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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

999 replies

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 22:11

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

OP posts:
ImBatDog · 20/02/2015 22:37

wow. grabby/greedy much?

stqueen · 20/02/2015 22:37

I agree with the posters who have questioned if you match it i.e. £1600 to care for your DC's. . .why shouldn't it be equal? Why would you expect your STBX to contribute/pay more than you?

fedupbutfine · 20/02/2015 22:37

hmmmm...and there are countless others out there who's ex's get to continue their way of life and the other half has to 'suck it up, care for the dc mostly alone with no nights off and live on little in comparison', without the added benefit of £800 a month, tax free, not taken into account for benefit purposes. Whilst I wouldn't normally be bothered because I get that it's a personal thing and very much down to the luck of the draw, boasting of a mortgage free life with at least £800 a month on top whilst complaining it's not enough is going to make many of us say yes, you are being very unreasonable.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 22:37

Seriously where is £1600 coming from? STBX has to pay £800. Not £1600!

But, if I had a mortgage, yes, I would struggle to pay that, feed my children, clothe my children and pay for their activities.

Sorry. I'm sure this makes me rubbish with money but anyway it isn't £1600!

OP posts:
SoMuchForSubtlety · 20/02/2015 22:38

Just because some people get by on 3p a month doesn't automatically make the OP unreasonable.

For a start, living costs are not equal in all parts of the country. It's also entirely valid to get used to a certain budget (large or small) and find it difficult to adjust to something different. It doesn't make you grabby just to expect what you've always had. It's also not news that some people earn more than others so I never understand the rank jealousy that billows here whenever someone mentions they earn more than a pittance.

TwoOddSocks · 20/02/2015 22:38

Depending on where you live it doesn't sound like much. Taking into account rent/mortgage costs for a 4 bed house, childcare if you were to work full time, food and clothes and bills etc.

I mean obviously it's enough to live off and kids can share rooms etc. but if he's very well off you would think he'd provide enough for a more comfortable lifestyle for his kids. Will he be paying out of pocket for expenses like clothes, extra curriculars etc?

Original poster
Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 22:38

Why shouldn't it be equal?

Because the children are with me all of the time, and I can't work as a result!

I'm not trying to be obtuse but I thought it was obvious?

OP posts:
lightgreenglass · 20/02/2015 22:38

I think the OP is getting a hard time here. I get the £1600 figure but where has the other £800 come from is she supposed to magically make £800 appear? I think £800 out of £3000 isn't a lot especially considering childcare if the OP is working. Some people don't get anything but that doesn't mean any woman who gets anything at all should just be grateful.

bloodyteenagers · 20/02/2015 22:39

The 1600 hundred comes from your contribution as well.

It won't be a struggle because you will learn to budget and live within your means. Just like millions of people do globally on less than this.

bloodyteenagers · 20/02/2015 22:40

Of course you can work. Don't be daft.

Philoslothy · 20/02/2015 22:41

But if they made an agreement that the OP should stay at home with the children, surely is the ex is able to support that he should, to give the children stability during a difficult time

FireflySerenity · 20/02/2015 22:41

You are presuming you can keep the house, do you have the equity t buy him out? All assets are classed as joint in marriage. As you seem intent on taking as much from his as possible its likely he will counter it.

If you qualify for nothing other than CB you must have a decent amount in the bank so childcare is possible. Or you could share custody and therefore have child free days to work on.

Circumstances change, you can't rely on your ex to continue to fund you.

fedupbutfine · 20/02/2015 22:42

oh ffs...yes, you are entitled to benefits. With children under 5 you will get Income Support and Child Tax Credits. You will also be entitled to childcare support up to 70% of the total cost (depends what you earn).

And plenty of single parents work with young children. I do it with 3 and have done since the youngest was 3 in a full time, professional role. Don't be a victim. You can make it work if you want to.

antimatter · 20/02/2015 22:42

I get 600 for 2 kids and I work full time. Kids never stay overnight with ex.

If your ex earns over 3K after tax he is earning over 50K and 25% of his salary after pension contributions are paid to his kids. Such are the rules.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 22:43

But I can't make a contribution.

Okay. I'll start from the beginning :)

I have an eight year old. He is fine and at school.

I also have a ten month old DD.

I am pregnant. I am due in July. When I give birth I will have two under-twos and cannot afford to put them both in childcare even if I managed to find a full time job.

I'm honestly not grabby. Worried, yes - in particular, worried that for DS in particular as he hits his teens the allure of a father who can buy him absolutely anything he wants compared to a mother who really struggles will be marked and that as a result DS will follow his fathers (bad) example.

I'm also worried about all the usual things - their future, my future, money, money, money. Certainly not in a grasping sense but rather in a general security sense - remember I'm not entitled to any state help other than CB and nor do I have any family to turn to in hard times.

Perhaps it's just loneliness.

OP posts:
antimatter · 20/02/2015 22:43

How old are your children?

m0therofdragons · 20/02/2015 22:43

You would be entitled to wtc and the childcare element so could work surely as that doesn't count savings.

frazzled74 · 20/02/2015 22:44

Op has already said that she doesn't match the £800, so her monthly income will be less than 1600, which to pay bills, clothe and feed 3 children and herself isn't that great. It is definitely manageable but if the ex has double her income left to look after himself, it does seem unfair. I would probably be suggesting that he pays for school uniforms, school trips, clubs etc on top of the maintenance payments.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/02/2015 22:45

Ok, you will get child tax credits plus child benefit plus income support?

The 800 won't be taken into account for benefits.

Of course it would be very hard to work with 2 under 2. I can't believe anyone says otherwise.

Why is there no spousal support?

fedupbutfine · 20/02/2015 22:45

But if they made an agreement that the OP should stay at home with the children, surely is the ex is able to support that he should, to give the children stability during a difficult time

Things change. We have to adapt to change. Holding onto the past is a sure way of delaying the healing process and clears the way to bitterness and resentment.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 22:45

Rather a nasty comment, fedup. I'm well aware that many single parents work but I can't earn enough at present to cover childcare costs and so that makes working pointless really,doesn't it? That isn't being a victim, it's being realistic.

And please don't 'ffs' me: I'm not entitled to the benefits you mention due to the money I have from my inheritance. Your point would have more relevance had it been expressed less rudely.

OP posts:
minionmadess · 20/02/2015 22:46

How come you are only in receipt of CB... do you have savings?

If you don't, you can claim IS and TC.

bloodyteenagers · 20/02/2015 22:46

If you aren't not able to get benefits then you have more than 16k in savings?

Only1scoop · 20/02/2015 22:46

No Op I don't think yabu.... I think for 3 dc that's not that much based on his earnings.

DarylDixonsDarlin · 20/02/2015 22:46

My family dying - hence the no mortgage - means I'm not entitled to benefits other than CB so things are tight slight drip feed there.

It comes across a bit like you're pissed off you're having to eat into your own money then, to make up the difference, instead of having it paid by benefits Confused

Though I am not sure why you wouldn't get some sort of spousal maintenance as well? if you have such young children and you had them together, with the expectation that you wouldn't be working for the first few years at least. Have you spoken to your solicitor about it?

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