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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucked off at the fact that people won't talk about things?

283 replies

cailindana · 23/02/2015 14:33

I'm a talker. I talk things through, sort things out, move on.

It seems that no one else in my life, bar perhaps my sister, is like that.

My parents won't talk about anything. Everything is passive-aggressive hints, sniffy one-liners. Anything that puts them in a bad light or makes them in any way uncomfortable is absolutely off limits and Must Not Ever Be Mentioned. My sister suffered a birth injury that caused her to be disabled. Did they ever once talk to her about it, tell her what had happened and what was wrong with her? Never, not once. They never ever spoke to their own daughter about her disability. When I tried to talk about being abused, it was all "you're making me feel guilty, get over it." It's never been mentioned since.

Two years ago, a long term friend and I fell out. I fucked up, I apologised, offered to talk it through, she ignored me. The friendship went very quiet. As usual, I made the first move towards reconciliation the other day, and offered to talk about what had happened. Oh no, lets not talk about it, let's just "move on." I will move on, but I am fully aware that her angry reaction was down to a heap of things she's angry about that she won't talk about. Those things are not resolved and I fully expect the friendship to go wrong again. If I don't understand what's bothering her, how can I help? How can the friendship ever improve if we don't communicate?

A different friend fucked up, I was pissed off, brought it up with him in order to get it all out in the open and sort it out. He responded briefly, then went silent. Is still silent, nearly a year later. Just won't talk to me. So, that's the end of that, years of friendship closed down.

My DH has kept silent about things for years, bottled things up. I got so fed up with it (and other things) I was on the edge of leaving. He finally opened up. Says he feels like someone has lifted the world from his shoulders. Side effect is, he cries a lot now - he can't get through even the opening credits of Call the Midwife without being in floods. But he says he feels like he's actually engaging with the world now, looking it in the eye. He talks about everything and I find his thoughts fascinating, it's like meeting a whole new wonderful person.

I see it again and again her on MN too - partners who simply won't talk to each other. It causes such misery.

I don't advocated endlessly wittering on about problems. But I do think that if something's bothering you, there is absolutely no point in storing it up and getting wound up about it - say something for god's sake!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 15:15

thatsucks - if you feel upset by someone, but never talk about it, do you feel that the upset is left unresolved? What I mean is, does that feeling of upset then linger?

OP posts:
Spybot · 23/02/2015 15:16

I experience this a lot too. My own family are talkers, if something is wrong then they let you know, there is much more communication. I find my husband's family keep up a constant PR campaign. Everything is always 'great' or 'fabulous' - if something or someone is not doing well then it is glossed over. It is bearable for a while but very frustrating to try and have real conversations with them as it is all kept on a shallow level. I feel they don't get to the heart of the matter with their own sons or the grand kids. They just want the pretty picture. So annoying.

wigglesrock · 23/02/2015 15:17

No, it's over, it's done - I don't hold grudges or cast things up. If someone has hurt me so much that I can't get past it then I stop seeing them, I don't need to talk to them about it.

Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 15:17

I agree wiggles, but I've been in situations before where people have seemed upset, they've said "no I'm fine, forget it," I think "great!" we go along fine and then a few months down the line the bile comes spewing out and suddenly you're the worst in the world for not knowing how upset they were etc. To which my response is, I'm not a mind reader, I asked what was wrong, you wouldn't talk.

OP posts:
Tizwailor · 23/02/2015 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 15:21

"If someone has hurt me so much that I can't get past it then I stop seeing them, I don't need to talk to them about it."

I don't mean to interrogate wiggles, but has this happened a lot? The reason I ask is because that's exactly what's happened here - two of my friends obviously felt hurt or annoyed and simply stopped talking to me. I find it an extremely strange way to behave, but you clearly think it's a legitimate thing to do, so I'm wondering what the thinking behind it is?

OP posts:
thatsucks · 23/02/2015 15:21

No Cailin because I do talk to my husband or sort it out in my head or simply cool off and no longer feel irked. I do sometimes talk to people! But I don't tend to ever get satisfaction from talking things through to be absolutely honest. I really don't like to be pushed into talking - not at all.

Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 15:23

Do you not think, though, sucks, that if you're obviously annoyed at someone, that the decent thing is to tell them why? As in, it's not very nice to see someone annoyed and it can be quite worrying if you don't know exactly what you've done, so isn't it more, mature, I suppose to just say "Look I'm not happy about X, but I'll sort it out in my head and then it'll be fine," or to give the person a chance to explain what went wrong, rather than just shutting them off?

OP posts:
RatMort · 23/02/2015 15:26

CailinDana, I see you about on here (am a million-times name hanger, but we've spoken in the past), and judging by your online presence, you're a confident, articulate 'lets get it out there' person. I think that you think of talk as lancing a boil, letting the infection out and the healing begin, but that for other people, putting an issue into words means something completely different.

Even if they can articulate what's going on in their heads, and sometimes they can't, for some people words concretise something inchoate, and things are said that can't be unsaid, and that frightens them. Putting it simply, they may not want to talk because they're afraid of what you might say about them, and that they won't be able to forget it, even if they don't think its true. Does that make any sense?

RatMort · 23/02/2015 15:26

Name-changer, not a name-hanger.

thatsucks · 23/02/2015 15:27

Well I am very mildly annoyed with people a lot of the time! I have a huge family and a very large circle of friends as I am old Wink so it's natural. We are bound to feel grumpy with each other here and there.

Let's turn this on it's head - I feel (again really very strongly) that it is not my God given right or anyone else's to tell people where you think they are going wrong or what they have done that's irritated you. Some things don't need to be said.

I think I've made it very very clear that I do not shut people off or give them the silent treatment so I don't know why you keep saying that I do - you are projecting. I mean not texting as much or making arrangements for a short while - not ignoring their existence or for e.g. not returning a message that needs a reply.

Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 15:28

It does Rat. But IME not talking about things is toxic - it causes relatively small issues to grow and grow into big ones. Not talking has destroyed my relationship with my parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 15:29

But in my book not texting as much or not making arrangements is shutting someone off, it's a sort of punishment for your annoyance. That's how I see it anyway. If someone is noticeably texting less or not arranging to meet up then I assume something is wrong and then I wonder what it is. If the person won't talk to me then the situation is a total bust - I feel punished but I don't have a clue why. It's really negative.

OP posts:
funkybuddah · 23/02/2015 15:32

I agree that talking is the best way and am a big advocate for dealing with things before they blow out of proportion, however I also have some friends who over think and over talk everything which makes me shut down to then.

thatsucks · 23/02/2015 15:32

Sigh.

Not texting someone for a few days is absolutely nothing like shutting them off or punishing them! I said I would return texts or phone calls if they they rang!

You really are projecting. And you are not listening.

As I said with one friend who I speak to every day, it would most certainly have looked like a diss or a freeze out if I'd have just not contacted her for a week so I told her why very openly. Then we had a break, then we did actually talk, then it was all fine.

Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 15:41

Fair enough. It's interesting that others have Sai expecting people to talk is controlling. I find not talking quite controlling and manipulative - a sense of 'I'm annoyed but I won't actually engage with you just let you guess what's wrong until I decide to be ok again.'

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 23/02/2015 15:43

No its happened twice in my life and I'm 40 and it happened when I was in my 20s. Mainly because if someone irritates me or we are irritating each other, then I deal with it myself and we find our way back. If someone has hurt me or the relationship has just went kaput (like I say twice in my life) then it's done - why would I want to waste my.time talking to them.

thatsucks · 23/02/2015 15:45

Argggh ok I'm leaving this thread as can't keep repeating that I don't do the 'not engaging/not telling you why' thing.

You are either extremely stubborn and/or you are unable to accept that people quite legitimately deal with things in different ways.

But before I go...in manner of Ross's WE WERE ON A BREAK...I DON'T FREEZE PEOPLE OUT OR GIVE THEM THE SILENT TREATMENT!

Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 15:45

Do you feel in those instances they hurt you deliberately?

OP posts:
Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 15:47

I said fair enough, sucks, as in I take your point. The second comment wasn't aimed at you.

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 23/02/2015 15:48

Yes, both times, hence me not bothering with them again.

Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 15:51

In that case I can see your motivation for stopping contact. My my female friend the incident was minor and unintentional but her reaction suggested more anger than I'd expect. About what I don't know.

OP posts:
FunkyPeacock · 23/02/2015 15:53

Sometimes talking helps, sometimes it doesn't

I'm not really a 'talker' and would only bother engaging in trying to talk through a misunderstanding if I genuinely felt it would help and could be resolved satisfactorily for both parties

I'm certainly not a sulker or a grudge holder though so it's unfair to make the assumption that those of us who don't feel the need to talk everything through are doing this for controlling or manipulative reasons

Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 15:59

Are you equally ok with other people being obviously annoyed with you but not telling you what's wrong peacock?

OP posts:
FunkyPeacock · 23/02/2015 16:05

I can't honestly think of any occasion when a good friend or family member has been obviously pissed off with me but I have had no idea why

If the symptoms of someone 'being annoyed with me' was simply a lack of contact etc then I would just assume they were busy or not feeling very sociable, I don't think I would take it personally