To be fucked off at the fact that people won't talk about things?

[cailindana]

I'm a talker. I talk things through, sort things out, move on.

It seems that no one else in my life, bar perhaps my sister, is like that.

My parents won't talk about anything. Everything is passive-aggressive hints, sniffy one-liners. Anything that puts them in a bad light or makes them in any way uncomfortable is absolutely off limits and Must Not Ever Be Mentioned. My sister suffered a birth injury that caused her to be disabled. Did they ever once talk to her about it, tell her what had happened and what was wrong with her? Never, not once. They never ever spoke to their own daughter about her disability. When I tried to talk about being abused, it was all "you're making me feel guilty, get over it." It's never been mentioned since.

Two years ago, a long term friend and I fell out. I fucked up, I apologised, offered to talk it through, she ignored me. The friendship went very quiet. As usual, I made the first move towards reconciliation the other day, and offered to talk about what had happened. Oh no, lets not talk about it, let's just "move on." I will move on, but I am fully aware that her angry reaction was down to a heap of things she's angry about that she won't talk about. Those things are not resolved and I fully expect the friendship to go wrong again. If I don't understand what's bothering her, how can I help? How can the friendship ever improve if we don't communicate?

A different friend fucked up, I was pissed off, brought it up with him in order to get it all out in the open and sort it out. He responded briefly, then went silent. Is still silent, nearly a year later. Just won't talk to me. So, that's the end of that, years of friendship closed down.

My DH has kept silent about things for years, bottled things up. I got so fed up with it (and other things) I was on the edge of leaving. He finally opened up. Says he feels like someone has lifted the world from his shoulders. Side effect is, he cries a lot now - he can't get through even the opening credits of Call the Midwife without being in floods. But he says he feels like he's actually engaging with the world now, looking it in the eye. He talks about everything and I find his thoughts fascinating, it's like meeting a whole new wonderful person.

I see it again and again her on MN too - partners who simply won't talk to each other. It causes such misery.

I don't advocated endlessly wittering on about problems. But I do think that if something's bothering you, there is absolutely no point in storing it up and getting wound up about it - say something for god's sake!

AIBU?

I feel I'm quite an open, straightforward person but talking about potentially painful, hurtful matters isn't always the best strategy to "move on". Dragging old memories and hurt feelings up can often destroy a relationship hanging in the balance. Not everyone is like you and you cannot project your decision making process on to other people and expect them to behave identically to you. I think YABU a bit.

The fact that so many people think it's fine to carry on a close friendship for years,never bring up any problems, then just walk away explains a lot. I at least see it's a fairly common thing.

Ok you are still not listening or hearing Cailin.

You can only see your own POV and the way you do things as the only legitimate. That's fine but you will lose more friends.

That last post was downright petulant and passive aggressive.

i would definitely need to keep away until you stopped pressurising me, which tbh it sounds like you are doing.

cailindana I can see where you're coming from, it happened to me once.

What i'm reading is a lack of respect coming from that other person, for experiences shared, confidences exchanged etc.. I actually think to drop someone with no explanation lacks a backbone, if you're going to drop a friend, at least have the balls to explain why.

If this was a boyfriend of a year who suddenly disappeared, those giving you a hard time on here would be calling him a gutless knob.. I see no difference.

I think what people are trying to saying is it happens, it's not nice but it is a reality of life. The best thing you can do is either accept it and move on or decide to never speak to your friend again and move on. Your friend has made it clear that she does not want to talk about it you will be riding roughshod all over her boundaries if you purse the matter.

Aaah, I haven't RTFT but I'm also a talker and completely understand what you mean.

My so called best friend went silent (for the second time) and eventually the friendship deteriorated. Personally, I find her lack of balls/ honesty rather sad and rude, too. People aren't telepathic! I obviously pissed her off in some way (nothing happened, she just disappeared, though I have my theories), but she chose to be silent instead of being a grown woman. Two decades of close friendship thrown away. Her silence - the passive aggressive person's trump card - said lots about her.

YY Jelly

I'm not giving Cailin a 'hard time' in the AIBU sense. It's not that kind of thread or argument being had here.

But I'm frustrated that Cailin just won't hear what many of us are saying. Because I think that's the problem for her in these friendships. I might be wrong of course...

Is this ok? This has just happened to me. DP stayed with me and DS for two weeks. We had a really nice time (was working and at school etc, as normal). Didn't speak about when he was going home. Weekend night he got in bed, was cold, got really angry and swore at me about the duvet. Next morning he said a few horrible things to me.
I took my DS swimming then dropped DP home. I went a bit nuts at him about the horrible things he said. I was very hurt. I apologized immediately by text and in person for shouting at him (no name-calling). He hasn't spoken to me for two weeks. :-(
Is this type of going silent ok?

Your DP is behaving appallingly, Charley, but it's not quite the same as the situation cailin is talking about.

I had a friend who liked talking things through, but what she meant by that was explaining at great length why I was wrong and she was right. I did cut her off in the end and I am pretty sure she is baffled and hurt too, but God I feel better for it.

I have never found long agonising conversations very useful; and there is such a high risk of one party saying something unforgettably hurtful. For me the best approach if someone seriously hurts me is to say something briefly, let them acknowledge or not, and move on. Often even if they don't apologise at the time they will change their behaviour in the future. And this is what I prefer if I piss people off, too.

I come from a similar family to yours and I'm with you in the talking thing.

I grew up in a family where I was often punished (usually shouting or being ignored/snapped at), but they would never tell me what I had done wrong. I desperately tried to be good, but there were always these unsaid rules and moving goalposts so I never suceeded and the trying pretty much drove me mad.

And I'll admit, during this time I cut people off without explanation as that was the only way I knew how to behave.

Now I don't really get on with people who are not talkers. It takes me back to the mindgames I grew up with and I can't deal with it. Well I suppose I do deal with it in my own way, I take people's words at face value, even if I know they're being passive agressive. If someone blanks me or ignores me I assume it's their problem and carry on with my own life. It's not always easy or natural, and if it was a close friend then I couldn't be friends with them again, polite aquaintances would be the best I could manage.

I'm a big believer that unless you change something nothing will change. So if you don't talk about something bothering you, the thing that is bothering you won't go away. I've pissed people off in my time but if I don't know what I've done I can't stop doing it or apologise for it! If you don't tell people what they've done to annoy you then they'll probably keep doing it! Most people aren't hurtful or annoying deliberately and need it pointing out to them. If they knew it was hurtful or annoying then they'd have apologised already or stopped doing it already. There's a manager at my work who just ignores conflict hoping it will go away. It doesn't. It just festers until someone involved leaves the team. We lose so many good workers that way because the person or people they conflict with don't get pulled up on it. YANBU.

I am a psychiatrist but as for talking about my own feelings, nooooooo! .
I really wish I could though.

It's not a question of dwelling and analysing till the cows come home, round and round in circles. It's also not a question of barring one's soul and playing the sentimental chord.
It's easy. it's about being honest and assuming one's responsability. None of that 'I'll ignore it and I hope it goes away', 'better swept under the carpet, this one'. Employing passive aggresive tactics rather than being open is pure cowardice and lack of maturity. And frankly, pathetic. Only dishing the cards you feel would put you at an advantage is not protecting one self, it's being calculated and cruel. Nice...
(Not addressing this at anyone in particular on this thread, ok?)

i can hear feet stamping

i dont often talk about how i feel to most people. there are a few very trusted friends. i cant imagine us falling out. less close friends, perhaps. but as they are already in the category of not opening up in that way, its hardly going to open if we fell out. it just sounds childish and bullying to stamp feet over it.

Charley - your dp not speaking to you for two weeks is abusive. Go on to the Women's Aid website or google emotional abuse. Would you feel able to start your own thread in Relationships as you will get a huge amount of support? If you don't live with him and he's not your son's father I would get him out of your life now before you are tied to him.

I am listening. What I'm hearing is that some people don't like talking about things that bother them, they'd rather withdraw and get over it on their own. Some people withdraw entirely from friendships without saying anything. Some people feel pressured if friends want them to talk about things and would rather withdraw than talk.
Am I missing anything?

I feel for cailin actually. I know her friends have the right not to tell her what's wrong if they don't want to but, by dint of being friends - and longstanding ones at that - they should have the courtesy of telling her what's gone wrong as it materially affects the friendship in a very one-sided manner. That isn't fair and it's not friendship in my book.

I'm a closed and guarded person in RL. I literally have two people that I will talk to and they are not my family. I would expect, if I had done something so fundamentally wrong that they would disown me, that they would tell me in advance and give me a chance to explain or at least apologise, even if the friendship is over. I know that the people I'm close friends with are also guarded. Goodness knows how we found each other but, I'd expect them to put their guardedness aside for me - as I would for them.

In cailin's OP she talks about her family dynamics where nothing is ever mentioned if it's unpalatable. It's like that in my family too - nobody talks straight, even the talkers - and even the never-ending chatterbox that is my mother. The only person who really talks straight, in not many words but each one counting, is me.

So I say again, NBU, not at all.

=====

Charley... you must be living on a knife's edge all the time. That must be completely unbearable. However well you think you might hide it, your child will pick up on this, they just do. Your partner isn't any kind of support to you even if he's 'kind' at other times. That's just lurching from one behaviour type to another and it's very unfair to you. I expect you'd happily give up the lovey-dovey stuff for the sending-to-Coventry to disappear too, to just have normalcy and general decency? I'm so sorry. I too think that you'd get some very specific advice in Relationships, they know their stuff there, really.

x-posted with you OP. I'm a chatty creature on MN, contrarily.

Thanks Lying and that sucks.
I've been meaning to start a thread on relationships for a while.

No you're not missing anything on that list, Cailin.

I think you are probably missing actually respecting half the stuff on that list - or seeing them as equally legitimate methods of coping with conflict or anger.

But as I said earlier I'm sorry you're sad about your lost friendships. If it hurts, it hurts.

Great - do it Charley x

Only skimmed some of the thread, as I must go to sleep, but wanted to add my voice to the 'talking needs to include listening' crowd.
My mother is a great talker. She talks the same issues through, over and over again. It doesn't help her move on, it's just the same complaints, repeated. Doesn't matter how well you listen, reflect, ask questions, sympathise, let her talk, accept, challenge. Nothing helps, she just goes over and over. It's like watching someone with OCD, it's painful. And it doesn't heal, it hurts (me, and others who are the 'wrong doers' in her tales).

IME, of her and others, the 'talkers' often don't listen, and don't get closure from talking, so essentially they are just inflicting their desire to talk, on those who don't want to, and who don't want to hear it, for no perceptible benefit.