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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We do love a wedding one, don't we?

403 replies

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:04

My first aibu wedding thread (I think!).

So DP's close friend called round to our house to tell DP that him and his DF had booked their wedding for next Summer, in Italy. He told DP they are having an intimate wedding, hiring a villa for the week (cost to be split by guests) and as guest list only extends to 20 people, they are only inviting DP and not me.

DP said he felt put on the spot at the time so mumbled something about speaking to me and getting back to him. DP rang me straight afterwards to say no way was he going and he thought it was outrageous to invite him to Italy for a week without me.

For context, DP and I have been together two and a half years. We're engaged and have bought a house together. We're also ttc and had two mcs last year. They know all this. I get on with both bride and groom and have met them about ten times since I met DP.

Also for context, their guest list comprises mainly family, two single friends of the bride, a mutual couple friend of the b&g, and two friends of the groom (the other friend of groom is in a new relationship).

I know it's their wedding, their choice and it's an invite not a summons yada yada, but aibu to think this is pretty shitty?! I feel put out and so does DP and tbh they've gone down in our estimation.

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 20/02/2015 10:54

What if you and DP went but stayed nearby in a hotel?

MrsHathaway · 20/02/2015 10:58

I am normally totally cool with DH going to things I don't go to, and vice versa, including weddings.

But this is a week away, and I'd be pretty uncool about that even it weren't a wedding.

I haven't read the whole thread (because all the posts I read seemed sensible) but I have read all the OP's posts, and I don't notice an option for him just to go for the wedding day.

hesterton · 20/02/2015 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happydaystoytown · 20/02/2015 11:01

If only everyone refused to go they wouldn't be able to go ahead with this charade of a wedding. It's all very well wanting a lovely wedding abroad but they shouldn't expect others to pay for it. I'd be livid if my dh jetted off to Italy for a week to a wedding that not only was I not invited to but also I would be expected to pay towards and probably compromise my own holiday as well. I hope your DP has no qualms whatsoever in telling his friend exactly why he won't be there. What a pair of grabbing entitled prats they are.

Sallyingforth · 20/02/2015 11:03

Fascinating, the different opinions on this!

I wonder if it has touched a raw nerve with some of the defenders of the B&G?

thatsucks · 20/02/2015 11:06

It hasn't touched a nerve with me at all, Sallyling, personally and I'm defending the B&G.

My wedding was in London, all friends and family here, so nice and local. It was quite big, we paid for everything, all drinks etc and had no gift list - all about giving our loved ones a great day.

So completely and utterly different to the B&G here.

I just can't bear the exaggeration of the situation and demonising of a couple just trying to have a small wedding abroad.

Poster upon poster have said they are expecting people to fund their wedding which is absolutely not the case! And invitees can just decline if they can't afford it. It's so simple.

SuburbanRhonda · 20/02/2015 11:08

thatsucks

I get the impressions the cost of the villa has to be paid for by the guests, not could be paid for by the guests.

Otherwise, if all but, say, two of the guests decide to rent cheaper accommodation, how does the villa get paid for?

Charley50 · 20/02/2015 11:09

I don't think there is anything wrong with chipping in for accommodation. My mates organized a fabulous set of villa for their wedding; we shared the cost and treated it like a holiday with a wedding attached. They couldn't have afforded it otherwise and got a heads up from people before or handing it. People also helped out with practical stuff like doing the barbecue so it was a lovely communal affair. It was brilliant actually. But PARTNERS WERE INVITED!! (Sorry for annoying capitals)

TwinkleThis · 20/02/2015 11:10

pictish I was saying the MUST is what is dictated by etiquette and years of custom and traditions, all based on good reason, though some of it might now be passé (eg, fish knives are no longer necessary).

When the world was smaller it was an outright insult to exclude the spouses of friends. The world hasn't changed that much. Socially the OP is effectively the spouse. By excluding her from the invitation they are insulting his choice of her as a partner and placing cost/venue above his friendship and his choice of partner. At least that's how it could be interpreted.

I think it's important to remember that weddings and many other social occasions are as much about social cohesion and strengthening bonds as they are about celebration.

The 'and guest' for a single person is more about good manners, ie, putting the invited at ease and offering a choice. Some singles are quite happy to attend alone, others less so. Out of consideration for them it's good manners to offer the option.

This must seem silly to some, archaic even, but it matters when we chip away, bit by bit, at social convention. We should at least think before we do so and understand why we are doing so.

Charley50 · 20/02/2015 11:11

Organizing it not or handing it!

thatsucks · 20/02/2015 11:11

Rhonda I see what you mean. Yes that does make things different I agree.

Charley50 · 20/02/2015 11:12

TwinkleThis
Exactly! I think you deserve that glass of wine.

Tisiphone · 20/02/2015 11:12

OP, I assume the B and G thought this through, and knew perfectly well in the circumstances that your DP was unlikely to attend if they didn't invite you - I doubt they will be surprised, and they may have another person lined up for his place. They have presumably thought through the financial/space/friendship etc pros and cons of inviting him alone vs inviting you both and losing a close friend or family member off the tiny guest list, and decided that, over all, this was the best option.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 20/02/2015 11:13

Twinkle I completely agree.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/02/2015 11:13

Well I think the B&G are completely up their own arses!

Seriously, they want to drag family and a couple of mates to dance attendance on them for a week? Insanely selfish! Their guests (although since the guests are the ones paying they are, strictly speaking, their hosts) should be willing, nay, eager, to spend a whole precious week of their annual holiday allowance on their fucking fantasy?

I'd be stepping back from this pair sharpish. And that's without the irony of splitting couples to celebrate the joining of this one special snowflake couple.

pictish · 20/02/2015 11:18

So twinkle...your reasoning is because it's the 'done thing'.

Well unfortunately not everyone has the budget to do the all important 'done thing'.
Weddings nowadays vary wildly from the traditional ones we used to know. People are at liberty to arrange them with as little or as much imagination and variation as they wish, which is fantastic.
Having the wedding they want is a higher priority than outdated social tradition imo. Screw the done thing.

Christelle2207 · 20/02/2015 11:19

I can see why you're put out but if they are only having 20 guests that's 10 each and only 5 if each has a partner. tricky one but I think yab (a bit) u. Think your dp is doing the right thing in not going if it's for a week though, possibly not if it was a weekend.

You can't win with these situations, we offended a relative at our wedding by not inviting his partner who we'd never met. However we very much wanted his ex wife to come and the new partner and her we knew didn't get on. In the end he declined to come and I think that's fair enough- you really can't please everyone in these scenarios and I imagine they are aware you will be a bit put out.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 11:19

I don't need a grip but thanks all the same treacle :)

To the poster who asked re payment of flights, yes guests will pay their own flights. And no, we're not all rich. Average incomes - I'm a middle manager, DP is a tradesman :)

To the posters saying, let him go and enjoy it, or it's perfectly fine to go to weddings solo etc; it's not really about that is it?

FWIW, I think the B&G are being incredibly selfish but probably not deliberately so. I think they just assume it will be a lovely way to celebrate and have a week in the sun with those closest to them.

Also, to answer those who are saying I shouldn't expect an invite when I've only met them ten times/am not in their immediate circle, I know that, obviously. But DP is. And I'm his fiancee. I guess his comfort/happiness/enjoyment isn't relevant, but it should be imo. Esp when he'll have to fork out a small fortune!!

OP posts:
thatsucks · 20/02/2015 11:20

I'm with pictish

Charley50 · 20/02/2015 11:21

Who would design a wedding with the guest list being decided by the size of a villa?

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 20/02/2015 11:23

pictish people are of course at liberty to arrange whatever kind of wedding they want, but call me old-fashioned - if you host a party or get together of any kind then the comfort and convenience of your guests should be pretty high on the list of priorities.

Christelle2207 · 20/02/2015 11:23

Oh but i think the b&g are being vvv unreasonable to expect guests to pay for a villa for a week and flights and in most cases use up a weeks' leave and leave their dp at home.

SinglePringle · 20/02/2015 11:23

I've been to 5 or so weddings whilst single. Never had a 'plus one' on the invitation. And some of them, I've only known the Bride or Groom and no-one else attending. Not bothered me at all.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 11:24

Oh - there has been no option offered for him to attend for a couple of days only (groom said he needed confirmation soon as they are going to book the villa). It certainly wasn't suggested that I could go if we book our own accommodation etc.

It's fine... no real harm done, except we're a little insulted, but we'll get over it :)

OP posts:
Charley50 · 20/02/2015 11:24

Pictish, I've been to quite a few gay weddings. So far so 'untraditional.' But interestingly gay couples still stick to the convention of inviting partners or plus ones because it is polite, tradition, and a marriage is about celebrating love betwen two people, not splitting couples up because your villa has got one bedroom too few.

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