To be fucked off at the fact that people won't talk about things?

[cailindana]

I'm a talker. I talk things through, sort things out, move on.

It seems that no one else in my life, bar perhaps my sister, is like that.

My parents won't talk about anything. Everything is passive-aggressive hints, sniffy one-liners. Anything that puts them in a bad light or makes them in any way uncomfortable is absolutely off limits and Must Not Ever Be Mentioned. My sister suffered a birth injury that caused her to be disabled. Did they ever once talk to her about it, tell her what had happened and what was wrong with her? Never, not once. They never ever spoke to their own daughter about her disability. When I tried to talk about being abused, it was all "you're making me feel guilty, get over it." It's never been mentioned since.

Two years ago, a long term friend and I fell out. I fucked up, I apologised, offered to talk it through, she ignored me. The friendship went very quiet. As usual, I made the first move towards reconciliation the other day, and offered to talk about what had happened. Oh no, lets not talk about it, let's just "move on." I will move on, but I am fully aware that her angry reaction was down to a heap of things she's angry about that she won't talk about. Those things are not resolved and I fully expect the friendship to go wrong again. If I don't understand what's bothering her, how can I help? How can the friendship ever improve if we don't communicate?

A different friend fucked up, I was pissed off, brought it up with him in order to get it all out in the open and sort it out. He responded briefly, then went silent. Is still silent, nearly a year later. Just won't talk to me. So, that's the end of that, years of friendship closed down.

My DH has kept silent about things for years, bottled things up. I got so fed up with it (and other things) I was on the edge of leaving. He finally opened up. Says he feels like someone has lifted the world from his shoulders. Side effect is, he cries a lot now - he can't get through even the opening credits of Call the Midwife without being in floods. But he says he feels like he's actually engaging with the world now, looking it in the eye. He talks about everything and I find his thoughts fascinating, it's like meeting a whole new wonderful person.

I see it again and again her on MN too - partners who simply won't talk to each other. It causes such misery.

I don't advocated endlessly wittering on about problems. But I do think that if something's bothering you, there is absolutely no point in storing it up and getting wound up about it - say something for god's sake!

AIBU?

Tizwailor... I think your post is incredibly judgemental. cailin's focus was very much on one of her friendships rather than the abuse she suffered. It's very difficult - and personal - to talk about abuse and it's very widespread. I was also abused as a child, wouldn't talk about it here.

Parents can be seemingly oblivious, even if they know what has been happening. It's very easy to say that they've failed to meet their childrens' needs and that they're 'emotionally abusive'; that makes me angry. You're slapping on labels you know nothing about because you don't know them. Presumably though you know cailin's parents.

Posters here have been supportive to cailin. It's a very difficult topic for many of us. Perhaps better that we all shut up for fear of plain speaking... or just post these stupid things instead.

For me, my mother's refusal to engage with me about the abuse was more damaging than the abuse itself. I feel my parents were at least neglectful if not abusive. Parents have a duty of care to their children and that doesn't just cover the physical things.

I suppose you could say that the fact that she told me not to tell my father was abusive Tiz in the sense that she not only refused to support me herself she also cut me off from support from my other parent (not that I think that support would actually have been very forthcoming, but if she hadn't told me not to tell him then I might have tried). She also didn't offer to find me support elsewhere. I can understand to an extent her not wanting to talk about it with me, but the problem was that she wanted me to shut up entirely about it and not seek help at all.

I can't stand those atmospheres you can "cut with a knife" borne out of sulky, broodiness.

But not everyone can externalise anger, frustration, being pissed-off about something. Some people have limitations in what they can say versus what they feel. They may just know they are annoyed, so they self-deny and put it to one side, they don't want to invest any more time, and maybe there is a fear of confrontation.

There is sometimes a good case for "moving on" "onwards and upwards" and not over-analysing situations. It depends what the problem is and whether it is a one-off or something that is a Big Ishu.

sorry, my comments were more of a general observations about why not everyone wants to talk about things they hold inside - I see this thread has moved on significantly, especially at the end.

From what I have read of all your posts, cailin (not just this thread) I get the impression you invest significantly in your relationships. You are a strong communicator and you are a 'together' person, which ironically may be a downside, and part of the frustration you feel.

IOW it seems you yearn for people to vocalise, discuss appropriately and at the right time, because you have the perception, if only they could too. I get where you are coming from re that 'silent' friend of yours. I too have experienced being frozen out. I think a lot of people have. Maybe it's just that some people find it easier to walk away than invest the time (like you do) in resolving, getting back on steady ground and seeing it as an opportunity to mend and get stronger as a friendship. Or else they just CBA full-stop

In no way judgemental of you or those other people, just trying to say YANBU to feel the frustration, but my caveat is that IME people are complex, multi dimensional and very unpredictable! And people don't "give" so generously as perhaps you do. I Had anxst like that for years, it got me nowhere!