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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We do love a wedding one, don't we?

403 replies

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:04

My first aibu wedding thread (I think!).

So DP's close friend called round to our house to tell DP that him and his DF had booked their wedding for next Summer, in Italy. He told DP they are having an intimate wedding, hiring a villa for the week (cost to be split by guests) and as guest list only extends to 20 people, they are only inviting DP and not me.

DP said he felt put on the spot at the time so mumbled something about speaking to me and getting back to him. DP rang me straight afterwards to say no way was he going and he thought it was outrageous to invite him to Italy for a week without me.

For context, DP and I have been together two and a half years. We're engaged and have bought a house together. We're also ttc and had two mcs last year. They know all this. I get on with both bride and groom and have met them about ten times since I met DP.

Also for context, their guest list comprises mainly family, two single friends of the bride, a mutual couple friend of the b&g, and two friends of the groom (the other friend of groom is in a new relationship).

I know it's their wedding, their choice and it's an invite not a summons yada yada, but aibu to think this is pretty shitty?! I feel put out and so does DP and tbh they've gone down in our estimation.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 20/02/2015 09:08

You've only met them ten times, I've got work colleagues I've met more often. It's their wedding, their choice, if your DP doesn't like it don't go.

YABU

YouBetterWerk · 20/02/2015 09:08

Very sorry to hear about your mcs Flowers

I do think seeing them only 10 times on two and a half years isn't actually a lot though - Did you always see them with DP or does he go over/see them without you sometimes? Meaning they perhaps feel closer to him than you?

Agree it shouldn't make much difference and really they should suck it up I think, two and a half years is a long term relationship whether they see you a lot or not.

NancyRaygun · 20/02/2015 09:09

I can see why hey have done it - from their point of view they are inviting HER friends and HIS friends as an even split. Its about their relationships with old friends not your relationship with your DP or with them.

However, they have fallen into the classic wedding blunder: people can't know what they are thinking and actively "not" inviting an established partner is rude. TBH I think your DP should go if he wants to. Its not about you - although I TOTALLY get why you are put out!

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:09

Yeah ten times as in been out for dinner or they've come to ours for drinks etc, so a get together every few months...

OP posts:
Delphine31 · 20/02/2015 09:11

YANBU to be a bit put out by this.

But, as with many wedding AIBU, it is just an invite. The couple getting married have planned how they would like their wedding to be. It's a shame they haven't extended the invite to you. If your DP doesn't want to go without you, then he can politely decline the invitation without it turning into a big hoo haa I hope.

They should understand that expecting someone to take a week off work to go to Italy, pay for a villa he has had no choice in and not able to bring along his fiancee might be an invitation that will be turned down.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:11

DP hasn't spent time with them on own as a couple but sometimes has a game of football with the groom.

OP posts:
herintheredskirt · 20/02/2015 09:13

You are so not being unreasonable! ! How rude of them!!!!

Catzeyess · 20/02/2015 09:13

They can invite who they want - and I don't think partners should get an automatic invite to weddings just because. Especially in an event with only 20 guests.

However it would definitely suggest that they don't see you as a close friend - and so if you did consider them that I can understand that would be very hurtful.

pictish · 20/02/2015 09:13

I don't think it's shitty. They're limited by budget and space, so have prioritised accordingly. Of course your partner can decline if he wants, but they have done nothing untoward regarding their invite.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:15

Oh DP could go if he wanted. I wouldn't mind but would secretly feel a bit gutted as he jetted off to Italy. He will turn the invite down politely - zero hoohaa.

DP said he would much rather spend holiday budget and limitef annual leave on our own holidays.

Maybe I am BU. There's no way I would do this though. No way.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 20/02/2015 09:15

It doesn't matter what you think they should do, they don't see you as their close friend so you didn't get an invite. It's only a big deal if you make it one.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 20/02/2015 09:16

So they're hiring a villa for the wedding and the cost is to be split between the guests? Have I got that right?

crje · 20/02/2015 09:16

So bride , groom , family
& a bunch of guys & gals ( partners at home)

Sounds like a recipe for disaster

BlackDaisies · 20/02/2015 09:16

I do think you have to be ruthless when it comes to weddings and limited budgets. They will have a set budget. It's difficult. They want to invite some long standing friends but cannot afford to invite their DPs. I think your DP just needs to say thanks for the invite but he'd rather not go without you thanks. Don't fall out over it. It will be simply due to cost and not personal.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:16

I'm not a close friend. The groom is DP's close friend.

OP posts:
RudeBarbandCustard · 20/02/2015 09:17

I sympathise with you OP, but I also sympathise with the B&G here.

They're really limited on who they can invite, it's a very small wedding, so they have to make some difficult choices.

I'm sure if it was a normal wedding in the UK, then you would definitely be invited. But as it is they're just inviting the absolutely key people that they really want to be there.

Imagine them having to explain to their cousin/aunt/friends why they weren't invited but their mate's girlfriend was there..?

I think you just have to suck this one up and get over it. Let DP go and enjoy himself, tell him he owes you a holiday.

Littlefish · 20/02/2015 09:17

I agree with Pictish. Your DP can either go or not go. I have friends who know me much better than dh. I wouldn't be at all offended if I was in invited to an event without dh, I would simply decide whether I wanted to go or not.

I think you are over reacting.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:18

Yes still. The villa is accommodation for everyone, the wedding won't be held there.

OP posts:
OnceUponATimeAgain · 20/02/2015 09:18

i think you kind of need to remember, who's wedding is it? They have explained they are very number limited, and you are really not close enough for an invite.

personally - its ok to feel a bit left out - but overall YABU

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 20/02/2015 09:18

I think I'd sooner spend any money on my own holiday rather than spend £100's on their villa.

I can imagine why you're a bit pissed off .

Chippednailvarnish · 20/02/2015 09:20

I'm not a close friend. The groom is DP's close friend
And that's the reason you're not invited, get over it, it's nothing personal.

thatsucks · 20/02/2015 09:20

I don't think it's rude but I think it's problematic to keep it to a small but not tiny wedding.

By this I mean it would work out better to either invite only parents and siblings or widen it. Doing it this way, i.e. no partners and presumably cutting out other close friends, is bound to cause problems.

That said as bride and groom you simply CANNOT keep everyone happy - you really can't. Someone is always going to throw their toys out the pram over your arrangements. And we were all about the guests having a great time and not spending too much money (free bar, no gift list), not about us at all.

RudeBarbandCustard · 20/02/2015 09:21

Also, I think people who do this are incredibly selfish if they expect their family and friends to go on a holiday that is not of their choosing, at a time and place dictated by the B&G and leave their loved ones behind.

Frankly, if people choose to do that for their wedding, then they shouldn't be surprised or offended if people decline because they'd rather use their hard earned cash and annual leave on a holiday that they themselves have chosen.

So your DP would not be at all unreasonable if he declined. Tough shit on the bride and groom.

pictish · 20/02/2015 09:21

Why is it a recipe for disaster crje?

thatsucks · 20/02/2015 09:22

Sorry meant to add, we still managed to have two stroppy guests who both wanted to bring partners. We'd never met said partners and really couldn't stretch to those numbers - we squeezed them in for evening but still one of them didn't come.

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