend? If she's not a talker that's up to her, maybe she doesn't want to talk, maybe she doesn't like to - you sound like you want the friendship to be on your terms? To be honest I have a relative who likes to talk things out, I find her quite exhausting and have started to skip meeting up - its all her, her, her. I just want to have a bit of a chat, catch up, a few drinks, watch a film - she talks everything to death.

The situation with your family is slightly different and I understand your frustration with that.

WRT my friend I want to talk through the problems she has specifically with me, so that the friendship doesn't go belly up again. I know she has an issue with me - the falling out we had was over something relatively small and it was clear there was a lot more behind it, but if she won't talk to me what can I do?

Oh I completely agree with that. If you have a problem with somebody you owe it to them to be upfront and honest about it so that you can get it sorted out.

I don't know why your friends (or even me) would do editing, but we clearly do it. I don't understand the reasons behind it because you presumably love them and want what's good for them... so why be cagey with you? Why do we do that?

I have two very good friends who I would tell anything to and another friend who I chat happily with about stuff that doesn't matter. My mum is probably the most complicated relationship because she analyses everything and tells me that if I don't tell her stuff, she'll just 'fill in the gaps' with conjecture. It just makes me clam up even more. I feel judged and hunted on an infinite loop!

Can't believe I'm telling you all this stuff, cailin!

Like I said in the OP, I don't advocate endless wittering on in a me, me, me fashion. What I'm saying is, if there's a problem, particularly if you have a problem with a specific person, then the only way to sort it out in any sensible way IMO is to talk about it, otherwise it'll fester, get worse and blow up.

Do you tell your friend that there must be more to it and that you just want to get your friendship with her back? I would imagine that she misses the friendship as much as you do so it's in both of your interests to sort it out.

:)

It's clear from forums like Mumsnet that people have vast swathes of stuff that they can't talk about in real life. Pages and pages and pages of thoughts that no one actually says to the real life person involved.

I'm a talker. I talk things through, sort things out, move on.

Other people aren't and deal with things very differently. Your way isn't the right way, it's just your way.

I rarely discuss anything until I've worked it through for myself (except with DH usually). I don't want to chuck it all our there until I'm ready, thanks. My friends and family know that, and I know the way they deal with stuff too.

The stuff with your parents and sister and more serious issues seems separate to the main thrust of your post, and I agree that some things should be talked about as they affect you all so deeply.

I think you're B a little U to be 'fucked off' that we're not all the same in how we handle things, that's just life.

You sound confident to express yourself and that's a good thing. Your dh sounds like he has learned from you. How did you do that? I have a quiet dh. Sometimes getting him to talk about his feelings is like getting blood out of a stone!

I think that some people like to keep their cards close to their chest. It's a protective thing and it gives them a feeling of personal power.

The world would be a better place if people knew how to communicate their feelings no doubt about it.

I have offered to talk about it Lying, and she said no. When the incident actually happened I did try multiple times to talk about it, making it clear that I wasn't looking for a fight, I just wanted to understand what went wrong, but she simply ignored me.

I actually thought of another one - my best friend years ago, whom I was very close to. I started seeing DH and she got very angry and possessive and things went wrong but she simply wouldn't talk about it, so the friendship went south. We're back in contact now but she still won't really talk so there is still all that between us - it's so unnecessary.

It's one thing to work things through and then sort it out First, it's quite another to simply shut down and let friendships die - I don't think shutting down is very healthy.

Skinny - I got my DH to open up by threatening separation! We had a lot of problems and it was impossible to sort them out because he simply wouldn't be honest with me, so I said, fine, stay clammed up but start looking for a place to stay because I can't take it any more. I didn't do it as a threat in order to get him to talk, I really was at the end of my tether. But he didn't want to leave so he opened up.

I'm a talker...The only one in my immediate family. I've been met with years of shit for it, but it's like water off a ducks back, sometimes I even like to play with it.

my DH is a talker too, we are super open and discuss everything and anything. Part of the reason why we love each other.

My parents and siblings have always been "brush it aside" people and it lead me to become quite ill as a teenager, so I now just say what's on my mind and move on. I respect others aren't like that but I don't tend to befriend them

(dons amateur psychologist hat) Do you think you attract so many people like this into your adult life because of your parents?

I have a tendency to go for emotionally repressed men- just like my dad .

I kind of admire folk here who can keep things to themselves or not talk about certain things...to a point. Their reserve is astounding and I'm a bit jealous!

I definitely think I must stubborn. My parents are particularly bad, and I've had a few bad ones that I think I did attract but I think the tendency not to talk is very widespread, I see it in so many people.

Cailin I've often noticed your posts (long time name changer) - you are very thoughtful, eloquent and analytical and, as you say, in RL you are a talker.

Not everyone is. That doesn't mean they can't talk or emote.

I am very private.

What Lying said about her mother - I am exactly the same. She wants to know details of my life, wants to chat, discuss, talk - I really don't. Same with friends. I'm the most private of all my friends. But I know I can talk to them if I need to and absolutely vice versa.

I don't always talk to a person when I'm annoyed with them or explain why I've gone a bit quiet temporarily (I do NOT mean sulking or freezing out - that is cruel). I just need to cool off. I don't want to talk to them about it usually. Or maybe what I would have to say to them would be hurtful and unhelpful. So again I vent and work it out with my dh.

I know you have been very very hurt by your family so I understand your POV.

Sometimes talking through something doesn't just make it all right and let you off the hook.
The other person might need time to get over something.

But even if you need to cool off thatsucks - do you tell the person "I just need to cool off." Or do you go silent, like my friends did?

If my friends had said, "look, I'm angry, I need time, but I'll be back," then I'd have said "grand, I'm here to talk whenever" and that'd be the end of it. But they just stopped talking entirely. That, in my book, is shit.

Ugh, Tizwailor, what my mother loves to do is sulk and sigh and purse her lips but if you ask her what's wrong, or try to talk about it, you're the one in the wrong, you're causing problems. It's so fucking manipulative.

Yes but if your friend said I'm too angry/hurt to talk about it now, I'll talk to you when I've cooled down, when they contacted you again, would you still want to talk it over or would you be happy enough that they've sorted it out in their own head?

Well what I've done now is say "Do you want to talk about it?" she's said "no," so in my mind that's the end of it. But I know from what happened originally that there was a lot going on behind her anger and I suspect it'll affect our friendship again but I can't do anything about it as she won't talk. I find that very frustrating but I can't force her to talk so I'm going to say nothing more about it.

However, if she tries to get angry at me again about the things she won't talk about, I won't be having any of it. She doesn't get to stay silent and then hit me with it whenever she feels like it. Either talk about it or don't but don't store it up and vent it all at a later stage.

I did say I don't 'go silent' as that's cruel. I mean back off a little bit. I do, very strongly, feel that is my right if I'm hurt or angered by someone. It's my perfectly legitimate way of dealing and I wouldn't want to be forced to talk about it.

But yes I have told a close friend by text that I'm annoyed and need breathing space - in fact I put it more diplomatically and said something like 'just acknowledging that we were both obviously getting very irritated by each other on the phone about XXX situation. I'll speak to you in a week or so, take care' type thing. That was because we speak so often it needed explanation. We were fine when we talked - she had been even angrier than me!!

Yes, but you're borrowing trouble - she says she's fine with it, she hasn't hit you with anything yet and she mightn't ever. It may be frustrating to you but that's for you to deal with not her.