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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

999 replies

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 22:11

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

OP posts:
ImBatDog · 20/02/2015 23:01

you should still get child tax credits, they aren't means tested (As in savings...etc) the only reason you dont get those is if you earn more than 30k per annum, in which case, why are you worried?

MsColouring · 20/02/2015 23:01

Has he actually said he is going to pay only the CSA calculation or has there been any discussion over this. This calculation can be a starting point for discussion. How are you sorting your arrangements? Mediation? Solicitors? You could come to an arrangement where he pays more, initially at least to cover for you having two very young children. Depends whether or not he is a reasonable person.

I can see why work would be difficult now but you may want to work as the children become older. You don't really want to be financially dependent on your ex for the next 18 years do you?

EdSheeran · 20/02/2015 23:01

So, you'd be entitled to means tested benefits then? You need to apply! Especially if you're too unwell to work with pregnancy related illness.

PtolemysNeedle · 20/02/2015 23:02

Have you actually looked into whether you'd get benefits? Child tax credits are actually quite generous, you might be surprised at what you're entitled to.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 23:03

Bloody, you've taken that post out of context which I think is really unfair.

DS will be a teen in five years time: because of the age gaps between him and the younger two, I'll still be struggling with childcare costs (though obviously less than they would be at present) and earning far, far less than DH .

What I said I was worried about was NOT him 'not supporting me' but rather that the attraction of money and material possessions would mean that STBX would become the preferred parent. That isn't a jealousy thing - it's a very real concern. I have explained that the DCs don't stay overnight because it isn't safe for them to do so but while I can make this demand of younger children I can't of an adolescent and money is attractive to teens.

I don't mind nicely being told I'm BU but some of these posts are really, REALLY unfair.

OP posts:
TerryTheGreenHorse · 20/02/2015 23:03

Have you spoken to anyone about benefits OP, maybe give CAB. a call?

Charley50 · 20/02/2015 23:03

Well I don't think YABU and understand the anxiety. Can you ask him to contribute a little extra? I suppose it depends on his outgoings too though. Aren't tax credits just for people in work anyway?

MilfordCubicle · 20/02/2015 23:03

I get about £4.50 a week in spite of him working full time Sad

Count yourself very lucky.

TerryTheGreenHorse · 20/02/2015 23:04

I agree I think some of the posts are really unfair.

But are you sure you won't be eligible for assistance towards childcare costs?

FireflySerenity · 20/02/2015 23:04

Unless the husband has a fully paid for home and property elsewhere, then the OP seems to be in a far better position. Once the divorce is finalised, the properties can be sold and will more than cover childcare so the OP can work. The longer out of the workplace the harder it will be to return. Child support could stop at any moment of the ex loses his job or falls ill.

fedupbutfine · 20/02/2015 23:04

Your ex is entitled to a life, to have his own home and a home big enough for his children to stay in. I am afraid that I am personally unable to read between the lines regarding access but am assuming there are safety reasons why he can't have the children. If you are struggling with being apart from your children or don't want an OW to be near the children then I'm afraid, that's another 'unreasonable' to notch up and one that you should seek support with.

You have two children and one on the way? That was my situation when my ex left. It is very hard but if you have no mortgage and plenty of savings, you have a good cushion. Look at Tax Credits again because you should be entitled as they are not means tested in the same way as other benefits.

TheDetective · 20/02/2015 23:04

Stardust I'm also recently single, with a 12 year old, 2 year old and am pregnant with number 3 due at the end of June.

Pm me for a rant if you like :) I don't know anyone else in the same boat as me.

TheMightyMing · 20/02/2015 23:04

Money aside- and I don't have an opinion really, having sole care of three little ones ( and going through a birth with little family support), I don't envy you at all OP, and I really feel for you.

The fact that others have a similar or harder time doesn't help when you are having a shit time yourself. So best of luck x

Original poster
Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 23:04

Ptomeleys yes: unfortunately not as I suspected.

It's okay and I daresay I am making a fuss over nothing. As I conceded several posts who I probably have got used over the years to a certain amount of money coming in and seeing that more than quartered before your eyes does give you quite a jolt, especially with several other massive changes. Pregnancy makes me anxious at the best of times Smile

OP posts:
Fiddlerontheroof · 20/02/2015 23:06

It's really difficult....and it's very unfair to judge you on the amount you are receiving as everyone's situation is different.

Have you discussed spousal maintenance with a solicitor? I was entitled to this, but in the end decided not to pursue...as I wanted a clean break financially. X

TerryTheGreenHorse · 20/02/2015 23:06

Your not making a fuss over nothing. This must be a pretty stressful time for you.

EdSheeran · 20/02/2015 23:06

I think you're panicking unnecessarily, check out www.entitledto.co.uk as it sounds like you're eligible for benefits which will hugely boost your income.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 23:07

Ah cheers Detective :) it's tough isn't it and all day and half the night morning sickness REALLY isn't helping my mood, or a teething baby! I'm getting hardly any sleep, I'm spotty, tired, ill and isolated - so not in a 'good position' although yes better than some of course :)

OP posts:
ssd · 20/02/2015 23:07

but surely if you are not entitled to benefits then you have thousands in savings, not just in your mortgage free home?

Original poster
Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 23:08

Ed I've spent this week going through what I'm entitled to which is nothing other than CB.

Selling the property would be a bit of a fools mission as then I'd just have to rent another, at the moment I have the security of no living costs. Of course as well I am reluctant to drop one more bombshell on DS - DD too little to notice.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 20/02/2015 23:09

Earning so little you will get childcare help from tax credits. I had a 3yo and then twins. Childcare was 1600 per month for just the twins and I was only earning 900 but with dh's salary we earned too much to qualify. You would however not have to include maintenance so your 800 is ignored.
are the property investments bringing in rent? What kind of investment? Could you sell and reinvest in a way you could make money?

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 20/02/2015 23:09

The £800 is just for the children though, he is under no obligation at all to support you (unless you are married and a judge decides he has to pay spousal support)

You said that £800 is not a lot for 'us' to live on but it seems a reasonable amount to support the children. I understand why you are not working at the moment but you also have to support the children financially even if that is though your savings/inheritance

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/02/2015 23:11

I've just done a quick google and you should get 25% of his take home pay. How was the £800 figure calculated? If he's earning nearly £4k then you are entitled to nesrly £1000 a month.

Try not to worry about what your eldest will do as a teenager just yet. You have enough to deal with right now.

minionmadess · 20/02/2015 23:11

I don't understand OP... If you don't have another property then where are your savings?

fedupbutfine · 20/02/2015 23:12

What OP is saying is that she is currently unable to work and is being left with proportionally a lot less than STBXH and is concerned that this will give him an advantage in the future if he decides to begin lavishing funds on the DC

it is a very real fear of most separated parents. All you can do is hope that you bring them up 'right' and that they are able to understand the difference between a parent who cared for them and did their best and a parent who pushed ipads at them but was rarely there. I can see at least one of my children will end up with my ex in his teen years because he is much the same as him in personality and is very affected by his behaviour. I may lose him forever or he will, hopefully, come round when his hormones settle. There are no certainties with parenting - perfectly good 'together' parents lose their children to money, drugs, alcohol, a poor choice of life partner.....you just have to do your best.