To be fucked off at the fact that people won't talk about things?

[cailindana]

I'm a talker. I talk things through, sort things out, move on.

It seems that no one else in my life, bar perhaps my sister, is like that.

My parents won't talk about anything. Everything is passive-aggressive hints, sniffy one-liners. Anything that puts them in a bad light or makes them in any way uncomfortable is absolutely off limits and Must Not Ever Be Mentioned. My sister suffered a birth injury that caused her to be disabled. Did they ever once talk to her about it, tell her what had happened and what was wrong with her? Never, not once. They never ever spoke to their own daughter about her disability. When I tried to talk about being abused, it was all "you're making me feel guilty, get over it." It's never been mentioned since.

Two years ago, a long term friend and I fell out. I fucked up, I apologised, offered to talk it through, she ignored me. The friendship went very quiet. As usual, I made the first move towards reconciliation the other day, and offered to talk about what had happened. Oh no, lets not talk about it, let's just "move on." I will move on, but I am fully aware that her angry reaction was down to a heap of things she's angry about that she won't talk about. Those things are not resolved and I fully expect the friendship to go wrong again. If I don't understand what's bothering her, how can I help? How can the friendship ever improve if we don't communicate?

A different friend fucked up, I was pissed off, brought it up with him in order to get it all out in the open and sort it out. He responded briefly, then went silent. Is still silent, nearly a year later. Just won't talk to me. So, that's the end of that, years of friendship closed down.

My DH has kept silent about things for years, bottled things up. I got so fed up with it (and other things) I was on the edge of leaving. He finally opened up. Says he feels like someone has lifted the world from his shoulders. Side effect is, he cries a lot now - he can't get through even the opening credits of Call the Midwife without being in floods. But he says he feels like he's actually engaging with the world now, looking it in the eye. He talks about everything and I find his thoughts fascinating, it's like meeting a whole new wonderful person.

I see it again and again her on MN too - partners who simply won't talk to each other. It causes such misery.

I don't advocated endlessly wittering on about problems. But I do think that if something's bothering you, there is absolutely no point in storing it up and getting wound up about it - say something for god's sake!

AIBU?

I get that people do those things thatsucks. And I would agree that no one should pressure someone else to talk - I haven't done that. Withdrawing for a period of time is annoying but understandable. But this was a close friendship, one thing went wrong, she stopped talking to me. I can't understand that behaviour.

A fair few people have commented that I'm a good listener. I don't actually talk about myself a lot. I like hearing about other people.

Yes it's hard Cailin, but you really must let it go. She wasn't as close a friend as you thought or for whatever reason she has retracted that close friendship (I shan't repeat myself ad nauseum on that subject!). You have to accept (and respect?) that and accept you won't have resolution. We can't control everything, however painful that is.

Humpty... my mum is like that too. Interrupts me all the time and I'm sure that's part of the reason why I don't like talking to her. I get fed up of saying, "Mum, please listen!". I have to put everything I say through a 'mum-filter' for fear of upsetting her. For somebody who doesn't listen (and she really doesn't), she has an unerring ability to pick out perceived criticism where none was there.

It's exhausting. I prepare a script and deliver it with a smile. Inside I'm counting the minutes until I can leave.

I'm a listener rather than a talker, and I'm also an introvert who finds people who talk a lot absolutely exhausting. Mostly because they don't really listen! I prefer to process things in my own time, and share only with a very trusted few. People that insist on endlessly analysing and discussing and rehashing the same old conversations, sorry, but I would run a mile!

Where did I say I insist on rehashing old conversations Glasto? I didn't want to have any particular conversation I just didn't want her to completely ignore me!

I think Glasto is making that leap, going by all your posts and also many of us on here know the 'type'.

Asking someone to talk to you and asking them what is wrong several times can arguably be filed under the 'rehashing old conversations' category for a start.

This thread has made me realise that I actually feel angry that 'talkers' think their way is the morally superior way and run roughshod over people that just don't operate that way.

It's the not letting it go - not respecting other people's wishes and feelings, their boundaries, their privacy, their secrets, what they can cope with, how their brains and hearts process things.

Where did I say I asked what was wrong several times? I simply wanted her not to ignore me!

What's the point in being friends with someone for years and then just walking away?

The 'non-talkers' here are focussing a lot on what is best for them 'I don't like it', 'I don't find it helpful', 'I don't see the point'. But we are talking about a relationship between two people and maybe you owe it to the other person to explain where you are at?

Maybe you don't owe that person, maybe they are vile & abusive, but just maybe you do?

It is a pretty knee-jerk reaction to accuse people who want to talk of not listening. Of course there are people who don't listen but there are many more who would happily listen & discuss at their friend's pace.

You talk about not respecting other people's wishes and feelings - does that only work one way? The non-talker must be allowed go silent and walk away with no explanation and the other person just has to put up with it?

LyingWitch yep, I hear you! Very very similar experience here. It's hard.

OP, I might well be projecting, based on my experiences, but I think you are too. Talking works for some people, and not for others. They don't want to change anymore than you do.

I'm curious, for the non-talkers - is this an approach you actively teach to your children, as in, if they have a problem with someone do you tell them to go silent and think about it and possibly just walk away from the friendship without trying to sort it out?

No, I teach my kids to trust themselves, that if they for example, fall out with one of their friends then it's up to them how they deal with it. My eldest dd, she's 9 she just doesn't get involved in silly rows, bickering over who said what in class, who got the highest mark in what test, she just shrugs her shoulders, does her thing, if needs be plays on her own then if in her eyes it's blown over she'll see what she wants to do. She just can't be arsed with the ratcheting up of drama in school. She's very laid back when it comes to friendships, she had friends, she has a wide circle of friends, she can mix very well in groups, in new situations etc.

My 7 year old is pretty much the same, although she doesn't speak to a boy in her class. He physically hurt her about 18 months ago in school, she has no desire to pass the time of day with him. She'll pass him a pencil if he asks, cooperate with a bit of school work if it ever comes up, but in the playground, outside school, at parties etc she ignores him. He knows that she doesn't want to speak to him so it's not really an issue.

I'm reading this all with interest and Cail I am like you in that I talk to sort things out. I am also a listener by profession so the two don't need to be mutually exclusive. I can see both sides to this and the old adages live and let live and needing to respect people's differences are good ones.
But....imo refusing to speak to someone when there is a problem is controlling behaviour and for a talker this can be a terrible thing to endure if it's someone you are close to.

My dsis and I are two opposites. Talker , non talker. In a crisis situation she let me down and I shouted at her. 5 mins later I called to apologise but she wouldn't take my call. She refused to talk for a year. When she finally decided to meet at a family celebration she couldn't understand why I spent the day in tears. She just didn't get how hurtful her silence had been and once again told me that she had the right to not talk. It's true, she does but I don't think non talkers realise that by not talking to sort something out they hold the balance of power. And for a talker just waiting in the hope that someone will talk to you without addressing problems makes a relationship very difficult.

I've had to accept that my sister won't talk and so walk on eggshells and we maintain a civil but remote relationship. I find that sad but I'd rather she was around than not. My decision I know.

Wiggles if either of your children came to you with a similar situation as mine - "my friend of 15 years has done something to upset me, I'm annoyed, what should I do?" what would you advise?

Tbh if they were adults I'd assume that maybe they had done something more hurtful than they themselves think. I'd tell them that I'd let it be, if they had upset someone that badly that the friend of some years had just stopped talking to them then they'd probably hurt them a lot more than they were owning up to. That if they wanted to keep the friendship they could apologise, but there's no obligation to accept an apology. Although to be very honest I can't imagine being in a friendship that requires that much work.

No, wiggles, I'm asking what advice you would give to your child if they were the ones who were upset, as in, if they were in the role of my friend - the one who just stopped talking.

Well, it wouldn't be a friend of 15 years in that case. I'd honestly tell them to leave it, that it's their friends loss, but that that they'd obviously hurt them and that do remember that sometimes you say or do things you can't take back.

Oh right sorry I see what you mean now, but I don't understand what you're actually asking me. Assuming you mean what would I say if it was my child as an adult that had stopped talking to their adult friend I wouldn't give them any advice. They'd probably not come to me for it any way if they had the type of personality that preferred to deal with things themselves.

You're not listening wiggles. My friend, the one I've been talking about here, got upset about something I did. I apologised, but she simply stopped talking to me. People on this thread have defended her behaviour, saying some people prefer not to talk. I've asked, what would you do if it was your child in the role of my friend - the one who won't talk? Would you advise her that it is fine not to talk to a friend of 15 years, not to explain what was going on?

X-post sorry. I'm asking what you would do if they did ask you for advice. You seem to be saying you don't give your children any guidance at all on how to deal with social situations - is that right?

If we don't talk how on earth can we ever know what another person is thinking? And if we don't know what someone is thinking how can we sort anything that might be mistaken thinking. How can we learn about ourselves and others in relationship if there is no communication? Communicating can be difficult but it's an essential part to any relationship.

No, you're not reading - if it was my adult child Id assume due to their personality that they'd be dealing with it a way they thought best - now if they were the type of personality to deal with things internally they wouldn't in your hypothetical scenario be coming to me in the first place. If they asked me for advice whether or not to contact said person and tell them that they friendship was over, I'd say yes it would be kind but if their friend had a history of not listening to why things were not working, of not actually taking in things that were being said then I could fully understand why they couldn't be bothered with the drama.

I certainly have seen nothing good coming from not communicating - I've just seen resentment, lost friendships, anger, misunderstandings, etc. For the most part, any time I've talked to someone about something it's resolved things one way or another - either we discover we're just not going to see eye to eye and so can end the relationship knowing at least we tried, or, more often than not, we've just both aired our points of view, understood each other a lot better and ended up closer as a result.

You seem to determined to paint me as someone who doesn't listen wiggles. I'm not sure why - why would I want someone to talk if I had no intention of listening?

I am not into drama at all. All I want is a straightforward friendship where we just say what's bothering us, if something is, and then move on. Being silent just kills a friendship - I can't see the point in it.