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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucked off at the fact that people won't talk about things?

283 replies

cailindana · 23/02/2015 14:33

I'm a talker. I talk things through, sort things out, move on.

It seems that no one else in my life, bar perhaps my sister, is like that.

My parents won't talk about anything. Everything is passive-aggressive hints, sniffy one-liners. Anything that puts them in a bad light or makes them in any way uncomfortable is absolutely off limits and Must Not Ever Be Mentioned. My sister suffered a birth injury that caused her to be disabled. Did they ever once talk to her about it, tell her what had happened and what was wrong with her? Never, not once. They never ever spoke to their own daughter about her disability. When I tried to talk about being abused, it was all "you're making me feel guilty, get over it." It's never been mentioned since.

Two years ago, a long term friend and I fell out. I fucked up, I apologised, offered to talk it through, she ignored me. The friendship went very quiet. As usual, I made the first move towards reconciliation the other day, and offered to talk about what had happened. Oh no, lets not talk about it, let's just "move on." I will move on, but I am fully aware that her angry reaction was down to a heap of things she's angry about that she won't talk about. Those things are not resolved and I fully expect the friendship to go wrong again. If I don't understand what's bothering her, how can I help? How can the friendship ever improve if we don't communicate?

A different friend fucked up, I was pissed off, brought it up with him in order to get it all out in the open and sort it out. He responded briefly, then went silent. Is still silent, nearly a year later. Just won't talk to me. So, that's the end of that, years of friendship closed down.

My DH has kept silent about things for years, bottled things up. I got so fed up with it (and other things) I was on the edge of leaving. He finally opened up. Says he feels like someone has lifted the world from his shoulders. Side effect is, he cries a lot now - he can't get through even the opening credits of Call the Midwife without being in floods. But he says he feels like he's actually engaging with the world now, looking it in the eye. He talks about everything and I find his thoughts fascinating, it's like meeting a whole new wonderful person.

I see it again and again her on MN too - partners who simply won't talk to each other. It causes such misery.

I don't advocated endlessly wittering on about problems. But I do think that if something's bothering you, there is absolutely no point in storing it up and getting wound up about it - say something for god's sake!

AIBU?

OP posts:
thatsucks · 23/02/2015 16:07

The flouncer returns! (me that is Wink)

a) Sorry didn't realise you weren't talking to me with that last comment

b) I have actually completely cut someone off without any explanation and completely ignored their calls for about two years I've just remembered. She tried it on with my partner when I was upstairs in the bath - he is now my dh and that was 25 years ago! And no I am not making that up, I promise! I had no desire to talk to her or listen to her. I genuinely wasn't interested in an apology either and I didn't even hate her. Just thought 'Christ no, fuck off'.

c) You seem to never know why people are annoyed with you - you have made this point over and over again. Why don't you know? I am always pretty damn sure I know if someone's a bit off with me or giving me daggers - I've said or done something they've found irritating and even if I stand by whatever it is, whether it's nicking their last Rolo or forgetting their birthday or disagreeing with their political point, I can see that I've annoyed them. Why is it always a mystery to you?

Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 16:08

Ah in these cases the friends just stopped talking to me entirely.

OP posts:
Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 16:13

As I said sucks I know the specific incident that caused my female friend to cut me off, but not shy she was so annoyed. With my male friend, he did something wrong, I tried to talk about it but he cut me off. So not a mystery, though I'm unclear on what exactly caused such strong reactions.

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 23/02/2015 16:27

Trouble is cailindana if someone says "I don't want to talk about x now" invariably the person they say it to cannot accept that and just keeps badgering on and on. I am a very private person, sometimes I want to address an issue, sometimes I don't, if I don't I just want to mull it over and then forget about it and having a post mortem on it weeks later is not something I want to do, I've dealt with it and left it behind, stirring it up again is counter productive.

I wholeheartedly agree with you that there are problems with communication evidenced in abundance on here, I frequently read things and think "why the hell don't you just ask/say something?" especially over trivial things.

firesidechat · 23/02/2015 16:32

YANBU.

I consider myself blessed that I come from a family of talkers and married in to a family of talkers. Saves an awful lot of angst.

I'm amazed by the number of posts on here where close family members, including partners and spouses don't seem to be able to talk about really important things.

emotionsecho · 23/02/2015 16:36

Sometimes I get annoyed or irritated over something someone has done or not done and when I think about it I come to the conclusion that it wasn't that important, not deliberate and not worth making a fuss about and I need to cop on to myself, I can see no point in whinging about it or dicussing and analysing it with the person in question.

firesidechat · 23/02/2015 16:41

Like others on here I don't need to talk everything through. I can accept that someone is a certain way and as long as it's not a big deal then I see no reason to try to change them. I only talk if I think it's in any way helpful.

I have however walked away from two friends in my 5 decades. One was too demanding and needy. The other did one bitchy, undermining thing too many and I realised that they would never be a true friend. I didn't feel the need to tell either of them. We moved house instead. Grin

Sazzle41 · 23/02/2015 16:46

I think some friends want a less deep thing OP tbh. I am a talker and the friends i have arent. They want it kept light and to me, a bit superficial , but i accept it because they are lovely people whose company i enjoy. I would like more of a confidante but no-one is perfect and what they want is no less enjoyable.

I tend to write stuff down now to get it out when i need to talk, as my family used to never talk about stuff and i still have a lot of issues as a result. Suppressing stuff that bothers me doesnt work for me, it comes out in binge eating and depression. I do think people are scared by strong emotions: and addressing them by talking about them is scary, as sometimes they are fearful of the result changing the status quo . Change is scary for a lot of us. It can also show up their own issues or their enabling etc in their relationship with you etc so its scary stuff if you are the say nothing and carry on type and have found that works for you as a life strategy.

KiaOraOAotearoa · 23/02/2015 16:46

OP, are you 'forrin'? Because I see it as a cultural difference. Passive-aggression is a very infantile and quite frankly despicable way to treat someone. I understand it comes from lack of self confidence, that 'we don't make a fuss'...at the end of the day is just a petulant way of not dealing with the problem, not talking through it.
Give me someone active aggressive any time. I know where I stand, the other assumes the consequences/responsability for their actions/words etc. We do the grown up thing, you know, talk/apologise/acknowledge/show some sort of emotion, then we move on. No need to dwell on it. But one needs the moral fibre for this :)

KiaOraOAotearoa · 23/02/2015 16:48

Oh, and some emotional intelligence :)

emotionsecho · 23/02/2015 16:49

You say you know the specific incident that caused your friend to cut you off, but not why she was so annoyed, can you not just accept that she was and maybe after reflecting on it she realised she over reacted/misread it or whatever and she does just want to forget it and move on. To pick it over with you may make her feel foolish, if she has said "let's forget it and move on" can't you take her at her word and not continually be waiting for her to trip up?

fizzycolagurlie · 23/02/2015 16:58

Callindana is it possible that your open approach is the thing that pisses off your friend who won't talk to you about what pissed her off?

It could be she admires you greatly for it, but just can't always handle it. Sometimes you need to let things go and accept that people manage stuff differently.

Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 16:58

But if she said 'I was just annoyed about that, I overreacted sorry,' then fine, no problem. It's the total lack of engagement that gets me, the absolute refusal to talk.

OP posts:
Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 16:58

But if she said 'I was just annoyed about that, I overreacted sorry,' then fine, no problem. It's the total lack of engagement that gets me, the absolute refusal to talk.

OP posts:
Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 17:00

But she's entirely controlled the situation fizzy, first by not talking and now by refusing to talk. Do I have to just accept that - no explanation, no conclusion?

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 23/02/2015 17:00

Cailindana: maybe it isn't about you.

Your family situation is a mess, and between that and your personality, you seem very intolerant and inconsiderate of others who cope differently than you. Quite a few of us get along just fine by taking a deep breath, and moving on, without discussion or coming to any sort of identifiable consensus/apology/closure or solution. An incident or situation is just noted as unfortunate, but over. Despite how you feel about it, this is not automatically a bad thing.

Regarding your friend: It could well be that the 'more' behind the situation was her own stress about things that don't have anything to do with you, and while it would suit you to have her simply say so, nobody owes you the particular form of interaction you prefer. If she wants to move on, you need to stop letting it fester and stop looking for the problem to rear up again. Any further difficulties are not necessarily related, except in your mind. Because the other person really has moved on, but you haven't.

Will things potentially be mentioned in the future, if other problems crop up? Possibly. But no amount of discussion will actually prevent that.

MrsTedCrilly · 23/02/2015 17:01

YANBU! If someone has a specific problem with me, I want to deal with it, move on and usually end up closer as a result.. Works with everyone, partner, mum, friends.. It's a bit nervewracking at first but feels so much better afterwards.

Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 17:05

Mom - in this situation if, 2 years ago, she'd said 'it's fine, there's nl problem,' then there would genuinely be no issue. But she stopped talking to me for 2 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 17:07

What I really don't get is how a person can be friends with someone for heads, hang out, be close and share things, then something goes wrong and they just shut down and walk away.

OP posts:
Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 17:08

for years

OP posts:
thatsucks · 23/02/2015 17:08

Cailin, you just cannot see that your obsession with discussing, explaining and talking is just as distressing and uncomfortable and unwelcome to some people as them not wishing to talk is to you!

I would feel under immense pressure if I knew a friend felt like you did, either implicitly or explicitly communicated.

You are not right and others wrong. Morally or socially. People are different. As long as we are not malicious towards each other, you would do well to try and accept that.

And YY to Momagain1 - I have recently gone through a serious health scare and didn't want to speak or see most of my friends. If they had asked me what was wrong or demanded we talk I would have been terribly upset and stressed.

Momagain1 · 23/02/2015 17:09

But she's entirely controlled the situation fizzy, first by not talking and now by refusing to talk. Do I have to just accept that - no explanation, no conclusion?

Yes.

Do you not realize that everyone has to accept that sometimes?

The alternate us that she must follow your preferred pattern, because you want to control the situation.

If you really cannot accept that, then end the friendship. You were willing to end your marriage over your husbands communication preferences. That's a lot of control right there.

AlwaysOneMissing · 23/02/2015 17:09

OP I think this is more of an issue to you because of your experiences with your parents. Your relationship with them is so formative, so important, that this communication issue has obviously caused a lot of angst and issues for you, which maybe makes you hyper-sensitive to it.
I have major communication issues with my parents too (no emotional conversations, everything superficial, no interest in my feelings etc) and I am now definitely not a talker. But I wish I was!

I think it's a strong learned behaviour in us and we either strongly rebel against the way were shown by our parents (as you have?) or never shake off that approach (as I have).

I actually think you are right though, the world would be a much better and less complicated place if we all communicated a bit more freely! But the way other people act can come from quite complex reasons so I don't think you can expect your friends/family to change just because you wish they would Grin

Original poster
cailindana · 23/02/2015 17:10

I think just walking away from a years-long friendship is pretty malicious.

OP posts:
thatsucks · 23/02/2015 17:11

Cailin - they decided they didn't want to be friends with you anymore. They didn't value or like you enough. It happens.

Maybe it's fair, maybe it's not. But those people didn't want to continue the friendship - should they have done just for you? Or talked it through when they couldn't cope with doing that?

Accept it and move on. Or if you want to analyse and explore - look to yourself, not them. Is there something you could or should have differently in those friendships?