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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We do love a wedding one, don't we?

403 replies

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:04

My first aibu wedding thread (I think!).

So DP's close friend called round to our house to tell DP that him and his DF had booked their wedding for next Summer, in Italy. He told DP they are having an intimate wedding, hiring a villa for the week (cost to be split by guests) and as guest list only extends to 20 people, they are only inviting DP and not me.

DP said he felt put on the spot at the time so mumbled something about speaking to me and getting back to him. DP rang me straight afterwards to say no way was he going and he thought it was outrageous to invite him to Italy for a week without me.

For context, DP and I have been together two and a half years. We're engaged and have bought a house together. We're also ttc and had two mcs last year. They know all this. I get on with both bride and groom and have met them about ten times since I met DP.

Also for context, their guest list comprises mainly family, two single friends of the bride, a mutual couple friend of the b&g, and two friends of the groom (the other friend of groom is in a new relationship).

I know it's their wedding, their choice and it's an invite not a summons yada yada, but aibu to think this is pretty shitty?! I feel put out and so does DP and tbh they've gone down in our estimation.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 20/02/2015 09:22

I think if they know your history and your circumstances then they shouldn't be too surprised when your DP declines. You don't know what situation you'll be in next summer - including financial - so I can see why you feel it's a difficult invitation.

Tbh, my DP wouldn't want to go away for a week without me. On the other hand, maybe we are a bit weird. Smile

Turquoisetamborine · 20/02/2015 09:23

Why don't they open the invite to more people but have them staying in nearby hotels with just immediate family at the villa? That would have been more sensible.

RudeBarbandCustard · 20/02/2015 09:23

Another idea OP - why not go to Italy, but you and DP hire a villa nearby. That way DP can go to the wedding while you do something else that day.

If B&G really want him there, then they shouldn't object to that.

Sycamoretrees · 20/02/2015 09:23

Sorry but YABU, I can understand why you might be disappointed to not go though. Accept it for what it is - their wedding and a financial decision. Would be a shame for DP to miss out and for them to not have him there because your nose is out if joint. As difficult as that is to swallow.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 20/02/2015 09:23

Very weird to choose a villa for their wedding guests and then assume they will all pay, and that they will be happy not bringing their partners.

YANBU and your partner sounds like a good egg.

LurkingHusband · 20/02/2015 09:23

So they're hiring a villa for the wedding and the cost is to be split between the guests? Have I got that right?

That's what I read too !Shock Nice trick if you can pull it off Hmm.

Wish we'd thought of getting our guests to pay for our wedding.

PrimalLass · 20/02/2015 09:23

I think YABU. They can only invite the number of people that will fit in the house. It's different to having a huge wedding and not inviting you.

TheMShip · 20/02/2015 09:23

YANBU. Sure, it's their wedding and their choice, but your DP would have to pay out of your joint holiday budget for their wedding, which means you don't get a holiday at all this year? I think he's quite right to politely decline.

DeliciousMonster · 20/02/2015 09:24

It is a wedding. A week off work and a villa for a holiday that will revolve around them...is she a disney princess or sotin?

RudeBarbandCustard · 20/02/2015 09:24

X-Post with Turquoise

Yes, they shouldn't object to that - if they do, they're being precious.

squeaver · 20/02/2015 09:24

I'd be more pissed off about the fact that they're expecting guests to give up one week of their annual holiday and pay to go somewhere that they wouldn't necessarily want to go, without their own partners/families.

They've opted for a small wedding so should really only have family in these circs.

Could your DP just go for a coupe of days, rather than a whole week?

KatelynB · 20/02/2015 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/02/2015 09:26

Yabu.
Overreaction. I wouldn't be remotely bothered by this.
Dh could go if he wanted to, and not if he didn't.
Their wedding, their choice.

nobutreally · 20/02/2015 09:26

Firstly, sorry to hear about your mcs Flowers

However, on this occasion, yes, I'd be understanding of the B&G's situation. 20 ppl is a genuinely tiny wedding - and they literally only inviting 6 friends (if I've understood your post correctly). In those circumstances, someone you've known 2.5 years - unless it's a massively close relationship - isn't quite going to sneak into the list. Whilst 10 times may feel like a reasonably serious connection for you, would this couple make your list if you had to choose just 6 people who weren't family - actually, your top 3, given that dh has to choose to?

Meeting every few months over a couple of years wouldn't classify you as in my top 3, I'm afraid.

Don't get me wrong, I get that it's sad, and it would be lovely if you could have gone too - given the week long commitment - and think the B&G would have to understand if your dh said he wouldn't go b/cos it would use up too much of his holiday time without you etc. But, I think you have to see if from their pov too - if a villa holds 20, that's what it holds!

(dh is going to a wedding without me in America this year - admittedly we were both asked, but it's fine by me! He's closer to the groom, and it's too long/expensive to justify us - and the dcs - going)

Only1scoop · 20/02/2015 09:26

You're invited to our wedding just you....bring spending money for a weeks living expenses in....Italy

Oh and here's your bill for our venue....

Lucky chosen friend. Confused

19lottie82 · 20/02/2015 09:27

I don't think YABU to feel that way but equally I don't think the B&G2B ABU either, they are having an "intimate" wedding, and if they invited everyone who was in a similar situation to yourself, they it would no longer be the intimate wedding that they desire

HOWEVER, as others have pointed out, it's an invite, not a summons, and I think they WBU, if they held any grudge about your DP deciding not to go without you. That's the risk you take when you have weddings like this, especially abroad.

toomuchtooold · 20/02/2015 09:27

20 is really a small number. I wouldn't take it personally, it sounds like probably a lot of people they are closer to would have not made the cut if they are keeping it that small. They've decided to go fancy for the wedding and keep it small rather than making it big and less luxury/more expensive, I suppose it's a bit selfish but it is their wedding. Hopefully they'll be grown up about it if your DP says no, bearing in mind it's usually fairly standard to invite partners...

RudeBarbandCustard · 20/02/2015 09:27

If I was your DP I'd just go for a few days. Good idea.

It's one thing getting married abroad and expecting everyone to travel there for you.

But it's another thing to expect your guests to go on an enforced holiday, all staying together for a week to fawn over the bride and groom.

Grrr this sort of thing really gets my goat.

thatsucks · 20/02/2015 09:28

Re paying for villa/week's holiday.

Yes maybe a bit cheeky but honestly you don't have to say yes!

Rather than getting all hot under the collar and fuming behind their backs, you can just say 'oh shame, I can't afford that/we are having another week's holiday that summer - can we go out for a meal to celebrate it afterwards?'.

I didn't go to my step sister's wedding in Greece, she might have been put out I don't know but it was legitimately too expensive for me at the time.

goshhhhhh · 20/02/2015 09:29

Maybe it's me. I don't get weddings abroad unless you live there. They are essentially asking their guests to pay for their honeymoon/wedding. And spend their holiday budget/limited annual leave on going on holiday without their nearest and dearest.

ginpig · 20/02/2015 09:30

I am very much of the opinion that it's their wedding and they can do what they want.

I have been invited to weddings before where DH (DP at the time for 3/4 years) was not invited, partly because of numbers, partly because they didn't really know him too well. It was annoying and a little hurtful at the time (because it felt like the seriousness of our relationship was diminished, but I went along and had a great time.

However, my DB has just announced that he will be getting married in the next 10 weeks- his fiance has suddenly decided that they must be married before their baby arrives. I was told this last week. I was also told that I (and my DH and DC) are NFI to the registry office, but can join then for a meal after. Apparently they dont want to upset 'people' by not inviting them to the ceremony so they're restricting that guest list to just parents.

So my previous attitude of it's their wedding and they should do what they want has morphed into 'FFS, I'm not exactly 'people' am I? I could understand it if we didn't particualrly get on or never spoke, but the reality is quite the opposite. To say I'm absolutely gutted is an understatment. Of course, I haven't told them this. I will just smile and nod and let them do what they want without causing a commotion. Trouble is I told my Mum and she is livid. I fear this may not turn out well.

YANBU to feel put out, but YAprobablyBU to expect them to include you (and apologies for ranting, but I ened to get it out and I don't want to cause a family rift by actually complaining in RL).

nobutreally · 20/02/2015 09:30

Yes, I wondered about the earlier poster's suggestion that you stay nearby - but I think that would feel wieeerrrd! But I wondered if you could suggest you join them for the last weekend (assume the wedding is the first weekend) - with you & dh staying somewhere nearby. Again, not sure if you'd feel horribly 'de trop' though.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:32

There isn't any question of DP going. He really doesn't want to now, and will decline, politely of course.

For those who are saying, don't make it about me... I'm not. I'm as laid back as they come, and if DP wanted to go I would be okay with it, despite it being out of our hol budget. It's not in my nature to be a b*tch over this.

I just do think it's sh*tty when you're having a wedding abroad and therefore by default transferring big costs and annual leave commitments onto guests, to then hope they'll come without their partner. I wouldn't do it - and I think it's really selfish. If I couldn't afford to invite both, I'd invite neither.

But it's not my wedding, you're right.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 20/02/2015 09:34

It would be quite funny if all the people invited declined and then they'd have nobody to pay for the villa.

Evil snigger...

Sounds like your DP is going to decline then.. ? Problem solved.

PastPerfect · 20/02/2015 09:34

I can't get over the fact that they are expecting guests to pay for the villa Shock